Chapter Thirty

A woman whose now somewhat dog-eared nametag simply reads "Pru", sees that Christian has rejoined the noisy party and greets the couple with, "What did he say?"

Christian is immediately wary when Ana shoots him a nervous glance before saying, "Uh, haven't had a chance to discuss it, yet."

"Discuss what?"

Pru's eyes are shining with excitement…or whatever is in the glass she's holding, when she exclaims, "Go Ape! It's fucking brilliant. Ana simply must do it while you're here. How long are you staying?"

Instant dislike for this brash woman practically making his skin itch, Christian coolly says, "Other than look after her health and that of our baby, there's nothing Ana must do. And, if you're talking about that tree top adventure park, it's out of the question." He's not an idiot; he can see that such an authoritative tone when they're in public awakens Ana's ire, so he quickly explains to her, "Even their website says that it's a bad idea when you're pregnant, baby. You'd have to sign a waiver just to get into a harness."

Pru dismisses his concerns with a wave of her hand and say, "Oh, rubbish; it's perfectly safe. The company is just covering themselves. They won't actually forbid you. Six year olds do this…well, the junior course, anyway."

Well and truly tired of the conversation, Christian hopes it will be enough when he says, "Ana and I will discuss it, later."

As if he's agreed, Pru grasps Ana's arm and says, "Awesome! You're going to love it, Ana. I'll make sure they have a harness that will fit around that little guy."

Still warily monitoring Christian's reaction out the corner of her eye, Ana says, "Uh, thanks. As Christian said; we'll talk about it. I'll give you a call in the morning and let you know."

They're then offered a reprieve from whatever else Pru was going to say when the designated pianist, Kevin, begins the introduction to Auld Lang Syne. Carla appears beside Ana's elbow, slipping an arm through hers and whispering, "Wonderful evening."

Suddenly weary, Ana offers a weak smile and says, "I told you, he always makes it fun."

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

Not game to look at Christian, who she knows will be listening to every word, Ana straightens her posture in an attempt to appease them both and says, "Just tired, Mom."

It seems enough, and Carla is then distracted by joining in when the entire room starts singing the words that most people are apparently born knowing. When they're done, Kevin is rewarded with almost somber applause, as every sensible person in the place knows that it's time to leave. For once grateful of his domineering tone when Christian leans close to whisper "Time for bed," Ana finds Ann, who uses Jerry's strong arm to stand and embrace her as they say goodbye, promising to talk more over breakfast.

Seeking out a few more of her new best friends, who she knows won't be there in the morning, Ana then lets Christian lead her upstairs, where they wordlessly get ready for bed. She can feel his eagle eyes on her, but can't summon the energy to reassure him, because she doesn't really know what's wrong. Finally, he taps twice on her arm and says, "Hey, talk to me."

Amazingly, her mood lifts at his words, and with it comes clarity, though a shadow of fear hangs over her as she takes a deep breath and says, "You've done so much for me…for us – all three of us – that it doesn't seem right to have any doubts."

Tensing in defense against he knows not what, Christian calmly says, "Yet clearly, you do."

Recognizing it as a request for more information, Ana nods and explains, "I understand why you do it, so I honestly don't ultimately mind, but…when you act jealous like that, it…I can't be afraid all the time, Christian."

He'd been thinking the same thing, so quietly reveals, "And I don't like seeing that fear in your eyes. I know it's not of me. You aren't worried that I'll do anything to you. But you're rightly afraid that I might create a scene, even hurt some fucker for impropriety." Spreading his hands wide in supplication, knowing that she understands, he says, "But, unless you want me back on medication, this is honestly the best I can do right now. Do you feel as if I'm not improving?"

Resting her hands on his arms, drawing them down in a bid to counteract his concern, Ana almost desperately says, "Oh, God, no. Please don't think that. Like I said, you've done so much. I'm just…you asked me to talk, so that's what I'm doing."

Relaxing somewhat, Christian enfolds Ana in his embrace as he asks, "Any suggestions?"

Her face resting against his chest, Ana thinks about it for several seconds and then says, "Maybe a promise?"

At first confused, Christian eventually says, "Along the lines of not breaking some guy's hand if it touches my wife?"

Ana manages a smile and says, "Along those lines, but only if you feel able to keep it. I'll understand if it's beyond you for now. Like I said, I know why this is difficult for you."

