Chapter Eight: Turnaround
In the past, Flynn lay on the floor. He once again found himself in that cold, dark room that reeked of blood, like he did almost every night. His hands crept along the concrete, searching. He hoped it hadn't flown too far, because with his knee twisted he didn't think he could move from where he lay on his side. Near the edge of his reach, his fingers finally closed on his tooth.
There wasn't much he could do about the blood pouring from his nose and split lip, but teeth could be popped back into place if you got to them quick enough. Muscles straining, he propped himself up on one elbow and spat out a mouthful of blood. Before it could accumulate again, he pushed the tooth back into place and then lightly bit down on his thumb to hold it steady. Hopefully it would hold. He didn't want an ugly gap in his mouth after he got out of here.
That thought made him pause, and he almost would have laughed if he had the energy to spare. He hadn't actually thought about having a life after imprisonment in a long time. He rarely even thought about having a life before imprisonment. It felt like that had happened to a different person in another life.
The lock clicked and he flinched on instinct. He'd come to associate the door unlocking with imminent agony like a dog salivating at the ring of a bell. Every muscle tensed and he reflexively curled his legs up as if he could protect himself. Then he realized the person approaching him was Lady Estellise, and he relaxed. She carried a bowl and a glass of water, and Flynn suddenly found himself even more like a salivating dog than he'd first thought.
"Good afternoon, Flynn," Estellise said, kneeling next to him. "I brought you something to eat. Are you hungry?"
His stomach had stopped rumbling at least a day ago, like it had thrown in the towel and given up asking for food and just left him feeling empty and drained. He nodded, though he still had his hand in his mouth to hold his tooth in place. A warm bowl of thick chowder sat on the floor in front of him and part of him wanted to just kneel on the floor and lap it all up with his tongue, licking the bowl until there was nothing left. He still had some pride, though; he wasn't going to eat like an animal.
"Let me heal your wounds, first." She held her hands over his knee and a few seconds later he felt the tell-tale warm tingling of magical healing and his body put itself back together.
He pulled his hand from his mouth, wiped blood from his chin, and delicately tested his tooth with his tongue. It felt firm enough, so he didn't waste any more time and grabbed the bowl.
"Be careful," Estellise said while he shoveled soup into his mouth. "Don't eat too fast or you'll make yourself sick."
He forced himself to slow down, but it was hard. He'd thought he'd known what starvation was like from living on the streets, but he'd never gone this long without food before. He finished the bowl far too fast for his liking and was ready for twelve more, but Estellise hadn't brought more than one and he didn't want to seem ungrateful by asking for me.
"Here," she said, holding out a glass of water, "have a drink. You must be thirsty."
He nodded eagerly and then gulped the glass down. It was fresh and cool and felt like a miraculous rainstorm arriving to the Sands of Kogorh. "Thank you," he gasped when he finished the glass and set it down. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
"You don't have to thank me," Estellise said with a smile. "It's thanks enough to see you enjoy it."
"Did you make it yourself?"
She shook her head and blushed. "Um, no, I don't really know how to cook…"
Stupid. Of course the princess hadn't cooked it herself. What was he thinking? "I'm sorry. I should have realized."
"It's ok," she said brightly. "It would be nice to know how to cook, I think. Do you know how to cook?"
Flynn thought back to his own attempts at cooking – rather, his past life's attempts at cooking because that had been so long ago – and grimaced. "Er… no. Yuri says that if chefs were musicians, he'd be a pianist and I'd play the kazoo."
Estellise giggled. "Sounds like you're even worse than me. Who is Yuri?"
"Ah… he… he's just a friend of mine." He realized he'd never mentioned him to her before and felt embarrassed to have thrown the name out without context.
"A friend?" she cocked her head to the side. "Is he a knight, too?"
"Not anymore. We joined the Knights together, but then… he left."
"Why did he leave?"
"I don't know." He did, but it was complicated. Flynn's interpretation was that Yuri was too impatient to wait for the Knights to change. He always wanted instant gratification, and working within the rules in the hope of changing those rules years later wasn't good enough for him. Flynn understood his friend's decision and accepted it – to tell the truth, he'd found picturing Yuri as a knight hard to imagine since they were kids. He just didn't think he had the energy to explain properly in his current state. Even with Estellise's healing, he still felt the constant throbbing ache of dozens of injuries. He hadn't slept properly in days and as much as he appreciated the food she' brought he feared all it had down was awaken the ravenous beast in his empty stomach. He couldn't explain his complicated relationship with Yuri when all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep for six months.
"What's he like?" Estellise asked. "Did you know him when you were younger?"
He nodded slowly. "Yuri is… difficult. He's a sarcastic pain in the ass, to be honest." He dimly recognized that he shouldn't use such language around the princess, but his exhaustion had taken him past the point of having a filter. He sighed heavily and clarified, "Despite that, he's been my best friend since we were children. We used to do everything together. I always seemed to beat him when we played games; I wasn't trying to, but I guess I was always just a little bit older and a lit bit bigger." His voice was creaky and dry, since this was the longest uninterrupted speaking he'd done in weeks. Lately, the most exercise his throat got was screaming. He found himself rambling because he hadn't had an actual conversation in months and words tumbled out of his mouth in search of normalcy. He could almost pretend they were having a normal conversation between friends, despite the fact that he was shirtless, emaciated, covered in his own blood and countless bruises and knelt on a rough concrete floor in a dimly lit cell.
