Painfully honest
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Pinegrew Manor – 23rd of December
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Looking a bit depressed, Harry entered the breakfast room the next morning. He didn't sleep much during the night; and although not troubled by real nightmares, his sleep still had been very uneasy and full of gloomy thoughts.
"Morning," his voice was only a croaky whisper, and he hastily avoided the gazes of Hermione, Neville and Daphne who were already sitting at the table.
The silence was oppressive. Daphne never looked up, Hermione's expression was a mix of disappointment and grief and Neville simply glared at him. Glaring? Really? It wasn't his fault that Roxanne told him the truth last night – that truth.
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The evening before
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"Harry… Daphne… I would like to speak with you about something. There is something you should know…"
Quickly, Hermione and Neville left the room to allow them some privacy. Slightly pale, Roxanne nodded gratefully and took a seat not far away from Harry and Daphne. Several times she started to speak only to stop herself instantly. Apparently she was trying to make up a speech, without ever convincing herself that it would be good enough.
"Spit it!" Harry ushered with a small smile. He tried to appear relaxed, but Roxanne's behaviour had quite the opposite effect on him. "It can't be that bad."
"You know only half of it," Roxanne sighed. "Well, let's start." She showed a very forced smile and then began to tell them a story, the story of a contract.
"You should have told me."
Harry's voice was seething with rage. Roxanne nodded weakly: "Yes, I should have… perhaps. I don't know; I really don't." She sighed exhausted. "Would it have been better to tell you before? Before you two had a chance to get to know each other? I didn't want this contract to hang over you like a sword while you tried to build up a friendship. I hoped it would be easier to explain and understand if you knew and trusted each other already."
Harry still glared at her, trying to control his temper. It was Daphne who broke the silence:
"So let me get this clear: There was this marriage contract for James Potter and you. Our grandfathers expected you both to marry after school. And to allow you to overrule this contract, you…"
"You sold us," Harry grated his teeth.
"No," Roxanne shook her head. "It wasn't meant… like this." She sighed again. "Listen: It wasn't the same. Your father loved your mother very much, Harry. He would have obeyed but… it would have broken him, I'm convinced. We hoped to avoid this, to delay the inevitable and perhaps find a better solution."
"And so you decided that it was time for a new contract, one that will force Harry and me to marry." The disappointment in Daphne's voice was unmistakable, and it hurt Harry a bit. He had spent the whole day pondering about how to ask her 'do you want to be my girlfriend'. And now she reacted like the thought of marrying him was outrageous.
But isn't this the same with me? Harry mused. No, he answered his own question. I only don't want to be forced to do it. And it is way too early to think about any of this. Perhaps she is feeling the same.
Roxanne put two copies of the contract's second part on the table in front of Harry and Daphne. She pointed towards a part of it.
"You aren't forced to marry. It strongly… suggests… such a marriage, but you aren't forced," Roxanne said.
Both read the part in mumbling silence, looking only the more confused afterwards. "I don't understand the meaning of this," Harry mumbled.
"Your grandfathers wanted this marriage, yes. But they learned – at least a bit – from the experience with James and me. They allowed a loophole. If you won't do anything about it, you have to marry after Daphne turns seventeen and before Harry turns twenty-one. But: If you both decline this wish, you have the possibility to do so. You both have to be at least seventeen to do so and you both have to declare that you don't want this marriage."
"So we really don't have to marry?" he asked.
"No," Roxanne nodded sadly. "After the past months I would like very much to see you being close friends, a pair hopefully, and perhaps someday even a married couple. I think you would do wonderful together. But you don't have to. However you should really try to get to know each other and trust each other. As I said: you BOTH have to declare that you don't want to marry. And then there is the last article."
She pointed towards it: "If you decline the marriage, then you're only allowed to marry another person with the consent of the other one. So Daphne would have to ask Harry for permission and vice versa. You certainly understand that it would be easier if you're at least friendly to each other for that to happen."
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"Would you have told me about this without Sirius visiting you?" Harry asked after a while, a bit calmed down again.
"I would have," Roxanne nodded. "but later… I would have allowed both of you to grow up and, after turning seventeen and leaving school, I would have asked you. I would have expected you both to be against such a marriage, not knowing each other. We would have settled the papers and gone our ways again."
