Chapter Nine: Nightmares and Daydreams

"I wish you would stop waking me up," Flynn said, staring down at the blood on his knuckles.

"Don' worry 'boud id," Yuri said, pinching his nose and holding his head back. "Jus' need am abble gel." He fumbled around on the dresser, where he'd started keeping the gels because of how often he needed them after waking Flynn up.

Yuri shook his head and rubbed his straightened nose when he was down. "Thanks. Man, you sure pack a punch."

"I'm sorry," Flynn said. It felt like every other word he said was an apology, but after everything he'd done, that was how it should be.

"I told you not to worry about it," Yuri said.

Flynn wiped his knuckles on his other hand and sat back down on the edge of the bed. Yuri kept waking him up every time he had a nightmare, and while he appreciate the relief from reliving the horror over and over, knowing that every time he woke up he lashed out in a confused frenzy and hurt Yuri made him feel even worse. He wanted to ask Yuri to stop sleeping in the same room as him so that maybe he wouldn't notice when Flynn was having a nightmare, but – and he felt pathetic even admitting this to himself – he was afraid of sleeping alone.

There were two reasons for that, actually. The first was simply that he didn't feel safe. He didn't want to lie in bed thinking about how easy it would be for Estelle's knights to come crashing through the window and capture him again while he was unarmed and scatter-brained. With Yuri and Repede in the room, he felt at least somewhat secure.

The second reason was that when he lay awake, dreading falling asleep because of the inevitable nightmares, it was comforting to hear Yuri and Repede's slow breathing. Yuri slept on the hard floor for nights in a row because he would do anything to help Flynn. It told Flynn that he would be devastated if something were to happen to him, and it gave him the motivation to keep pressing forward.

He really needed this, because sometimes when he lay awake in the dead of night, hating himself and his life, his mind drifted to alternative ways out. He never mentioned these thoughts to Yuri during the day because he knew it would terrify him, but wondered if Yuri has suspicions. After all, you'd have to be naïve to not think that someone in Flynn's position might consider suicide.

It wasn't that he wanted to die. What he wanted was to feel like himself again. The trouble was that some nights, when the prospect of ever feeling normal again seemed impossibly far away, he wondered if maybe being dead would be preferable to the way he felt now. Besides, if he didn't know if he was really in control of himself, and if someone could potentially hurt lots of innocents with him, killing himself would actually be the responsible thing to do.

He never told Yuri about these thoughts in the morning. Usually, being around friendly, supportive people in the light of day made the future seem less bleak and it was easier to believe that there might be a light at the end of this tunnel. So it was daytime Flynn who never dared suggest Yuri let him sleep alone, because he was terrified that without the physical reminder that Yuri would be devastated if he committed suicide, he might one day go through with it. He was even more afraid that someday, that wouldn't be enough.

"Uh, Flynn?" Yuri waved his hand a few inches from Flynn's face. "You still with me?"

Flynn blinked, realizing he'd spaced out again. He did that a lot lately. He was just glad his wandering mind had gone to musing about suicide options rather than reliving some memory again. It really said something when thinking about killing himself was the better of two options.

He recalled what they'd been talking about before he let his mind drift. "I don't want to hurt you, Yuri. I've done that enough."

"Drop it," Yuri said. "There's no way I'm going to sit back and watch you suffer without waking you up, so just deal with it, alright?"

Flynn hung his head with a sigh. "Fine." Yuri never did what he asked when it came to big things. The day after Harry came, Flynn asked to go to Zaphias and try to get to Ioder so he wouldn't feel so useless. Yuri shot him down, claiming there was no way he was mentally fit to deal with that. After some convincing, Flynn had come to agree with him.

The next day, Flynn wanted a sword. It felt like it had been ages since he'd swung a sword around and he thought it would make him feel better. After some discussing with Raven, Yuri had decided not to let him. He had a compelling argument: when saying the wrong thing or holding a knife around him the wrong way could spark a freak out that ended in him lashing out violently at anyone who got too close, it might be best not to put a weapon in his hand.

"You know," Flynn said, "you can't keep making all these decisions for me."

