A/N thank you everyone for your favourites, follows and reviews they really mean a lot! And I'm sorry for the wait but I went with my Ranger unit (part of Girl Guides) on a camp so I had no Wi-Fi or laptop : ( so I really hope you enjoy this chapter and it makes up for the wait!
It was now Tuesday, the day of Vinny's funeral. And despite Jamie having been in the house since Sunday Henry knew Frank had said nothing to Jamie. Henry could see how Jamie was struggling with his emotions and the guilt he shouldn't be feeling and he felt for sure Frank would say something about this. But he hadn't. Henry was sat in a pew with Erin, Linda, Frank and Danny, he would have liked to have had Jamie sat beside him but Jamie was a pall bearer and so would sat in a different pew. When waiting for Vinny's coffin to arrive with his family everyone was chatting quietly to themselves.
Danny turned to Henry, "How has Jamie been? I would have come over but the case-"
"I know Danny" smiled Henry, but then his smile darkened. "Jamie has been holding up the best he can under the circumstances"
"Has he been sleeping alright?" asked Danny his eyes bright with concern.
"Again the best he can with what has happened" replied Henry grimly. Truth was he had sat in the chair in Jamie's room for most of the night so he would be there to help Jamie get a good night's sleep. Knowing the funeral would cause the nightmares to be worse, which it had.
Then everyone in the church fell silent at the same moment when they saw Vinny's family walk down the aisle to their seats at the front. Everyone then stood to attention as the coffin passed them. As the coffin passed Henry all he wanted was to reach out and gently squeeze Jamie's arm to comfort him but he just barely managed to hold himself back. And could only stand back as Jamie walked past his eyes staring straight ahead not even registering he was passing his family.
Throughout the service Henry kept one eye on what was happening at the front of the church, but his other eye was on Jamie. When Vinny's father went up to the front and thanked all of the people who served with Vinny and thanked Jamie for everything he did that fateful day Henry watched as Jamie lowered his head. Henry wanted to get up and walk across the aisle to bring Jamie in for a tight embrace but all he could do was watch as Renzulli put a comforting and reassuring arm around Jamie.
After the service Frank needed to go back to his office and Henry watched as Jamie's eyes followed Frank. Henry knew despite him telling Jamie that Frank didn't blame Jamie for Vinny's death he knew Jamie wouldn't believe him until Frank spoke to him. Henry almost approached Frank, pulled him back and pushed him towards Jamie but Jamie then turned and walked away. Henry saw Frank stop and turn, Frank looked on as Jamie walked away with an unreadable expression. Henry unable to watch as Frank did nothing to go and speak to Jamie turned and followed Jamie down the street to Danny's car.
Erin and Linda were in Erin's car and decided to go for a drink, to banish the dark thoughts that they could have been burying Jamie that day. When Danny drove Henry and Jamie back to the house. Jamie then realized where he was going.
"Grandpa why are we going back to the house? I'm back on duty tomorrow so shouldn't I go back to my apartment?" questioned Jamie.
"I just thought for the next week as you get back into routine it would be best if you came home to other people instead of an empty apartment" replied Henry, he turned in the passenger seat to see Jamie nod in understanding. While this was a reason why Henry wanted Jamie at the house, he also wanted to keep Jamie there until Frank spoke to him.
When Danny stopped the car outside the house Jamie silently got out and headed towards the front door.
"Grandpa he'll be okay won't he?" asked Danny in a small voice watching his younger brother walk up to the house slowly, almost dragging his feet.
"Give him time Danny and he'll soon be back to his normal self" comforted Henry, not adding what he was thinking. He'd get better faster if only your father took the time to speak to him. Sighing Danny nodded, Henry patted Danny's shoulder. "Look why don't you call Erin and the two of you come over tomorrow evening and let's see if that will help him. He might want to talk to you then because he's going back on duty tomorrow"
"Too soon" said Danny,
"What is?" asked Henry frowning out of confusion.