Roxanne stared intensely at her godson, hoping that he would understand her reasons. "I wanted you to know this before we go to the Ministry. I should have told you before we went there today. But I… I was afraid, afraid that you would say no to the adoption, say no to living with us. I really like you Harry. I love you as a son and I'm sure that my mother and Daphne share my feelings. We all would love to have you here with us."
"Then why haven't you been there before? Why did you allow Dumbledore to take me to the Dursleys?"
Roxanne saw the hurt in his eyes, the disappointment and the betrayal. She understood why he felt that way but she had her reasons, back then. "It was a very difficult time. He was dead, but many of his followers still lived. They would have loved to kill you… you, a baby. My husband wasn't a Death Eater, but he was friends with many of them, especially Lucius. I couldn't trust him with your life. And then there were my own children. Daphne was there and Astoria on the way. I'm sorry, Harry, but I was young and I wanted to protect my children.
And then Dumbledore told me about Sirius' betrayal. We now know that we had been wrong, but back then it only showed that we couldn't trust anyone. If even Sirius could betray your parents, whom could I trust? Dumbledore decided that you would live with your Aunt. He explained that you would be secure there; that there would be wards to protect you against Him and his followers; and that even Lucius wouldn't find you. And I know that they searched for you. They were searching when they tortured the Longbottoms and they were searching when Cyrus tried to pump me for information. I really thought that this would be the most secure way."
"You could have looked. You could have visited me, see how I was treated. Perhaps I've been secure there, but never happy!" Harry whispered furiously.
"I now know, Harry," Roxanne said near tears. "I trusted Dumbledore when he said that you would have a real family. His reasoning, that it would be good for you to live in the Muggle world for a while, was convincing. Nobody would be looking for you in the Muggle world. And why should I question the love of your Aunt? Later, when you came to Hogwarts, there was Draco Malfoy and the planned engagement first to Daphne, then to Astoria. You have to know that Cyrus never knew about this contract – he still doesn't know – so he planned to engage Daphne to Draco. Before I had a chance to explain, Daphne made it quite clear what she thought about the matter. I hesitated too long, I didn't know…
Harry, I'm really sorry about what happened and how I acted. Please forgive me, that – out of fear for my children and out of trust for Dumbledore – I betrayed the trust of your parents. I want to amend for what I've done. I never expected that your Aunt would be like this."
"Did you know her?"
"Your Aunt? Yes. Your Uncle? No. I met Petunia a few times and my memories make it very hard to understand that she could treat you like this, like a personal house elf, and an unloved to add." Roxanne sighed deeply and blew her nose. "Petunia loved your mother very much." Harry snorted unbelievingly, but Roxanne nodded forcefully. "She really did. You should have seen her at your mum's funeral. She was broken, devastated. I know that Lily and Petunia had some serious arguments, but she never ceased to love her. I assume that Petunia felt a bit betrayed and deserted as Lily went to Hogwarts alone. Did you know that Petunia wanted to be there too? Your mother told me once that Petunia wrote Dumbledore a letter to join her there."
Petunia? At Hogwarts? Harry stared at her with wide eyes. Unbelievable, unacceptable.
"And then your grandparents were killed. Petunia put the blame on Lily, and your mother accepted the accusation. You know, Harry," Roxanne continued with a small smile "This tendency to accept the blame for anything bad that happens, you inherited it from your mother… certainly not your father." For a moment Harry glared at her, but before he could ask, Roxanne continued. "Perhaps Petunia blamed you for your mother's death. It would be wrong but understandable. Your mother had been her last family; to lose her was quite a stroke for Petunia. And with a pig like your Uncle as a husband it certainly came relatively easy to her to punish you for her loss. I really don't condemn what she did – it was completely inexcusable. But I can only try to understand how she could have changed like that. She really should have loved you."
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Present
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How long had he been sitting here in silence? Harry mused, startled as a chair scraped over the floor. How long had they… how long had Daphne waited for a reaction, any reaction?
