Author's note: Recent response has been a little overwhelming, thank you. With so many comments (and a desire to reply to all of them) I may have responded twice to some and missed others. Please forgive. Thank you, for reading and/or reviewing.

Chapter Seventeen

Armed with professional sanction, a lot more information about coping with pregnancy, and a body that no longer appears intent on punishing her for existing, Ana is feeling indomitable as she rides the elevator up to their apartment. All that confidence erodes when the doors open to reveal Christian waiting for her, at a respectful distance; arms hanging loose at his sides, his head bowed as if in shame or deep introspection, and looking unfairly good in tan jeans and his dark-green sweater. He looks up at her arrival, his expression one of pure longing, apparently waiting for a sign from her before he takes any action at all. Suddenly reminded of a wind-up toy soldier before the key is turned – the static image seeming so at odds with Christian's dynamic personality that it grips her heart with sorrow – Ana is again consumed by a powerful need to just sink into his arms and never leave.

Prime Directive: HOLD FAST

Her legs finally receiving the command from her brain, Ana steps through the doors as they attempt to close. Holding out her briefcase, she's amazed and thrilled that her voice remains steady as she says, "Good evening, Christian. Would you please put that by my desk? Is dinner ready?"

Clearly shocked by her civility, Christian's reflexes serve him well again and he snaps to, taking her case as he says, "Good evening, Anastasia. I'm glad you're feeling better. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes, if that suits?"

"That's fine, thank you. How do you know I'm feeling better?"

With a quiet smile, he says, "You're a normal color again." Reaching out a hand to not quite touch her forehead, he says, "And I've worked out that your brow crinkles just a little when you have a headache. Did you see that the appointment is tomorrow?"

Her heart pounding at the close call – if he'd touched her right now, she'd have crumbled – Ana starts walking as she says, "Yes, thank you. I'll be there. You're in Portland, tomorrow?"

"Uh, yes. I can cancel, if you'd prefer? It's important; we're setting up the continuation of the WSU grant for this coming semester. But you're more important."

Her heart thrilling at this validation of her efforts, Ana says, "No, that's not necessary. What time will you be home?"

"I'm not sure; probably late. These things have a tendency to get out of hand. I'll call you when I know for sure?"

"Thank you."

Ana suddenly stops, only now noticing that she'd been heading towards the master, instead of the guest room. She's wondering if it's possible to recover from this gaffe, without him noticing, when Christian gently says, "It's all right, baby. We're both going to make mistakes. But we'll get there, because the alternative is terrible enough to literally wake me screaming. I understand that I've lost your trust, but I will earn it back. I'm onboard, wherever you lead us, okay?"

Step 6. Accept help from whomever offers; you'll need it.

This knowledge that his nightmares have returned, after almost three weeks without them, stabs Ana with grief and guilt, even as his support lends her enough courage to meet his gaze and say, "Thank you. I'll just freshen up and meet you in the dining room."

Christian nods and lets her past him to the stairs. She's almost there when he says, "Ana?" When she turns to him, he smiles as if he doesn't have a care in the world and says, "Thank you, for giving me this chance to prove that I can be a good father, and a better husband. I swear, on the life of our child, that I won't let you down again; either of you."

Hold fast…hold fast…hold fast…

"We'll see, Christian, we'll see." Wondering if perhaps everyone has been right all along – she really is strong – Ana stares down at them in amazement when her feet obey her enough to climb the stairs away from him.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, now in casual clothing and secretly armed with her "lucky" socks, Ana enters the dining room to see Christian waiting by her chair. This part he's always got right; her submissive side loves and craves the solicitous attention, even as that part of her that will never submit revels in the fact that she's in control of this manifestation of his affection. About to sit down, she panics on remembering that he always kisses her neck or cheek after pushing in her chair, and permits herself the luxury of an audible sigh of relief when he says, "Until further notice: no physical contact without your permission. I worked that one out for myself."

Still, Ana's skin actually tingles in anticipation of the kiss she knows won't happen as she sits down. "Thank you. I'd rather eat, and then talk? Food has to become a priority in my life."

As he takes his seat, Christian says, "Agreed. That's very sensible."

Amazingly, knowing that they're almost again a team means that those angry butterflies leave Ana's stomach alone enough that she can enjoy the meal, though neither of them speak, which feels weird.

Step 7. Make your intentions known; be clear and concise.

Finally pushing aside what little remains of her dessert, Ana wipes her mouth and says to a waiting Christian, "There are a few conditions for this conversation." At his ready nod, she continues, "If you raise your voice, I'll retire for the evening and we'll attempt it again at our earliest convenience."

"I won't."

Recognizing the conviction in his tone, Ana knows that his reply was quick because he'd already decided on that course, so she continues, "If you touch me, in any context, the same action will result."

Daring the hint of a grin, Christian says, "I already said that one. Have you been practicing these all day?"

