Janet was in the hospital for two days following Jocelyn's birth. She spent most of the first day catching up on sleep while Jocelyn was in the nursery in between visitors. After school, the boys were brought over to meet their sister. They didn't seem too excited and they only held her because they really weren't given a choice and as soon as they could, they passed her along and climbed up on their mother's hospital bed. They really missed their mother and when Sharon and Tom took them home they cried.
On the second day after Janet woke up and Jocelyn was placed in her arms she began to cry and couldn't stop. She was overcome with such emotion; heartbreak; anger and sadness. She was cradling a miracle baby in her arms; a baby she never thought she would have; a baby she never wanted until she came to be; the baby girl that Eddie desired and now he wasn't here to enjoy or love this precious little miracle. Janet saw so much of Eddie in Jocelyn that it was just proving to be too much and with her pregnancy hormones on overdrive it pushed her over the edge. The doctor ended up giving her a sedative to calm her down. When she came out of the sedation, she thought felt better but as soon as she saw Jocelyn she teared up again so her doctor prescribed her a strong anti-depressant. Considering that her husband had been in a coma for the last nine months; she had been working like crazy to support her growing family; she had been raising three young boys on her own and that number just changed to four; she was overwhelmed; lonely; stressed out both emotionally and physically so postpartum depression was no surprise and no one wanted to take a chance so just to be safe, Janet swallowed the pills.
As soon as Janet was released, she had her mom drive her to Eddie's nursing home so he could meet his daughter. For every mile that passed to Mission Flats tears fell to match them. Like every time she visited Eddie, there was a small part of her that hoped he would be awake but she knew he wouldn't be but maybe, just maybe, having Jocelyn in his arms might be what it takes to wake him up or at least she hoped with everything she had that would be the case.
Once they arrived at the nursing home, it took Janet twenty minutes to make it to Eddie's room because all of the nurses, who had been with Janet through most of her pregnancy, wanted to see and hold the newest bundle of Latekka joy. By the time Janet and Jocelyn got to Eddie's room, with Sharon trailing behind carrying the carrier and diaper bag and Jocelyn was crying because she was hungry.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours with the boys okay sweetheart?" Sharon was going to go to the grocery store and when the boys got off the bus, she was going to bring them to see their dad. Since Janet had been in the hospital the boys hadn't been to the nursing home and even though they hadn't asked to come by, they always asked about their dad.
"Thanks mom."
"Is there anything you want or need from the store?"
"Nursing pads please."
"Of course." Sharon kissed Janet and her granddaughter. "Enjoy your visit."
Janet walked over to her husband and kissed him softly. Tears filled her eyes when he didn't respond to her kiss. She just wanted him to wake up and smile at her. With a sigh, she pulled a chair up next to Eddie's bed, lifted her shirt and pulled a swollen breast out and helped Jocelyn attach so she could eat. For a few minutes, Janet stared at her daughter with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Sorry, I haven't been by to visit the last couple of days but I was otherwise occupied giving birth to our daughter; the daughter that you wanted. I was in labor for twenty six hours; twenty six very long hours and you weren't there. I needed you Eddie and you weren't there." Some of Janet's sadness was dissipating only to be replaced with anger.
"Every morning the boys wake up, share the adventure that they had with you while they were sleeping and then they give me some message from you. At first, I blew it off, thinking it was just the boys' way of dealing with their loss but now, I believe that somehow, you have found a way to communicate with our children. So if you can do that, why in the hell aren't you communicating with me? Dammit, Eddie, I need you. I need communication from you. I just need you." Jocelyn stopped eating and Janet moved her to her shoulder to burp her.
