(TW: suicide)
ASHLYN
"Ashlyn? Are you awake?" I moan and roll over, not addressing the soft voice that called out to me. "We're serving breakfast. You should get up now if you want some." Slightly more awake now, I recognize the voice as Carol's.
"Mmm. Yeah," I grunt, "be right up." I hear the door close and moan again. Everything hurts. My head, my shoulder. My stomach doesn't feel too great either. I roll over again, only to fall off the couch. "Son of a bitch." I lay on the floor for a while, trying to remember last night. I remember talking to Daryl, although some of our conversations are a bit blurry, I remember thanking him and apologizing and I remember him comforting me. I think after that was when we helped Glenn back to his room but that's the last thing I remember. I don't remember coming back to my room, but I must've gotten here somehow. Either way, I'm glad things are settled with Daryl now.
I finally get up when I realize I have to piss like crazy. I take care of everything I need to in the bathroom, hardly bothering to fix my hair. I leave the dress on—it's still the cleanest thing I have at the moment, but I throw a dark red hoodie on over it and pull up the hood. Just because I don't feel like fixing my hair doesn't mean people need to see it. Not caring they don't match with my dress, I pull on my hiking boots, not sure when I'll be back in my room.
I shuffle down the hall to the cafeteria, thinking I haven't been this hung over in ages. It takes all my will power not to curl up on the floor and go back to sleep.
Once I get to the cafeteria, I immediately want to turn back. It's filled with people, talking and making noise. I shut my eyes tight and cover my ears. "Ugghh." But then I catch the faint smell of scrambled eggs and decide I made the right decision coming here.
It looks like everyone except Daryl, Shane, and Jenner are here. Rick and Glenn are the only ones besides me that look hung over, and Glenn looks the worst of all of us. I hear people chuckle as I approach the table.
"Look who's up and about, so early in the morning," T-Dog teases.
Rubbing my eyes with my sleeve, I just motion for him to leave me alone and plop down next to Glenn. This just makes everyone laugh even more. We must look like a pretty pathetic duo.
"Here, from Jenner," Lori says, passing me a bottle of asprin. I take the asprin gratefully and lean back in my chair, exhausted.
T-Dog comes over, too energetic for this early in the morning, "Eggs. Powdered, but I do 'em good." He starts spooning them onto our plates. When he gets to Glenn and I, he says, "Protein. Helps with the hangover."
"I love you so much right now, T-Dog," I say, shoveling eggs into my mouth.
"Don't ever ever ever let me drink again," Glenn moans.
I notice Daryl come in at some point. We make eye contact and I'm suddenly embarrassed. I probably made a fool out of myself last night, said a bunch of overly emotional stuff, and now I look like shit. He awkwardly nods at me before looking away and going about his business. At least he's nice enough not to tease me about anything. He certainly has the perfect chance.
I push my plate away after I've scraped it clean and put my head down on the table, starting to drift back to sleep. I faintly hear the conversation around me. It seems Shane came in with some scratches on his face or something. I don't know, I just want to sleep.
DARYL
I start putting together a plate of food, pilin' eggs onto my plate and a bit of everything else they've got out. I don't get many chances to eat like a fat ass and I'm not about to pass this one up. I eat standing up, not seeing much space at the table. When I came in and saw Red piggin' out on eggs, I was about to call her out on bein' about as ladylike as a rabid walker, but then she looked up at me and I blanked. All I could see was her on the couch last night, all pathetic looking, asking me where I was goin'. I glance over at her again, in all her hungover-glory. She's still got that dress on, but now she's got a hoodie over it. It looks like she tried hidin' her mess of hair by pullin' up the hood, but it's not doin' any good. I remember the asprin I brought, compliments of Merle's stash, thinkin' she could use it after last night. I reach into my pocket to get it for her, but I see a bottle of it right next to her already. Must be from Jenner. I drop my hand and go back to eatin' my eggs, turning so I'm not facing her anymore.