"Jamie going back on duty. It's too soon" responded Danny turning to look at Henry with worry and fear reflecting in his eyes. "What if he freezes? What if he gets called back to the Bitterman houses and they have another go at him? What if-"
"You can't think about the 'what ifs' Danny. You just can't. And Jamie is exactly the same as you he can't stay away from the job for too long. He'll be fine, he told me he's being partnered up with Renzulli again. Tony will make sure he's alright, being back on duty might even help him get back to his normal self quicker" Henry commented before getting out of the car.
When Danny and Erin arrived the next evening they saw Jamie and Henry drinking beer watching the TV.
"Hey kid how are you?" asked Danny taking a seat opposite Jamie.
Jamie narrowed his eyes as he bit out, "I'm fine. I wish everyone would stop asking me that"
An awkward silence took over the room and Danny looked across at Jamie almost desperately. He wanted to say something to Jamie but he just didn't know what.
"How was your tour Jamie?" asked Erin as a way of defusing the tension, but she only ignited it further.
"Oh just great" snarked Jamie, "just answering questions about how I am and giving directions"
"Maybe that's for the best" commented Danny, "I mean after what has happened it's probably better that-"
"That I what? Stay away from the case?!" snapped Jamie, "I want to help catch the killer of my partner and friend and the last time I checked that didn't involve handing out directions to tourists!" he then stood slamming his empty beer bottle on the coffee table and stormed into the kitchen.
Danny turned to Henry, "I thought you said getting back on duty would help, but instead of not saying anything he's getting angry!"
"Danny put yourself in his position. And it's like what I told you at the E.R, once this case is solved he will start to get back to normal" replied Henry. The room was silent when Jamie returned with another beer and sank back down onto the couch not looking at the others in the room. The four of them watched the TV and their mouths fell open when the news came on saying the Mayor had been shot.
After Jamie had stormed out of the room and Danny had left soon followed by Erin, Henry went to find Jamie. Henry found Jamie on the back porch just looking up at the stars, Henry smiled slightly. Looking at the stars was something Betty would get Jamie to do when he was a toddler to help him calm down and get to sleep.
Henry lowered himself onto the step beside his grandson "Jamie are you-"
"Don't grandpa, just please don't ask if I'm okay. Because evidently I'm not" interrupted Jamie looking at Henry from the corner of his eye.
"Now why do you say that?" asked Henry resting his arms on his knees and turned slightly so he was facing Jamie.
"Because I'm just so angry. All the time. And I just snap at anyone" admitted Jamie softly.
"You're just going through a tough time Jamie, so it's expected that your emotions will be all over the place" said Henry as he wrapped an arm around Jamie's shoulders and together they looked up at the stars.
Henry looked out of the living room window and watched as Erin dropped Jamie off. Henry knew that Jamie wanted to speak to Frank about something and that he wanted Erin to go with him. Henry angrily thought that this would have been the first time in two weeks that Frank had spoken to Jamie.
As Jamie walked through the door Henry made his way over, "So how did it go?"
"Fine" replied Jamie as he walked past and made his way up the stairs and headed to his room. Henry frowned, to any question all Jamie seemed to reply with was 'fine' and what saddened Henry further was that Jamie seemed to be purposefully hiding himself away in his room. Henry decided that Frank's silence to Jamie had gone on long enough, he had given Frank many chances to speak to Jamie and Frank hadn't even taken the time to do so. And even though Jamie and gone to see Frank that evening Frank can't have said anything to soothe Jamie's concerns, if anything he may have made things worse. So now Henry was going to outright make Frank speak to Jamie. He grudgingly accepted that it would have to be the next day because of the late hour.
An hour later Frank walked through the door, "Evening pop, I thought you'd be asleep" commented Frank as he retrieved a beer and sat at the kitchen table opposite Henry.
"I would have been but I wanted to wait awhile until I was sure Jamie had got himself to sleep" replied Henry leaning back in his chair.
"He came to see me in my office tonight" spoke Frank taking a sip from his beer,
"I know" stated Henry, "He came home looking as if he was having an inner conflict taking place in his head. So I told him to speak to Erin because I know she wanted to do something to help him and her advice might just be able to help him. So I see it did"
"Didn't he tell you?" asked Frank frowning slightly.