Of course, she has, but isn't going to let that grin fester into the smile she can't resist, and coolly asks, "Is that a 'yes'?"

His eyes sparkling with good humor, Christian nevertheless curbs his smile and promises, "Yes."

Step 8. Be the reed, not the oak tree; bend, when necessary.

Remembering that one of her goals is to restore balance to their relationship by bolstering Christian's confidence, Ana permits his cheekiness, merely continuing, "If you honestly feel unable to comply with one of my requests, please say so, and we will work out a compromise."

"I told you, baby, I'm onboard. I trust that you're doing what's best for the three of us, so I'll do whatever you say." When Ana stares at him – "the three of us" on a permanent loop in her head – Christian grins and jokes, "You kind of wanna fuck me right now, don't you?"

Blushing at this brutal truth, Ana lowers her gaze for a second, but then looks him in the eye to say, "I asked you to curb your language in my presence. Are you refusing to comply?"

Unrepentant, Christian says, "No, ma'am; just adding levity to a serious conversation, in an attempt to ease your concerns." Carefully enunciating every word, as if they all have equal import, he adds, "I will not be a source of stress in your life."

Step 9. Remember that, ultimately, you both want the same thing; a loving family.

"Is being a father still something you want?"

Flinching from the accusation, Christian says, "Yes. I swear. I know…I can understand…fuck." He quickly amends "Sorry," and, after taking a deep breath, continues, "What I'm trying to say is that I can't imagine how horrible my verbal assault was from your side of the conversation, but it was excruciating from mine. Even as I said those words, and proved that I still don't completely trust you, I couldn't understand why. It was almost as if I was watching the whole thing unfold, horrified yet helpless to stop it. Of course, since talking to Flynn, I now understand it a little better, though his explanation still feels like a lie, or the world's worst practical joke. But, if the two people who know me best say it's true, then I can accept it as a fact and work with that new knowledge until I believe it. May I apologize now?"

"No, you may not. Can you understand why I'm doing this?"

Too shocked at first to speak, Christian gives it serious consideration, then asks, "Because I fu…messed up too bad to be able to make it right with an apology?"

Saddened, but unsurprised, that he's in that frame of mind, Ana shakes her head and says, "For a start, I know you're sorry; you already said so more than once. Secondly, I see little point in apologizing for something that couldn't have been avoided; you acted that way because you were incapable of doing otherwise. Instead, we're going to focus on making sure it cannot happen again. Agreed?"

Again earning back an iota of her trust by thinking before speaking, Christian eventually nods and says, "With one exception." At her wary nod, he explains, "Drunk as I was, I could have chosen not to speak with Elena. May I apologize for that?"

Her heart pounding in response even to that name, Ana steals a few moments to calm herself and then says, "I think you just did. But, yes, though I'd rather not get distracted right now. Write it out and get it to me later, okay?" Contenting himself with a nod, Christian awaits further instruction. "Which brings me rather neatly to my first point; do you remember much of last night, after you left here?"

"Sadly, yes, though there are gaps. I walked further than I would have thought possible, and I don't remember much at all of the car ride home. I may have passed out. You want me to tell you everything?"

"I do, and I trust you to be completely honest. But, again, I'd prefer you write it down; email or letter. Some issues we'll need to discuss, and I thank you now for making that prospect less scary for me by cooperating. But, as you've apparently already learned, stress is dangerous for me and the baby, so I'll avoid verbal confrontations where possible, at least until things settle down. Any questions so far?"

"You have conditions?"

Grateful that he's not only amenable, but actually anticipating her, Ana says, "Yes. I will stay in the guest room until I feel able to trust you again." When he only looks a little pained at this, she continues, "I will not lock the door again, as I know you can be trusted to respect my wishes." Finally finding something to smile about, Ana cheekily concludes, "Except when I'm apparently in danger, of course."

Christian also smiles and says, "Yes. Sorry about that, but you stopped mid-sentence and didn't reply even when I knocked and called your name. I imagined you lying unconscious on the floor, not puking into the porcelain." His brow crinkling a little in confusion, he then asks, "This is not punishment?"

Step 10. Remember that, according to Lorca, he is already enduring the greatest punishment.

"No, though it will feel like it for both of us. I presume that, like me, you've been a little distracted by this all day, and I know what Flynn told you I have a plan. Have you worked out my goal…our goal?"

"Actually, I've been very distracted; thinking of little else other than what I did, why, and how to make it right. I think so; you…we, need to get me past this fear of parenthood by the time our first baby is born?"

Immediate tears burning her eyes, Ana had felt the word "first" almost as a push to her gut; a powerful force of hope. Christian's tortured expression confirms that she's not concealing her disquiet, so she quickly reassures him, "I'm okay. It's just…you said 'first,' as if you're contemplating more children."