"Yesterday, I couldn't stop crying. I just couldn't stop thinking that you weren't here for her or me. Eddie when I learned about this pregnancy I had a lot of fear but one of my biggest fears was postpartum depression. With the boys, it was you that realized something was wrong and then you were there for me as I got better. You took care of me and the boys until I could do it myself. I hate to imagine what would have happened had you not been there. I was terrified that it would come back with this pregnancy and guess what Eddie? It's back and it has a lot to do with you. Maybe if you were here I wouldn't be feeling like I am feeling; I wouldn't be crying constantly. Now, I am on a really strong anti-depressant and my mom is going to have to move in for the next couple of weeks to make sure I don't hurt myself or our children. I am a grown woman whose mom has to move in and babysit me. It should be you Eddie. It should be you taking care of me." Janet wiped her tears.
"I suppose you want to meet your daughter." Sniffing, she stood and placed the baby in between his arm and the side of his body. "Eddie, this is your daughter Jocelyn Edith. She really wants to meet you so please, Eddie, please wake up." Janet stared at Eddie, looking for some reaction but there was none. Janet sat back on her chair and took his hand in hers.
"I am so mad at you and at the same time, I miss you so damn much. It's hard Eddie. It's so hard and I don't know how much longer I can do this without you. I hope you can hear me because I need you. I need you so much." Janet wiped away her falling tears and picked up her daughter. "Well baby girl, I hope you didn't anticipate too much from your father cause it looks like this is all we're going to get. "
Janet took three weeks of maternity leave from Best Friend Windows instead of the normal six weeks because Janet knew her family couldn't afford any more time off; three weeks was pushing it financially as it was. The first week home, it took everything she had to get out of bed every morning but knowing that she was experiencing postpartum depression she made an effort to get up and help get the boys off to school but once they were gone and in between Jocelyn's crying spells she was in bed alternating between crying and sleeping.
During the second week of her maternity leave, her medication really began to take effect and she felt better. She had more energy; spent less time in bed and more time out of bed; she became more affectionate with the boys and she didn't cry every time she looked at her daughter. Sharon noticed theses changes as well and spent periods of times away from the house, leaving Janet alone, increasing the alone time every time Sharon left the house and each time Janet handled things fine.
On her third and final week of maternity leave Janet was completely on her own but Sharon and Laura were just a phone call away. The first day Janet awoke early, thinking she would have plenty of time to get the boys up and ready for school but she didn't count on Jackson dragging his feet; Josh spilling his orange juice down the front of him and having to change his clothes; Jacob falling back asleep in front of the television while Janet thought he was getting dressed and Jocelyn just crying. Because of all of those combining factors, the boys missed the school bus and Janet ended up dropping them off an hour late.
The second day Janet woke up earlier than the previous day and the boys just barely made it to the bus. It was that day Janet decided to do whatever it takes to make her life as a single mother of four children easier so she and Jocelyn made a trip to the salon where Janet cut nine inches of curls off which resulted in her hair coming to rest right below her ears. She knew Eddie would hate it when he woke up; he loved running his fingers through her curls but at this point she was going for convenience and short hair was going to make her life easier for her and it worked. The next morning the boys were ready in plenty of time for the bus and the rest of the week went relatively smoothly.
The night before Janet was to return to work Jocelyn, decided that she wasn't going to sleep well. Janet had just fallen asleep when Jocelyn woke up screaming. Janet tried to feed her but she wasn't having anything to do with eating. Janet gave Jocelyn her binky but she just spit it out so finally Janet just walked her screaming daughter around while patting her back and butt and she finally calmed down but as soon as she was laid back in her bassinet, she started screaming again so Janet spent the night walking and catching some sleep in the rocking chair until Jocelyn began crying again. The next morning, Janet was exhausted but she went to work and no one had any idea.
Once Janet returned to work, little changed in her daily routine that she had before Jocelyn was born. She got up in the mornings, got the boys ready for school and left them with her mom to get them off to school and then during the day her mom stayed with Jocelyn. After work, Janet came home, fed her children, cleaned up and then went to the nursing home for an hour. After their visit, the five of them came home; the boys got their baths while Janet packed their lunches. After bath time was over, the boys had their television time while Janet bathed herself and Jocelyn and then finally Janet read the boys their story, kissed them goodnight, fed Jocelyn and she put the two of them to bed. Every night, Janet slept hard until her daughter woke her up for food and then she slept hard again until her alarm went off.
