Chapter Twenty-two

When Ana next wakes, she's being carried. Instinctively recognizing Christian, she automatically snuggles closer to his t-shirted chest and mumbles, "I'm sorry."

Kissing the top of her hair, Christian says, "It's okay, baby. I didn't mean to fall asleep like that. I'm glad you woke me."

"No, I'm sorry for not trusting you."

As they enter the bedroom, he asks, "Are you awake, baby?"

Fatigue dragging at her, Ana manages, "Uh, huh."

Putting Ana gently on her feet, he removes her robe and pulls back the bed covers, motioning that she should get in, then tucks her in as he says, "Sleep now. We'll discuss this in the morning."

Too sleepy to consider the effect it might have on him, Ana says, "I had a nightmare and you weren't here."

Christian cringes at the unintentional accusation and says, "I'm sorry, baby. I couldn't sleep. I'll make sure I've got something in here to do in case that happens again."

As he moves around to his side of the bed and joins her, Ana confesses, "I saw your apology."

Tensing, Christian says, "You weren't meant to."

Moving into his arms, grateful that he readily accepts her, Ana says, "I know. I'm sorry. You made me cry again."

"Happy tears?"

"Happy, ecstatic, relieved, grateful, proud…you're amazing."

Finally relaxing, Christian asks, "I am?"

Reassured by his amused tone, Ana says, "Uh, huh. Most of the time I have to fight the urge to just bow down to you."

Christian chuckles and says, "Okay, now I know you're not really awake, because you appear to fight that urge extremely well."

Lifting her head to look at him, Ana says, "No, it's true. I told you; people don't realize what a struggle you overcome every single day. I'm proud to be your wife."

Obviously still uncomfortable with praise, even from Ana, Christian squirms and says, "Even though I'm almost certainly going to fuck up again at some point?"

"Even so. I get things wrong, too. I think you mostly don't notice that, because you still spend too much time hating yourself. I'm awake now. Can we talk about the fact that I've been failing to trust you?"

She can see that he's curious. But Christian eventually says, "No. You need sleep. We'll have some time before our appointment with Renner. Just close your eyes."

"You'll be here when I wake up?"

Already caressing those calming circles on her back, nature's sedative, Christian promises, "I will."

It's morning when Ana next opens her eyes, to see Christian sitting up in bed, furiously but quietly tapping away at his Blackberry with both thumbs. Stretching the sleep from her limbs, cautiously enough not to jostle her uneasy stomach, she says, "You're working already, aren't you?"

Barely glancing at her, he tersely reveals, "In a manner of speaking. About ninety minutes before we have to leave." Then concluding whatever he was doing, Christian puts the phone aside and more cheerfully says, "Morning, baby. How are you feeling?"

"Nauseous, but no headache or any other symptoms."

Christian practically leaps out of bed and comes around to her side, sliding the water and crackers closer as he says, "The bar fridge will be in here by this evening. There wasn't enough time to transfer it last night."

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but could you please not move so fast? You're making it worse."

Christian chuckles and says, "Sorry, baby. I guess I'm still trying to make up for being an ass."

Then remembering his written apology to their unborn child, Ana understands that he honestly needs to make amends, and her misguided compassion had denied him that relief; effectively punishing him when she'd resolved not to, so she grins and says, "Think your guilt might extend to fetching my breakfast?"

Clearly pleased with the idea, Christian smiles his gratitude and says, "Absolutely. The oatmeal working for you?"

"Yes, thank you."

Leaning closer for a kiss, Christian then straightens and says, "I'll eat in the kitchen. My research indicates that even the smell of some foods will make you feel worse. We can test which ones when we've got more time."

"Okay. Thank you."

Confident that his attentiveness will gradually lessen as his guilt eases, Ana is nevertheless glad for some alone time. After visiting the bathroom, and spending too long deciding which outfit is appropriate for someone's first visit to an oncologist, she's back in bed when Christian returns with the breakfast tray. After making sure that she's comfortable, he asks, "Need anything else?"

Reaching out a hand to touch the single, red rose, not an addition that Gail has ever bothered with, Ana sincerely says, "No. Thank you. I have everything I need."

Satisfied with that reaction, Christian smiles and again kisses her, then says, "I'm gonna work out for a bit." Suddenly appearing nervous, he reveals a small device attached to a neck strap, about the size of a large key remote, and asks, "You know what this is?"

