Chapter Eighteen

With Ana working at her desk, Christian soon joins her; plugging in his laptop and sitting where he can glance up and see her. And that's exactly what he does, every now and then catching Ana looking back at him, so they smile a little before getting back to work. After a while, Christian gets her attention and asks, "Assuming I don't fuck up again, hopefully a realistic assumption, we'll be doing this for ten days?"

"Uh, I guess so; hadn't really thought that far ahead. I'm just happy to get through a day at a time right now."

Christian cringes under her just assessment and says, "This evening wasn't too bad for you?"

"No. I'm actually having fun, which would have seemed incredible only this morning. I know you've made enormous concessions for me when it comes to your work, so this is not a complaint, but I miss you when you're in the study."

"I've told you, baby, you're welcome anytime."

He has, in fact, made that clear several times, so Ana shrugs and says, "Yes, I know. But it just doesn't feel right, unless I have something important to tell you." Judging that he can take it, she then teases, "Plus, sometimes you're yelling into your phone and no one wants to be around for that."

"Fair point, though I don't do that nearly as often as I used to. Everyone is better off for me knowing you." When she only stares off into space, he asks, "Ana?"

"Oh, just trying to remember who told me that would happen…I think it might have been Brit." Shrugging off the vague memory, Ana asks, "What was I saying?"

With a quiet smile, Christian says, "You weren't, baby. I was trying to ask if you're okay with me moving my desk in here for the duration of your plan. Okay?"

"Of course. You don't have to actually ask me permission to do stuff, Christian. You're still you, and I'm still me, I'm just…"

When she hesitates, Christian angrily grinds out, "Hurt."

She knows that the anger is not for her, and gently says, "Yes. And you're dangerously close to earning another reason."

Shaking his head to dispel his melancholy, like a dog expelling water from its coat, Christian says, "You're right." Forcing a smile, he then adds, "Are you nearly done? You're getting tired." At her confusion, he explains, "You're twirling that lock of hair at the side of your forehead."

Snatching her hand away from her hair, and blushing that he knows her so well, Ana reveals, "One time, Mom had to cut my fringe because I'd twisted it into a Gordian knot. She was furious." Standing, she says, "You're right. I'm exhausted. Walk me up?"

Immediately brightening, Christian says, "Yes, of course. Uh, I haven't quite finished my apology yet."

Ana laughs and exclaims, "That's what you've been working on all this time? It's been hours, Christian."

Now it's his turn to blush, and he says, "Well, it's difficult to come up with an excuse for the inexcusable, and I first had to document a somewhat sketchy account of my nefarious nocturnal activities. I can send that to you now, if you'd like?"

Ana considers it. She is, after all, very curious to know the details of his evening, but remembers that it will include an account of his conversation with Elena. "No, thank you. I'd rather go to bed happy, and I owe you a kiss."

Just the thought of it, after so long without the feel of his lips on hers, is enough to spread a flush of desire through her body and over her skin. Ana sees an answering passion in Christian's suddenly intense gaze. Audibly breathing control into his body, he then says, "Can we do this? Because I don't want to make things more difficult for you."

It's all she needs; this reassurance that's he's thinking of what's best for them, even at the expense of his own happiness. Knowing that her Christian is the man speaking gives Ana the courage to promise, "We can do it. One kiss, and then we go to separate rooms."

They manage to climb the stairs together without even accidentally touching. At the top step, Ana turns, her face for once level with his, and says, "Uh, maybe we'd better say goodnight here. I'm not sure I trust myself kissing you within a few feet of the bed."

Surprised at her words, Christian says, "Thanks, babe. It's actually reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who…" Glancing at his groin, where not even thick denim is enough to conceal his erection, he concludes, "You know what I mean."

Suddenly concerned, Ana says, "You're sure this won't be too much for you? I know you, Christian; you hurt me, but doing so caused you suffering. I don't want to make it worse."

His smile serene, Christian quotes, "We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full."

Also smiling, she guesses, "Proust." Having decided, Ana nods and says, "Thank you, for a surprisingly pleasant evening, Christian. If we get through this, it will be due largely to your efforts to make things right."

Christian shakes his head a little, saying, "Sweetheart, when we get through this, it will be because you are the most incredible, patient, insightful, understanding…"

When her lips touch his it causes the oddest effect; Ana gasps in wonder at the exquisite pleasure of that simple gesture, seemingly even as a moan of desire escapes her. It's echoed by a similar but deeper sound from Christian; the two of them forging a harmony of need.

Somehow finding the strength to end it before they reach the point of no return, Ana is about to accuse Christian of cheating – she'd felt his gentle caress but been powerless to stop it – when she notices his white-knuckle grip on the bannisters either side of her body. Shocked, and still a little dazed from the kiss, she gasps, "You only touched me with your lips?"