Searching his memories for scenarios that have made his blood boil with primal rage – it doesn't take long – Christian finds words that he can live with and vows, "I promise, on my love for you, that I will never strike another human being, in anger, without your permission."

Ana is quiet for so long, he worries that she needs more than he can give, but there are grateful tears welling in her eyes when she lifts her head to incredulously ask, "You'd do that for me?"

Relieved, he smiles and says, "Technically, not do that for you; yes. Good enough?"

Blinking away the tears, Ana smiles and says, "Yes, thank you. Can we fuck now?"

He could. He certainly wants to. A day without her naked limbs entwined in his seems an eternity. Instead, Christian relaxes his embrace, in case she needs to retreat, and bleakly intones, "You said doubts; plural."

"I did? It's just an expression, darling."

Smiling, knowing that she's lying to herself, not him, Christian feels almost at ease when he gently admonishes, "Baby, I've been in therapy for a couple of decades; you'll have to do better than that. It's something to do with that awful Pru woman. That's when your mood shifted." He sees the moment when Ana unlocks the deeper fear lurking in her mind, and he deliberately softly prompts, "Please, baby, trust me enough to tell me."

As expected, Ana takes a step back, out of his arms. Trying not to let the pain of that simple gesture distract him, Christian is intent on her words and her body's responses when she sighs and sadly asks, "Do you think it will always be like this?"

Suddenly comprehending that she's talking about the ridiculous tree top activity, he can't help the warning tone when he reminds her, "You've given me carte blanche when it comes to yours and our baby's safety."

With that frightening serenity, that gives no clue as to her feelings, Ana nods and says, "Yes. And I stand by that decision. I will respect your wishes in this matter."

She clearly thinks that he's wrong, and her maddening calm makes him feel like a child before an indulgent, patient parent. Helpless to stop his rising anger, Christian retains enough control to moderate his volume as he says, "You think I'm being overprotective."

"Pru works there, Christian, so I would think she knows more about it than someone who probably didn't look past the home page of their website. But I knew, even as I said that we'd discuss it, that there would be no discussion. When I had that thought, our future suddenly seemed…it made me sad."

Genuinely confused, since stubborn anger has always been her response when she feels justified in defying him, Christian can only echo, "Sad?"

This time, as the moisture wells in her almost too-blue eyes, silently accusing and beseeching him, Christian knows that it's sorrow, not happiness, when Ana reveals, "Flynn says that I'm strong enough to fight you every day of our lives, but he's wrong."

It's too much; undefined emotions roiling within him, Christian feels the terrifying onset of his own sad tears – not seen since he was an infant – and curses that his voice cracks as he says, "I need to go for a run."

Somehow it's made even worse when Ana merely looks slightly disappointed as she nods and politely asks, "Will you please take Lea or Nigel with you?"

"I've dismissed them for the evening." Why does my voice sound so strange?

"They're professionals. They'll still be making sure this building is secure."

"Okay, baby. I'll take Nigel." Just get the fuck out of here already!

Whomever the fuck is talking inside his head means that Christian doesn't even hear Ana's farewell as he practically sprints from the room. Thankfully, Nigel is still up and about and keen for exercise, given that they had a fairly lazy day. It's about a mile before Christian calms down enough that the panicked little boy inside him is quieted, and another before he relaxes enough to remember what Ana had said as he fled her presence; "Thank you, Christian. I love you, no matter what you decide."

It's the truth that had been staring him in the face all this time. The clues were there; the adoration in her eyes twenty hours a day, her eager willingness to try anything (in and out of the playroom) that he suggests, her wholehearted acceptance of his sordid past and it's continued repercussions, her apparently limitless capacity to forgive his transgressions and inadequacies, and her remarkable choice to bend her iron will to his. Ana's love for him is so powerful, so selfless, that he cannot destroy it…but it can destroy her. The revelation is strong enough that he stumbles and almost falls, coming to a sudden stop.

"Sir?"

Of course, he'd forgotten about his shadow and shakes his head, saying, "Enough for tonight, I think."

Stepping aside, so Christian can take the lead for the journey back, Nigel merely says, "Yes, sir."

This cold December night ensures that he's barely broken a sweat by the time they return to the inn. Again dismissing his minder, Christian spends some time downstairs, carefully avoiding the lingering, alcohol-soaked guests, while he researches and considers what to do next before heading upstairs to his wife. She's apparently in bed, facing away from him, but he figures she's feigning sleep. Thankfully, she's left the bathroom light on for him, so he's able to undress and clean up a little before finding his way into bed without injury. She still hasn't moved. Christian wraps himself around Ana, ignoring her feeble attempts to stop him when she works out what he's doing. Sure enough, there is fresh moisture on her face; she's been weeping while he ran away. Tired of apologizing, so he knows she must be tired of hearing it, Christian instead cradles her to him and says to her back, "You used to dance."