With a brilliant smile that does nothing to stop the well of happy tears, Christian says, "Of course. I told you so. The fact that I'm currently unfit to be a father doesn't mean it isn't something I want." Suddenly sobering, he says, "I really did a number on you, didn't I? Do you have any respect left for me at all?"

Quickly wiping away the few tears, Ana says, "I do, or this wouldn't be a discussion, it would be an ultimatum."

Christian slumps in profound relief and says, "Thank you. So, you're imagining a scenario where we'll eventually get back to normal? This is not pressure. I have been, will be and am willing to do anything to have you in my life, under any conditions; including separate bedrooms, if need be."

Free to roll her eyes without repercussion, Ana instead holds his earnest gaze and patiently reminds him, "Christian, I love you; that hasn't changed. And the man I love is the one who can't get through a day without sex, spends quite a bit time thinking up fun new scenarios to act out in the playroom, and enjoys laying his hand on my ass because he knows how much it thrills me, literally to my core." Knowing that she's chosen the right words, when frank desire darkens Christian's expression, she concludes, "But that man is not a father, he's a lover. We need to encourage Cuddly Christian for a while."

With its usual speed, his mood changes, and he grimly declares, "It seems that Creepy Christian is more apt. How are you not disgusted by me?"

Step 10. Make him see that he's deserving of every good thing that's ever happened to him.

With a sigh, at the enormity of her task, Ana says, "Which brings us back to my conditions; every single day, you are to give me one reason why I should let you have anything to do with this child. Any hint of self-loathing, like the statement you just made, means having to come up with one more."

Pondering this for a while, Christian asks, "Well, for how long? How many reasons do I have to come up with?"

"I'm thinking ten?"

Again relieved, Christian says, "I can do that."

Knowing that he's over-confident, Ana says, "Okay, go ahead; they must be believable, and I reserve the right to void any attempt if I think it too weak."

Still confident, Christian says, "Agreed." Several seconds have passed before his smug expression morphs into confusion, then desperation. Finally, it's almost a question when he says, "Because my business acumen ensures that they will want for nothing."

Unsurprised – she knew that his mostly well concealed self-hatred wouldn't make this an easy task – Ana says, "As this is your first attempt, I'll allow it. But I think you can do better. How do you feel about this condition?"

Grimacing a little, Christian says, "Suddenly not so good. But I understand and acknowledge the necessity." Straightening his spine a little, he promises, "I'll do better tomorrow."

Smiling at this evidence that his confidence isn't completely shattered, Ana says, "I know you will. I'm banking everything on your ability to improve." Suddenly thinking of an amendment that might help both of them cope with her plan, Ana suggests, "What about a reward? One kiss for every adequate response?" At his immediate and obvious arousal, she quickly adds, "Just a kiss."

The too-fast rise and fall of his chest an indication of his willingness, Christian says, "Baby, there is nothing 'just' about your kisses. I'd like that, very much. But can we save it for bedtime? I think my dreams might leave me alone if you give me a goodnight kiss."

Her heart aching for him, Ana complains, "Fuck, Christian, now I feel like shit."

With a grin, he says, "Oh, so you're permitted profanities, but I'm not?"

Step 11. Remind him, when necessary, why you're currently in charge.

"Yes. I haven't done anything wrong."

Suitably chastised, Christian cringes and says, "No, you haven't. I'm sorry."

"Accepted. Which brings us back to my conditions; no more discipline. You've lost that privilege, at least for now."

"I'd assumed so, but thank you, for making it clear." When Ana says nothing else, he asks, "That's it?"

"Uh, yeah, pretty much; respect, space, time and the reasons why you'll make a good father. Other than that, we can play it by ear, because I trust you to do what's right. And I suppose it makes sense for either of us to suggest amendments if this isn't working. But that will do for now, unless you can think of anything else we need?"

"Flynn has recommended, and I've agreed, to alter the current course of my therapy. We'll postpone the regressions for now and focus on supporting your plan. You okay with that? You're still welcome to accompany me, but it's no longer necessary. In fact, I think you're better off not going, only because it might be stressful for you, not because I'm concealing anything."

"That's a good idea, thank you." Shaking her head a little, Ana says, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm thrilled that you're being so cooperative. After last night, and even this morning, I thought that you'd fight me every step of the way. Thank you, Christian."

"No, thank you, Anastasia. I know this won't be easy. But, after what I said and did…when I woke up this morning and saw that you hadn't slept in our bed, I was sure you were gone for good, and I knew that…" With uncharacteristic emotion, Christian voice cracks and he clears his throat before continuing, "And I knew that you were right to do so. Do you understand what I mean by 'knew'?"

"Yes, darling; I've turned your world upside down yet again. We're not okay, but we will be."

All the confirmation she needs that they're on the right path is reflected in the solitary tear that runs down his cheek.

Step 12. Protect yourself at all times. The scorpion will sting without warning.