Glancing down at her hands resting on his chest, Christian smiles and says, "Yes, baby, though I'm ridiculously pleased that you couldn't resist breaking your own rule."

Again amazing herself by managing to let go of him, Ana blushes and withdraws her hands as she lies, "I was worried about falling."

His smile changes to a cheeky grin, and Christian says, "Now, you know there's no way in hell I'd let that happen." Ana sees the idea form just before he asks, "An amendment?" At her nod, he suggests, "May I save up these indiscretions, for when you again permit discipline?"

Thrilled that he's already trusting their love enough to contemplate such a time, even as a vivid memory of his hand on her ass takes her breath away, Ana recovers enough to say, "Of course, though I fail to see how thinking of spanking me will make things easier on you."

"Distraction. As soon as you go through that door, I risk sinking into justified rage at myself. I know you don't want that. And I understand that it's not a quality our child needs in their father, so one of my goals in this exercise is to extinguish my ingrained tendency towards self-loathing."

Almost moved to tears at this knowledge of how intent Christian is at supporting her plan, Ana squeaks, "You'd better go."

With a knowing smile that she's so affected by his presence, Christian nods and says, "All right. Good night, Anastasia. Thank you, for a lovely evening."

"No, thank you, Christian, for not making this feel too much like punishment for me. I'll see you tomorrow."

When he makes no move, Ana realizes that he's waiting for her to leave his sight. At the brand new door, her seemingly indomitable strength finally fails her, so that she simply cannot endure looking back at him when she morosely bids him goodnight, before almost fleeing through the door, there to quickly shut it and lean her forehead against the cool varnished wood until she recovers the will to move. Only then does she realize what he'd said, "Sweet dreams, my love."

Turning, she sees an addition to her furniture, which hadn't been there when she got home, though her possessions from the master bedroom were. It's a mini-bar, stocked with drinks and food that were on Dr. Greene's list of prescribed snacks and supplements for pregnant women. Christian must have ordered it during the day and had Taylor install it this evening. Wondering why he didn't mention it, Ana quickly realizes that he wouldn't even see this as being worthy of note; just something that, in his eyes, needed to be done, so he made it happen. Still, she's kneeling in front of it, weeping with gratitude as she lovingly investigates the contents, until she finds the will to drag herself away and get ready for bed.

Not aware what wakes her with a start, Ana is again forced to endure remembering why she's sleeping in the guest room, alone. Running a maternal hand over her belly, she whispers, "That couldn't have been you waking me already, could it, Little Blip?" And then she recalls the dream; caught in a tornado, spinning wildly opposite a beaten and battered Christian, she'd desperately reached for his hand, even as he struggled to get to her, but they'd never quite made it and he'd drifted away from her. Gasping for air, she manages to avoid yet more tears and again addresses the only other being in the room to say, "Well, we don't need John to analyze that one, do we?"

After a drink of water and a visit to the bathroom, she tries futilely to get back to sleep, but her tortured thoughts won't let her. Finally, after an hour of staring at the clock, she decides to sneak downstairs and get some work done. Donning her toweling robe, Ana opens the door and quickly recovers from the shock of seeing someone sitting in the dimly lit corridor when she realizes that it can only be Christian. Sitting in one corner with his back against the wall, legs out straight, his hands having fallen to his sides and his head bowed forward as he sleeps, Ana knows that she got it wrong before; he's not a wind-up toy, rather a puppet waiting for someone to grant him movement. Stabbed with guilt that her actions have reduced him to this, she pushes it aside, because she honestly can't think of another way to heal, and help him do the same, without making matters worse.

Squatting beside him, she gently says "Christian? Baby, wake up," and his eyes flicker open. She can't help but answer his brilliant smile on seeing her. In the next instant, she loses it to ask, "What on earth are you doing here?"

With a shrug, he says only, "I couldn't sleep in our bed without you."

Determined not to let Christian punish himself for perceived inadequacies, Ana stands as she says, "And didn't I say to let me know if you feel unable to comply with one of my requests?"

Wincing, he says, "Yes, you did. In my defense, I only found out when I tried to sleep, and didn't want to wake you. What compromise do you suggest?"

Offering a hand, which he readily accepts, Ana helps him stand, perhaps lingering a moment longer than she needs to before releasing him as she says, "I could sit with you, until you fall asleep?"

Choking on his surprise at her compassion, his grateful mien evident even in this dim light, Christian eventually manages to say, "That could work."

When, as usual, he then gestures that she should precede him, Ana grins and says, "You know how clumsy I am when I'm unfocused; you go first."

Making no mention of why her thoughts might not be currently on where she places her feet, Christian says, "Good plan. Need the lights on?"

Her eyes having adjusted to the permanent emergency lighting, Ana says, "No, thank you. Just catch me if I fall."