During the weekends Jack and Laura kept all of their grandchildren and like she did before she spent the night at the nursing home but this time she just crawled in bed next to him and caught up on all of her sleep that she missed out on during the week. On Sunday mornings, over her breakfast of bagels and Eddie's IV breakfast Janet talked to him about the past week; about the upcoming week and about her feelings and when she was mentally exhausted, she kissed him goodbye and with a heavy heart she left him to start another week without him.
When Jocelyn was six weeks old she developed colic and the next two months were miserable for Janet and the boys. Jocelyn barely slept. She cried all of the time and nothing would make her happy. Everyone thought that maybe Jocelyn was reacting to the stress in her mother's life but she was colicky with everyone so life became miserable for Janet and the boys. Janet was exhausted and irritable and at times she took it out on the boys.
"I'm gonna get you." Jackson yelled as he chased his squealing brothers through the living room. Janet jumped up and grabbed the three boys.
"Enough."
"We're playing cops and robbers." Jacob told her. "Me and Josh are the robbers and Jax is the cop trying to get us."
"Not right now you're not. I just got your sister asleep so you need to be quiet."
"But we're playing." Josh whined.
"Well play quietly. Read a book or play your candy land game."
"We don't wanna play candy land. We wanna play cops and robbers." Now Jackson was whining.
"I don't care what you want. You are not playing cops and robbers right now. You can play when Jocelyn wakes up."
"You are so mean." Jacob accused.
"Yeah. You're so mean." Josh echoed his brother. Before Janet could respond the triplets ran up stairs, not quietly, and slammed their bedroom door shut. Janet closed her eyes, hoping that Jocelyn slept through that but after a few seconds of silence Jocelyn's cries through the baby monitor filled the room. Fighting back tears of frustration, Janet headed upstairs to her crying daughter.
"Do you hear what you did?" Janet opened the boys' bedroom door and snapped at them. "You woke up your sister."
"I hate our sister." Jacob yelled.
"She's always crying." Josh said.
"We always have to be quiet and can't have any fun anymore." Jackson added and Janet began to cry.
"You don't hate your sister. You are her big brothers. You love your sister." Josh walked over to his mother and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Don't cry mommy. Daddy says that…"
"Stop Joshua. Stop all of you. I don't want to hear anymore about what your dad says. Your dad is not here. "
"But he…" Jackson began but Janet stopped him.
"No. I mean it. I don't want to hear any more of daddy's messages." Janet had reached her breaking point. Today was the one year anniversary that Eddie fell into his coma and Janet was overwhelmed with emotion. "Now since you can't follow my instructions and you were loud and woke your sister up you will sit on your beds and think about what you did wrong."
"But mommy…" The three boys cried.
"No buts. On your beds." The boys stood there and cried. "NOW." Once the boys were on their beds, Janet walked out of their room and across the hall to her daughter's room, to her crib and she lifted her into the room.
"Shhh baby girl. Mommy's here." Janet whispered as she settled into the rocking chair. Janet rocked back and forth, rubbed Jocelyn's back as her tears fell. She felt like the world's worst mother.
Jocelyn ended up falling asleep for about an hour on her mother's chest. Janet didn't hear anything from the room across the hall and she knew the boys had fallen asleep which made her feel worse. She should have taken this time, to take a cat nap since all four of her children were sleeping but her mind wouldn't shut down so instead of resting she spent the next hour, with Jocelyn sleeping on her chest missing her husband and wishing things were differently.
A few hours later, Janet had ordered the boys' favorite dinner; pizza. She had some coupons and extra money saved and after the rough afternoon they all had, they deserved their favorite dinner. Pizza was the one and only meal that all three of them loved.
"Boys, I am really sorry for yelling at you earlier today."
"It's okay mommy." Jacob told her.
"No baby, it's not okay. Jocelyn has been sick and crying all of the time and mommy is just so tired."