"You're not well, Flynn," Yuri said. "I'm just taking care of you until you get on your feet again."

It was all the same. Estelle made decisions for him because she was his 'friend'. Yuri made decisions for him because he 'wasn't fit'. Yuri's explanation made sense and he was always rational about the things he didn't let Flynn do, but Estelle had always seemed rational, too. He was still torn over the possibility of being brainwashed by someone else. How could he possibly know if he actually had free will or not?

"How long will that be?" Flynn asked. "How long until I'm... 'better'." The thought of being better seemed very far away and unrealistic. He recalled being a very young child and accidentally dropping his mom's favourite vase. It had shattered into pieces, and in a panic he'd tried to glue it back together before his mom came home. It didn't matter how much glue he used; once something was broken you couldn't just put it back together and expect it to function the same as it always had.

"I don't know," Yuri said, "but we'll get there. Hey, get dressed, would you? I was thinking we'd go out today."

"Go out?" he asked, as if the concept was foreign. In a way, it was. He hadn't left the building since he'd gotten here. The last time he'd gone out in public, he'd still been... that other him. The one that had done terrible things that made his chest ache. He wasn't sure if it really was a different him, because it had still been him. He was the one that decided to put his faith in Estelle, and decided that following her orders was infinitely more important than doing the right thing.

"Yes," Yuri said. "Outside. It's this strange world without a roof filled with a magical thing called fresh air. Ever heard of it?"

"Where are we going?"

"I want to pick up some things, and Karol and Judy say they've picked a potential building for our new guild headquarters. I want to check that out."

"Do you need me to come with you?"

"No, but I think getting out would be good for you."

"I... I guess so," Flynn said, his heart speeding up slightly. Damn, what had happened to the guy who could charge into danger without any concern for his own safety? Oh, yeah, he'd been tortured and used as a mindless slave for two years.

"Great. Get dressed and meet me in the main room."

Yuri left, and Flynn looked down at Repede as if hoping the dog would get him out of this. Repede growled slightly, which Flynn interpreted as telling him to pull himself together and go outside. With a sigh, he grabbed the clothes that Yuri had bought for him, since he'd come here in hospital pyjamas.

He pulled off his shirt and looked down at his chest with a sigh. He'd never questioned those scars until now. How the hell could he have let his head get so profoundly screwed up? His fingers grazed the raised white line cutting across his chest.

"Your ideology is wrong. Your beliefs are incorrect. Anyone who encouraged you otherwise was a false friend trying to lead you astray."

"Th-that's not... n-not true."

"I'll stop cutting when you agree with me."

"Arrrgh... I'm not wrong."

"Say it. Tell me you're wrong. You know it's true; are you too cowardly to say it aloud?"

"I won't - ah! Hnng..."

"You really want to see how much blood you can lose before Lady Estellise takes pity on you and keeps you from dying?"

"Hah...f-f-fine. I'm wrong. Are you f-fucking happy?"

"With more conviction this time."

"Argh!" Flynn shouted as pain shot through his hand and he jerked away from Repede, who barked at him. He panted, and with the hand Repede hadn't bitten he rubbed his chest to get rid of a phantom ache.

Yuri popped his head through the door. "You ok?"

Flynn scrambled to pull his shirt over his chest and cover himself. It was stupid, he knew. It wasn't like Yuri had never seen him shirtless before. He just couldn't stand feeling exposed to anybody, even Yuri. "I'm fine," Flynn said. "I was just... I was thinking. Repede bit me. Don't worry about it."

"Alright..." Yuri said, glancing between him and Repede and then slipping out the door again.

That scar was over two years old, dammit. He hadn't thought about the day he got it since he left captivity. He wished he could go back to never thinking about what had happened and being able to act totally normal. Sure, he'd only been able to act normal because his brain had been scrambled Putting on a show to pretend you were normal was far from actually being normal, but it was easier than the volatile mess he was now.

"Is everything alright?" he heard Judith ask from the kitchen.

"Yeah," Yuri said. "Well, as close to alright as he's been lately."

"That's too bad," Judith said. "I really wish there was something we could do to help him recover faster."