"Excuse me," Daphne whispered as she left her seat. She started to walk towards the exit, getting faster with every step. The glares of Hermione and Neville increased tenfold.
Hundreds of thoughts raced through Harry's mind as he watched his friend… his girlfriend?… fleeing him. Certainly she had interpreted his silence in a wrong way, that he was angry with her as well as with her mother. But she erred in her assumption, oh how much she erred.
He had thought at lot about the last evening. But it revolved much more around what Roxanne said about his parents, Petunia, Sirius and Dumbledore than about the contract. The point of the contract had long been checked off in his mind. Yes, he had been angry. Yes, he would have liked to learn about it earlier. And even more he would have preferred that their parents and grandparents had never agreed to such a stupidity.
But she had told him. And they left a loophole. Roxanne's reasoning about getting to know each other had been understandable. He trusted Daphne now… their relation had changed so much since the summer. They would find a solution. He had no idea if he wanted to marry her later, but he had several years to find out. And he was certainly not angry towards her.
The waves of her hurt that flooded the room prompted Harry to react at last. He ran after her, reaching her as she tried to open the door. He was shocked when he saw tears running down her face. She tried to suppress her sobs, to force the door open against his grip. Without a word Harry embraced her, hugged her heartily. For a while she resisted, mumbling something incomprehensible. Then, from one moment to the next, she let go all resistance and melted into his arms. A bit awkwardly, Harry started to pat her back. At least Hermione and Neville stopped glaring now. Hermione's expression softened immensely and Neville nodded approvingly.
"I don't want… I don't want this to change anything between us." Harry whispered softly in Daphne's ear. "I don't regret the kisses after the Ball. And yesterday I… I wanted to ask you… if you would like to be my girlfriend." Daphne tensed for a moment and Harry continued to pat her, dragging her even closer. "I only wasn't able to muster enough courage to ask you. And after the conversation I wasn't sure… how you would…"
"Yes."
Harry loosened his embrace and stepped back: "Yes?"
"Yes," Daphne showed a small smile, hastily trying to brush away the tears. Harry stopped her and pulled a hankie, cleaning her face gently. "You really mean it? But what about the contract," Daphne whispered.
Harry stored his hankie away and gently cupped Daphne's cheek: "We'll find a way. In three years we'll see if you still think that this… this girlfriend thing… is still a good decision of yours and continue from there."
"Okay," Daphne whispered. Suddenly she smiled: "You apparently spent enough time with Hermione in the past."
"Why's that?" Harry asked, a bit confused.
"Because you're starting to have some wonderful and reasonable ideas," his girlfriend smiled. His girlfriend, Harry thought with a drove of butterflies in his stomach.
"You know, I have wonderful and reasonable ideas all on my own from time to time," Harry pouted.
"You know," Hermione suddenly quipped, her presence long forgotten by the young couple "after you asking her and Daphne saying yes, the third step should be a kiss, Harry."
Harry blushed deeply and shot death glares in Hermione's direction.
"See," Daphne laughed sweetly: "Wonderful and reasonable ideas."
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The evening before
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"And my father," Harry asked unexpectedly. "How did Petunia feel about him?"
Roxanne sighed and looked uneasy at Harry. "Harry… your father," she hesitated. "Your father was a bit difficult to have around. In the beginning he was… no, there isn't a polite way to say it; I fear… he was a real prat. Until around his sixteenth birthday it wasn't easy to like him, neither for me nor your mother, and certainly not Petunia. Thankfully, she only met him a few times and he didn't make a good impression. I'm convinced that Petunia thought of him as a bad influence on Lily and despised the idea of them being a couple. With you looking quite like him, I assume that she transferred some of her antipathy on you… like others did too."
"Like Snape," Harry sneered.
"Yes, like Severus," Roxanne agreed. "I heard about it and how he treats you is certainly not appropriate. No, that's too feeble: His behaviour was, and is, disgusting and totally unprofessional. But you have to understand that he had his reasons to hate your father, nearly as much as he hates Sirius."
Harry glared at her. How could she belittle the remembrance of his father, and say something like that about his godfather? Sirius had been the one to send her to Privet Drive to rescue him.