Estellise didn't seem to mind his rambling, so he went on, "We disagree about a lot of things – actually, we disagree about almost everything – but we have the same ideals and we know we'll always be there to back each other up." Flynn's cheeks twitched in the barest shadow of a smile. Just talking about Yuri made him – and the life Flynn had known before – seem so much more real.
"Oh, I see," Estellise said, nodding along. "So this Yuri person is the source of your resilience in your beliefs?"
"Well… maybe partially." He looked down at his knees. "We grew up together in the lower quarter, so my beliefs influenced him and vice versa."
"He sounds like a very… interesting person."
Flynn nodded. "He's certainly something." He glanced up to say, "But, you should be careful if you ever meet him."
"Oh? Is he dangerous?"
"I don't know if I'd say dangerous… but he can be unpredictable. He's always certain that his way of doing things is right, and doesn't listen to the law if it conflicts with his own ideals." Flynn trusted Yuri with all his heart, but for years he'd contended with the knowledge that if Yuri's personality paired with a less stringent set of morals he would easily become a villain. "Just, keep on your toes around him." He doubted Lady Estellise would ever meet Yuri. The very idea of them meeting felt bizarre in his mind, like two characters from completely different books inexplicably starring in one together.
Reminiscing about Yuri made him feel happy for… well, no. He wasn't happy, because the pathways in his brain that registered happiness had caked over with cobwebs from underuse, but peaceful contentment was such a nice reprieve from constant pain and horror that it was almost as good.
The contentedness slipped away as another thought occurred to him. "I wrote to him before I came and told him I'd visit him once I arrived in the city but… but I haven't been able to. I wonder if he's worried about me." He raised his head, slowly only because he was still so sleep deprived that fast movements made his head spin in circles, and asked, "He must have written to me. If I never answer his letters, he's sure to be worried."
Estellise frowned, and carefully shook her head. "No one has written to you, Flynn."
Flynn wrinkled his brow in confusion. "He would have."
"I'm sorry, Flynn, but you haven't gotten any letters. I've been looking for you just in case, but you haven't gotten anything."
"Nothing…?" No updates from his previous post? No requests from Hanks to come around and fix his cart now that he was back in town? Not one letter from Yuri asking what was up and why he hadn't come to say hello?"
"No. I'm really sorry." Her eyes wavered with unhappiness at having to be the bearer of bad news. "I know it really hurts to think it, but maybe those people you thought you'd hear from weren't really as good friends as you thought they were."
Flynn rested his face forehead in one blood-stained hand. "No… that can't be right."
"I sort of know how you feel," Estellise said sympathetically. "People act so nice to me to my face because I'm the princess, but behind my back they're jealous of my title and magic. You're a really strong fighter, so I bet people resent you for that."
"Well… maybe." He didn't want to disagree with her because she was the only friend he had now. "But I know that can't be the case with Yuri."
"I'm not so sure," Estellise said thoughtfully. "You said you always used to beat him in things, right? If it were me, that would make me feel really jealous."
Flynn shook his head. "No, Yuri isn't like that."
"Do you think he left the Knights because he was tired of being in your shadow?"
"That's not it."
"You said you didn't know why he left, and that sounds like a reason to me."
"He's my best friend," Flynn said stubbornly, in no condition to argue that point.
Estellise pouted and Flynn felt horrible for making her unhappy. "I'm only trying to help, Flynn. I'm worried that this friendship was bad for you. From your own words he was an unpleasant person, and if he was the one filling your head with all these wrong and misguided beliefs, he must have been a terrible influence."
There she went again, telling him how wrong he was. Flynn was so confused about this. Estellise was so nice to him and clearly cared about him, but it was so hard to buy into what she was saying. He refused to believe his ideals were really wrong. He and Yuri had sworn to fight for justice, hadn't they? Unless Estellise was right about Yuri, too…
"I know it hurts to think that you might be wrong about a friend," she rested a gentle hand on his arm, "but it's important to identify the toxic people in your life and get rid of them. It seems really backward to call someone your friend when you disagree about everything."
"If you met him, you'd understand."
Estellise frowned. "Flynn, from everything you've told me, Yuri was not a good friend to you. It's his fault you're a bad person, and I wouldn't be surprised if he manipulated you that way on purpose to make you less of a threat. You need to stop trusting him."
"But… he's Yuri."
She sighed and slumped her shoulders. "Why won't you just listen to me, Flynn?" She gently squeezed his bicep, though there was hardly any muscle left. "You would be so much happier if you'd just put your trust in me. It breaks my heart to see you obstinately refuse salvation. Because I want to see you do better, it's important to me that you see the truth about this Yuri person."
She slowly got to her feet, lightly ruffling his hair on the way up. "I need to go now, Flynn, but hopefully the next time I talk to you, you'll understand the truth about Yuri."
She picked up the cup and bowl and left the room. Flynn could almost feel the temperature of the room drop as she left.
In the present, Flynn lay in bed and staring at the ceiling. He'd spent two days doing nothing but talk with Yuri. Sometimes Karol joined them and they showed him books describing brainwashing methods. Karol said that if he understood what had been done to him he'd be able to break through it more easily. Flynn wasn't sure if that was true, because so far talking about it just reminded him of more horrific memories.
