Chapter Fifteen

Christian tries to escape from reality for a little while longer, ordering another bourbon. But every sip somehow becomes a reminder that he has beyond fucked up this time, so he knows that it's time to head home and beg Ana's forgiveness. Leaving too much money on the table, he staggers out into the accusing night and hails a cab to take him back to his car, planning to sleep on the rear seat until he's sober enough to get behind the wheel. On seeing that someone is in the driver's seat, his fists clench in rage, even as some part of his brain tries to calm him. Approaching, he recognizes Taylor. Of course; anyone else would have triggered the alarm. Without a word, Christian enters and inelegantly slumps into the passenger seat. After a few seconds, Taylor tersely commands, "Belt."

Christian tries, but it proves challenging enough that Taylor completes the task. They've been underway for a few seconds when Christian finds the courage to say, "I fucked up, didn't I?"

Taylor jaw clenches and then he asks, "Yes, sir, you did. Don't you want to know how your pregnant wife is coping in your absence?"

Christian flinches under the power of the word "pregnant" as a weapon. But, having decided to face the music, says only, "Go ahead."

"Gail found her, collapsed and sobbing, on those pompous fucking tiles in your bathroom. She had a headache, bad enough to beg for help with it, and had to be blackmailed with the health of her baby just so she'd eat something. That's all I can tell you, because Gail ordered me to find you and drag your sorry ass back home, though I honestly think Ana is better off without you, at least until you sort your shit out. For fuck's sake, you're going to be a father. You can't pull this sort of shit anymore."

"Pull over."

Having guessed why, from the desperation in his voice, Taylor immediately complies and Christian falls out of the car onto his knees. After voiding the suddenly hostile contents of his stomach, he stands and faces Taylor – ever the professional, still following and watching over him – to say, "Hit me."

"What?"

"Hit me. I know you want to; no consequences."

His control slipping just a little, Taylor goes so far as to grab the front of Christian's jacket. But the absolute lack of resistance stays his hand and he drops his fist, saying, "Just get in the fucking car. If you still want me to hit you when you're sober, I'll be more than happy to oblige. For fuck's sake, man, you're an adult; you need to start finding adult solutions to your problems."

Christian groans and says, "I know. Of course, you're right. I just don't fucking know how."

"The same way any of us do; practice. You must have known running off and getting pissed wouldn't work for very long. Where the fuck were you, anyway? Sol says you went for a walk? But that was four fucking hours ago."

Wincing, at the imminent tirade, Christian bleakly confesses, "I ended up at Esclava."

He doesn't even see the blow. But, drunk as he is, he still feels it, and welcome pain explodes across his face. The car stops him from ending up on his knees again. He's half sprawled on the hood, looking up into the eyes of a very angry man who demands, "Did you fuck her?"

The pain of that accusation hurts more than the punch. But Christian knows full well he deserves both, and says, "No. Even if I didn't find her repulsive, I wouldn't do that to Ana…couldn't do that to Ana. I know it was fucked up, but I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to."

Backing off a little, Taylor bitterly accuses, "Couldn't think of anyone else who wouldn't kick your ass, you mean."

"Yes." Fathoming, for a moment, the sudden additional pain in his heart, Christian asks, "Why do I feel like I should apologize to you?"

That gives Taylor something to think about. After a few seconds, he says, "Probably because I've always admired you. But, right now, I'm not sure I even want to know you."

Christian's winces and ducks his head in apology; his voice is barely above a whisper when he asks, "Do you think Ana feels that way about now?"

Taylor's rage remains intact for a moment longer, then his expression softens and he says, "No, I don't. For some unfathomable reason, Ana loves you, and she's stronger than any of us. She's probably at home worrying about you, despite the fact that you don't deserve such consideration. Get in the fucking car."

Having been alerted that Christian is "safe and relatively sound", Ana is waiting in pajamas and robe when the elevator doors open. The ride up clearly having caused some stability issues, a wobbly Christian is supported by Taylor's iron grip around one bicep. "Where do you want him?"

Her anger evaporating at Christian's pathetic appearance – disheveled clothing, tousled hair, bloodshot eyes and a darkening bruise on one cheek – Ana is grateful that she won't have to approach; for fear that her resolve will crumble. "Bedroom, please."

"I'm sorry, baby."

Taking a deep breath, so she won't scream, Ana says, "No doubt. And it looks like you'll be even sorrier in the morning. But you don't get to call me 'baby' tonight."

