A/N: This takes place during Sein und Zeit, in Mulder's apartment after his mom died. Mulder's thoughts and a missing scene between Scully and him.

Desperation

Mulder did not know what to do. Everytime a case of child kidnapping occurred he automatically took it personally. He could not help it. He always hoped that one day, one of those cases would help him to find the truth about what happened to his sister. Only, now that he was sure he was closer to that truth than he had ever been, he found himself paralyzed.

He never expected that approaching the end of his quest would bring so much pain. He thought his mother would want to know the truth. Or perhaps she already knew everything. She could not have killed herself. He still could not quite believe he actually asked Scully to do the autopsy, but she was the only one he really trusted. His mom could not have killed herself. If there were something to find – as he was sure there was – Scully would find it.

Mulder realized he was a bit hard on Scully, but this was a difficult case and he found that her skepticism was not that helpful, for once. He wanted her to be more open on this case. He wanted her to trust him. He wanted her to see by herself that his mother did not commit suicide, and then they would go from here to find the truth.

Somehow, when she knocked on the door of his apartment, and when he opened it to her, he knew he was not going to like the news. The way she walked, and then carefully sat down across from him was revealing to him. He tried to tell her that his mom had known something about Samantha and that the cases had to be connected, but Scully did not seem to listen. She just sat. He did not really dare to face her so he kept his head down a bit. And then she told him. His mother did commit suicide. She was suffering from a fatal disease. He knew it was the truth, but still could not quite believe it. She had been trying to tell him something, he was sure of it. But now that she was dead, he could not do anything but cry, so he did.

He cried on Scully's shoulder for he did not know how long. He was still clinging to her as if his life depended on it. She was just rocking him gently. His apartment never sounded so silent to him. What was happening? He fell in love with his partner, but did not seem to be able to do anything about that. He was unable to quite grasp the truth about his sister's disappearance, no matter how close he was to finally know what happened to her. And now his mother had killed herself after trying to send him a message. How the hell did his life end up like this?

He shifted a little bit taking his head off Scully's shoulder. He stayed close to her, his head still down. Scully kissed his forehead and then put her own forehead on his, eyes closed. Mulder took a look at her, so beautiful on the dim light, and before he could really think about it, he kissed her. She was surprised but did not step back. Mulder just took her face in his hand and brought her even closer to him, kissing her passionately. Scully was almost on his lap then and, while he kissing her neck, he lifted her up somehow managing to put the both of them on his couch. Mulder pressed his body a bit more against Scully's, and soon they were both laid on his couch. Mulder deepened the kiss while starting to work on Scully's shirt's buttons. This was when Scully stopped kissing him back and put her hand on his chest.

- "Mulder, wait, stop."

Mulder did not want to stop. He wanted her right there and right now. He could not take it anymore.

- "Mulder, no. Stop!" she said, between kisses. "It's not right. We can't do that." Mulder kept kissing her neck but less madly. "Mulder, you just lost your mom." she said, sadly.

Mulder then reluctantly stopped. Deep down he knew she was right. He was still on top of her and they just looked at each other, catching their breath. Scully then brought Mulder's head to her and kissed his forehead gently again. She then put his head on her chest. Mulder let himself lead by Scully's touch and cried again on her chest. He felt Scully stroking his hair lightly, and found it oddly soothing.