He preferred the hours when Yuri just sat and talked to him about the past. Yuri did most of the talking, because Flynn couldn't figure out which of his memories were real things that had happened, which were terrible things Estelle convinced him Yuri had done, and which were wishful thinking.
Between reminiscing about good times in the past, Yuri tried to reason with him. He raised some good points. If the torture Estelle had put him through was deserved and officially mandated by the Knights, why hadn't he been allowed to tell anyone about it? His belief in justice was what led him to feeling so miserable, except as Yuri reminded him, he'd been perfectly happy up until he met Estelle. Flynn was so exhausted and disoriented he couldn't figure out how to argue with him. He'd intended to only fake going along with Yuri to expedite getting out of here, but he could feel himself unravelling as all the things he'd clung to for years fell away.
He was confused. The world didn't make sense and he wasn't sure who he was supposed to be. All he wanted was to not be miserable anymore. The idea of being happy was so foreign he didn't even consider it. Even while working under Estelle he'd never been happy. He'd been… content. The world had made sense. He knew what he was supposed to do and what he needed to do to avoid pain.
Yuri and the others had torn that stability away from him. He had felt this way before, and recalled lying on the hard concrete in a black room, bleeding, hungry, cold, and in crushing pain. He'd stared up into the darkness and come to the conclusion that if there was any order or justice in the universe, he must deserve this treatment. He'd believed in the Knights all his life, and since everyone from fellow knights to the princess herself told him he was a terrible knight and that it was his fault for being wrong, it was easier to accept that fact than keep protesting it. He remembered hating himself and how horribly wrong he was and hating the beliefs that had led him there.
Then Estelle offered him a chance to become better. He had been so desperately miserable that he latched on to any offer of salvation. Estelle said trusting in her would make him happy, and it had. Well, it had made him not miserable at the very least. But now he was back in this state, and he desperately wanted to be himself again if he could only figure out who that was. Trusting Estelle had not made him happy. When was the last time he'd been truly happy?
It had probably been when he was with the knights in his old brigade. All the stories Yuri was telling him of their past stirred up memories he would consider happy. Really, he had no logical reason to believe Estelle's word over Yuri's. Following Estelle hadn't worked, so maybe he should follow Yuri now. Maybe if he listened to Yuri he would figure out who he was and what he should become. At the very least, giving it a shot couldn't possibly make him feel worse than he already did.
Having made the decision to trust Yuri, he rolled over on his side and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, which was still a struggle because his left lung strained to fully inflate, but he knew that would heal with time. He only hoped his head was as easy to put back together.
Yuri was in the best mood he'd been in all week when he walked down the stairs with a bowl of oatmeal. He'd never admit it, but his screaming and crying fit with Karol the other day had really taken the edge off his stress. That Flynn seemed to be getting better also enhanced his mood. Flynn was still a wreck, but it no longer seemed inevitable that Yuri would have to kill him.
He unlocked the door and entered the room with a grin, "Rise and shine, sleepy – Flynn?" Flynn was asleep, but breathing hard. He twitched and thrashed, sweat rolling down his face. The bowl of oatmeal hadn't finished wobbling from the rush of being set down by the time Yuri reached Flynn's side. "Hey, Flynn," Yuri said, shaking his shoulder. "Wake up, you're having a nightmare." He shook him a bit more roughly and shouted, "Flynn!"
Flynn's eyes snapped open, and less than a second later he bolted upright and grabbed Yuri by the throat. Yuri choked and grabbed Flynn's wrists while Flynn panted and stared at him with confused terror.
"D-dammit," Yuri choked out. "Get a – hrk – hold of yourself!" He pried Flynn's hands off his throat and took a grateful gulp of air.
For a few seconds, Flynn struggled and pulled at Yuri's grip, until realization flashed through his eyes and he jerked away, scrambling away from Yuri and pressing himself against the wall. "Oh shit, oh – I'm so sorry, Yuri. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Yuri raised his hand to massage his bruised neck, and frowned when Flynn flinched. "It's alright," he said. "I'm not mad."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Flynn said, staring at him fearfully. "I didn't mean to, I just-"
"Hey! Calm down and listen to me a second, would you?" Yuri lowered his hand and shook his head. "It's fine. I shouldn't have startled you like that. I'm not going to hit you or anything. Come eat breakfast before it gets cold."
"Alright…" Flynn said, slowly getting up and following Yuri to the table. By the time he sat down, he seemed to have come to his senses. He gazed sullenly at the oatmeal and said, "Damn… I'm a mess."
"Heh, that's putting it mildly," Yuri said, sitting across from him. "But, hey, they say the first step to getting better is recognizing you have a problem."
"Do you know what my problem is?" Flynn asked after taking a spoonful of oatmeal.
Yuri wasn't sure what to say, because Flynn had quite a few problems and Yuri was painfully aware of all of them.
After he didn't answer, Flynn said, "I'm tired. I am so tired. Despite that, I don't want to sleep because when I do, I just have nightmares."
"Ah. Well, I actually sort of know how you feel. I avoided sleep for a while, too, after I… you know."
Flynn glanced fleetingly at his chest. "Right. So, should I try to sleep anyway?"