"A panic button? I really don't think that's necessary, darling. I feel fine."

"Now; yes. But the tumor will get bigger, and not even Renner will be able to tell us exactly what new symptoms will first appear. You might have a stroke or seizure; fall and be unable to get up. You won't have to wear it outside, as you've agreed to keep one of our team nearby at all times. But this is a big apartment, and our house is even bigger. I don't want to one day enter the library to find a copy of Great Expectations beside your unconscious body."

Guessing what an effort it is for Christian to appear jovial when contemplating such a scenario, Ana smiles and jokes, "You don't have one; your library is almost exclusively of American authors." Putting the tray aside and patting the bed beside her, she continues, "I need to talk to you."

"Your oatmeal."

"Is still steaming. Please, Christian. It won't take very long." When he sits down, Ana asks, "Remember last night when I apologized for not trusting you?"

"I'm surprised you do. But, yes."

When he then only waits for an explanation, Ana takes a deep breath and then says, "I'm going to tell you what I need. Try not to feel this as pressure, because it really has nothing to do with you, other than to set up the rest of the conversation, okay?"

Immediately wary, Christian swallows and agrees, "Okay."

"I need to know that, if this baby is born with any defects, it was an act of God and therefore unavoidable, not because either of us fucked up. If I was in this alone, I'd gladly give my life to ensure they're born healthy, but I'm not alone, and I couldn't do that to you." At the first scary hurdle in this new aspect of her plan, Ana again needs a breath before continuing, "So I'll settle for risking my life. Can you cope with this?"

His eyes wide with fear, Christian gives it serious thought and then says, "You're talking about medication. You want to delay the chemo."

"I've not yet got that specific, because I don't have enough information. But along those lines, yes."

"Fuck. Give me a minute." Leaning forward to put his head in his hands,Christian stays like that for quite a while – his body heaving as he apparently struggles to get enough oxygen – then clenches fistfuls of his hair for a few seconds, and finally sits up to weakly promise, "Okay."

Resisting the urge to offer the comfort of her arms, somehow sensing that it wouldn't help him right now, Ana is struggling with her own emotions when she nervously asks, "Just 'okay'?"

Taking a deep, trembling breath, Christian explains, "Okay; I understand that you would feel an unbearable burden of guilt if you put your welfare above that of even an embryo. I can't quite be there with you, because, though I do care about our baby, I unashamedly care more about you; I know you don't hold that against me. But I can empathize enough to comprehend your meaning. And I know that there's not a damn thing I can do about it anyway. So…okay."

Concerned that he seems so upset, Ana again chooses trust, saying, "Well, that's why I'm explaining this to you; I want to give you control. I said so anyway, but hadn't really felt it until I read your apology…oh, can you please send that to me? It's beautiful, and I really think it will help when things get tough. You know they will, right?"

It's almost a cry when Christian says, "Yeah, I know." Running a hand through his hair while he composes himself, he then asks, "What do mean by 'control'? Do you mean of your treatment?"

"Exactly; and more. I've agreed that you can make decisions about the baby's safety. But I think we both knew it was only words; that, when you inevitably made a decision that chose me over the baby, I'd veto it. But you need control, Christian. I really get that now. And I trust you. I haven't been able to until now; not completely…partly because I'm so young, I guess. And, as you pointed out, we're still learning things about each other. But also because your anxiety is somehow sort of contagious, making me nervous about telling you stuff that even might upset you. Last night I finally understood what we both need; you making the tough choices. Things work better between us when we have that. So that's what I want."

Christian studies her for a while, then observes, "You're afraid."

A stutter of a nervous laugh erupting from her, Ana counters, "Terrified."

"But you're serious. You really intend to trust me with this."

The fact that he hasn't made it a question allays her fears somewhat, and Ana manages a genuine smile when she says, "Darling, I already am."

Shaking his head, Christian says, "I can't…I don't even know how I feel about this."

Despite having made her decision, Ana still feels apprehensive enough to ask, "Can you explain what you are feeling?"

After a moment, Christian explains, "Scared, of course. I'm worried that I'll fuck it up again. But also...lighter, I guess. It's as if something that was…like a heavy boulder was resting inside me, but now it's kind of rising up; lighter than air." Suddenly breaking out in a boyish grin, he says, "Sounds like a good thing."