Jenner comes into the room and everyone greets him. I notice him looking over Red, all amused. The fuck he thinks is so funny? He gets himself a cup of coffee and looks back at Red again. "Oh, I see you must've had a pretty fun night. I was hoping to talk to you this morning but I'm not sure you look up to it, Dr. Turner."
I pause, my fork halfway to my mouth and look at him confused. Who the hell is he talking to? There ain't any doctors left here, 'cept him. Red's head flies up from the table, her eyes wide. Everyone's got their eyes on her and I finally get it. Turner. That's Red's name. She's a fucking doctor? I drop my fork to my plate. I could tell wasn't no uneducated loser or nothin' but since when was she a fucking doctor?
ASHLYN
I snap my head up and stare at Jenner. My mouth hanging open and my hair sticking out of my hood, the only thing I can do is stare in shock. He's leaning against the counter, coffee mug in one hand, and a bunch of papers in the other. I look around the cafeteria at all the confused faces looking back at me in disbelief. I can't tell if their surprised because they weren't expecting it or because I probably look more like a homeless person right now than someone with a pHD.
"You're a doctor?" Rick asks, trying to piece everything together.
"Well, uh.." I start saying, but I'm still surprised.
"What kind of doctor are you?" Andrea asks.
"I uh, have a PhD in Sustainable Development," I mumble.
"I knew your name sounded familiar," Dr. Jenner continues. "You worked with Dr. Hanson, from the Global Health department here. He told me about you, gave me a copy of your article to read a while back. I found it last night," he holds up the papers, "thought I could discuss it with you."
The shock of being found out has woken me up and I'm sure the asprin will start kicking in soon, so I nod slowly at Jenner, getting up from my seat. I can't really avoid it now. Besides, I've decided not to run away from things anymore, this seems like a good place to start.
"Well then," he says, handing me a cup of coffee, "shall we?" I follow him out of the cafeteria, and into what I guess is his office. It's a corner room with a big glass window, looking out over what I remember him calling Zone 5—the large room with all the white desks. I'm a little annoyed with him to be honest, but he's being friendly enough. This is also the perfect opportunity to learn more about the outbreak.
"I apologize for calling you out in front of your friends. I didn't think you'd have any reason to hide who you are," he says, genuinely, while he take a seat at his desk.
I don't sit down, instead I wonder over to a book shelf and start examining the books. "Who I was," I correct him. "PhD's don't mean anything anymore." I look over at him, "I didn't really have any reason for hiding it from them. It was more like I was trying to hide it from myself. Do you mind if I borrow some of these?" I ask, pulling a book off the shelf and reading the back.
He watches me, deep in thought for a moment, then answers, "They're all yours."
"Thanks," I say, pulling a couple more down. I notice some documents on a shelf that look interesting. It looks like they show when communications were lost with other facilities, but it's hard for me to tell.
"You can take those too, if you want," Jenner says, noticing my interest. I pick them up and add them to the stack of books. I finally take my seat across from him, prepared to answer all of his questions.
"Your article, 'An Evaluation of Human Population Growth and Why it Poses a Threat'. It's very interesting. I reread the whole thing last night." He keeps looking at a picture on his desk, but I can't see what it is. "You anticipated that our population would reach it's carrying capacity, at which point we would encounter either war brought on by a lack of resources or a global epidemic."
I watch him carefully, wondering when he's going to ask what's really on his mind. "Yeah, that was the gist of it."
Picking up on my aversion to the topic, he says, "You don't have to talk about this, if you're not comfortable with it." Is that it? I used to be so enthusiastic about my work, am I really not able to talk about it anymore? I suppose that's why I hate it so much now. All that enthusiasm—for nothing. I stare at the back of the picture frame, wondering if that's really why I can't talk now. "My wife," he says, turning around the frame to reveal a picture of a beautiful woman. I look up at him, not sure what to say.
All I manage is, "She's beautiful."