Yuri shrugged. "I don't know. I guess all I can suggest is that you do what feels right for you."
"But… what should I do?"
"Don't ask me," Yuri said. "Er…" he looked around the room, wishing he had any kind of experience with helping mentally ill people. "Do… you want to talk about it?" He half hoped Flynn would say no, because he would have no idea what to say.
Flynn stared pensively at his oatmeal, pushing it around with his spoon. "It took ten months."
Yuri frowned. "What did?"
"From the day I was arrested for no reason to the day I was released to willingly serve Estelle."
Just like he'd feared, Yuri had no idea what to say to that. How could he even put into words how outraged he was that Flynn had been put through that? Besides, ranting at Flynn about how much of an injustice this was wouldn't help. He tried going back to a subject they'd already covered. "And, you know that this was wrong, right? You know Estelle wasn't actually trying to help you?"
Flynn slowly nodded. "It's hard to believe that. For so long she was the only person I thought I could trust. But, I trust you now and I believe you."
His chest swelled. "Alright, good." It was the first time Flynn had told him he trusted him. He was so used to hearing Flynn mindlessly say he trusted Estelle, and he hadn't realized how much he longed to hear those words. Flynn trusted him. Flynn didn't think he hated him. They could mark that down as another victory. "So, if you trust what I say… do you believe me when I tell you that you were brainwashed?"
Flynn face tightened. "I have to, don't I? It's the only thing that makes sense."
Yuri nodded eagerly, relieved Flynn was finally coming around. "You asked me why all this shit happened to you. That's why. Estelle wanted to manipulate you into being loyal to her, so she tortured you until you shattered and she could remake you however she pleased."
Flynn sighed, and then forced another spoonful into his mouth. After slowly swallowing, he said, "I guess I should be proud of how long it took to crack me."
Yuri nodded. "You're the toughest guy I know."
"Ten months…" Flynn said slowly, his grip tightening on his spoon. "They tried everything to break me. Psychological, physical… sexual." The spoon clinked on the edge of the bowl as he dropped it and then buried his face in his hand.
Yuri's insides squirmed. He really didn't want to hear the exact details, but if Flynn needed to talk, he had to listen.
"Through all that, Estelle was the only person who showed me any kindness. After endless months, I felt so alone and so broken. I can't even say I hit rock bottom because that implies a solid foundation. I was adrift and confused and all I knew was that I wanted something, anything, to save me from the pain, the guilt, and the shame. When Estelle offered me salvation, I didn't even question her."
"I understand," Yuri said. "No one blames you for what happened."
"It's like I was dead inside for the past few years. All I did was follow Lady – I mean, Estelle's orders and I never once thought about the past. It's not that I forgot I just… never remembered. Now you've woken me up and it's hitting me all at once, and every detail I remember is worse than the last."
"Well… that's better than being dead inside, right?"
"You think so?"
"I wouldn't want to be dead inside or outside."
"Oh… I suppose so." He took another spoonful of oatmeal and then pushed the bowl away.
"Are you not hungry? You need to eat to get your strength."
Flynn frowned, but pulled the bowl back. "Alright."
Yuri watched Flynn eat, reminding himself how far Flynn had come in only a week. It wasn't that long ago that he'd been totally under Estelle's thrall, and now he was on his way out. Yuri just didn't like how agreeable Flynn was being. He used to think having Flynn go along with whatever he said would be wonderful, and would certainly save him a lot of arguments, but now he found that Flynn agreeing with everything he said just didn't feel like Flynn.
Besides, Flynn shouldn't go along with him. He wanted Flynn to become the strong leader he used to be, and that wouldn't happen if he clung to Yuri. Yuri was a criminal, and not the sort of person Flynn should attach himself to. As glad as he was by Flynn's slow recovery, he worried that he was going to accidentally drag Flynn down the wrong path.
They spent the rest of the morning talking about the lower quarter. Flynn didn't seem to want to talk about his experiences any more, and now that he'd embraced the idea that he'd been brainwashed, Yuri didn't have to try to convince him of that anymore, either. Instead he told him stories about the crap they'd gotten themselves into as kids, in an effort to remind Flynn that he'd been happy once and he could get there again. Flynn seemed to enjoy the stories, although he never once smiled.
Karol brought them lunch around noon, along with a checkers board, which made up most of the afternoon. Yuri didn't take too much satisfaction in finally beating Flynn, since Flynn was far from the top of his game. Still, it was nice. Sitting there, just playing a game together, Yuri could almost pretend things were back to normal.
When evening came, Yuri packed up the board and said, "Hey, you know what? I think you've spent long enough in this crummy basement."
"You think so?"
"Yeah," Yuri said, nodding. "You should come upstairs and sleep in a proper bedroom." They'd kept him down here up until now because they hadn't been sure if they had really gotten through to him. His behaviour today, though, had convinced Yuri that he really was trying to put himself back together. More than that, Yuri didn't like the idea of leaving him alone down here to suffer through more nightmares alone. "Just promise me you won't leave on your own."
Flynn nodded. "I won't. I'll do whatever you say, Yuri."
Yuri sighed as he led Flynn out the door. "I'm not asking you to do whatever I say. I want you to make your own decisions."
"But…" Flynn seemed genuinely confused at this direction.
