Part 5
The days went on peacefully leading up to the evening of the engagement party and Adam began to enjoy ranch work again; being in the outdoors was balm to his soul and working in the peace of animals was calming. But he also enjoyed the camaraderie of the ranch hands and the jokes bandied about and found himself smiling. The hard work was a type of therapy although his back complained against all the heavy lifting. Nevertheless, Adam never shirked and worked just as hard as any other hand and harder than most, after all, the land was part his, and he realized that the smell of the soil and the scent of the pines as well as the breathtaking beauty of the lake was in his blood and ran deep; that was the other siren's call he had always heard in his soul.
The hands were all relaxing after lunch and Adam was getting ready to split up the men into groups to search for any cattle which hadn't yet been included in the count for the winter herd. It was important because the cattle would be released to wander wherever they chose, finding the bales of hay and salt blocks that would be dropped randomly across the property ever two weeks or so, depending on the amount of snow. Adam stood up and noticed one of the hands was lying on his side, resting on one elbow away from the others. He slowly and quietly approached the recumbent figure.
"What you got there, Handy?" Adam asked, looking down on the man, his arms crossed across his chest.
"Oh…Adam," the man said, sitting up and tucking a small flask in his inside jacket pocket. "Just a little something to warm me up-there's a little chill in the air today. Oh, I guess I should have offered you a nip." The man reached back into his pocket and pulled out the bottle and offered it to Adam. Adam took the bottle, stared at it and then threw it against a nearby tree; the glass shattering and the alcohol spraying.
"Now, you got no call to do that," the man said jumping up.
"There's no drinking on the job, Handy. You know that. You won't get a second chance." Adam turned to walk away and there was silence among the group of men. Even Hoss and Joe just stood and shuffled their feet waiting for Handy's reaction.
"You think I don't know all about you, Cartwright? I wasn't here five years ago but I got me an earful about the high and mighty Adam Cartwright, sneakin' out of town with his pregnant whore and gettin' caught by the husband." The man stood staring at Adam, daring him to say or do anything. Handy knew he had at least two inches height on Adam and about 40 pounds. He was itching to beat Adam Cartwright into the ground; he could almost feel Adam's jawbone split under his fist and then his other fist sink into the flesh of Adam's stomach, making his abdominal muscles spasm and causing him to vomit in the dirt.
Adam slowly turned to face him. Hoss debated with himself as to whether or not he should step in and end the matter but then, when he saw Adam's face-a face gone cold and expressionless. Hoss backed off-he didn't want to mix it up with Adam either. They all watched as Adam slowly walked toward Handy and with a movie as quick as a striking snake, Adam punched Handy in the throat with the first two knuckles of his right hand.
Handy dropped and grabbed his throat, struggling to breath and Adam slowly turned away and went to check the cinch on his horse's saddle.
Handy gasped, trying to draw in air, writhing on the ground; he couldn't talk, just stared helplessly, his eyes begging for help. Hoss dropped down beside him, trying to see how desperate the situation was but Handy just stared at Hoss with panic in his eyes until eventually, he managed to suck in more air and his wild thrashing in the dirt calmed somewhat.
Joe walked over to Adam. "What the hell was that, Adam? That's no fair way to fight."
"Who said that fighting had to be fair?' Adam said with a slight smile. "I don't have time for people like Handy-the quicker they're put away, the better."
"But, Adam," Joe said, "he coulda been killed-you could've killed him."
Adam shrugged. "But I didn't-at least not this time."
Hoss and a few others put Handy in the back of the buckboard after taking out some of the equipment and Hoss left to drive him to town to Doc Martin. And Adam called out for Hoss to pay Handy his wages and fire him.
Adam broke the men into groups and sent them off and no one complained that their assignment was more arduous than another; they just nodded or said, "Yes, Mr. Cartwright," and everyone gave Adam a wide berth. Even Joe looked at Adam with new eyes and that night, Joe put Cochise away quickly and then took to the house to tell his father about the incident.
That night after supper, Ben sat down to smoke his pipe and asked if he could talk to Adam in private. Joe and Hoss looked at one another knowingly and went off to their rooms. Hoss walked staidly up the stairs, his hands in his pockets but Joe kept glancing back hoping that Ben wouldn't reveal that Joe had been the one to tell him. Joe now had a little fear of his brother running through him and he didn't want Adam angry with him.
"Adam," Ben said, "I heard about you and Handy this afternoon-apparently, from what I've heard, you almost crushed his larynx."
"It needed to be done," Adam said quietly.
Ben leaned forward in his chair, holding his pipe by the bowl in one hand. "There are other ways to get things done than immediately resorting to physical violence."
"Of course there are," Adam said, "but I chose the fastest and most efficient way. What's wrong with that?'