"Daddy told us that we should have been quiet when Jocelyn was asleep." Josh explained. "Ow." He suddenly yelped. "Mommy, Jax kicked me." Tears filled his eyes.
"Jackson, you do not kick your brother. Tell him you're sorry."
"You told us not to tell you anything else that daddy says and Josh told you. I kicked him to stop cause I didn't want you to cry again."
"Oh baby, I shouldn't have said that. I was just upset. I am glad that you boys get to talk to daddy. Whenever you tell me something that daddy says it just makes me sad and miss daddy more when I you tell me about your dreams with daddy but don't stop. I want you to keep telling me about them." The boys nodded. "So what did daddy tell you this time?"
"He told us that we should have listened to you and been quiet so we wouldn't wake up Jocelyn." Janet nodded.
"He said that we should never ever say that we hate our sister. He said that was very bad." Josh said tearfully.
"It was bad but I understand why you said it and I know you didn't mean it."
"We're really sorry mommy." Jackson told her.
"And Jocelyn. We are sorry that we said we hated her. We don't hate her."
"I always knew that." Janet walked around to each chair and kissed each one of her boys. "I love you boys so much and I promise, things will get better."
"Yeah cause daddy is going to wake up soon." Jacob informed his mother.
"Did daddy tell you that?" The three boys nodded solemnly. "I hope your daddy is right."
"He is." The three of them told her confidently. Janet realized that if she didn't change the subject soon, she would start crying again.
"Okay boys, after you eat your pizza all gone, there is ice cream for dessert."
"Yay!" The boys began shoveling their pizza into their mouths.
"Hey guys, I'm home." Janet called walking into her house. Jocelyn was now four and half months old and the boys were six and out of school for summer break.
Jocelyn's colic disappeared when she was three and a half months old and after two very long months with a miserable baby things once again became tolerable. Jocelyn was only waking up one to two times at night for a feeding and once her belly was full, she fell right back asleep as did her mother. Since Janet was getting more sleep, she was less irritable with the boys. Since Jocelyn was getting more sleep and wasn't screaming constantly the boys actually hung around her. They loved to make her smile and laugh and whenever she laughed, they laughed right along with her. For the first time in months, everyone was happy in the Latekka household, or as happy as they could be without Eddie.
"Hey sweetheart." Sharon greeted her daughter.
"Hey mom. Where are the boys and Jocelyn?" Janet was used to the boys running up and hugging her if they weren't outside playing.
"Jocelyn is napping and the boys are laying in the living room."
"Are they sick?" Janet knew her boys never just laid around if they could be outside playing.
"They woke up with stuffy and runny noses and pretty much have just laid around all day. They actually napped for a couple of hours today."
"They are sick. My boys never nap. Any fevers?"
"I checked after they woke up from their naps and there wasn't any but they all have a cough which they didn't have before they fell asleep."
"What about Jake? Is his asthma acting up?" Jacob's asthma was always a concern whenever he was sick.
"He's been fine but I have his inhaler ready to go."
"What about Jocey?"
"She's fine."
"Well that's something at least." Janet put her purse down and went into the living room. She found Jackson in the recliner; Jacob on the love seat and Joshua on the couch. "Hey guys." She kissed each of their heads and they felt warm but not fever warm. Their cheeks were red so she knew a fever was forthcoming.
"I don't feel good mama." Josh told her.
"My throat hurts." Jacob added.
"I'm coughing." Jackson informed his mother.
"I know. I'm sorry that you don't feel good. How about a popsicle?" The three of them nodded and told her what color they wanted.
Since the boys were sick Janet decided to forgo the visit to the nursing home for the night. Instead, she, Jocelyn and the boys cuddled up on the couch and watched some movies. By the time the boys fell asleep for the night they all were coughing; Jacob and Jackson had a fever and Josh was wheezing so bad that Janet had to give him two breathing treatments.