His oh-so-familiar playful grin the only warning, Ana is forced to make her suddenly trembling legs work while Christian croons the opening lines of Newton Faulkner's "Dream Catch Me" as they descend. Finally, it's too much, and she stops, sitting on a step while her body still obeys her. "Not fair, Grey."

Chuckling, Christian says, "Sorry, baby, couldn't resist. You did seem like the answer to my dreams just now…as you always have."

Certain now that he's doing it deliberately, Ana asks, "Why are you torturing me?"

Leaning close enough that her body heats up in response to the promised contact, he smilingly says, "Because you can't sleep either. So we both need distraction. And because you like it."

Paradoxically pleased that Christian is pushing the boundaries on their new rules, Ana doesn't really dare hope that he's caught a glimpse of her secret goal – the one she's been afraid to give even silent voice to – so she merely smiles and says, "You've caught on quick."

Christian shrugs and says, "Once I stopped wasting time hating myself, it was easy. One of the things I did this evening was to write down everything you'd said at dinner, so I wouldn't forget it. I understand that your plan is to get me ready to be a halfway decent father. Of course, I want that too, and will continue to support your efforts, even expand on them in cooperation with Flynn. However, going over my notes later, after you'd gone to bed, I suddenly understood why you've given me so few conditions for remaining in your life."

Not quite game to breathe, Ana asks only, "And?"

"You've been telling me so in several different ways." Despite his confident manner, Christian is nervously studying her reaction to his words when he says, "You want me to take back control of our lives." When moisture pools in Ana's eyes, he relaxes and gently continues, "But you're scared."

Ana's voice is so soft that even she can barely hear it. "Yes."

"You believe that I will be a good father."

Though it's not a question, Ana confidently says, "I know you will."

With an apologetic smile, Christian says, "Not quite there yet, baby, but soon. And you believe that I am worthy of your love?" When she only smiles, he amends, "Okay, you know that I'm worthy."

"Thank you. Yes, I do."

"So I'm taking back control. Because, if you can trust me, I can too."

Step 14. When he's ready, pay him the greatest compliment.

Despite his words seeming like a command, Ana knows that, when he then offers his hand, it's a humble plea; that she give him this chance to make things right. Her heart hammering against her ribs, the memory of last night's torment still fresh in her mind, and that recent nightmare returning to haunt her, she can't find the strength to thank him. But she doesn't hesitate to put her hand, her life, and that of their baby in his open palm.

Without a word, Christian helps her stand, then leads her back up the stairs. When she's finally able to speak, Ana asks, "Christian?"

"You need rest, and I'll be fine now. I'll sit with you until you get back to sleep, then we'll stick with your plan. The only difference being that, in matters of the baby's safety, I make the calls. Because we're both new to this, but you know that I'll throw myself into learning everything I can about caring for you both. Agreed?"

"Thank you, Sir."

Christian chuckles as he opens her door and guides her through, saying, "And, if I'm to leave you alone for ten days, you'd better not start any of that shit."

"Just grateful, Sir."

Christian groans, his smiling eyes betraying his true mood, when he says, "I've just given you permission to torture me, haven't I?"

Giggling, Ana says, "Yes. But I am grateful."

Dragging an armchair closer to the bed while Ana gets under the covers, he says, "I really have missed that sound. Thank you, baby. That can't have been easy for you."

"Easier than being the one who has to worry about everything, including you. You reminded me of a puppet, sitting out there on the landing, waiting for your puppeteer. It just seemed so wrong."

Grinning, Christian jokes, "One day I'll be a real boy." At the shocked look on Ana's face, he asks, "Okay, baby?"

Shaking her head a little to clear her thoughts, Ana says, "Just had a really vivid image of you playing with our son."

"A son, huh? And is he a ginger, too?"

Thrilled that he's already able to discuss it, Ana smilingly says, "Of course. He's also smart and talented and gives his Mom a hard time because he knows that she secretly loves it."

They smile at each other for a while, and then Christian says, "All right; time for sleep."

"Yes, Sir."

A softly growled "Ana," makes her giggle again, and he says, "Just go to sleep, Adorable Ana. You can torture me again tomorrow."

Ana only smiles at this. Suddenly sitting bolt upright, holding out a reassuring hand when Christian immediately looks worried, she asks, "Do you want to see a picture of our baby?"

"A picture?"

"Ultrasound; internal ultrasound. She used a wand thingy that...it was embarrassing."

"I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault. It's the only way to see what's going on at this stage."

Smiling a little that she's misunderstood, Christian says, "I'm sorry, because you wouldn't have had to go through that alone if you weren't positive that the news would freak me out. And, yes, I'd love to see our baby, thank you."