"Are you just going to pull your gun and shoot the next person who disagrees with you?" Ben was angry but he also was afraid, afraid that Adam had lost all his compassion. Adam just sat calmly and stared at him, his face blank, devoid of any emotion. Adam wanted to tell his father that it wasn't just a disagreement and that if any man had said what Handy had in another place and time, Adam would have shot the man and felt his death well-deserved. But he didn't.
"You want me gone, Pa? If you do, just say so."
"Adam, you know I don't want you gone and that has nothing to do with this," Ben said, "but I think you've forgotten how to deal with civilized men!"
Adam threw back his head and laughed-and Ben felt a chill run through him. Then Adam looked his father straight in the eyes and said, "I'm beginning to think there's no such thing anymore, Pa. All men have that atavistic barbarian, that merciless, cold-blooded killer in them just waiting to claw its way out. Everyone, Pa. Even you." Then Adam stood up and walked up the stairs and all that Ben could do was stare after him.
The night of Joe and Polly's engagement party was chilly, but the ladies could still wear their light silks and taffetas. Chinese lanterns lit up the outside and blossomed on lines strung across the great room. The table was lined with foods of all types and no one was shy about making themselves a plate, saving room for the large cake waiting in the kitchen for Hop Sing to present later. The musicians were situated in a convenient place and Polly was radiant and Joe couldn't keep the smile off his face. Adam also found himself smiling. He and Ben stood on the sidelines and didn't dance, but instead made small talk with the guests. Adam did notice though, when Lucy and her parents came in. Joe and Polly went to greet them and kisses were exchanged. But what Adam noticed first was how pretty Lucy looked in her dark green, silk dress and the second thing Adam noticed was that she seemed truly happy for Polly, exchanging hugs with her and Joe as well. Lucy's face was open and honest and Adam tried to make sense of the difference in how she was tonight and how she had seemed that time in town-broken-hearted; he couldn't reconcile the images.
Lucy went over to Adam when she saw him standing across the room and Adam returned her smile as she walked over to him. "Why, Adam, you did stay for the party-I'm so glad." Lucy put out her hand and Adam took it in both of his. He couldn't help but notice again how delicate she was and how very pretty she was with her gentle smile and bright hazel eyes.
"Well, you don't think I'd miss my baby brother's engagement party, do you? Especially after we had thought no woman would ever have him," Adam said.
Lucy smiled again and Adam felt his breath catch slightly. "Well, I was a little unsure that you would stay. I was afraid you'd miss it just so you wouldn't have to dance with me-you promised me a dance, remember?"
"Well, now, Lucy," Adam said, hemming a bit. "it's been a long time since I danced and I don't think that I'm practiced enough. I might very well embarrass both of us"
He saw Lucy's face change with a quick look of disappointment. Then he watched as she altered her expression to a teasing smile but he could see the slight pain in her eyes. Adam realized again that he had hurt her feelings.
"I tell you what," Adam said. "I promise you the last dance."
"Well," Lucy said, her voice slightly quavering, "as long as you mean it. And you heard him, Mr. Cartwright," Lucy said turning to Ben, "you heard him promise. As his father you should make him keep his word."
"I promise, Lucy. But, in the meantime, would you mind dancing with 'Old Man Cartwright' here who finds you fetching in your gown." Ben sensed Lucy's great disappointment that Adam had declined to dance and after she acquiesced with the phrase that she would be delighted to dance with him, Ben led her onto the dance floor. So Lucy danced all evening with the various men who complimented her on her beauty and charm and how nimble she was. And Adam watched and for some reason felt uncomfortable; he finally admitted to himself that Tag-along Lucy was no longer a child, no longer a pest but that she was a beautiful woman and that he was an old man-too old for her at their fourteen year age difference-and that thought made him sad and he didn't understand why. He didn't understand the longing he felt, the acute emptiness his arms felt.
To indicate that the party was over, the musicians broke into a rendition of "Good night, Ladies," and after saying something to her parents, Lucy walked across the room, weaving between the dancing couples to face Adam. "It's the last dance, Adam. You promised me."
"So I did." He looked down at her, at her eager face, and then, put one arm around her waist and held her hand with the other and waltzed her onto the dance floor. They twirled amidst the couples who were leaving and those who wanted to dance on until the last note was played and Adam found himself beginning to feel the way he usually did when he held a desirable woman in his arms. He realized it was Lucy's body close to him that aroused him, the scent of her light perfume and the feel and smell of her hair and the softness of her body disturbed him-she was Lucy, the small girl who had tagged along behind him practically her whole childhood, the child with skinned knees and freckles and her incessant questions and he felt that he shouldn't feel sexual desire for her.