Flinching at the venom in her voice, Christian says, "Okay."

Stepping aside, to let the men past, Ana says, "It wasn't a question."

Wondering if she'll be able to maintain this charade, when all she wants to do is fall into Christian's arms now that he's home, Ana knows that she's on the right track when Taylor gives her a surreptitious thumbs-up as he walks by, guiding his boss along the corridor.

Between the two of them, they manage to remove Christian's jacket and shoes. Recoiling, Ana says, "God, Christian, you reek. Have you been smoking?"

"Mmm, hmm…cigar; jus' one. Took it up at Harvard, so they wouldn't…."

Looking to Taylor for the answer, who merely shrugs, Ana prompts, "Wouldn't what?"

Falling backwards onto the bed, his feet still on the floor, Christian covers his face with one arm as he says, "Know what a freak I am." Seconds later, he's softly snoring

Stricken by a sudden need to wake Christian and beg forgiveness for his crimes, Ana looks in appeal to Taylor, who says, "Stay strong. You're doing great. Need anything else?"

"No, thank you. I can take it from here."

Studying her for a moment, Taylor observes, "You've already forgiven him."

"Yes. Don't worry. I fully intend to give him hell for a while. But I can't stay angry over this. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle our news. But it's not as if I could keep it from him forever."

"But…how? Gail told me what he said. Aren't you furious?"

Offering a weak smile, marveling that she has that much in her, Ana says, "It's even worse than that. He didn't come right out and say it, but actually thought for a second that I might have done this on purpose."

"Stupid fucker. I honestly thought he was past this. He's been doing so great. And you saw him with Sophie. It made me hope…" Trailing off, Taylor shakes his head.

Taking pity on him, Ana motions that he should follow her. Once they're in the hallway, she quietly says, "What I'm about to tell you is known only to myself and John Flynn." She doesn't ask for his discretion, knowing that she already has it. At his nod of understanding, Ana continues, "The reason I knew Christian wouldn't be able to handle this is because, when he thinks 'parents', his subconscious conjures up an image of the man who abused him and the woman who permitted it. No matter what good Grace and Carrick have done, in his mind, that original atrocity of family life is what's real for him."

Nodding, Taylor says, "He's worried that he'll repeat that pattern."

"More than that, he's being doing so for several years." At Taylor's obvious confusion, Ana says, "I'm surprised that you haven't worked it out, given how long you've known him. Are you aware of the work he's been doing with Flynn most recently?"

"Uh, huh; reliving memories until he no longer has a visceral reaction to the remembered trauma. Some of my friends – former soldiers – have benefited from the technique."

"I'm glad he's discussing it with you. John says that every time Christian talks about it aids his recovery, but there're still so few people he can trust with the information." After a deep, bolstering sigh, Ana says, "The first memory was also his first beating. I didn't realize until later why it bothered me so much…I mean, it bothered me, but…anyway. Christian identifies with the man who beat him and his mother."

"Identifies with? Are you telling me that Christian somehow…what, that sick fucker has become part of his identity?"

Her voice and expression appropriately grim, Ana reveals, "Apparently, it's fairly common in cases of domestic violence. For several different reasons, he feels…felt, a need to copy the behavior of the man would beat Christian's mother while she cowered on her knees, then have sex with her…rape her, basically. And this horror, he was forced to watch, or be beaten yet again. His innocent eyes saw it all."

Taylor glances in at the still soundly sleeping Christian and says, "Fuck, so when he...all those women. I thought it was something to do with rage at his mother."

"So does Christian. He has no idea this is lurking in his subconscious. But I knew it after that first memory, and John confirmed it when I called him the next day. He'd suspected, and was certain after hearing an account of the beating; all this time, Christian has been continually mimicking behavior he learned from the first father figure he knew. In that moment, with each and every submissive, he essentially was the man who beat him."

Clearly still struggling with the concept, Taylor says, "So, when Christian contemplates being a father…?"

Ana nods that he's got it, and says, "His brain tells him that he'll do so with extreme violence. It feels like an unalterable truth for him. The fact that his conscious mind knows otherwise means nothing when that fear surfaces." Smiling in at her drunk, tortured, yet ultimately decent husband, she smiles and concludes, "His inherent gentleness and goodness means that the very idea of parenthood has become abhorrent to him, even as he secretly longs for the chance to right the wrongs done to him before he was old enough to stop them from becoming part of who he is."

"Fuck."