"Was beautiful, "he corrects. "And smart. She used to work here." He looks at me pensively, as if he's deciding if he should tell me more. "You remind me a lot of her. Don't take that in any strange way, of course. From what I read of your work—and what I heard about you from Dr. Hanson—you were very passionate about what you did. She was the same way, up until the second she died." He's talking to me so genuinely, I can't help but feel invasive, like I'm hearing things I'm not supposed to.
"You must've loved her a lot." That's all I can think to say, because now I'm thinking about Mel and how much I loved her. I know she always chastised me for working too hard, but that doesn't necessarily mean she didn't support my career. If I could talk to her now, I imagine she'd yell at me for giving up so easily. She would ask me how much could I have really loved my job before if I abandon it now, when people so desperately need help. I look back at Jenner, "If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them."
The corners of Jenner's mouth turn up just enough for me to notice. "The part about a possible epidemic, that's the part you consulted Dr. Hanson on. You wanted to better understand how they spread so you worked with him, and a couple others."
I nod, "I did research on it and wrote about it, at least a bit. The focus of the article had more to do with resource depletion and how it could start another World War. In my mind, it was a race between the two, which one would hit us first."
"It looks like we won't have to worry about another World War for a while," Jenner half-heartedly jokes.
"Not against the living at least," I add. This conversation might not be as terrible as I thought. He continues asking me about my work, occasionally adding anecdotes of things he worked on in past. I never thought I would have this sort of scientific discussion with anybody ever again, especially not one I enjoyed, but here I am, enjoying myself. I begin to realize Jenner and I have a lot in common. Our views, our way of thinking, our experiences. For the second time, I'm really glad I ended up here.
After our conversation slows, Jenner, looking at the picture again, asks me, "Do you think this is it then? Do you think this is our extinction event?"
I'm slightly taken back when he asks that in such a direct way, but I can't say I've never thought about it. "We've clearly reached a turning point in our population curve, but that doesn't necessarily mean we can't stabilize. It's a common pattern in population logistics, once a population reaches carrying capacity, limiting factors drive it back down."
"Yes," he says dismissively. I'm sure it wasn't anything he hadn't thought of himself. Anyone who took an environmental science course in high school learned about carrying capacity. He asks again, looking me straight in the eyes this time, "But do you think this is it?"
He's honestly starting to scare me, the way he's asking that—as if he has no hope left. I want to give a more reassuring answer, but all I can say is: "There's only one way to find out, isn't there? We wait."
After a moment, he begins, "There's something I need to tell you, about Dr. Hanson—"
A knock at the door stops him. I turn my head to see Shane, leaning against the door frame. "Sorry to interrupt you nerds, but we common folk have got some questions of our own." He doesn't look particularly angry, but his words have a sharp edge to them that surprise me.
Jenner stands up first, "Yes, of course." He gives me a look that I can't quite interpret, but it only lasts an instant. I want to ask him what he was going to say, but I figure another time would be better.
We leave his office and reconvene with the rest of the group. I notice a few people looking at me strange, particularly Daryl. It almost seems like he wants to come over and talk to me but keeps thinking better of it.
Glenn walks over to me and gives me his usual smile. "So does this mean I have to call you doctor now?"
"If you mean because I have a PhD in kicking ass, then yes, you have to call me doctor." He laughs at my response, instantly putting me in a brighter mood.
We all follow him back to Zone 5, he has Vi bring up the lights again, and then head to what seems to be the main computer. We all face a large screen that stretches across the entire wall. "Give me the playback of TS-19."
"Playback of TS-19," the computer voice replies.
A loading box appears on the screen followed by what seems to be MRI scans of a human brain.
"Very few people got to see this, very few."
"Is that a brain?" Carl asks.
"An extraordinary one. Not that it matters in the end," Jenner replies. "Take us in for the E.I.V"
"Enhanced Internal View," Vi states.
Everyone is captivated by the screen as it zooms in, showing all of the inner workings of the brain.
"What are those lights?" Shane asks.