Relaxing a little at his warm tone, Ana says, "I danced tonight."

"No. I mean, you used to dance when you thought no one was watching. Somewhere between our honeymoon and tonight, you stopped doing that."

After a few seconds, Ana says, "You're right. I hadn't noticed. I guess, with everything that's happened since then, I haven't felt much like dancing."

This confirmation of how much being married to him has damaged her causes Christian considerable pain. But he pushes it aside to say, "I don't want hurricane Christian to destroy your identity, Anastasia. I'd never forgive myself if you sacrifice who you are, just to stay with me."

She's quiet for even longer this time, and then restores all Christian's faith in their love when she simply says, "You have a plan."

Holding her tighter, he breathes "Thank you," and then relaxes his embrace a little to reveal, "Despite you having given your consent, I'll no longer arbitrarily decide matters of safety. If I consider something is too dangerous, I'll say so, in those words, and then we'll discuss it and work out a compromise. But we both need me in control, so I'll ultimately have the final word."

He loves her even more when she takes quite a while to consider his words. He can hear the laughter in her voice when she finally says, "Jason won't have as much to do, if we settle our own arguments from now on."

Finally daring to hope that they'll be okay, Christian chuckles and says, "Baby, he'll be in charge of protecting our offspring. He'll be plenty busy."

Ana laughs at that – God, how he loves that sound – and takes a deep breath before saying, "I want to do the Go Ape. Quite a few of my relatives are doing it tomorrow, while they're in the area, and I don't want to miss out, because I may never have this chance again."

Despite it sounding like defiance, Christian recognizes her words as compliance and kisses her cheek before saying, "I've looked into it; adults can do the junior course. The difference being that it's an hour instead of two or three, and you will be permanently attached to a safety cable for the duration. That I can cope with, though I reserve the right to hover and worry incessantly." When Ana moves out of his arms, he wonders if he's somehow fucked up again, and asks, "Baby?"

Turning to give him a quick kiss, Ana smiles and says, "Just texting Pru. She'll be thrilled."

Grimacing at the thought of enduring yet more of that woman's company, Christian complains, "She'll be a pain in the ass."

Giggling, Ana reaches for her phone as she corrects him, "I believe they say 'arse' here, darling."

"That, too." Giving her time to send the message, he then growls, "Now get your arse back in here."

Laughing again, Ana gleefully shakes her head and says, "Twenty minutes."

"Fuck. Okay, but it's ten now. We've already talked."

Climbing under the covers and into his arms, Ana agrees, "Fair enough. Oh, what were you smiling about after we met Bree?"

"Oh, I was just thinking that you're getting good at handling me. And I was surprised how little it bothered me. It certainly would have in the past."

Visibly surprised, Ana says, "I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I just knew that I didn't want you to get off on the wrong foot with the woman who'll be travelling with us."

"Exactly; handling me. You saw that I was angry and altered my mood; very adroitly, I might add."

"Do I need to apologize for that?"

"No, baby. If we weren't one wall away from your mother, it probably would have earned you punishment. But, like I said, I wasn't very upset, and I'm guessing that Carla pounding on the door because you're screaming would rather ruin the mood."

There is something else entirely in Ana's tone when she says, "I'd like to handle you now."

His hands already questing under her t-shirt, Christian smirks, "What happened to talking?"

Christian knows all conversation is over when Ana looks at him, her eyes wide with longing, and says, "If that's what you'd prefer, Sir."

They make love then, gently, as if nothing has ever been wrong between them, savoring every inch of each other's bodies, until Ana can't help but scream her ecstasy, though not with the same abandon she would at home.

Later, holding his beloved in his arms, the sweat still cooling on their skin, Christian quietly confesses, his voice barely above a whisper, "I don't like making you sad."

Resting a hand on his chest, Ana says, "I know. And you probably wouldn't have if I weren't tired and at the whim of hormones, but I'm glad we talked. You're the best ex-Dom a not-very-submissive could ever wish for."

When Christian laughs at that, she's again surrounded by that wonderful, warm, comforting sound and falls asleep to echoes of his happiness.