Kate was in need of a new perspective. After speaking with Alexis, she realized he was focusing solely on what she wants, and needed to figure out a new way to go about reuniting with Castle. A healthy dose of reality would probably be good. Like learning exactly what Castle had been doing since she left, how he had been acting. The Castle she has encountered is so different from the one she was used to that maybe her old ways wouldn't work anymore. Either way, she knew the one person to give her both perspective and honesty was in her best friend.
"Can we talk?" texted Kate.
A few minutes later she received an affirmative reply. She glanced in the room as she stood. Alexis and Castle were asleep in his bed. His daughter curled up around him as best she could. Martha sat with her back to the door, stroking the red hair falling over the side of the bed. She didn't want to interrupt the quiet family time they had created so she slipped out without telling anyone.
"I went to talk to Lanie. I'll be back in an hour or so. You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you or your daughter up. I love you." Ok, maybe she couldn't leave without telling him where she was going. But a quick text to him wouldn't interfere. Plus, he wouldn't see it until he was awake. With any luck he would still be asleep by the time she returned.
20 minutes later, Kate entered the morgue more timidly than she ever had before. Including the first time, fresh out of training. Lanie Parish was scarier than any dead body. Period.
"Hey Lanie, how's it going?"
"Hey girl. Good to see you. I'm doing well. How are you?"
"I'm…" Kate began to fiddle with the instruments on the tray in front of her. She was never good at starting a conversation, but usually she had a case to use as her lead in to the girl talk. "I'm doing ok I guess. Alexis just got in so…"
"So you got your ass handed to you and now you need someone to talk it over with. Am I correct?"
Kate gave a half smile, "Ya, you could say that."
Lanie looked at her. Really looked at her for the first time since Kate had returned. She was clearly skinnier, her eyes looked unfocused and more scared than she has ever seen her look, but she also had a determination about her. It reminded Lanie of when Beckett caught a case that hit a little too close to home. She would retreat into her "walls", but would look fierce and resolved to find the answers she was searching for.
"Look Lanie, I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve what I'm about to ask you, but I just need my best friend. I need you to kick my ass, tell me all the ways I screwed up, and then point me in the right direction."
"You're right. You don't deserve my friendship. But I'll take pity on you Kate Beckett. We can fight later, I'll call you mean names, and then we can make up and have wine. "
"Thanks Lanie."
"Ok, so what is it you want to know?"
Kate blew out a breath… "I want to know what Castle was like. After I left."
Lanie gave her that 'You are not serious look' before she replied. "Kate. You know I love you girl, but I love my Castle too. This just seems… like I'm breaking his trust."
"I don't need to know personal things, or what he has told you in private. Just… give me a rundown of the past few months. Observations you've made. "
"Why?" Lanie asked.
"He isn't the same… I can tell in the few times we've had a chance to talk. I love him, Lanie. I quit my job, and I'm here to stay. I don't care about anything but making this right. This is what matters. I'm fighting, Lanie. I need your help to even the field." Kate said with conviction.
"Alright, sweetie, but I don't want this getting back to Writer Boy."
"Of course."
Lanie began, "At first he was extremely withdrawn. It was like watching the Castle from a few years ago, when you were shot. He would mope around with those sad little Castle eyes, looking up every time he heard a noise, hoping it was you. That lasted about 3 weeks. He took a few days off, and then came back… different I guess you could say."
She continued, "It was like he traded in the old Castle for an upgrade. Yes, I've been spending too much time with Writer Boy… upgrade. Anyways, he was like Castle, but only more mature. He still laughed and joked, spun ridiculous theories, but only when he could tell the team or his family needed that from him. He was more helpful, stayed around to do paperwork. He even began spending hours of his time in my morgue. No one spends time in a morgue, with someone they have been scared of for four years, for fun. He was filling in the spaces you left in your relationships. He did that with Espo, Ryan, and even your dad."
Lanie then looked right in Kate's watery eyes and said, "It was like he went to fix himself into a better him, but he couldn't quite get there. He had missing pieces, pieces that you took with you to DC, which would forever change him. We could tell he was falling apart, but doing the best with what he had left to work with. You changed him, Kate. I'm not sure if he can ever be the Castle he was before."
Kate finally dropped her eyes from Lanie's when it was clear that Lanie had said all she was going to on the matter. It was difficult for her to picture the Castle Lanie was describing.
"Lanie? What do I do?"
"Girl, I'm not sure what you should do. Part of me, a big huge part of me, can't wait to see the two of you back together. You know I've been behind you guys since day one. However, the part of me that now knows the man behind Richard Castle is wanting to shoot you. You say you've quit your job, you are ready to fight, but now you need to convince him of it. Your words mean nothing to him anymore."
Kate nodded. She needed an action plan. The action plan had included quitting her job and not leaving Castle's side, but she needed to do more. Show him that she is serious.
"I… um… thank you. For talking to me. I've missed this. I've missed you. I am so sorry for the way I handled myself. I regretted storming out the second I left your apartment 4 months ago. I'm fighting for Castle, but I will fight for you too. I need my best friend."
"One more thing, girl. You two need to get your heads out of your asses and really talk. You're both at fault here, and you both need to take responsibility for the way this has ended up. Now, go take care of Rick for us, Kate. Then we can talk about us…. I've missed you, too."
After they said their goodbyes, with promises of text updates on both ends, the two friends separated. Lanie felt a little better towards Kate. She still had her own trust issues with her, and a hell of a fight to give her, but it was obvious now was not the time. Kate's focus was entirely on Castle, which Lanie was glad to see. She was honest with Kate when she said she wasn't sure if she is happy or concerned with her pursuit to reestablish the relationship. Castle had become a close friend, and she didn't think he had it in him for any more disappointments. This was using up her last ounce of faith in Kate Beckett.
Beckett felt relieved that her friend had opened up to her. It was a long shot going there for advice, but she needed it. Her dad wasn't around to see the day to day Castle so he couldn't help her with the invaluable insight Lanie could. Guilt, apprehension, and concern quickly set in when she thought back to what Lanie had said.
It was a weird concept to her, thinking of a reserved, mature Castle. She knew that side existed, was lucky enough to be let in to see it on occasions. Richard Castle was far more than what he let people see him as. She was curious why he decided to change so drastically though. One of the things she loved most about him was his ability to lighten the mood, be silly, when no one else could see the silver linings. She hopes that hasn't been lost in him.
As Kate drove back to the hospital, she realized that Lanie was right. Her list now includes actions and talking. She hasn't ever been good with being completely open and honest so maybe if she could get a few minutes with Castle to let him know she would be ready to talk, about anything, when he was ready would be a good first step.
To Be Continued