So hey! I was listening to Leona Lewis's song 'Happy' and I came up with this songfic. It's depressing but you can't always have unicorns and rainbows now can you?

Thank you so much to Amber Star 1114 and Anne Fatalism Dilettante who have both been reviewing every chapter! You guys are golden XD

Twenty-Nine: Happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

I walk aimlessly through hallways of the G8 conference building, being held in London. I like walking about here. I know I won't find anything new because I've been around this building countless times but I don't mind. We agreed to have an hour break and I wanted- no needed to get away. Away from them. Away from him.

I don't need nor care to think about feelings. They're a nuisance and even though I can't escape them, it doesn't mean I like them. Makes no different to me if I'm alone. I've got tonnes of friends and a great bunch of people as my public. I wanted it this way; I fought so hard to stand on my own two feet so why should I care about feelings?

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

If you want something you go for it. No matter what the cost. There was no point in me staying. Remaining to be with him meant I wouldn't have got what I always wanted. I wanted to be seen as one of them. An equal. To all of them. To him.

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

I could have just let it continue the way it always was, and I know he still wishes it were like that, even though he'd firmly deny it if asked, but I couldn't let that happen. Not feeling what I felt. I guess that's why I don't like feelings so much. Because they start out as a little nagging in the back of your head and turn into a full-blown headache, so powerful and painful you can barely stop yourself from breaking down from the ache in your chest. But in other ways they made me realise what I wanted. I could have avoided those feelings and ignored them. But I didn't. I just wanted some contentment.

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy

I make my way to the balcony and look down to see them all sitting around a table laughing, enjoying themselves. He looks confused by the empty seat and he looks around the room, worried. I smile in spite of myself. He isn't getting up and freaking out that I'm not there. But he at least acknowledges my absence. And I take some comfort in that.

Holding on tightly

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear

It's funny how I can keep all these feelings bottled up when I'm around him but the moment he disappears, I dissolve into nothing. I can keep this charade up with all other nations but there are a few who notice it; my brother is one of them and ironically it's his sister that realises it too.

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here

I can't stand by your side, ohh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

My boss notices it also and he never says anything but I know it annoys him because he feels sorry for me. He gets on so well with his boss and vice versa and my heart foolishly flutters when people bring up the topic of our 'special relationship' but I know it's doesn't actually mean anything. Our governments are extremely close. Not us.

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy

Looking down on them, I let my gaze fall on his hand. Covered by another's. A lump is stuck in my throat and I have to swallow a few times to get it to pass. But it goes down into my stomach and turns into a knot, twisting painfully. And ow. That ache is so, so painful.

So any turns that I can't see,

like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim

Don't say anything

The worst thing is the fact that he knows. And because of that he pities me. And I hate that. I can't stand that. The looks of sympathy he sends my way when he catches me staring at him. The apologetic looks he'd give me when he would be laughing with me about something and he would touch me on the arm or something and I would just crack and he would just stand there not knowing what to do.

If only I had the guts to do what his sister told me to back in 1945 when I finally had the chance. I had done everything right and it looked like he was so happy that we were allies. My boss was reluctant to join the war and I was furious, he was in desperate need of help but when Kiku decided to attack Pearl Harbour that was it. That was what pulled the trigger and suddenly I found myself constantly over at England's, or Russia's or China's planning formations, battles and espionage. But it he was always there. And I couldn't help myself but be proud that I was in the allies. With him. As an equal.

It was when his sister had confined in me that he had told her that even though he still hadn't fully gotten over my betrayal, he couldn't ever fully hate me because…because…he loved me. He was in love. With me. And I couldn't believe it. I would have never of dreamed that my feelings would be reciprocated. And that right there was my downfall. The reason in later years I cursed myself for and never forgive myself for. Because I thought I had him and that I could take my time to prepare myself. His sister had warned me but I didn't listen.

Until it was too late.

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

The memories flash quickly through my mind and oh! The pain in my chest has intensified tenfold and I kneel over, trying to stop myself thinking about it but it's too painful and so powerful that I can't handle it.

I manage to get myself down to the large room they are all sitting and when he notices my discomfort, he's up out of seat in a flash, and kneels over me, asking me if I'm okay and when he places his hand on my back, I jolt up and bolt over to where Kiku is standing. It manages to shake the feelings off for now and I can't help myself edge closer to Kiku for comfort. He sighs because he knows and makes his way back to his seat.

His hand is once again taken and I feel my face scrunch up and he swats the hand away when he sees my reaction and he looks so sad like it was I who took his heart and crushed it with my bare hands.

The hand makes its way over to my arm and it pats me gently. I curl my own hands into fists to stop myself from ripping it to shreds. How dare it touch me? How dare it take him from me?

"Mon ami, ça va?"

I grit my teeth and mutter a "oui," disgusted that I have to use that foul, French language. I vaguely remember a time when he used to say he hated it too. I vaguely remember him and I sitting at a bar laughing about how stupid he is and now…now…

Now they have been together for 66 years. And I can remember the day so clearly because I was angry at Russia, (when wasn't I angry at Russia?) and Canada came running up to me exclaiming,

"Big brother and England! Big brother and England!"

And he needn't have said anymore but it was then that I knew. Knew I had missed my chance.

The next day his sister was round at my house and she was hurling abused at me, saying how he had waiting years, years for me to say something but he had lost faith and given up. And it was only when it was too late, when he had finally gotten over me and fallen in love with someone that I was able to tell him.

But I was too late.

I was too late.

Too late.

I am snapped out of my thoughts by Japan telling me that everyone is returning to the conference room and I sigh, saying I'll be in in a minute. I decide I'm in too much pain and I walk straight past the double doors of the conference room and as I'm walking out the door, I hear him.

"America!"

I turn slowly on my heel.

"Why are you-?"

I simply smile at him and it really, really hurts to give him a smile when I know if he returned it, I would be crumble.

"Sorry, not feeling too good so I'm going to head home."

He tilts his head to one side and sighs, his face etched with concern.

"America, I-"

I don't want to hear him apologise. Instead I shrug and say quietly, "It's okay. I know."

I know he's sorry. I know he wants to love me.

But I also know that he's happy that he's in a relationship with France. I know that he has gotten over me and loves France now.

And I knew that the day I decided to let myself be free and take chances instead of being safe, I would have such pain in my life I would sometimes wish I had never been created at all. But I knew because of that, even if I was in such pain now, someday, eventually, I would be-

Happy.

Awwww. So sad I've never done a fic where America's the depressed one so I wanted to see what it's like and I gotta tell you, it's hard! It's hard to think of America in such emotional pain because he is such a happy character! But tell me what you thought all the same! Cheers, LucyMoon1992 x