"My handbag." Thanking him when Christian fetches her bag, rather than fossicking through it, Ana retrieves the printout and passes it to him. She knows that he's correct to continue with her plan when lingering fear of his reaction causes the slight tremor in her hands. Ignoring it, she explains, "The arrow shows which blob is ours."

Of course, Christian glances at the photo and then looks at her in confusion, asking, "That dot is our baby?"

Laughing at his comical expression; a mixture of surprise and mild disappointment, Ana says, "He's only five weeks old, darling. He'll get bigger."

Christian's expression relaxes into amusement and he says, "I certainly hope so. You're sure it's a boy, then?"

Ana shrugs and says, "I guess so. Though I won't mind either way. What about you?"

After considering for a moment, Christian says, "Boy is slightly less terrifying, only because I've been one." Glancing up to gift her with a smile that dispels all her fear, he adds, "Though a little blue-eyed girl sounds appealing, too."

The fact that he's now contemplating children as something to smile about means that Ana's eyes are once again burning with the beginning of tears. But she contains them and says, "Thank you, darling."

Christian nods his understanding and cautions, "Light going on." When Ana has shielded her eyes from the shock, he turns on a lamp and records the portrait with his Blackberry, then returns the photo, saying, "And, thank you. I'm sure to have pleasant dreams now."

When Ana lies down with one hand on top of the covers in silent plea, Christian nods once, turns off the light, and brings the chair even closer so that they can hold hands as she falls asleep. However, only minutes later, it's Ana who smiles at her peacefully sleeping husband. Finally, truly confident that they'll be okay, she gradually falls asleep to dream of a cricket singing "When You Wish Upon a Star."

When the first thing Ana sees, on waking, is a small wrapped gift on the armchair by her bed, she knows that Christian has left for Portland. Saddened that she won't get to have breakfast with him, she nevertheless smiles, remembering that they're once again focused on a common goal. Cautiously sitting up, because her stomach is already rebelling against the idea of starting another day, she bothers with a drink of water and a salted cracker before opening the card, which reads, "Just a little something to remind you that I want this, too. Grateful husband and proud father, Christian Grey."

Inside is an exquisite antique teardrop pendant and earrings; a light-blue gemstone surrounded by tiny diamonds and mounted in a lustrous silver metal. A tiny description explains that the stone is aquamarine, the birthstone of March; the due date of their baby. With trembling fingers, Ana texts Christian, "BASTARD…I'm crying again!"

She can imagine him smiling when he soon replies with, "You're always crying. Please look after yourself today? You're not only precious to me, but you're carrying something precious, too."

It's too much. She actually calls him to blubber, "How is that meant to stop me crying?"

Christian chuckles and says, "Good morning, baby. I'm glad you slept. And I'm sorry to make you cry. But I mean it, okay? I won't be there to nag you."

Calming down at the sound of his voice, Ana wipes a hand over her eyes and says, "I will, I promise."

"And you'll tell me what the doctor says?"

At first confused, Ana remembers that she has that appointment with Christian's chosen headache expert today, and says, "I will. You're still happy to stick to the plan?"

He laughs again and says, "I'll never be happy sleeping away from you. But I'm content to proceed. Oh, hey, I even worked out why you insisted that I curb my language; practice for when the kids are old enough to understand, right?"

Thrilled, Ana laughs for pure joy and says, "Yes. Now you understand, we can relax that rule, if you'd like? I just wanted you to be aware of it."

Christian is quiet for a second, then says, "How about we reserve profanities for private moments?"

Ana smiles at his formal description and says, "Okay. Then fuck you, Grey. Because of your generosity, I'll go to work with puffy eyes again."

Christian laughs and says, "Fuck you, too. Because of your lusciousness, I have to attend a meeting with a hard-on…again."

Not very concerned, now that they're back on track, Ana asks, "Do you think we'll be able to last ten days?"

"I do. But only because I'm again in charge. Have you read yet about increased libido during early pregnancy?"

Ana smiles and says, "Yes. But you're forgetting that my hormones have been a factor all this time, so it won't actually change much."

"Oh, right. I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that you've been pregnant all this time. Explains why you eat more nowadays, and why you're often tired…probably even explains the headaches. How's the nausea this morning?"

"Not too bad. I'm staying in bed until it settles down. Thank you, for the mini bar. That was a lovely surprise."

In a quiet tone, that nevertheless carries great conviction, Christian promises, "You will have what you need, Ana. That would have been the case even if you'd left me."

"I believe you. I think I can move now, and my bladder demands attention."

Laughter is evident in his voice when Christian asks, "Not going to stay on the line while you pee?"

She knows that he'll be laughing when she suddenly hangs up the phone.

Where credit's due: "To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." - George MacDonald

Carlo Collodi and the Disney Corporation, for Pinocchio.