"Bells please stay home with her? Just for a year or two or five?" Quil begs yet again.
Lacy is 8 weeks old and my maternity leave is over in a month. I don't really want to go back but it scares me.
Being broke scares me, being dependent on Quil scares me, being solely responsible for Lacy scares me. But he doesn't know any of this; well I haven't told him any of this.
"I just can't Quil." I tell him.
"Why?" I tell him just because and he walks out the room. I hate when he just walks away like that but I know it's my own fault. He's mad which kills me because he's only been mad at me a few times since we've met.
He's not mad that I'm refusing to stay home, he's not like that. It's my choice, it always has been. He's mad that I won't tell him why.
We don't talk for the rest of the night and I don't sleep at all. At 3 in the morning Lacy wakes up crying and I quietly take her out of her crib, which is in our room because neither of us want her all the way across the hall quite yet, and walk quietly into the living room. I settle into the couch with her to feed her. I'm so tired, mentally and physically and emotionally. I didn't know it was possible to be this tired.
Lacy eats and falls asleep and not wanting to wake Quil I lay her in her pack in play and lay on the couch. I know I'm being stupid.
"I hate when you sleep on the couch Bells." Quil tells me as he sits next to me and pulls me into his lap.
"I hate when you don't talk to me." I tell him trying to stay mad.
"We can drop it OK? I'm sorry, you just seem so happy here with her. But I won't ever mention it again. I'm tired of fighting with you." He says rubbing his fingers through my hair knowing it relaxes me.
"I'm scared." I finally admit.
"Of what?"
So I tell him how I'm scared we won't have enough money and how I'm scared if I stay home then one day he'll leave me and I won't be able to support myself and Lacy and how if I stay home with her every problem she has will be my fault. How I'm afraid all I'll ever be is a wife and mom and I'll lose myself.
"Babe look at me." So I sit up and look at him. "I promise I will never leave you. I can't promise we'll never be broke but I can promise you I will always take care of you. And even if you stay home with her you won't be the only one taking care of her, we'll take equal blame for her when she ends up in prison." I smack him and tell him that's not funny at all. "And I won't let you lose yourself. Look at my mom; do you see her as just my mom?" He asks and I think about it no, I don't think of her like that at all. She's an amazing woman.
"But if you want to work then that's fine. My mom can keep her or we can hire a nanny or put her in daycare. Whatever you want. I just want you and Lacy to be happy." He tells me.
"I want to stay with her, I do. But I just don't know. I can't imagine putting her in daycare or leaving her with a stranger. I trust your mom but she's not me." I tell him quietly.
"Exactly babe. But your choice; I won't bring it up again. Now go to bed." He demands.
"Not tired, you go to bed, I'll stay out here with Lacy." But even as I say this is picking her up to carry her back to the room so I follow.
He wraps his arms around me and finally I fall asleep.