Finally at peace with her decision, Ana smiles and says, "It does. Do you still need the work out?"

"How did you know I needed…? Never mind; you clearly know me better than I do. No, I don't." Suddenly standing, Christian says, "But I'd better do some more research before our appointment." Putting the tray back on Ana's lap, he continues, "Eat. Find me when you're ready to go. And, wear that fucking panic button or I'll come up with a punishment that will ensure you never forget."

Unconcerned, Ana smiles at his sudden good mood and says, "I haven't yet agreed to resume discipline."

In the tone that makes even her cells stand to attention, Christian says, "Yes, you have. You've just given me full autonomy where the baby's welfare is concerned. Your stress levels affect the baby, and submitting to discipline lowers your stress, so we're resuming as of now. Now, eat your bland breakfast and get ready for our appointment."

Despite being confident that she'd been doing the right thing, for all three of them, Ana only feels the rightness of it in that moment. With all her complicated feelings for her husband evident in her quiet voice and modest gaze, she vows, "Yes, Sir."

Bending down to again kiss her, Christian pauses with his face close to hers and asks, "Remind me again what I did to deserve you in my life?"

They've discussed it before, but Ana doesn't mind doing so again, and smiles as she obliges, "You helped me up."

Carl Renner, an older man with whitening blonde hair and piercing, blue eyes, greets them both and motions that they should sit, also doing so as he says, "Thanks, for coming in. As I explained, this is just to discuss your options. Nothing needs to be done today. McKay tells me that you're both intelligent, educated people." Then nodding to Christian he adds, "And we've already spoken about your wish to continue with the pregnancy. So I presume you have some idea what sort of treatment plan you'd like to proceed with?"

Any trace of doubt that Christian might be harboring about now being the one on the spot when it comes to his family's welfare is confined to a darted glance towards his wife before he succinctly says, "We do. Unless you think it's a very bad idea, we'd like to limit treatment to constant monitoring of Ana and the baby's condition, for as long as possible; certainly until the second trimester. Of course, if something changes, we'll have to come up with a different plan."

Tapping away at the laptop on his desk, Renner nods his head, saying, "Uh, huh; we can do that. To that end, I'd like to do another MRI tomorrow afternoon, so we can get a definitive idea of the tumor's growth rate. Assuming it continues to grow at this slow rate, and it might not, I think there is little risk involved in limiting your therapy to analgesics for the headaches." Then looking at Ana, he asks, "How are they, currently?"

"Fine, if I sleep on my left side. I woke up with one in the middle of the night. But it quickly disappeared and I was okay this morning, other than morning sickness."

His tone mildly accusatory, Christian says, "You didn't tell me that last night."

With a shrug, considering that she's been putting up with the pain for months, Ana simply says, "I didn't think it was important."

Renner intercedes at that point to say, "I disagree. Have you heard the Frog Soup analogy, Mrs. Grey?" At her nod, he continues, "Other than bi-monthly scans, I'd like you to keep a health diary; document the intensity of any pain or nausea, as all your symptoms so far could have been explained by the pregnancy alone, but will only worsen if they're caused by the tumor. With that information at hand we'll know right away if things are escalating, even if it doesn't feel like it." With a smile, he then says, "And it'll be something nice to look back on one day with your child."

Incredibly grateful to have an understanding, optimistic oncologist, Ana finally relaxes and says, "Thank you. So, you agree with our plan?"

"I do. As mentioned, things could change and we'll have to revise at that point. But there are all sorts of options before needing aggressive treatment for a tumor so small, and that appears to be benign; anti-inflammatories and anticonvulsants can help reduce the tumor's size without risking the baby. For now, one of the best things you can do is look after your health, so your body can aide us in this fight. I'll send you home with yet more information." With a grin, he says, "I'm sure you've been bombarded already, but I also suspect that you can cope." Then gesturing to their joined hands, he concludes, "And that's a very good sign. The threat of cancer, under any circumstances, can put a huge strain on a relationship. Even more so when the welfare of a baby is a consideration. But the two of you are obviously cooperating, and that will help a lot. Do you have any questions at this stage?"