"I don't wanna be a real downer here," Raven said, "but ya might be gettin' ahead of yourself. I'm not sure fully recoverin' is a realistic expectation here."

Flynn paused with his shirt hovering above his head, his interest horrifyingly piqued.

"What are you saying?" Yuri said. "Of course he's going to recover. Flynn's resilient; he can bounce back from anything."

"I've seen this kinda thing before," Raven said. "Back in the Great War we called it battle fatigue. Some guys experienced horrible crap and they just broke down - started havin' nightmares and flashbacks like Flynn here."

"How did they get better?" Judith asked.

"They didn't," Raven said. "I mean, yeah, the symptoms became less extreme with time, but I've run inta some of the guys I knew in the years since and they're still affected by it. It's not about gettin' the symptoms ta go away, it's more learnin' to live with 'em."

Flynn let the shirt fall over him and then leaned forward with his head in his hands. He was never going to stop feeling like this? He had ten months' worth of memories to revisit, and that wasn't even counting the guilt he felt for the things he'd done under Estelle's command. He'd hoped at the very least he could look forward to a future without these memories threatening to overtake him every time something vaguely reminded him of them, but apparently even that was too much to hope for.

Fully dressed, he left the room. "I'm ready to go," he said, and Yuri jumped up from the table.

"Great. Let's go get some fresh air."

Flynn wasn't sure if he'd call the air outside 'fresh'. It was damp from rain overnight and the air was filled with the scent of dead worms and wet dirt. He followed Yuri away from Altosk, unable to shake the feeling that he was like turtling walking away from his shell. He felt so exposed out here, like danger lurked around every corner. Yuri carried a sword as always, but he didn't have one and how could he protect himself if anything happened?

Not that he was going to need to protect himself. He was in Dahngrest, not roaming the unexplored fields of Hypionia. Besides, maybe it was better he wasn't armed. The last time he had a sword in his hand, he'd tried to kill Yuri. He glanced at his friend's back as his chest flopped with guilt. At least he hadn't succeeded, unlike the other innocents who'd suffered because he followed Estelle's orders. That wasn't going to happen ever again, though. He had control of his own mind again.

At least, he thought he did. There really wasn't any way to be certain.

"It's right around the corner over here," Yuri said when they reached the end of the street. They rounded a corner and Yuri pointed at a dilapidated building at the end of the street. "Ta-da."

"It... looks like a bit of a fixer-upper." The roof was caved in, decades-old paint peeled from the rotting window frames, and not a single window had a complete set of glass panes.

Yuri put his hand on his hip and announced, "Brave Vesperia's not afraid of a little work."

"A lot of work," Flynn said, walking closer. "Is it even structurally sound?"

"It's fine," Yuri said. "Judy says the foundation is alright, we just need to do some rebuilding."

"Where are you getting the money for this?" Flynn asked. "Can you even afford the down payment on the property?"

"Er... well, we figure we're going to have to take out a loan from Kaufman," Yuri said.

They stood at the entrance to the building now, and seeing it up close didn't make Flynn any more confident that it would even be safe to enter.

"It sucks being in debt right as we're starting out as a guild, but we don't have any other options. The original plan was to borrow the money from Estelle, but..."

It didn't need to be explained further. Flynn ran his hand along the doorframe, careful to avoid splinters. He was afraid merely touching it would make the whole thing collapse. "I can lend you the money." The loose windows rattled in the strong wind. "I've got a huge salary as commandant." He hadn't thought too much about his job. He'd been so concerned with all the horrible things he'd done while serving Estelle that he hadn't dwelled on the one positive.

"I don't want charity from you," Yuri said. "We'll keep this between the guilds."

"Just as well," Flynn said. "I don't deserve to be commandant anyway."

"What? Sure you do."

"The only reason I got promoted is that Estelle thought I'd be more useful as a captain," he said, staring at the peeling paint on the door. "After you rescued her at the castle, she's the one who found Ioder and talked him into appointing me as Alexei's successor."

"Well... that doesn't mean you didn't deserve it."

"Really?" Flynn looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. "Out of all the knight captains in the empire, I'm the only one with notable victories under my belt? I'd only been captain for a couple of months. There are dozens of men and women more qualified than me, but I got the job because Estelle needed a puppet at the head of the knights."