Yuri shook his head and decided they could leave this for another day. In the main room, they found Karol, Raven, and Judy sitting at the table eating dinner. "Hey," Yuri said, "mind if we join you guys?"
"Oh, hi!" Karol said, grinning. "It's good to see you up, Flynn."
Flynn, though, wasn't looking at him. His eyes were locked on Raven, who sheepishly waved a little.
"Maybe we should go," Judith said quietly when she saw Flynn trembling.
"No," Flynn said. "It's alright. I just - I'll eat dinner in my room. Yuri, where should I go?"
Yuri glanced apologetically at Raven and Judith, and then led Flynn to the room he was using. "Here, take my bed," Yuri said, closing the door behind him. "Flynn… you know Raven and Judy were only trying to help you, right?"
"I know," Flynn said, staring at the mattress rather than him. "I know that logically, but… I just don't think I can face them right now. Please thank them for helping me."
"Alright," Yuri said with a nod. "I can respect that. You take the bed and I'll sleep on the floor. I'll go get us some noodles and we'll eat in here." Yuri left the room and returned to the kitchen to get a couple of bowls.
"Sorry," Raven said in a low voice. "We didn't know ya'd be bringin' him up."
"It's alright," Yuri said. "He told me to thank you for helping him."
Raven sighed tiredly. "Well, I certainly didn't do it for my own health."
"It's so weird seeing him like this," Karol said, staring at the closed door. "I'm used to him being… you know…Flynn."
"Ugh, tell me about it," Yuri said, scooping spaghetti into the bowls.
"He'll get better," Judith said. "It will just take time."
"Right," Yuri said, pouring some sauce into the bowls and grabbing a pair of forks. He didn't want it to take time. He wanted his friend back now, and a tiny part of him almost wished he had never learned what happened to Flynn so Flynn could continue faking his old self. He knew it hadn't been real, but it felt real at the time, even if the real Flynn had been buried under layers of mental conditioning. He felt guilty for even thinking this.
When he returned to the room, he found Flynn sitting on the floor with Repede's head in his lap. He idly rubbed Repede's head while leaning against the bed. Repede glanced up at Yuri when he entered and Yuri gave him the tiniest of smiles to thank him for subjecting himself to affection. Repede closed his eyes, letting Yuri know he didn't mind helping Flynn at all.
"Dinner," Yuri said, handing Flynn the bowl.
"Thanks."
Yuri sat cross-legged on the floor across from him. Yuri dug in and splattered tomato sauce on his shirt within five minutes. Flynn, meanwhile, ate carefully and somehow managed not to get any sauce on his chin, a feat impossible for Yuri. Some things, at least, never changed.
Several days later, Flynn sat at the kitchen table, cheek resting on his fist, watching Yuri cook dinner. Repede sat at his feet, his back pressed against Flynn's shins. It had been a peaceful few days, for a given definition of peaceful. They hung out around the house. They talked about any subject but Estelle. Karol and Judith had started looking for a building to rent to turn into the main headquarters of Brave Vesperia, and though Flynn struggled to be in the same room as Raven or Judith without having a panic attack, he did his best to listen and offer what housing input he could.
Sometimes, he had… episodes. He still didn't know all the things that could set them off, but he had ten months' worth of horrific memories that had suddenly leapt to the forefront of his brain and cried for attention, while at the same time he desperately wished he could repress them again.
Sometimes he had no idea what set him off. He could just be listening to Yuri and Karol talk and something one of them said, or maybe the way they said it, reminded him of those endless days getting shouted at by the Royal Guard. He knew he was sitting safely in Altosk, but helplessness and dread overwhelmed him and he was left burying his head in his arms and shaking.
Other times, he knew exactly what triggered it. Yesterday morning, Raven stumbled into the main room to find some breakfast, half-asleep and fumbling with the buckle on his belt. Flynn froze up when he heard the clanking and rustle of clothing. While he could feel the soft sofa cushion beneath him, he also felt cold concrete under his knees and rough fingers gripping his hair. He heard a belt coming undone and a voice saying, "Open your mouth…"
Someone grabbed his shoulders and he shouted, and in a panic he smashed his fist out. Slowly, Yuri came into focus, clutching his cheek but staring at him in concern.
Flynn felt terrible every time he injured Yuri in a blind panic, but even though he kept asking Yuri not to put himself in harm's way, he insisted on running to Flynn's aid whenever a memory gripped him.
That was what true friendship was, Flynn realized as he watched Yuri busy in the kitchen. The understanding smacked him in the face, not because it was new but because somehow he'd forgotten it.
(Not somehow. You know why. Blood and pain and crying and darkness-)
Stop, stop, stop! I'm not thinking about that right now!
Estelle told him she was his friend but was only ever kind to him when he did what she asked, and she punished him harshly when he let her down. He'd gotten so messed up that she'd convinced him that was how true friends worked, and that she had to punish him if she was going to help him be a better knight.
He'd gotten so used to success rewarded with kindness and failure with punishment that he was confused for a while that with Yuri, both success and failure were met with kindness. Yuri didn't want anything from him except for him to feel better. It didn't matter how many times Flynn woke him up with his thrashing during a nightmare, or how many times Yuri had to reach for an apple gel after Flynn freaked out on him, he still came running and he never asked for anything in return. He never had to earn Yuri's support, he just got it. Now that he was able to see through Estelle's cloying words, he remembered that that was how it had always been between them.