The boys fell asleep early and in between coughing spells Janet actually enjoyed a relatively peaceful, night; something she rarely had anymore. She decided that since the boys' cough was worse when they were lying down, they were going to camp out in the living room. Occasionally, she and the boys would build tents out of blankets and camp out in the living room and they loved it but this night, they just wanted to sleep.
The next morning, the boys woke up feeling worse than they did the night before. If they were sick with a cold or sore throat, they were perfectly content staying home with Sharon but when they are really sick, the only person they want is their mom so Janet made three doctor's appointments and called off of work, something Nick was fine with. He had always encouraged her to stay home if the boys needed her. Thankfully, Jocelyn was fine and Janet was hoping that she would stay that way.
By eleven that morning Janet was back home with three sick boys diagnosed with bronchitis and a sinus infection. She had three prescriptions for antibiotics and cough syrup and another inhaler for Joshua and since it was Friday and they were going to spend the rest of the weekend vegging out in the living room, Janet stopped and rented them plenty of movies to keep them entertained. Janet wanted her boys to be as comfortable as possible so they could get better.
Like any good mother would, Janet waited on her boys every need. As a mother, she felt that by waiting on them when they were sick, she was contributing to them eventually getting better and the boys didn't take advantage of that. There were times over the weekend that they would ask for something but the other times, when they would attempt to fend for themselves, Janet jumped up and took care of it. On Saturday evening Laura and Jack offered to come over and hang out with boys so she could go to the nursing home for a couple of hours but she declined. Her boys were sick and she was staying with them; Eddie would not know if she was or wasn't there so she opted to say with the boys who needed her and thankfully by the time Monday rolled around, everyone was better.
Two weeks after the boys got sick the microorganism made its way over to and invaded Janet's body. She did go to the doctor and unlike the boys' bronchitis that was bacterial hers was viral and antibiotics wouldn't work. Her doctor recommended taking a few days and resting but Janet being the stubborn woman she was didn't take any time for herself to heal. She justified it to herself by telling herself she couldn't afford it. The boys had begged and begged and begged their mother to go to the local day camp because of their friends were going and even though it was going to cost her an arm and a leg, she relented; they deserved to have a little bit of fun. It wasn't a cheap experience and Janet had been saving for months and still had a hundred dollars to go so she needed to work. She wouldn't ask anyone for help because her family; Eddie's family and friends had already done so much and she had no intention of letting her children down.
Every day Janet showed up at work dosed up on cough syrup, sinus medication, decongestant, and cough drops in between doses of the cough syrup. Anytime someone would ask her how she was feeling, she lied and said that she was feeling better when she wasn't. She never told anyone that she could hardly sleep because she was coughing so badly or that whenever she coughed she wanted to cry because it hurt so bad or that whenever she moved to fast she had trouble breathing. She kept all of these things to herself but she wasn't fooling anyone. Nick tried to talk her into going back to the doctor; he hated to see her looking and feeling so miserable but she refused so he finally had enough. He called in reinforcements; Hannah.
"What are you doing here?" Janet asked with a cough when Hannah walked into Best Friend Windows. "Nick is out…at a site."
"I'm here to take you to the hospital."
"What? Why?"
"You are sicker than a dog Janet."
"I'll take a nap when I get off."
"You are way past a nap."Hannah had to pause while Janet coughed and when she finally stopped she had trouble catching her breath. "Honey, you can hardly breathe, and I can hear you wheezing from over here."
"I just can't leave work. I have a job to do."
"You absolutely can leave work. Nick knows I am here and what my intention is. Now you have two choices Janet."
"I am not a child Hannah." Janet wheezed and Hannah ignored her.
"Choice number one; you can come with me willingly. Choice number two; I can call Nick, Owen, Ikey, Tom and Jack to come over here and we will drag you to the hospital. Now what's it going to be?" Janet knew that Hannah was not kidding and even though Hannah had given her two choices she knew she really only had one.
"Fine. I will go willingly."
"Good girl."