"It's a person's life—experiences, memories. It's everything. Somewhere in all that organic wiring, all those ripples of light, is you. The thing that makes you unique. And human."
"You don't make sense ever?" Daryl asks, not really following.
"Those are synapses," Jenner clarifies, "Electrical impulses in the brain that carry all the messages. They determine everything a person says, does, or thinks from the moment of birth, to the moment of death."
"Death? That's what this is? A vigil," Rick says, not liking the direction this has taken.
"Yes," Jenner breathes. "Or rather, the playback of the vigil."
"This person died?" Andrea asks. "Who?"
"Test Subject 19. Someone who was bitten, and infected… and volunteered to have us, record the process. Vi, scan forward to the first event."
"Scanning to first event."
An image of the brain comes up, in which the brain stem and the area around it is black and lifeless, not like the flashing lights of the rest of the brain.
"What is that?" Glenn questions.
"It invades the brain like meningitis. The adrenal glands hemorrhage, the brain goes into shutdown, then the major organs." As Jenner speaks, the black area of the brain spreads until the entire brain is black and the patient stops moving. "Then death. Everything you ever were or will be—gone."
Sophia looks up at her mom, "Is that what happened to Jim?"
Carol nods and grabs her hand. "Yes."
I keep staring at the screen, trying not to think of Jim's life leaving him like this. I feel some eyes glance my way at the mention of Jim but I don't look back.
I hear Andrea inhale sharply, most likely thinking of her sister just like I thought of Jim.
"She lost somebody two days ago," Lori explains to Jenner. "Her sister."
"I lost somebody too," Jenner confides to Andrea, "I know how devastating it is." He looks away from her and commands, "Scan forward to the second event."
"Scanning to second event."
"The resurrection times vary wildly. We had reports of it happening in as little as three minutes. The longest we heard of was eight hours." I think of Jim again, and how lucky I was to have that time with him. He could have changed before I even knew he was at the camp. "In the case of this patient, it was two hours one minute… seven seconds."
Red lights start flashing at the brainstem, flickering on and spreading.
"It restarts the brain?" Lori asks in astonishment.
"No, just the brainstem. Basically it gets them up and moving—"
"But they're not alive?" Rick interjects.
Jenner looks at him and motions to the screen, "You tell me."
"It's nothing like before. Most of that brain is dark."
"Dark, lifeless, dead. The frontal lobe, the neocortex, the human part—that doesn't come back. The you part. Just a shell. Driven by mindless instinct."
Suddenly, something—a bullet—rips through the brain on the screen, severing the brainstem.
"God. What was that?" Carol asks, drawing back.
"He shot his patient in the head. Didn't you?" Andrea accuses.
"Vi, power down the main screen and the work stations."
"Powering down main screen and work stations."
"You have no idea what it is, do you?" Andrea continues.
"It could me microbial, viral, parasitic, fungal—"
"Or the wrath of God," Jacqui interrupts.
"There is that." Jenner replies, his tone reminding me of when he asked me if I thought we're going extinct.
"Somebody must know something," Andrea pries. "Somebody somewhere."
"There are others, right? Other facilities?" Carol asks. I remember the papers I saw earlier.
"There could be some," Jenner comments, with no hope in his voice. "Other's like me."
"But you don't know? How could you not know?" Rick asks aggressively.
"Everything went down. Communications, directives—all of it. I've been in the dark for almost a month."
"So it's not just here," Andrea asserts, "There's nothing left anywhere? Nothing. That's what you're really saying, right?" Jenner doesn't answer and everyone understands what that means. "Jesus."
"Man, I want to get shitfaced drunk again," Daryl says, rubbing his head.
"Dr. Jenner, I know this has been taxing for you" Dale says, a bit of sarcasm in his politeness, "and I hate to ask one more question, but… that clock," he points to a large digital clock on the wall, "It's counting down. What happens at zero?"
Jenner hesitates for a moment, "The.. basement generators—they run out of fuel."