"Harry, you adore your father and Sirius. You love your father and godfather and this is right and justified. But you have to understand that everybody changes in the course of his life. We mature, we experience, we learn. James and Sirius had been careless, reckless and arrogant in their youth. They were extremely intelligent and talented, and they knew it. They had no qualms about playing pranks on everybody and showing off at every opportunity.
If you don't believe me," she continued "think about this : James tried to be Lily's boyfriend since their third year. Why did she say no every time, why did she decline every invitation to Hogsmeade, and why did she only agree in their last year, after four years of courting?"
Both stayed silent for some time before Harry whispered: "Because he matured?"
"Exactly," Roxanne agreed. "He matured. Somehow – I don't know exactly when and what was the trigger for the change – he started to see that Lily wanted a more mature friend, someone who was willing and able to learn, to be compassionate, to accept responsibilities. James changed, and he changed enough that at the end of our school years I more than once regretted to agree not to marry him. Yes, Harry, in the end I loved your father. Perhaps I wasn't really in love, but certainly I loved him. He was intelligent, charming and dashy. And he loved your mother and you with all his heart. I'm sure that your mother's last two years were filled with luck and happiness around him. At the end he was that man you imagine, that man you love and adore, but he wasn't always that way."
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"Do I resemble him?" Harry asked hesitantly.
"In a way, yes. And I neither mean your looks, nor your talent to fly. You are certainly often too reckless, too inconsiderate in your actions, and prone to acting instead of thinking or asking for help. But there are sides in you that remind me of your mother even more. And I don't only mean that you're better at Charms – Lily's strength – than at Transfiguration – which had always been James' favourite. You are willing to listen to your friends, and to reason. You have this compassionate side in you that drive you and, like your mother, you sorely lack any hurtful tendency. I'm quite certain that you wouldn't willingly hurt someone and should you do it accidently, you would feel badly afterwards.
That had been one of the Marauders' gravest faults in the first years. While they were a close bunch of friends and did some adorable things together – especially by helping Remus – they didn't behave like that to everyone else. You may think it to be funny when someone is pranked, you may think that this someone deserved it. But do you really assume that the target of the prank feels the same? How would you feel about someone who constantly harassed you, pranked you and embarrassed you?
The Marauders loved to prank the Slytherins. They were very inventive at that and seldom had to face severe repercussions. An evening of detention is not enough, at least not in the eyes of a prank's target who has to face embarrassment perhaps for weeks. And it certainly didn't teach Sirius and James that it is sometimes simply wrong to behave like this.
Even Minerva had a soft spot for them. She was never like Severus in her favouritism, but like most teachers she tended to listen more to the Gryffindor side, tended to assume the worse from Slytherins. Yes, often it was founded – the Slytherins are certainly not a bunch of daisies – but in the long run it is disheartening when every teacher first assumes that you're the culprit only because of the house you're in. And Dumbledore always preferred the Marauders. Sometimes he even overruled Minerva's harsher punishments. Perhaps he relived his own youth through them, felt young again. This preference even went so far…"
Roxanne stopped midsentence. Harry waited for a while before he urged: "So far…"
"I… I don't know if I should tell you. It is about your father but especially Sirius and Severus. It is not my place to tell you… perhaps you should ask Sirius about it… about the Shrieking Shack incident."
"Would he tell me the truth about it?"
"Perhaps not," Roxanne sighed. "He was the culprit and it isn't easy to live with that kind of guilt, to accept it – especially as he never learned to accept responsibility for his deeds."
"Wow, wow, wow," Harry stopped her. "Have you forgotten? Twelve years in Azkaban… he certainly…"
"No," Roxanne interrupted him. "Azkaban was an awful error, but it wasn't the consequence of what he did. He landed there because of Pettigrew's betrayal. He more than paid for everything he ever did through these twelve years, for every small crime, every prank and every insult. But they did nothing to let him grow up. He always had the excuse: I'm here because of a betrayal.
Sirius never had to accept the consequences of his pranks, his reckless deeds or his irresponsible behaviour towards girls. You know, in the simple way of child's and pet's rearing: Do something and receive immediate punishment; connect deed and punishment. And more important: get explained what you did wrong and why it had been wrong. These twelve years he was not a free adult, these twelve years he did not have the chance to interact with other adults, they denied him the chance to really grow up.