He'd made the choice to trust Yuri rather than Estelle in a blind stab at trying something new that might lead to feeling better, but he was now certain that he'd made the right choice.
Footsteps came down the hall, which confused Flynn because Karol and Raven were already in the room and Judith was out. Yuri seemed confused by this too, so he set his knife down and leaned around the wall to peer down the hallway. "Rita?"
Rita entered with Harry, coming in from the door that connected to the main part of Altosk rather than the outside.
"Hey, Yuri," she said as she reached the main room. "Oh, Flynn. Uh… how are you?"
Yuri glanced at him, and Flynn settled on, "I'm alright." It was far from the truth, but he didn't want to get into just how messed up he was
"What are you doing here, Rita?" Karol asked.
"I just got here from Zaphias," she said, pulling up a chair and sitting across from Flynn. "You were right, Yuri." She pressed her forward into her hands. "You were right and I'm a moron. Sorry I doubted you."
"It's fine," Yuri said.
Raven asked, "Do you need something, Harry?"
"I wanted to check in on progress with Flynn. Seems to me like he's doing well."
"We're making progress," Yuri said, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed.
"He's not brainwashed anymore, then?" Harry asked.
Yuri waved his hand. "Ask him yourself."
Harry looked to Flynn expectantly, and he said, "Uh… I don't think I am." Of course, he hadn't known he was brainwashed even when he was, so how could he know for certain now?
"Good," Harry said. "Because we have a situation in Zaphias."
"What?" Rita said, raising her head. "Everything was fine when I left. Well… not fine because Estelle is… Ugh, you know what I mean."
"Kaufman got a message via carrier pigeon this morning," Harry said. "Her wagons aren't being let into the castle, and apparently Ioder has fallen ill."
"Guess they figured out how we got Flynn out," Yuri said. "Did it say what Ioder is sick with?"
"No," Harry said, "only that he's laid up in bed with a terrible illness that seems to be worsening."
"She's poisoning him," Flynn said softly.
In the long silence, no one had to ask who the 'she' was.
"What happens if Ioder dies?" Yuri asked.
"Estelle becomes empress," Rita said. "Guess she figured she needed more power now that she lost Flynn and the rest of us."
Karol watched them uncertainly from the sofa. "What do you think she'll do when she becomes empress?"
"I don't know," Yuri said, "but when she was a princess she tried to raise Zaude because she was bored so I doubt it will be anything good."
"Even if she has no evil plan," Raven said, "I doubt she'll be the kind of ruler who wants ta make peace with the Union and aid the lower classes."
"Bet the Council will love her," Yuri said bitterly. "Fat chance they'd depose her even if they did know the truth about her."
"We need to get to Ioder," Harry said. "And soon. If we sit around here too much longer, Ioder will die, Estelle will take the throne, and she'll appoint a new commandant. Once that happens, there's not much we can do."
"We have some time, I think," Raven said. "She'll want ta make sure Ioder's death is drawn out. A sudden illness that kills right away is too suspicious."
"How do we save Ioder?" Karol said.
"A poison bottle oughta do the trick," Raven said. "The trouble is gettin' it ta him."
"We'll have to sneak into the castle," Yuri said. "We can go in through the sewers-"
"She'll be expectin' that," Raven said. "You're the one who showed her that entrance in the first place."
"You can send someone, Harry," Rita said.
He shook his head. "Unlikely. According to Kaufman, they're not letting any guilds in."
"Dammit," Yuri said. "She knows we're going to try to heal Ioder so she's not letting anyone into the castle without her permission. Even if we managed to sneak in, even I don't think I could get past all the guards between me and Ioder himself."
"Exactly," Harry said. "There's only one person who can get past the guards, and do it easily by commanding them to get out of the way."
All eyes turned to Flynn, who suddenly understood why Harry had been so concerned to ask about his health. Flynn stared at Harry in shock. He couldn't be serious. Flynn had yet to go a day without at least two breakdowns and the thought of encountering knights from the Royal Guard, who would be wearing the same uniforms as the faceless guards from his memories-
You're not a knight, you're not even a man. He could still see Harry glaring angrily at him, but the words spun around in his head like an echo. What a waste. Can't do anything right. You should kiss the princess' feet just for taking time to notice you.
"No," Yuri said firmly, snapping Flynn back to reality. He watched Flynn with concern, since Flynn had gone nearly a minute without responding to Harry and had spent it staring at the wall with wide eyes and a pale face. "He's not ready for that kind of mission."
"He seems to be upright and not brainwashed," Harry said. "That's as good as we need. All he needs to do is walk up to Ioder and give him a poison bottle."
"And what if he runs into Estelle?" Rita asked.
"There's no reason he would have to," Harry said. "Besides, he's stronger than her. If she attacks he can easily overpower her."
"He's not going," Yuri said. "At least for now. He needs more time to recover before we throw him into action again."
"Don't you understand how important this is?!" Harry slammed his fist on the table, which made Flynn jump.
"Yeah, I do," Yuri said. "Which is why we can't send Flynn in now."
"Harry, Yuri's got a point," Raven said. "I'm not sure if we want to put all our hopes on Flynn's shoulders just now."