"And then?" Rick asks. Jenner starts walking out of the room. "Vi, what happens when the power runs out?"
"When the power runs out, facility wide decontamination will occur."
I don't like the sound of that. And from the looks on everyone's faces, they didn't either. Jenner's already gone though, so Rick gathers up Shane, Glenn, and T-Dog to check out the basement. Everyone else goes back to their rooms. Although 'decontamination' sounds bad, if it's something we should really be concerned with, Jenner would tell us. Instead of joining Rick's group, I decide to find Dr. Hanson's old office. Considering he worked for the Global Health branch of the CDC, I figure there might be some useful information lying around.
I see Daryl walking in front of me so I walk up to him, matching his pace. He's got the bottle of Jack from last night, now almost empty.
He's clearly distraught over what Jenner said, just like everyone else, so I try reassuring him, "What Jenner said, it's bad, but it doesn't change anything , you know. Like he said, communications were cut early on, there could easily still be other facilities—"
"I don't need you explainin' it to me. Jus' cause I ain't no doctor doesn't mean I'm stupid," he snaps. I stop walking and look at him, hurt. So that's how it's going to be? He's going to shut me out, just because I'm a doctor?
"Well, fuck you, Dixon," I say back. He stops walking and turns around, surprised. I don't know why I'm so upset, he's always been like this. I brush passed him, bumping his shoulder on my way. I suppose it's because I thought we were actually friends, but I guess he doesn't feel the same—
I almost fall backwards when something suddenly yanks on my wrist, pulling me back. I turn to see Daryl, his arm outstretched, holding me there. He looks almost frantic.
"Wait, shit, I didn't mean in it," he stammers. He drops my wrist and continues, "I was just talking outta my ass, forget I said that." Speechless, I stare at him for a moment before I feel my cheeks heating up.
"No—I, it's fine." I regain my composure and tell him, "Already forgotten."
He lets out a breath he must've been holding and straightens up. Avoiding eye contact, he nods at me and starts back down the hallway. I watch him go before making my way to Dr. Hanson's office, my mind stuck on the strange occurrence of Daryl apologizing to me.
When I find Dr. Hanson's office, I'm surprised to see it's exactly as I remember it. Everything neatly in order, no sign of any chaos that I expected to have happened. I walk over to his desk and find two envelopes, one on top of the other, both already torn at the top. The first one is a small letter envelope, the second is a large catalog envelope. I open the small one first and pull out a single sheet of paper. I recognize the neatly scrawled cursive as Dr. Hanson's and start reading. It doesn't take long for me to realize what it is. A suicide note.
My body goes cold and it feels like the air in my lungs disappeared, leaving my chest hallow and aching. I keep reading. Even if he's gone, he clearly intended for this note to be read. He apologizes to his family, to his friends, to everyone he worked with. "I let you down, and I'm sorry." I almost can't finish it, but I manage to get to the end. The letter indicates that the content of the bottom file is his last report, describing everything he knows on the nature of the outbreak—which, he admits, is very little. I fold the letter back up and put it in its envelope, my hands shaking. I pick up the second envelope, this time understanding the significance of it. I only pull the papers out half way, examining the contents. Most of the report seems very technical, so I have no hope even trying to understand it in my current state. I sink to the floor, tears pooling in my eyes. For some reason, I had believed he was alive. When I worked with him, he didn't seem like the kind of person who could die. Always one step ahead of everyone else. I realize now how childish that was.
I sit there, my back against the wall behind his desk, holding the envelopes to my chest. Everything that's happened up until now seems to be hitting me all over again, opening up old wounds. I'm exhausted all over again, but this time not from a night of partying. I fall asleep, thinking about how, even if I wanted to, there's nowhere left for me to run.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'd still like to hear if anyone's interested in a bonus chapter about Mel's backstory. I won't be offended if you tell me you're not, I just want to know.
Thanks again for all the reviews and follows, they always make my day! I'll update again soon, pinky promise