"Think of this as a silver lining, then," Yuri said. "I still think you're the best man for the job, even if you did get it because of connections."

He wasn't even sure if he wanted the job anymore. The idea of using his position to make positive changes in the empire seemed like an ideal way to atone for the things he'd done, but the risk of abusing his power or being used was too great. He could never definitively know if his actions were his own or if he'd been brainwashed again. Besides, if Raven was right and these horrible memories would never fully leave him, trying to command troops might be impossible without breaking down.

"Are you alright?" Yuri asked.

"Hm? Yeah," he said, looking over. Yuri seemed concerned, no doubt worried Flynn was caught in a memory again. "Just thinking. I'm sure you'll manage to fix this place up. It will look great when you're done."

Yuri grinned. "Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I can't wait until we're an established guild. We've already got a some solid footing thanks to our help with the Adephagos, but once we have an office it's gonna be official."

"Help with the Adephagos?" Flynn raised an eyebrow. "Yuri, your group almost single-handedly took care of it."

Yuri started walking away, waving his hand. "Nah, it was nothing."

Flynn followed, shaking his head wearily. He would never understand Yuri's complete refusal to take credit for the good things he did.

They left the building behind and headed through the streets to the market. The closer they got to the shops, the more crowded the streets became. Flynn recoiled whenever someone bumped into him and keeping track of everyone around him left him feeling more stressed than he had in days. He felt like a rabbit, with ears swivelling around at the slightest sound and all muscles poised to run away at a second's notice. It was stupid to be so hyper alert, but he couldn't relax. He hated feeling so skittish and for the thousandth time he wished he could go back to normal.

They stopped at a stall to pick up some apple gels, and Flynn tried not to feel helplessly guilty about the fact that Yuri had gone through so many of them because of him. He couldn't help lashing out at anyone in the room in the first minute or so after jerking awake from a nightmare, and that always ended with Yuri getting hurt.

"Man, would you look at that," Yuri said as they walked away from the stall. "The price went up."

"Did it?"

"Some bullshit about the new peace treaty with the empire making trading more expensive. Man, these clowns will make any excuse to get more gald out of you."

"That's annoying," Flynn said, not really paying too much attention. He was busy scanning the crowd on the street for potential danger.

"And they know they can get away with it, too, because everyone needs apple gels."

"You don't need them," Flynn pointed out, finally looking back to Yuri. "Bandages and traditional first aid can go a long way."

"Yeah," Yuri said, "but the only reason you would need those is if you can't afford apple gels. So, the rich get all their injuries taken care of while the poor have to deal with bandages. It's screwed up."

"You're right. It's not fair."

They stopped at another stall so Yuri could pick up food for dinner. Within seconds, Yuri voiced his displeasure at these prices, too. "Are you kidding me?" Yuri said. "That chicken had better have been fed gold dust to warrant that price tag."

The vendor crossed his arms. "We're low on supplies. People panicked and thought the world was going to end a couple weeks ago and splurged on feasts. Now there aren't as many chickens left on farms."

"Come off it," Yuri said. "It's just chicken."

Flynn said, "If you're worried about money, I could-"

"No," Yuri snapped, causing Flynn to quickly step back with a flinch and a spike of fear.

Stupid, stupid, you're not afraid of Yuri. Pull yourself together.

"Ah, sorry," Yuri said quickly, guilt washing over his face. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's fine," Flynn said stiffly, turning away before the vendor could give him another look. He didn't want random strangers wondering why he was so jumpy and fragile. He walked away from the stall to leave Yuri to debate the price of chicken in peace. He stepped off to the side of the street and leaned against the wall with his arms feet close together, still feeling dumb for getting scared by Yuri snapping at him.

This shows you're not under anyone's control, he thought. No one would manipulate you into becoming a jumpy, paranoid wreck. What would be the point of that?

Unless that was just what they wanted him to think…

He didn't even know who he thought was brainwashing him. He didn't consciously suspect Yuri of anything, there was just a nagging fear at the back of his mind that he would spend the rest of his life never knowing if he was actually operating on his own decisions or if he was being controlled again. Thoughts of some of the things he'd been compelled to do under Estelle's orders curdled in his mind, mixed with guilt and horror.