"No. All he said when he came home was 'fine'. To be honest Francis he isn't saying much. The guilt is eating him alive" said Henry quietly trying to blink away the images of Jamie's eyes that held so much anger, fear and guilt.
"He seemed fine this evening" mused Frank,
"Well he would" at Frank's questioning look Henry continued, "Your opinion means everything to him and he hangs off your every word. So he would want to show you he is coping with what happened"
"I know he is" replied Frank nodding his head,
Henry shook his head, "That's just the thing Francis. He's not"
"What do you mean?" gaped Frank,
"I've said enough tonight, I'm sure Jamie wouldn't want me to be saying anything to you on the subject. Just…think about what I said Francis" commented Henry softly before he rose to his feet and bidding Frank goodnight he left the room. And hoped that Frank would listen to him and now speak to Jamie.
The next day Frank came straight home after speaking to Mayor Poole in the hospital, he walked into the living room where he saw Henry sat on the couch looking through some old photo albums.
"Hi pop" greeted Frank,
"Evening Francis. Any developments on the case?" Henry didn't need to specify which case, the whole city knew what it was.
"We got them. The D.A. is drawing up the warrants and tomorrow Los Lordes will be taken into custody" smiled Frank in relief.
"Good. Hopefully that will help Jamie" nodded Henry looking down and smiling at a photo of him, Betty and a six year old Jamie sat on his lap.
"Is he here?" asked Frank looking around,
"No, he came home about twenty minutes ago but then decided to go for a walk" commented Henry looking up.
Frank nodded and leaned back, "Where did he go?"
"He's stressed out who did he go to when he felt like that growing up? Joe. Why would that be any different now?" replied Henry hoping Frank would stand up and go find Jamie.
Frank just nodded again. Henry frowned. "Francis go find him and talk to him. When Jamie came to see you last night that was the first time you've spoken to him in two weeks!"
"I've been busy pop" sighed Frank,
"I know. But Jamie has been staying in the same house as you and you still said nothing to him! You called Danny about getting hit on the head with a bottle and yet you said nothing to Jamie! Who watched as a young woman jumped off a building with her baby boy! And then had his friend and partner die in his arms!" exploded Henry standing up.
Frank looked up at Henry in shock, "But-"
"But nothing Francis. He thinks you blame him for Vinny's death!"
"He what?!" exclaimed Frank, "How could he think that? It wasn't his fault, the fault of Vinny's death lies with the person who pulled the trigger. Pop please tell me he hasn't being going around these past few days thinking that!"
"I'm sorry Francis. But if told you that then I'd be lying" murmured Henry.
Frank put his head in his hands, "Why? Why does he think I blame him?"
Henry slowly lowered himself back onto the couch and rested a hand on Frank's shoulder. "Because he knew they shouldn't have gone in there without backup and he feels that he should have done more to get Vinny out of the firing line. He thinks it's his fault because he guessed it was a set-up and was standing nearer the wall, so he thinks he let Vinny get shot"
Frank turned his head and in his eyes Henry could see sadness and guilt, "Pop. What have I done?"
"What do you mean Francis?" asked Henry,
"I've seen. And known. Cops who couldn't deal with the guilt from situations like this and they felt ending their lives was the only solution left to them. How did I not see he was feeling guilty?" pleaded Frank.
Henry sighed, "Because Jamie wants us to know he can do the job and doesn't want us to think he should have stayed in Law. So he hides how he feels and you said it yourself, you were busy so you couldn't see what Jamie was doing"
"That's no excuse. I'm his father I should know when he's hiding something. And does he really still think we think he should go back to Law? I admit at first I didn't want him to join the force, but I knew he really wanted it so I never thought he should go back to Law" spoke Frank leaning back on the couch.
"He really thinks that?" Henry and Frank turned to see Danny stood in the doorway wide eyed.
"Danny when did you get here?" asked Henry standing up wondering how much of the conversation Danny had heard.
"Just after dad" responded Danny. "Is Jamie really in that bad of a place that he would think about…you know…"
"He wouldn't" assured Henry firmly, "He has all of us looking out for him"
"But what if he has everything under control but then something triggers the bad memories! I need to go find him!" exclaimed Danny.