Before she gives in to the apparently constant urge to seek comfort in his arms, Ana brusquely says, "Well, this went better than expected, thank you. I've some work to do, then I'll be getting an early night. I'm exhausted."

"May I…" Ana guesses that her inner turmoil must be present on her face, because Christian hesitates before concluding, "Sit with you?"

Smiling her gratitude, that he's not asked for something she's unprepared to give, Ana says, "Of course. So long as you respect my wishes about keeping your distance, things can go on almost as normal. If you'd been militant, I'd have withdrawn further." Shaking her head a little, she continues, "I'm amazed you're so calm about this. Flynn said you were upset after your session."

With a shrug, Christian reveals, "I was. Learning that I've become the one person I genuinely hate was not fun. Then Flynn interrupted my tantrum with that amendment to your conditions for leaving me; message received and understood, by the way." At Ana's smile, he continues, "By then I'd calmed down a little and asked him to up my dose. Instead, he's changed my script for a powerful and specific anti-anxiety medication; everything is kind of muted. I can't say that I like it very much, but I needed to ensure that I don't fuck up again."

Immediately worried about the long-term effects, Ana asks, "For how long?"

Smiling a little at her concern, Christian says, "Not long, baby. I know you'd said that you weren't leaving me. But I don't think that I could quite believe it until I saw that note. It reminded me that you need me, too, just as much as I need you. We'll get through this. In the meantime, I am chemically bound to hear your demands without panicking. Are you sure about the no-apology clause?"

"Positive." Not quite confident of the answer, despite these reassurances, Ana then asks, "So, she's gone for good?"

"Probably not from Seattle, so there's unfortunately the chance of a random sighting. But, so far as you or I are concerned, yes. She even sold me her handful of shares in GEH. I no longer have either personal or business ties with Elena Lincoln. Would you like to see my reply to her text? I know you trust me to be honest in my written account of my actions, and thank you, for that. But it might give you some peace of mind, to actually see the words."

After considering for a moment, Ana realizes that he's right. "Okay."

As he readies his phone, Christian shakes his head, saying, "How did you not look at it last night? I wouldn't have been able to resist."

"It wasn't easy. Trust is a choice. I just decided to choose you."

Looking at her with wounded love, Christian says, "Even though I don't deserve it?"

Step 13. When he is weak, be strong.

"That's eleven now, Christian."

After a beat, he says, "I'd like to argue the point."

Secretly thrilled that he's doing so, Ana merely nods and says, "Go ahead."

"I maintain that my behavior last night was bad enough to destroy any trust you had for me, and only your strength of character ensured that you have enough faith in me to be having this conversation."

Pretending to give it serious thought, Ana instead counts seven seconds and then says, "Agreed. Okay; we're back to ten reasons why you'd make a good father."

When Ana holds out her hand, Christian hands over his phone, carefully avoiding contact. Even the warmth of that inanimate object threatens her resolve, because she knows that it's his warmth. So her hands are trembling slightly as she brings the screen closer, only to see that the message is still unopened. Looking up at Christian's smiling face, she says, "I suppose you think you're pretty clever?"

She catches a glimpse of the man she loves in his smug grin and he says, "Yes. Want the honor of deleting it?"

Ana does so as she says, "Not only an honor, but a privilege, thank you." Handing back his phone, she adds, "Do you think she was trying to win you back?"

His mood still jovial, Christian quotes, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." When Ana giggles at his Rhett Butler accent, he suddenly sobers and says, "God, I've missed that sound."

They're both quiet for a while, silently warring with the sudden sexual tension in the air. Eventually, Ana asks, "Why did you tell her about the baby?" At his surprise, she adds, "I saw the last few words; she said you'll make a wonderful father."

"I didn't tell her. She asked what our fight was about and I said that you wanted to start a family. Ana, I'm content to share any and every detail with you, but this is not a subject we've ever been able to discuss without you getting upset. You're already under enormous strain, and need to be on guard against such situations until the baby is strong enough to withstand the additional cortisol in your system."

Smiling, Ana says only, "Research."

Christian laughs a little and says, "Yes. We're going to get it right. I can't fail at this. It would end me."

Her voice small, Ana says, "Me, too." Snapping out of her solemn mood, she then proposes, "Well, I have homework, and you need to hover relentlessly in an effort to make sure I'm not overdoing it. Shall we begin?"

Smiling at her description of what their evenings will become, Christian stands and pulls back her chair, saying, "After you, ma'am."

Where credit's due: "To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves." – Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

The Scorpion and the Frog, a tale purportedly originating from a fable by Aesop (The Farmer and the Viper). The Oak and the Reed is also by Aesop.

To all who offered ideas for Ana's project; with special mention to CyannaS, who took an idea I had and made it so much more. As you see, I've implemented your suggestion in its entirety, thank you.