As they danced, Adam struggled with the urge to pull Lucy against him and crush her mouth with his. He wanted to toss up her skirts and pull her under him and he was ashamed. "You dance well, Lucy," Adam said to put some distance between himself and his emotions.
"I've always been good at following you, Adam, always following your lead wherever it took me," Lucy replied, looking up at him but she wasn't smiling.
Adam stopped dancing and looked down at her; he had to break this hold she had on him, this hold that he never fully realized. He dropped her hand, released her and walked out the front door. Lucy stood alone on the dance floor amid the few couples left and then followed Adam out, stood on the porch and watched him go into the barn.
She hurried across the yard, ignoring the people who were leaving and saying good-night to the three Cartwrights and Polly who also stood in the yard. Lucy pushed the barn door partially open and slipped in. Adam sat on a bale of hay in the semi-darkness of one lone lamp, holding his face in his hands.
She quietly walked over until she stood in front of him. "Adam?" He looked up at her.
"Damn, Lucy, why can't you leave me alone? Why do you have to follow me every place I go?"
"I could say it's just habit, but the actual reason is that I love you, Adam, and as much as I've tried, I can't love any other man." She kneeled in front of him as he sat.
"Well, maybe you just haven't tried hard enough," Adam stated. He didn't want to be cruel but she disturbed him so much, caused such a stir of emotions in him that he felt as if his gut was being turned inside out.
"I have, Adam-trust me I have. But I realized long ago that all my life I'd been waiting to grow up so that you'd notice me, not as Lucy, the little pest who tagged after you, who worshipped you, who dreamed of the day when you would finally love her, but as Lucy, the woman who adores you, who worships you and still dreams of the day you'll love her."
Adam sighed deeply. He didn't want to feel this, didn't want to feel the emotions she evoked; they hurt too much. "Lucy, look at me." Adam said. "Really look at me."
"Oh, Adam, I can't see anything else but you," Lucy said. "When I saw you in town that day, I couldn't breathe-it was as if time stood still. I couldn't believe that my prayers to God, my prayers that you would be returned safely were actually answered. And pray I did, Adam" She placed her two hands over his clasped ones." Every day, continually, I prayed for your safety. I even made deals with God to have you returned whole and happy."
"Well, Lucy, God didn't answer all of your prayer. God didn't return your Adam Cartwright. I'm not the Adam that left."
"You're the Adam Cartwright I love, that I'll always love-even if you don't want me to...even if you don't love me. But, Adam, even if everyone who ever loved you died, know that I would still be here to love you. As long as I'm alive, no matter where you are or where you go, just know that I love you."
And Adam looked at her with sudden understanding of one thing, all those times he had felt alone and abandoned, when he felt that even God had nothing but disdain for him, Lucy had loved him. All those times when he stood looking over the ship's railing at night and considered how easily he could end his isolated existence by merely slipping quietly into the water, Lucy had loved him and had prayed for him, for his safe return.
Adam stared at her and grabbed her by her forearms. "Look at me! What do you see? Not the man I was. I'm an old man. I look as old as my father. I'm gray and scarred both inside and out. And look at you, Lucy, young and fresh and so achingly beautiful that I want to cry and bow down in humility. Look, Lucy, look at me!" Adam let go of her arms. "Oh, Lucy, I don't deserve your love. I've done nothing to earn it. Save it for another man."
"Deserve my love? Earn my love? Oh, Adam. Everyone deserves love, particularly you, and you don't have to earn my love-I give it to you freely. It doesn't matter what you think of me, Adam,-I love you, my beautiful darling. I love you, even if you don't want it." And Lucy leaned toward him and kissed him gently on the scar that ran across his cheek. She sat back on her heels and looked at him.
Adam felt a painful swell in his chest. His jaw quivered and he was afraid to speak, afraid that if he did, his past pain would escape from his soul in agonizing sobs for he felt such strong emotion that he could barely contain himself.
"Let me love you, Adam. Please. That's all I ask. Let me love you."
"Oh, Lucy," Adam said in a strangled voice, "my darling Lucy." And he grabbed her and pulled her to him, kissing her eyes, her cheeks until he found her mouth and kissed her as if she was saving his life with her very breath. He held her and rocked her in his arms as she sat on his lap. He murmured that he loved her, that he could never admit it to himself before, but now, now, he saw her as the one to save him from the darkness into which he had fallen, that by loving her he could possibly reawaken all the feelings of tenderness he had so easily harbored years ago, before the darkness came over him and he and Lucy clung to one another as if they were saving each other from drowning in that dark sea. And Adam finally felt a connection with another person again, with Lucy. And along with that, he felt a relation with the rest of humanity and like everyone else, he needed to love another-and to be loved himself-and he deserved happiness.
~Finis~