"No Danny" stated Frank standing up.
"Dad!-"
"No. Because it's about time I speak to him" stressed Frank before he turned and left the house missing Henry's relieved smile.
Henry could still see Danny wanted to go and find Jamie himself and make sure his younger brother was alright. "Come and sit down Danny your dad will make sure Jamie is alright"
Danny cast one more look at the door before he reluctantly made his way over to Henry. He saw the photo album on the coffee table and couldn't help but smile seeing the photo of six year old Jamie with his wide grin that was very familiar to the family. They knew something was wrong if Jamie wasn't smiling, and Danny knew it had been a very long time since Jamie had smiled like that. Danny's smile faded when he remembered it had been after Joe's death when Jamie had stopped smiling the wide grin, Danny had caught a glimpse of it when Jamie graduated the Acadmey but it hadn't been the same.
Frank was thinking the same thoughts as he walked down the street towards the cemetery berating himself for letting Jamie go through his emotions alone after the two traumatic events he had been involved in during the past week.
Frank walked through the cemetery gates and made the familiar short walk to where his mother, wife and middle son where buried. In the dusk as he neared the graves he could make out Jamie sat in front of Joe's headstone.
While Jamie was unaware of his approach Frank took the opportunity to observe Jamie. Knowing his youngest son like he did Frank could see that Jamie was having an internal battle, his heart clenched knowing he had caused part of Jamie's suffering.
"Jamie" spoke Frank as he sat beside Jamie.
"Dad what are you doing here?" asked Jamie as he sat up straighter,
"I came to find you" said Frank as he looked at Jamie.
"Why?" questioned Jamie looking at Frank trying to keep his voice neutral.
"Because I have become aware that you are feeling guilty for something that wasn't your fault" stated Frank watching Jamie's reaction closely,
"I don't know what you're talking about dad" Jamie replied shrugging his shoulders as he looked straight ahead at the headstone.
"Jamie Vinny's death wasn't your fault" empathised Frank, Jamie began shaking his head. "No Jamie it wasn't. And I hate to think you put all the blame on yourself when you should be carrying no blame at all"
Jamie snapped his head around to face Frank, "But I should have stopped him from going into the houses! I should have-"
"Should have what? Stopped him from doing his job. Jamie he made the choice to into the Bitterman houses and you made the choice to follow him, despite you both knowing the risks. And because of that I am proud of both of you" admitted Frank looking Jamie straight in the eye so Jamie could see he was telling the truth, not some half-hearted comfort. Seeing the look in his father's eyes Jamie could see that Frank had been worried about the situation Jamie had been in but he was proud nevertheless. And Jamie could clearly see his dad never blamed him for Vinny's death by not waiting for backup.
"Dad, I keep thinking I failed him. It feels like I did nothing to help him" choked Jamie rubbing his eyes to get rid of his tears.
"You didn't fail him Jamie, you did anything but. You risked your life to save him, if it wasn't for the fatal injury you would have saved him" soothed Frank squeezing Jamie's arm comfortingly.
"I keep thinking about how close I was stood next to him and how easily the shot I took could have been fatal like the shot Vinny took" admitted Jamie in a soft whisper rubbing his shoulder and staring out at nothing as the memories washed over him. Frank shivered seeing Jamie rub the shoulder that been bruised from being shot, thinking about how close he had come to burying Jamie beside Joe. And just thanked whoever saved Jamie that day, he turned his attention back to his son as Jamie continued. "Vinny should never have died, it could have easily been me and a part of me thinks that it should have been me!"
"Jamie" choked Frank,
"I'm sorry dad. I really am" cried Jamie as he bowed his head and tears rolled down his face.
Frank leaned forward and tightly hugged Jamie, "Shhh Jamie it's alright I'm here shhh" soothed Frank as he rubbed Jamie's back.
Jamie rested his head on Frank's shoulder and felt the comfort and protection he had felt when growing up. "I'm sor-"
"Don't Jamie" Frank softly ordered.