"Hey, ain't that the commandant?" said a voice.

Flynn's head jolted to the side as his heart skipped a beat. A man and a woman paused on the street, looking at him curiously. No, you're wrong, move along and please don't recognize me, Flynn thought.

"I think so," said the woman. "Hey," she took a few steps toward him, "what do you think you're doing in Dahngrest? We don't take kindly to empire types around here."

"Nothing," Flynn said, unable to meet her eyes. His heart pounded and he pulled his arms closer. He couldn't handle a confrontation. "I'm just… visiting a friend."

"Surprised to see him," the man said. "I read in the papers a week or so ago that he almost got killed."

The woman snorted. "Too bad it didn't hold. The last commandant was a piece of crap, and I'm not expecting this new one to be much better."

"True enough," he companion said. "What good ever came from the Knights, anyway?"

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Flynn said diplomatically. "I hope to reform the Knights so that they are more beneficial to everyone." Go away and leave me alone.

"Oh, yeah?" the woman said. "How?"

"I can't give precise details at this time."

"Hey, I've got some suggestions," the man said, stepping closer to Flynn. "Why don't you start by taking the whole Knighthood and shoving it up your ass?"

He was bigger than him, but Flynn tried not to let that get to him. He failed in that attempt. His heart pounded as the bigger guy loomed close and his fingers twitched for a sword. A strong part of him wanted to call out to Yuri, but he fought that urge down. He needed to pull himself together and not cling to Yuri for every little thing. That's what Yuri kept telling him, wasn't? Make his own choices; don't transplant his attachment to Estelle onto him.

"If you have suggestions, please mail them to my office in Zaphias," Flynn said, trying to put an end to this on his own. It took effort to keep his voice from shaking. Dammit, pull yourself together! You are a knight; you don't get jittery just because someone is standing too close to you. Even if the person is bigger and likely stronger and could easily overpower you, pin you down and break you…

Not doing this. Not now.

Besides, you're not even a knight. You're pathetic…

Not doing this! He took a tight breath while the street became blurry around the edges. He felt like he was holding back an ocean of panic with a paper umbrella. "If you'd please excuse me," he said, taking a step back in Yuri's direction.

"Hey!" the man barked, reaching for him. "We're not done talking, yet." He grabbed Flynn's elbow and yanked him back.

…his shoulders strained as the rope around his wrists yanked his arms up behind his back. Flynn grunted and bit down on his already-bloody lip to hold in a scream. His bare feet couldn't reach the ground, all his weight hanging from his shoulders and his arms behind his back.

He panted for breath, struggling to think clearly through the haze of agony. He couldn't think. He thought he'd been here for months, but he'd lost all track of time and it may have been years. He had lost all sense of identity in a sea of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. He didn't know what exactly he'd done wrong, just that he was wrong, so wrong and so stupid and so deserving of this misery.

"Even a moron like you knows why this is happening, right?" one of the knights said. It was his old friend with the aftershave, whom Flynn would have found somewhat intimidating even if he wasn't tied up and at his mercy.

"No," he gasped, staring at the floor. He didn't have a choice in that, since with his arms jerked up behind him his body was forced to bend to keep his shoulders from dislocating. "Please…"

"You're suffering because you still think 'making people smile' or whatever that shit you said is more important than following orders. It's those stupid ideals that are making you feel guilty and miserable."

With great effort, he raised his head enough to look at the knight, though of course he couldn't see his face behind the helmet. Was that… true? He'd heard it before but this time… it made so much sense. He felt so rotten and wretched right down to his core that of course it was the ideals he held there that made him feel this way. This realization gave him relief. It wasn't him that was worthless and shameful and wrong, it was his beliefs. If he let them go, he wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

"Y-yes," he forced out. Every second he hung like this felt like an hour. His arms had practically gone numb, and he hoped they would soon so at least they'd stop hurting. "You're right… I was s-so wrong… I need to… I n-need Lady Estellise."