I fear that he still is unable to see the error of his actions back then. I'm certain that he never apologized to Severus. Perhaps he apologized to Remus, but never to Severus. The last time he still called him Snivellus. I'm sure that he would be a fabulous big brother in the way the Weasley twins are now, but he isn't father material… not yet."
"My parents thought otherwise."
"No, they didn't… or only in parts. Your father… yes. Sirius was his closest friend and in good standing with James' parents. But your mother never wanted him to rear you. She would have preferred you to grow up at Longbottom Manor with Neville as your brother."
She couldn't be right in her judgment of Sirius, could she? His heart rebelled against the idea of Sirius doing anything wrong. He called him Snivellus. That was funny, wasn't it? Snape deserved any prank played on him. But then…
"What did he do to him?"
Roxanne looked thoughtfully at him. It wasn't her place, but he deserved to know, deserved to understand.
"Okay, I will tell you. But promise me that you will ask Sirius, and allow him to tell you his side of the matter. I certainly don't know all sides and points about that incident. I only want to prompt you to think about it, to think about both sides and realize that every action and behaviour has more than one cause. It is seldom so simple."
Harry agreed and Roxanne continued: "Severus had a bad home. I don't want to tell you more about it but it was really bad, even compared to your living with the Dursleys. He had only one friend… Lily."
"He was friends with my mom?"
"Yes, even years before they met James and Sirius, Lily and Severus were friends. They were very close, as far as I know. But that changed when they reached Hogwarts. Lily became a Gryffindor and Severus a Slytherin. Both had friends in their houses. In Severus' case they were more like companions or allies than friends, as is custom with the Slytherins. Both sides tried to separate them, tried to convince them to stick to 'their own side'. Perhaps they could have fought for their friendship, and your mum tried to in the beginning. But these 'House frontiers' were very strong back then and especially among the Slytherins you had to face dire consequences if you didn't accept the one and proper rule: Stick to your own.
The Marauders constantly harassed him. Certainly, he was bad too and he gave as well as he could. But it was four against one. Perhaps he thought that if he were vicious enough, they'd let him live in peace. I don't know, I can't know his thoughts back then and I never was friends with Severus. In the beginning your mother tried to protect him, but somehow this only enforced the pranks even more. Every time she defended him was only a reason to prank him twice afterwards.
After a while they started to grow apart. They spent less and less time with each other, were barely polite to each other. But still the Marauders made Severus' life miserable, especially in their sixth year. Over the summer his mother had died. Severus needed compassion, he needed Lily. But James and Sirius did all they could to drive him away. More than once they embarrassed him in front of all students. Embarrassment is very hard to endure as a sixteen-year-old teenager. His closest friends, especially Lucius, had already left the school. He was alone. Severus got very angry and struck back, with nasty insults and curses. He even started to insult your mother. Perhaps he felt betrayed and wanted to drive her away to protect himself. And Lily…
There was a special incident. Sirius and James ridiculed Severus in front of a large number of students, ridiculed him in a despicable way. He hadn't done anything to them, was only there. Lily came to his defence, tried to protect him; but the affair got out of hand, hexes were exchanged and Severus… he called her a Mudblood."
Harry hissed; Roxanne nodded crestfallen. "It was only his pride, his wish to protect the last slice of his pride and he regretted it instantly. But your mother never accepted his apology. For weeks he tried, but she stayed angry at him. Perhaps she wanted to end the friendship, and hoped that it would end the harassment too. She had never been vindictive before or afterwards. I don't know her reasons.
Then – a few weeks later – Sirius had the idea to do a very serious prank to Severus. I only know about it because I read his medical file while I helped Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing. No, it wasn't right for me to do that, Harry. You are not to tell her this, alright?"
Harry nodded and with a sigh Roxanne continued with her story. "You know that Remus spent the times of full moon in the Shrieking Shack, the sole entrance protected by the Whomping Willow?"
"Yes. We… we have been there… Ron, Hermione and I. There we met Sirius the first time as a human, there we discovered Pettigrew."