Ana manages a weak laugh and says, "Well said. Kind of makes his relationship with all those women seem even more creepy, doesn't it?"

"It does." Staring at Christian for a few seconds, Taylor asks, "But he's getting better?"

Finally with something to really smile about, Ana says, "All the time." Rubbing her belly in an unconscious gesture of affection towards her unborn child, she continues, "If everything had gone according to plan, Christian would have been ready to become a father by the time I fell pregnant."

Taylor smiles his love for her and says, "You're going to be a wonderful mother." Glancing at Christian, he adds, "And that sorry excuse for a man will become an adequate father, if I have to slap it into him."

"Did you hit him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Jaw clenching in distress, Taylor finally says, "Because he deserved it. Ma'am, please promise me you won't let him get away with this?"

Ana laughs and says, "Ma'am? Still, Jason?"

Unapologetic, Taylor says, "Since I could speak, I've been taught that 'ma'am' and 'sir' are a sign of respect, and you deserve it."

Her eyes misting with grateful tears, Ana says, "Okay; 'ma'am' it is, thank you. I promise. The fact that I want to go in there, curl up in his arms and forget this evening ever happened doesn't alter the fact that panic is not reason enough for him to treat me like that. Any suggestions? I'm still relatively new to this…the whole errant husband thing."

Taylor chuckles and says, "Don't worry, Ana, women are born knowing how to punish a man. You'll do fine." After only a moment's hesitation, he leans over to plant a chaste kiss on her cheek, and says, "Congratulations, Mrs. Grey. Get some sleep, okay?"

Struggling to maintain her composure, Ana can only manage a nod in reply, though she recovers enough to say "Thank you, sir," as he leaves. Glancing back, to show that he's understood, Taylor waves a hand and leaves her to it.

Taking another deep breath, Ana approaches Christian and looks down at him. This time consciously rubbing her belly, she whispers, "Well, Blip, that's your Daddy. I know; not very inspiring at the moment. But it'll get better, I promise."

Lifting his legs, which prove surprisingly heavy, Ana swings them onto the bed so he'll be more comfortable. She's still shuffling his unhelpful form when he mutters, "I'm sorry."

Assuming he's talking in his sleep, Ana glances at Christian to see that he's actually awake…just. Hardening her will, she says, "As you should be."

Even drunk, his speed is phenomenal, and she's on the bed beside him, barely aware how it happened. About to protest, she's silenced when he rests a cheek on her abdomen and whispers, "And I'm sorry to you, too."

Clenching her fists, so she won't caress his hair, Ana is on the verge of weeping when Christian suddenly becomes heavier and starts snoring again. Bringing a hand to her mouth, in order to suppress a hysterical giggle, Ana carefully extricates herself from his embrace. He still doesn't look very comfortable, but she's not brave enough to risk waking him again. Fetching a spare quilt, she's about to cover him when she sees that his wallet and phone are still in his pockets. Carefully as possible, vigilant for signs of wakefulness, she removes them and nearly drops the phone when it suddenly beeps at her. The sound making Christian stir a little, Ana's gaze flies to him, as she prays that he doesn't again wake. So she misses the first part of the message preview. But she sees who it's from, and is in time to read the words "…a wonderful father," scroll across the top of the screen.

When Ana recovers from the shock, it's to see that she's been standing there for a full minute, warring with the need to read the entire message and her desire to trust Christian, despite his monumental failure to earn it tonight. Trust wins. But this fresh betrayal demands an answer. Shutting his phone down, so it cannot wake him, Ana retrieves her cell and sends him the message, "Why is that BITCH texting you at 2 in the morning?" Confident that he'll understand how angry she is, given her expressed aversion to that particular insult, Ana nods her satisfaction and stows the phone in a pocket of her robe.

Fury lending her strength, she quickly gathers everything she'll need for the morning. Arms full, she heads upstairs to the spare room, grateful that Gail has kept it ready for surprise guests. Dumping everything on an armchair, she locks the door and gets into bed, still trembling with rage. It's a long time before she finally falls asleep, so she has time to come up with a plan: project "Educate Christian Grey" will begin first thing in the morning.

Author's note: I've a few ideas for Ana's project. But, as you're all clearly very upset with Christian, I'll also take the first few suggestions. [Anyone know why this interactive process is against the rules? Or have I misunderstood them yet again?] Do remember that "castration" will ensure that Phoebe is never born, and will seriously mess with my timeline, given that I've already written her existence in "On the Rocks";-)