The pair of knights looked at each other, and then the shorter one left the room. Flynn had hoped they'd let him down while they went to get her, but no such luck. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, waiting it out and hoping his shoulders didn't dislocate.

"What, you finally realized why you're so stupid?" Aftershave said. "Never thought I'd see that."

Flynn didn't answer. He hated this man. He hated all of the knights, but this one always seemed to take a particular pleasure in the job. He'd never seen his face, but his voice had etched itself in his mind and just the faintest whiff of his aftershave sent chills through him.

"As pleased as I am that you've finally seen the light," the man said, passing the rope from one hand to the other. The shift caused Flynn to swing slightly, send stabs of agony through his arms. "I'll be sad to see you go."

His hand settled on Flynn's bottom, and he flashed his eyes open. The knight smirked at him and squeezed. "After all the fun we've had, huh?"

Flynn kicked and struggled to get away from that hated touch. Struggling sent fire through his arms that managed to burn even fiercer than fire shooting from the man's fingertips. "D-don't…"

The door opened and Lady Estellise entered the room, like an angel descending from heaven. The knight dropped his hand and turned to her at attention. Estellise gave Flynn a sympathetic look and said, "Let him down."

Aftershave let the rope slide over the beam above their heads and Flynn dropped a few inches to the ground. His arms lowered and only the knight grabbing his upper-arm kept him from toppling over. Flynn's skin crawled at his touch. He never wanted this man to touch him, ever again, for any reason.

"Flynn," Estellise said softly, "the knight told me you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes," he panted. "I… I'm sorry. You were right. You were al-always right."

"What was I right about?"

"I had it all wrong. I have such… wrong beliefs… I should have listened to you."

"Does that mean you will follow any order I give?"

He nodded quickly, eager to please her.

"And you understand that 'justice' doesn't really exist, and you were a fool for believing in it?"

He nodded again, slower this time because he was so ashamed of how stupid he'd been.

Estellise smiled brightly. "Oh, I'm so happy for you, Flynn! You finally understand. I knew you could do it."

Her kind words soothed him like she'd actually casted First Aid. Yes, he wanted to make her happy. She was so kind to him. She was the only person he could really trust, the only friend he had. Just knowing he'd pleased her made the pain in his arms feel less.

"Ok, Flynn," Estellise said, "I'm going to get you out of here and then there's something you need to do for me. There's a maid that's been annoying me. I need you to kill her."

An electric shock ran through him as he stared at her in sudden clarity. "K-kill her? But… but she hasn't done anything…." Justice may not exist, but killing an innocent person was still wrong… wasn't it?

Estellise's face fell. "Oh, Flynn," she said sadly. "I'm sorry. That was a test, and you failed." She caressed his face and then leaned forward and gently kissed his cheek. "Don't worry, we'll get through to you soon."

She left the room, Flynn staring desperately after her. What had he done wrong?! He trusted Lady Estellise to be right about everything, but killing an innocent… could he really be wrong about that, too? "No!" he cried as he watched her go. "Come back! Please… please don't l-leave me here…"

"I'm not going anywhere, Flynn, now just look at me!"

The knight jerked on the rope, wrenching him into the air with a scream.

"How'd you manage to fuck that one up?!"

"Flynn, come on, it's me, it's Yuri."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Flynn sobbed, barely able to hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears.

"You are in Dahngrest. Do you hear me?"

"What do you expect?" the other knight said. "He fucks everything up."

The knight lessened the pull of the rope just slightly enough that Flynn was able to put some of his weight on his toes. "Yeah, you're right." He laughed, and then jerked Flynn back up again. "The only thing he doesn't fuck up is being fucked."

His arms weren't in their sockets anymore. It hurt so deeply but he almost didn't care because he deserved this. He deserved feeling this agony for letting Lady Estellise down. He had to stop thinking these things. He needed to stop putting other people before Lady Estellise's orders. How else would he ever repay her for the kindness she showed him?

"Look at me, Flynn. Can you hear me? You need to snap out of this."

Someone shook his shoulders. No! Stop! His shoulders hurt so much, he was afraid they'd never work properly again.

