Silence filled the hospital room once again. Kate sat staring at Castle from the chair next to his bed, while Castle's gaze was on the door. He had decisions to make, hard decisions, that would affect everyone he loves. Most importantly though, was to make a decision that would be best for him. He has lived for so long worrying about how his actions would affect those around him. His needs were consistently put on the back burner.

When Meredith got pregnant, he married her because of the obligation he felt to her and their baby. He was happy enough with her, knew that with time they would be a good family. She wasn't serious, and he wasn't looking for serious. The moment that pregnancy showed a positive sign he grew up, took responsibility for their actions. Castle put the doubt he had in his semi-relationship away, and offered his girlfriend, the mother of his child, stability in marriage. He wasn't in love with her, but he would love her. Eventually, it was clear that starting this marriage from the conception of his child would be enough to keep Meredith grounded. She wanted freedom and fame, being a wife and mother didn't work with either of those things.

Gina was a marriage of convenience. His mother wasn't around as often as she is now, and Castle was concerned that his little girl was missing out on having a mother. His publisher was a driven, smart, and interesting woman. She was also the only woman he had consistent contact with that didn't treat him like a god. Yes, she benefited from his celebrity status, but she wasn't blinded by it either. Their professional relationship worked well and so he thought it would work just as well personally. At first, it really did. Gina didn't show a lot of interest in Alexis, but she also wasn't very affectionate with Rick either. Once he was married he realized that forcing himself to love her, pretending that she could be the mother figure to Alexis, wasn't good enough. They began to fight, and eventually went their separate ways personally.

With Kate, he has always followed her lead. At first, it was because he didn't know how she would respond if he pushed her. He had weaseled his way in to the precinct, against her wishes, and he needed to prove himself, by following her rules, that he could be a great partner. Once it was clear to him that they could be more, he had to again follow her lead. They had unofficially decided that until her walls came down that they couldn't be more than what they were. He was fine waiting for her, he was good at putting her first. She showed him in subtle ways how she was working towards more with him, and that was enough.

Then, Kate almost died. They had severed their partnership and he thought that she had left him for good. Until she showed up at his door step, wanting him. For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, he felt almost even in a relationship. Like he was in a real partnership, filled with love for the right reasons. Yet, he still felt nervous to push her along, make them more. He was so scared of rocking the boat that he failed to see the signs that she was ready for more. To her, his complacency was him loosing focus and not what it really was. That he was scared to push her because she would run away.

Now, here she is. Giving him the choice. All the balls are in his court, and he isn't sure what to do about it. He can feel her eyes on him, trying to figure out where his head is at, and it is overwhelming him. He doesn't want to make a rash decision based on fears, hurt feelings, or the influence of others. For once, he was going to decide with his heart, for himself, and not for anyone around him, what he wanted. If the people around him, his family and friends, love him they will accept his decisions.

"Kate? You said you were going to give me time… to figure out what I want." Castle said. He had turned himself to be able to look at her for this conversation. He could always read her thoughts when he could see her eyes.

"As long as you need."

"Why are you still here then? Don't you have somewhere to go? See your dad or something…?" He thought as soon as Alexis left that Kate would be out the door. When Castle hears the word "time" falling from her mouth he immediately assumed space was implied. Having her still here… was weird.

"Time doesn't equal space, Castle. Remember? I'm not leaving." Had she just read his mind?

"You got time and space when you were shot, Kate." He didn't mean to say that rudely. The meds, though he was on less today, still prevented him from filtering his thoughts completely.

"You're right, and I wished you'd forced your way back in the entire time I was away. I thought that I needed to get away, from everything, to fix myself. For a while, I looked at you and would see my mother's case. I thought distance would help me get over it. I also didn't want to be weak, broken, in front of you."

"Why? I was your partner, Kate. I was in love with you. I wanted to help you so badly."

"I get to see myself through your eyes every time I pick up a Nikki Heat book. To you, I am this incredible mystery who kicks ass and saves the day. No one has ever looked at me the way you do, and I was scared to lose that. It was selfish of me, but that is the truth."

"Kate, I will always think of you as extraordinary. Maddening, infuriating, but extraordinary. That day, when you were shot, I didn't think less of you. Watching you fix the literal and figurative hole in your heart made me love you more."

"I know that now."

"Why now? What has changed?"

"Because that is how I feel about you. You are my rock, Castle. When I am out of control, losing focus, you are there to catch me. I can find my way when you are around. You are the silent giant, my friend in the darkness, my partner in crime. Seeing you in this bed… it is terrifying, heartbreaking. Knowing that you were shot and came out alive only magnifies the strength I know you possess. I don't think less of you, I love you more."

"Why did you kiss Vaughn?" Castle blurted out. It had come from left field, but Alexis had mentioned millionaire before she left and he had questions to ask her.

"Uh… what?" To say Kate was confused, and a little shocked at the sudden question, was an understatement.

"Vaughn. You know the guy you crushed on in front of me, kissed in a hotel room after drinking on the job, and then saved his life. I never thought I had to be concerned about other men with you, until Vaughn. Why did you let that happen?"