"I understand. Alright: Nobody ought to know about it, nobody ought to be there with him. But one day Sirius sent Severus to the Shack."
Harry paled. "That's…"
"Dangerous? Awful? Inconsiderate? Yes, it was. Severus had often tried to learn what happened to Remus went he vanished around full moon, without any success. So Sirius 'let slip' where Remus would be and how to bypass the Willow. He followed Remus, he found him – changed into a Werewolf."
With a low whisper Roxanne explained: "He only survived because Sirius had told James about it. James followed him, and rescued Severus. But Severus… he was shaken… and furious. He believed that James and Remus were part of the prank, that James only rescued him because he wanted to protect Remus. And that had been the second part Sirius didn't think about: What would happen to Remus? How would he react, feel, if he learned that he killed someone?"
"They would have sent him to Azkaban," Harry whispered back in tears.
"Yes, they would have. But most important his conscience would have broken Remus. He is one of the kindest men I ever met. The knowledge that he had killed someone would have destroyed him. The fear to hurt someone caused him to never date someone he really liked for the past ten years. I'm certain that this particular incident only reinforced his fear."
The following silence was oppressive. In the end it was Daphne who asked the important question: "What happened afterwards? What happened to Sirius?"
Harry looked up flabbergasted as he heard the simple answer: "Nothing."
Roxanne shrugged: "Alright, not 'nothing'. He got detention, a month's worth of detention. But that's hardly an appropriate punishment for nearly destroying the lives of two people. Sirius should have been expelled from Hogwarts for what he did, not merely a light slap on the wrist. I strongly see the hand of Dumbledore in the matter. I can't accept the idea that even Minerva would have allowed Sirius to walk away like that."
Hard as it was to admit: If her story was true – and Harry was determined to ask Sirius about it – that had been a very bad deed, something that should have been punished severely.
"You know, Harry, Narcissa Malfoy once told me that this had been the reason, the trigger, for Severus to follow the Dark Lord for a while. I don't know if she's correct, but I'm sure that this incident and the lack of repercussions was a very important point for him. He was already tending to the Dark side, partially under the influence of Lucius. But that moment was a point of decision, a point of committing a grave error or see reason. His own tendencies, Lucius' influence, and the push of Sirius' deed: Which part had how much influence?
Severus is certainly a git most of the time. He's proud, caustic and eager to insult everyone. That's part of the reasons that I never liked him, even in school. But only a few people turn bad completely on their own account. Think about your cousin Dudley. He's a pig, isn't he? But how much of it is his own fault and how much had it been the impact of his father and how Dudley was reared? With another father, with another childhood, with someone to show him what's wrong and right… don't you think he could have been a completely different boy? Is Dudley evil or simply badly brought up?"
"He has a malicious streak, but Uncle Vernon had been a bad example, a bad influence. And he never tried to parent him," Harry replied.
"You could say the same about Severus, I assume. He has a malicious streak, but he has also his good sides. A weak, depressive mother and a brutal, abusive father certainly weren't the best conditions for his childhood. Some persons become good persons despite those conditions. You're an example of that kind. But you have to understand that you are a very special case. Many others would have turned into vicious rats after ten years with the Dursleys. That makes their behaviour so contemptible: The – possible – repercussions on your whole life.
We'll never know if Severus would have chosen to follow Lucius Malfoy without the Marauders, but they have certainly been a decisive factor. He nearly died there in the Shack. A sixteen-year-old boy nearly killed by an angry Werewolf. And afterwards the Headmaster had the nerve to order him to stay silent, blackmailed him to tell nobody what happened. Without the medical file, without Narcissa, even I wouldn't know about it. Perhaps I'm wrong; perhaps I miss some important pieces. But if I'm right then Severus has every reason to hate at least Sirius. And after five years of enduring James' insults and pranks, James' hate and disgust, he certainly had no reason to believe that he wasn't part of the…"
Gloomy she looked Harry in the eye: "It was a crime, what Sirius did. It was not – as Dumbledore said – a prank."
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A/N
Do you know this situation? You start to write and it grows longer and longer. I really didn't expect this chapter to be this long. Now it is time for a bit of Ministry talk and Gringotts business.