I promise I will only be a minute. Right. About the long update time, my beta is slow and i will kick her for this, because it isnt editted. Apologies for that, it is probably not great.

However, if you do like it, a review would be massively appreciated. Takes two seconds to tell me you like it, and it means the world.

Also, i know i have two more chapters written, but you arent getting them yet because they arent edited. Sorry.

Over and out.

A slight sheen of cold sweat was the only thing I could feel other than his tears, and they stung bitterly as they rolled down my face.

It is funny how the old wounds were reopened; it is funny how the old scars that seem to have healed are now fresh in my mind. I caused them to open again, I made this choice and this is the choice that I think will change everything, even if it is hurting me more than anything I have ever known.

I keep my eyes clamped shut, my mind tries to hold back all of the memories, my face is biting back against the tears and the sobs. I try to make my mind go back to think about nice things from the past, but all I can think about is her face. Her face as she held onto my hand and whispered. "Я всегда буду любить тебя (I will always love you.)" To me, calling me her Pasha and I knew I had to be strong.

I can feel that I am becoming weak, we hold onto our wounds so tightly, but when they begin to fade we let them go and once we have let go of our old scars, that is when they come back and they show themselves in a true light. It hurts more than anything I have ever known and I do not want to know pain like this ever again.

I try again to smile and think of her as the good person she was, the only problem is my memory is fading. I do not want the only memory I have of my mother to be the time when I watched her burn to death in an explosion of fire and gas. I want to know her as the girl who raised me and loved me. She is my mother and I love her more than anything.

I squeeze back the memories and think of the future, there is a future ahead of me that could hold the entire world if I wanted it to. If fact, I think now that I am leaving the past behind, I think it does hold the whole world.

Alone. I go into this entirely alone, there is no one here beside me, no one wants to be beside me because all I once had is gone and this is all I have now.

My father is gone for good now. He never wants to see my face again, and I never want to see his face again. I don't know how I can look into his eyes and know that he is the reason my mother is dead, how I can look him in the eye and know that he wanted to save himself rather than others. He chose to make our ship fly out of port when there was a chance of fitting at last one more person on board. I loathe him for that. I cannot think of anything I hate more, he is cold and he is uncaring, he is the reason I want to help people. I want to help people because I know I can, and I know that I can with Starfleet.

They took convincing, convincing that I am strong enough for this. I know that I am strong enough to help other people, though at the moment I feel like my heart is being ripped in two by the idea that my father didn't help my mother. I can feel it resurfacing like a lion that is ready to pounce. I know it is hurting more than ever.

I let the tears slide down my face. I let my eyes open and I let them see the silent darkness that is around me, no one is awake to hear my breathing. The nearest person to me never speaks, he doesn't appear to do anything other than eat, sleep and study, and I think I would know as he lives in the same room as I do.

I don't know if I understand why my brain is so caught up in the issue. I don't know if anyone would understand why I feel the way I do and why I do the things I do.

I don't know anyone who has lost so much, my mother and then later my brother, and all due to the faults of my father. I have five years of my life I don't remember and then the ten years of pain my father gave me, and now I am able to stand alone, broken and alone.

I clutch to the things around me, I don't know here I am going, or what I am doing, I have to move from these sheets or they will end up driving me insane with my own mind.

I stand, feeling the gravity makes my tears begin to flow down my cheeks. I don't smile. I just walk in the direction of the door and hope that it leads me to some type of comfort. It opens as it senses me, the dim light comes on as I walk into the room and the floor looks like the most inviting thing I can think of in the moment.

I always end up in the bathroom, which is where I hide from my father at home, where I remember my mother the most, of how she would always go into the bathroom for some quiet. I like it, it is cold and I can feel the tiles under my hands as I sit upon them, feeling myself curl up into a ball and begin to cry.

The racking sobs are me letting go of my feelings, I know that it is better to let them go than to hold onto them and remain bitter. I should let the tears flow down off my cheek and I should learn to smile in time.

I remember one feature of my mother than holds me tighter than anything else. The way she held my hand, looked into my eyes, eyes full of pain, but she told me it was ok, everything was going to be fine. I remember that about my mother, it is my strongest memory.

I close my eyes and I feel the hand slip into mine, holding my hand. Warm and firm, no failure to understand the situation, just hope that it gets better. I cry into the shoulder that hugs me, I hug it back; it reminds me of my mother. However this is more than a mere memory, the comfort is real.