Kate let out a long sigh. This was going to take a lot of time to explain, and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"The Vaughn situation… it's complicated, Castle. It's going to be a long conversation. You up for it?"

"Yes," came Castle's short reply. He was anxious to see why she thought it was going to be so complex.

"Do you remember what happened right before we caught that case, Castle?"

"Uhhh… not really. It's been awhile…"

"I will never forget it because it was the first time I have ever felt like I was unattractive to you."

"What?!" Castle nearly screamed out. How in the hell could she think that?

"You were playing video games. I came out wearing your shirt, nothing else, hoping to seduce you to come to bed early that night. I had fixed my hair, shaved my legs, I even used the strawberry lotion you love so much…"

Oh, Castle loved that lotion. He was momentarily distracted by the scene Kate had painted in his mind. She was beautiful, gorgeous. It did something to him when he saw her wearing his clothes. It was almost primal, possessive. It appears that, even now, she still could rile him up.

"But you were too busy playing a game with some kid to come to bed with me. At first I thought you were playing hard to get, joking around. Then, when I realized that you were seriously choosing the game over me… it scared the hell out of me."

"Kate. I didn't mean to…"

"No, wait. We have to talk about everything, even if it hurts. I need you to know why I was so scared."

Castle nodded, though he felt the overwhelming need to reassure Kate that he didn't mean to make her feel unwanted.

"I was scared that our relationship had become stagnant. That the mystery, the spark between us, had left for you. There was a time when I couldn't even open the front door without you jumping on me," she stopped to chuckle as memories of them flashed into her mind, "but I was standing there wanting you and you turned me down flat. You didn't even look at me. I assumed you were getting bored of me."

"Can I talk now?"

"Nope. Almost though," Kate smiled at him. "I also had Meredith in my head. Telling me that I was wasting my time with you. That this was a lost cause. I doubted us, and I was scared. When Vaughn came, he looked at me like you used to. He was charming and new, and I am ashamed to say that it was flattering. I felt… wanted… and I was blinded by that. But Castle, we didn't kiss. Our lips never touched. We were close, but I pulled away because I would never kiss another man. That isn't who I am."

"How about now?"

"One last thing. Vaughn questioned me that night, when we were in his room. He asked me what you and I were. I couldn't figure out what to say to that. My immediate reaction was to say that you were my partner, that we were together, but we never talked about what we were. Yes, you were my boyfriend, and I knew that we loved each other. I just didn't know what that meant to you though. You've had two marriages. I wasn't sure if you wanted a third, if I was even someone you still wanted to be with…"

"Ok, I'm sorry for interrupting you but I can't listen to this anymore. I have too much to say. Kate, I apologize for making you feel unwanted, like you were anything less than perfect in my eyes. I am ashamed that I l chose a game over you, and that led you to feeling the way you did. I wished you had told me how you felt, but I guess that is something we've always failed at doing. What I don't get though is why was my ex-wife in your head?"

"You aren't going to like this answer, Castle." Kate almost whispered.

"What?"

"I talked to Meredith. I asked her why the two of you didn't work out."

"What?!" For the second time in this conversation, Castle screamed out his shock. "When did this happen? Why didn't you talk to me about this?"

"When Alexis had mono, right before she left. I don't know why I asked her… I hadn't planned on it. I was just… curious about what she'd say."

"What did she say?"

"She said that you knew her so well, could write books about her. She felt she could only write a pamphlet on you, maybe. Meredith felt like you never let her in and she tried for a while, and then just gave it up. Left."

Castle was quiet for a moment. Trying to process what Kate had just told him.

"And you believed her?" Castle spoke slowly, in a deep voice. Kate could tell he was livid.

"Sort of. Castle, you have written books about me. You get inside my head, and I realized that I never get inside of yours. Remember how long it took me to get you to tell me about Jordan?"

"I'm a different man then I was with her. I was young, stupid, new to fame. I didn't know what love was or how to be in a relationship. We got married because of Alexis. Had she not been pregnant, I would've given us another month before it ended. We didn't trust each other, and for a good reason too. It's different with you. Our relationship is completely different than my other marriages."

"Why did you guys get divorced then? I want your side of the story."

"She cheated on me."

Oh. This was a big deal. She believed his ex, didn't talk to him about it, and then almost "cheated" on him.

"Rick. I had no idea."

"Well, now you do."

"How did you find out?"

"I walked in on her, in our bed, having sex with her director. Alexis was upstairs asleep, and my wife was screwing her boss."

"It makes this Vaughn thing even worse, doesn't it?"

"Yep." Castle couldn't reply with anything more. He felt too raw and out of control.

"Talk to me?" Kate could see him retreating, but she wasn't having it. This needed to air out now.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Kate."

"Anything , dammit! Don't back away now. I'm being honest and open with you and you need to do the same to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that we really screwed up. That I'm pissed at myself, I'm pissed at you, I'm pissed at Vaughn and my Meredith. I'm just… angry."