"But I've caused the whole family to be worried!" sobbed Jamie,
"You have nothing to be sorry for" Frank firmly but gently stated and held onto Jamie tighter, afraid that if he let go Jamie would be lost to him. Frank wondered if this was the first time since the Bitterman mess started that Jamie had let out his emotions. "That's it Jamie let it out"
Minutes past, but to Frank hearing his youngest son's anguish made it feel like hours. Jamie lifted his head and Frank reluctantly ended the hug, but he kept a hand on each of Jamie's shoulders. As if this would help keep Jamie upright and keep away all the dangers that threatened his son.
"Dad do you think I could still do the job?" asked Jamie in a hoarse voice not quite meeting Frank's gaze.
"Why do you ask?" questioned Frank trying to capture Jamie's gaze.
"After what has happened-" started Jamie,
"Jamie listen to me. I have seen many cops do the job and you are one of the ones that I have no doubt in being the best. And I'm not saying that because you are my son. Jamie you have this inner strength that enables you to cope with some of the worst things that a cop can see doing the job. I have no doubt that you can. And will. Continue to do the job. To put it simply Jamie, the force needs more cops like you" smiled Frank. Jamie stared wide eyed at Frank in disbelief and Frank nodded telling Jamie he really felt what he had just said.
"Sorry for making you come out here dad" apologized Jamie looking slightly sheepish.
Frank shook his head smiling, "No apology needed son, I'm your father and I will always be here for you. And to be honest this I can deal with"
"What do you mean?" asked Jamie frowning in confusion.
"That it is easier to help you when you are upset because you just come here. It's a little more difficult to help Danny when he goes on a drunken rampage" smiled Frank. Jamie sat stunned for a moment before he started laughing, a sound Frank realized he hadn't heard in a long time and had missed.
Henry looked up hearing the front door open and close, he watched as Jamie and Frank entered the room. Henry smiled seeing Frank and Jamie smiling and Frank's arm around Jamie's shoulders.
Danny also smiled seeing the sight, "You okay kid?"
"Of course I am" replied Jamie, "I'm not the one who goes on drunken rampages"
"And what is that supposed to mean?!" demanded an affronted Danny,
"That I'm the good son that every Irish family has" smirked Jamie.
"You did not just say that" challenged Danny.
"I think I just did" sniggered Jamie, causing both Henry and Frank to burst out laughing.
Danny narrowed his eyes, "Right that's it" and then he lunged at Jamie hands outstretched. Jamie's eyes widened and then he swivelled out of the way and laughing he ran out to the backyard with Danny close behind.
"Sometimes you'd think they hadn't grown up" commented Henry as he stood up chuckling,
"Wouldn't have it any other way" smiled Frank,
"No we wouldn't" responded Henry smiling.
They then made their way onto the back porch where they watched Danny and Jamie playfully wrestling on the ground. Henry felt himself relax when he saw Jamie's eyes. They weren't unseeing, filled with guilt, sadness, anger or fear. They were filled with mirth, happiness and most important for Henry, mischief. Jamie's eyes were bright with laughter and that was when Henry knew Jamie would be alright. He knew it could take a while but for the moment messing around with Danny was helping Jamie get through the roller coaster of emotions caused by Vinny's death. The family would be with Jamie every step of the way and Henry was determined to see that Jamie would be back to his normal self.
Looking to his right side Henry's smile widened seeing Frank's smile. While Frank had gone after Jamie Henry had thought more about why Frank had kept his distance. He thought maybe subconsciously Frank had just been waiting for the next piece of bad news involving the Bitterman houses and Jamie. And maybe when hearing about the appearance of Los Lordes at the scene of Noni's suicide made Frank believe Jamie could be targeted for some unknown reason. Henry thought maybe Frank was trying to keep his distance to protect Jamie from being in the news and putting a spotlight on Jamie. While Henry didn't agree with Frank not saying anything to Jamie, he could maybe understand Frank's reasons, but Frank had spoken to Jamie and looked what happened. Jamie looked more relaxed than he had all week.
Jamie looked over at Henry when Danny picked up his dropped cell phone, "You okay grandpa?"
Seeing Jamie's wide grin that hadn't been seen in years Henry replied smiling, "Never better".
The End.