An hour and a half later Janet was in a semi-private hospital room diagnosed with pneumonia. After arriving at the emergency room Janet was taken right back and immediately given two back to back breathing treatments. From there blood was drawn and a chest x-ray was done. It took no time at all for the radiologist to spot the pneumonia and once the blood work came back, Janet was admitted and started on IV antibiotics.
"This is really isn't necessary." Janet mumbled.
"Yes it is necessary Janet. You need to get healthy for your boys and Jocelyn. For over a year you have been playing mother and father while working a full time job, growing a baby and taking care of a colicky newborn. You have practically worked yourself to death taking care of your family but you forgot to take care of yourself." Tears began to fall from Janet's eyes.
"I know. You're right." Janet didn't even bother to argue. "I've done a really crappy job taking care of myself because the only thing I can think of are my children. They lost Eddie. I'm the only parent they have left and it's my responsibility to take of them."
"People love you and want to help."
"I've already taken too much charity. Eddie's parents are paying for the nursing home. My mom and Tom paid for an addition to the house and the remodeling of my old bedroom into a bedroom for Jocelyn."
"It's not charity Janet. It's family helping out family and you know damn well if the situation was reversed you would do the exact same thing."
"They boys want to go to the day camp. Do you have any idea how much it costs to send three boys to day camp? It's one fifty per child but I get a twenty five dollar discount for each additional child so it's costing me four hundred dollars to give my boys something they want. I have been saving every penny. Because of my maternity leave I don't have any more time off and that's why I have been working so hard. I need the money Hannah. I'm on food stamps so I can feed my family."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm ashamed."
"You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing what is necessary to take care of your family." Janet nodded.
"Speaking of taking care of my family, I need to make arrangements for the kids since I can't get out of this place."
"Already done. Nick and I are taking Jocelyn. Ikey and Katie are taking Jacob. Your mom and Tom will have Jackson and Jack and Laura will have Josh and then we are going to rotate them. It will be fun and they boys will love it."
"Thank you." Janet whispered tearfully and Hannah leaned down and hugged her best friend. "Get some sleep while you can cause we will be bringing the boys back to visit." The patient nodded and closed her eyes. She really was exhausted.
Janet was in the hospital for five days which included the weekend. When she was released she had specific instructions to rest so Laura camped out to make sure her daughter in law followed all of the doctor's orders. Janet was so glad to be home. She was not a fan of hospitals. She has spent way too much time in her young life in the hospital as a patient when she was pregnant with the boys and Jocelyn and as a visitor with Eddie and even if that wasn't the case she wanted to be home because she missed her children.
"Hi Mrs. Latekka." Melissa, one of the nurses at the nursing home greeted when Janet walked into Eddie's room. She hadn't been to visit Eddie since she was in the hospital and since her family wanted her out of the house visiting Eddie gave her the perfect excuse to leave. Today was her birthday and the boys with the help of their grandparents were setting up a "surprise" birthday party. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes I am thank you." Janet's eyes drifted over to the bed. "How is our patient today?"
"Same as always." Janet bit her lip and nodded. "I was just getting ready for his sponge bath but I can come back later so you can visit."
"Actually, can I give it?" Usually Eddie has had his bath by the time she arrived for her visit.
"Absolutely. I've already taken care of his hair but haven't gotten around to shaving him yet."
"I can do it. Thank you."
"Yell if you need anything."
"I will."
Once the door was closed, Janet gathered all of the shaving supplies, sat on the side of the bed lifted his bed up to a semi-upright position, lathered him up and carefully shaved his three day old beard. Once his face was clean and smooth she removed his gown and lovingly washed his body with her hands lingering. It had been so long she has touched him so intimately and she missed the feel of his body under her hands. By the time she was done bathing him, she felt that some of emptiness that has been ever present wasn't as empty.
After discarding the bath water she put some of his cologne on, leaned forward, and cupped his cheeks in her hands. "I love you so much." She whispered before she gently pressed her lips to his. Just as she was getting ready to pull away she swore she felt his lips move against her. Gasping she pulled back, opened her eyes and found she was looking directly into the brown eyes that she hasn't seen in fifteen very long months.