"It's a simple operation!" Harry shouted, rounding on Flynn, who leaned back in his chair on instinct to put more distance between himself and the angry, shouting person looming over him. Repede raised his head and growled at Harry, who ignored him and went on to say, "Flynn, you can handle it, can't you? It's not like the knights are going to stop and question the commandant. What kind of knight are you if you can't even walk through a building and give someone a bottle?"
"What kind of knight are you? Stop sniveling. You wouldn't be in pain if you'd just do what you're told."
Stop, stop, let go of my arm, please I haven't done anything wro-
No, not now, he couldn't do this -
"You still seriously believe a knight should put anything ahead of following orders? You're so fucking stupid."
No, stop, it's going to break.
"Are you even listening to me?! The world is in danger, Commandant."
"You are wrong! People like you are ruining the whole Knighthood! Where did you even get these bullshit ideas?!"
Stop, stop, please st- FUCK!
"Shut up, Harry. Flynn, hey, can you hear me?
"Stop screaming, you useless bastard; it's just a dislocated elbow. If you lose your head over something like this, it's no wonder your brigade transferred you here to get rid of you."
No, that's not tr - ARGH stop twisting , please sto-
"Flynn!"
He blinked and noticed Yuri's intense eyes right in front of his. Relief filled them when Flynn met his eyes. "I... I'm alright."
The rest of the room stared at him nervously, while Harry sulked and said, "I never thought you'd put the sake of the world after protecting your feelings."
"Shut your mouth," Yuri snapped.
"But-!"
"Not now, kid," Raven said.
"Flynn," Yuri said, leaning one hand on the table next to him. "Are you with us now?"
He nodded slowly. "Yes, I'm fine." The words sounded fake even to him. You are so not fine.
Yuri turned to Harry and gave him a furious look. "And that's why we're not sending him into the lion's den just yet."
Harry's anger hadn't died down, but he didn't argue. "Fine," he said. "I get it. Flynn is our best shot at getting someone to Ioder, though. I'll check again in a week to see if the situation's improved."
As soon as Harry left the room, Flynn lost what little composure he had and dropped his head into his hands. "Dammit," he muttered.
"It's not your fault," Yuri said, walking back to the kitchen. "Harry shouldn't have yelled at you like that."
"Kid wasn't thinkin'," Raven said. "I'll talk ta him later. I don't think he understands the whole situation."
He glanced over at Flynn, who immediately averted his eyes. He could tolerate Raven or Judith being in the same room, but he avoided any kind of interaction with them. He didn't like feeling this way because he knew that if they hadn't broken him down he would never have snapped out of Estelle's influence, but he couldn't help how anxious he felt whenever they got too close.
"Alright, now to lighten the mood let's have what we've all been waiting for," Yuri said, returning to the table with a platter. Karol and Raven came to join the others at the table, while Yuri passed out plates and sat next to Flynn. "Go on," he said, gesturing to the plate. "Eat up."
Flynn eyed the platter, frowning imperceptibly. Yuri had made calamari, and Rita, Raven, and Karol happily heaped the warm, fried squid onto their plates. Flynn found squid only slightly less appetizing than old sponges, but if Yuri told him to eat then he would do as told. Putting his trust in Yuri was his plan to stop feeling terrible, and it hadn't led him astray so far.
He put some of the fried rings on his plate and then speared one with his fork. He was about to lift it to his mouth when Yuri grabbed his hand. He flinched at the sudden touch, and Yuri immediately pulled back.
"Sorry."
"What's wrong?" Flynn asked.
"Why are you eating that?"
Flynn stared at him blankly. What kind of question as that? Yuri had made the food and told him to eat the food, and now wanted to know why Flynn was eating it? "Uh… it's dinner."
"Yeah," Yuri said, "but you hate squid. You loathe it. You once ranted to me for five minutes about precisely how terrible it was from taste to texture to smell."
The others had paused in their eating to watch with confusion.
"But… you told me to eat it."
Yuri rolled his eyes. "If I told you to eat garbage, would you do that, too?"
"You wouldn't tell me to do something that wasn't in my interest."
Yuri sighed heavily. "Flynn, you need to stop agreeing with me all the time. I'm not trying to replace Estelle, alright? Don't go from following Estelle's orders to following mine. Think for yourself."
Yuri's words hit him like a bolt. He hadn't even realized he was doing it, but Yuri was right. He looked to Yuri as his salvation just as he had previously attached himself to Estelle. That wasn't what he wanted; he wanted to be normal again. He didn't want to be dependent on Yuri.
Flynn creased his brow. He understood this, but he was also confused. Just minutes ago, Yuri had decided for him that he wouldn't go to Zaphias like Harry wanted. Now, he was saying Flynn had to make his own decisions. So, was Yuri deciding for him or not? A prickling fear crept into his mind. What if Yuri was trying to replace Estelle? What if he told Flynn they were un-brainwashing him to get his guard down, so that Flynn would never suspect he was being conditioned to follow Yuri now? If Yuri let him feel like he was in control by letting him pick the small things, like what to eat for dinner, he'd never suspect that his mind was once again under control. After all, he hadn't realized he was brainwashed, so at any given moment, how could he be sure he was thinking as himself?
"Flynn?" Yuri said. "Hey, are you listening to me?"