It's Christian who asks, "You'll send us links that will be helpful?"

"Yes. I've also spoken to Dr. Greene. She also recommended postponing treatment, and will keep me apprised of your baby's health." When they say nothing, he asks, "That's it?"

Christian and Ana glance at each other, and then he says, "That's it. Unless, like Ana, you believe in prayer?"

Renner smiles and says, "I'm afraid not. But I will be hoping for the best. I won't see you tomorrow, but I'll get the results of your scan and let you know what it means; probably nothing at this stage. If you're concerned about anything, call my office." To Ana, he says, "I recommend you acquire and wear a medical alert bracelet. Most likely the first sign we'll have that the tumor has significantly grown is a tingling in your left arm or you'll suddenly mix up your words. But, as I'm sure you're aware, these things are difficult to predict, so you could simply pass out, and you'll want the medical technicians to know why."

Ana merely nods her understanding, but Christian says, "That's a good idea, thank you."

Renner then smiles at him and says, "It's best on the left wrist, as that's most likely where a right-handed person would check the pulse." With another lull in conversation, he continues, "Well, I'll be in contact, including sending you all that information. And you won't actually see me until something changes, okay?"

Standing, momentarily releasing Ana, Christian shakes the older man's hand as he cheerfully says, "Then I hope we don't see you for a very long time."

Snuggled against Christian, in the back seat of the SUV, Ana doesn't at first know what the noise is. Looking up, she sees that the front of Grey Publishing is now a temporary home for apparently most of Seattle's media. Her heart is beating faster at this new development as Christian angrily explains, "I'm sorry, baby. But someone snapped a photo of us going into McKay's office, and apparently offered it to the highest bidder, sparking media interest. All they were able to find out is that you're a patient of his, but they'll keep digging."

Guessing, Ana says, "Oh, that's what you were doing at dawn this morning?"

Relaxing a little when she doesn't seem upset, Christian confirms, "Yes. I'll try and keep a lid on it, but we already know how determined they can be. You okay?"

"I suspect that I'll have a very angry Kate Kavanagh to deal with if she sees the news report before I call her. But other than that, I'm fine."

Christian chuckles and says, "Good luck with that. We'd better break our good and bad news to the rest of our friends and family, too." With a shrug, he continues, "I know you're supposed to wait before announcing a pregnancy, but I don't want them to find out from some stranger."

"How about we invite everyone over for dinner soon? It might help them if they can see that I'm okay."

"Good plan. I'll set it up." After a moment, he continues, "I think this could work."

"You being in control? You feel better?"

"I do. Just knowing that I can make decisions for us means that I'm more relaxed, about everything. And I haven't yet needed medication today."

Amazed that her decision to relinquish control is already having a positive effect, Ana beams her gratitude and says, "I'm glad my Christian is back."

As they enter the secure parking garage beneath the building, Christian kisses her, then quietly promises, "You won't be tonight. I owe you retroactive punishment."

Her body tingling in anticipation of an evening of play, Ana cheerfully argues, "Ex post facto is considered unconstitutional in the United States."

First kissing that spot behind her ear, in the way that takes her breath away, Christian vows, "Not even the constitution will save you tonight, my love."

Practically melting, Ana says, "No fair, Grey. I have to work."

Suddenly serious, he says, "No, you don't."

It's the first test, and Ana knows it, so her heart is pounding for a different reason as she asks, "Are you forbidding me?"

Christian's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and he studies her face as he gives it serious thought, then says, "You really mean it; you trust me now…completely."

Relieved that he's beginning to understand, Ana is still nervous enough that she can only manage, "Yes."

As the car comes to a halt by the service elevator, Christian considers the matter for a few more seconds, then says, "No, I'm not. You enjoy your job and your health is currently good enough that it won't prove too much of a burden for you. But I will miss you and worry about you until you return home tonight; on time."

Everything in her relaxing at this sign that she's right to put her faith in Christian, she nevertheless can't resist teasing, "Maybe."

As Ryan opens Ana's door, Christian shakes his head at her cheekiness, then unclips her belt and hauls her onto his lap to ask, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Her arms behind his neck, and an utterly content smile on her lips, Ana suggests, "Almost as much as I love you?"

They're too lost in the kiss to see Ryan give Taylor a thumbs-up.