"Come on, please…"

He dangled in the air, panting for breath and struggling to hold in screams, but there were also hard cobblestones beneath his knees and…

He looked up and saw a blurry blob through tear-soaked eyes. He didn't know who it was and he panicked, falling backward (when had he gotten to his knees?) and scrambled away.

"Flynn!" Yuri's voice was recognizable and Flynn blinked to dispel the tears.

The dark blob took form as Yuri. Flynn stared up at him in shock, and then glanced around the street to figure out where he was. Dahngrest. That's right, they were in Dahngrest. That had happened over two years ago. He was in Dahngrest, he was with Yuri, and everything was fine now. A small crowd had gathered around the street corner, watching with curiosity. Shame burned on his cheeks, embarrassed that he'd made a scene.

"Are you alright now?" Yuri asked, crouching in front of him.

Flynn nodded slowly. "Uh… I… I think so."

"Ok, come on." He held out his hand and let Flynn reach back and take it. He pulled Flynn to his feet and said, "Sorry. I shouldn't have brought you here. Let's go somewhere with less people."

Flynn nodded mutely and let Yuri lead him away. He barely noticed where they were going, his mind still stuck in a disoriented haze. A deep, throbbing ache settled in his shoulders, which was ridiculous because that had been done to him over two years ago. It was in the past, so why couldn't he shake the terror as if it happened five minutes ago?

Before he realized it, they'd reached the Union headquarters again. Rather than lead him back to the wing they were using, Yuri took him through a side hallway and up a couple flights of stairs. When they walked through a door, Flynn found himself on the roof. The central tower of the building was behind them, and a waist-high stone wall surrounded this section of roof.

"I found this place when I was wandering around while you were still…" Yuri glanced over at him. "You know. With Raven and Judy."

"Yeah."

Yuri walked to the edge, tossed the bag of apple gels at his feet, and leaned against the wall, the strong wind whipping his hair back. "It's got a great view of the city."

Flynn followed him to the edge and looked down. The twisting streets of Dahngrest curved away from the Union headquarters like snakes, and the dark, overcast sky did nothing to brighten the endless brown shingle roofs. "It's nice, I guess." He leaned over to see how high up they were, and his stomach flipped at just how far from the ground they were. Yuri was probably used to it since he spent so much time flying around with that Entelexeia, but all Flynn could think about was how a fall from this height would definitely be lethal.

"I'm sorry about what happened back there," Yuri said. "I should have been paying more attention."

"It isn't your fault," Flynn said. "It's my problem. I don't want to burden you with it."

"Man, now I know how annoying it is to be on the other side of this," Yuri said. "I don't think it's a burden to help you. You don't have to do this alone, alright?"

"Do you remember that story my mom read to us when we were really little, about the girl who opened the box and evil came out? In the book of old myths?"

Yuri nodded. "Yeah, sort of. Why?"

"That's how I feel. When you and your friends broke Estelle's hold, you opened the box. All these memories and horrible feelings were locked away but they're all spilling out now and no matter how hard I try I can't close the box."

"It's good to get them out, though, isn't it?" Yuri said. "I know it sucks having them come out, but at least they're not locked up in your head anymore."

"It feels pointless," Flynn admitted. "How am I supposed to carry on with the rest of my life when I might freak out and relive that crap all over again? What if these memories never stop?"

"Well… maybe," Yuri said. "But think about it. I remember that story, and at the end, when all the evil had flowed out of it, the only thing left in the box was hope."

Flynn thought about this. He hadn't considered that there might be hope buried deep under all these horrors. He hadn't felt real, true hope for the future in such a long time… if he could just get through this all, maybe he would feel better. Surely getting it out there would be better than letting it fester inside him. "Yuri… would it bother you to hear about it?"

"Hm? What part?"

"All of it," Flynn said, looking at the rooftops because it was easier. "I want to get this all out. I don't want to let it rot in my head anymore."

Yuri hesitated for only a second. He turned around and sat down with his back against the wall to get out of the wind and said, "You can tell me anything."

Flynn sat next to him, stretching his legs out and rotating his shoulders for a second to dislodge lingering phantom pain. "Thanks. I want to tell you the full story."