"Huh?"
"I asked if you want calamari or steak. I cooked one for you earlier."
"Oh…" Was this a trick question? Was Yuri just fooling him into thinking he had free will? Yuri knew steak was Flynn's favourite and of course he'd want it over disgusting calamari. This wasn't a real choice; Yuri was presenting him with an option even though he already knew what Flynn would pick and had prepared accordingly.
No, Yuri wouldn't do that. He trusted Yuri. He needed to stop being paranoid. The mere fact that he was wondering if he could be brainwashed right now meant that he wasn't… right? Or was that just what Yuri wanted him to think?
"Flynn? You're spacing out on me. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," he said quickly. "I'll have steak, please."
Yuri got up to fetch it for him while Flynn rubbed his forehead. He wasn't brainwashed anymore. He was thinking for himself and yes, maybe leaning on Yuri for now, but only until he got back on his feet. Figuring out whether or not one had free will was a question that could plague even the most stable of philosophers, so there was no point dwelling on it now when he still struggled to separate reality from memories sometimes.
The sun had gone down and Flynn was sleeping peacefully, for now at least. Over the past several days, Yuri had gotten used to waking him up from nightmares and then dodging as fast as he could before Flynn could attack him. He didn't mind so much. It was good exercise, and whatever Flynn could do to him couldn't possibly hurt more than watching him suffer through a nightmare and doing nothing.
Not wanting to disturb Flynn while he was still sleeping soundly, Yuri pulled a chair at the table sideways and faced the couch, where Rita was busy making up a bed. "So… you have a good trip?"
Rita aggressively tucked the sheet under the cushions. Yuri hadn't known it was possible to aggressively make a bed, but trust Rita to find a way. "It was uneventful." She slammed the pillow down and then whirled around and plopped down. "Yuri… I'm sorry, ok? I should have believed you."
"Nah," he said, waving his hand. "I wouldn't have believed me either."
"Yeah, no offence, but Estelle seemed a lot more trustworthy than you."
Yuri rested his arm on the back of the chair and leaned sideways against it. "I'm offended."
"You thought I was a thief when we first met. We're even."
"Fair enough."
"Ugh, I hate this," Rita said, crossing her arms. "How could Estelle do this to us? I trusted her. I… I really cared about her."
"Yeah," Yuri said, looking down. "Me, too."
Rita took a deep breath. "I can't believe she used us like that. Manipulated our feelings. I really thought… what we had… Argh!" She smashed her fist against the back of the sofa. "I am so going to make her pay for this. Nobody toys with me like that and gets away with it!"
"Hey, quiet down, would you?" Yuri said, glancing to his door. "Flynn's trying to sleep." So were Raven, Karol, and Judith, but Yuri didn't think Rita cared too much about the first of those and to be honest Yuri wasn't as concerned about the rest, either.
"Sorry," she said, crossing her arms once more and sulking. "I'm just so mad."
"Yeah. Been there."
"Sorry I tried to stop you guys from saving Flynn."
"Hey, as far as you knew, we were kidnapping him. I should thank you for looking out for him."
"I guess. How is he doing? He seems pretty shaken up, but is that better than it was?"
Yuri looked to the door again, frowning. "Yeah, it is better. At least, it's a different kind of just as bad. He was just pissed at us at first, but after a few days he cracked and now he's just…" Yuri searched for a word, didn't find one, and sighed. "He's himself, which is something. Just a really messed up version of himself."
"I wish the same option existed for Estelle," Rita muttered to her chest.
Yuri looked up with interest, not having considered this option before. "Are you positive we can't?"
"She's been like this since she was a little kid," Rita said. "It's not something she can snap out of."
"Oh," Yuri said, hopes falling again. "You know, I'm surprised we got through to Flynn as quickly as we did. I was expecting it to take longer." Like ten whole months. Yuri tightened his fists to deal with a flash of anger. Ten fucking months. He didn't have many clear details about everything that had happened, but he'd gleaned enough from Flynn's outbursts to put some of the pieces together.
The other night, Flynn had been having a nightmare and Yuri tried to wake him gently rather than shaking him out of it. He rubbed his shoulder and softly called his name, hoping this method wouldn't result in him attacking Yuri. Instead, Flynn's eyes flashed open in terror and he'd screamed, "Don't touch me!" while scrambling away from Yuri and trying to pull the blanket over himself.
Yuri had a pretty decent idea what sort of thing had inspired that outburst, and he decided he would be far happier not knowing the details of those ten months.
"It makes sense, though," Rita said. "It's always easier to break something a second time. Estelle did all the hard work for you, and besides, her job was harder from the start. She had to craft an entirely new persona for him, whereas you were just trying to pull out the one that was already there."
"I guess so," Yuri said.
Rita pulled her legs onto the couch and fell over sideways. "Now, if you don't mind, I need some sleep."
"Alright," Yuri said, standing. "Sleep well."
"Yeah, you too," she said, closing her eyes.
Yuri crept back into his room. Flynn was still sound asleep, apparently not dreaming yet. Yuri hoped it would last. He laid on the blankets on the floor, next to Repede who sat protectively by the bed. Yuri smiled a bit and rubbed Repede's head before leaning back on his pillow. At least there was someone looking after Flynn even when he wasn't in the room.