Chapter Eleven: On the Edge

Yuri barely even noticed the passage of time as he tore up the steps. He might have left Rita on the street two seconds ago. All the way up, he kept imagining Flynn jumping before he could reach him. What if by the time he reached the top, Flynn was already on the ground? What if the last time he would ever see Flynn alive had been that solemn silhouette he'd seen from the street?

No, dammit, I am not going to let that happen! He managed to get even more speed behind his legs and cleared the last few steps to the door. It slammed against the brick wall as he rushed out onto the same rooftop they'd sat on earlier that day. He had never been more relieved in his life to see Flynn's back.

Flynn stood on the low wall that surrounded the roof. The wind fluttered his hair, but otherwise he didn't move. Yuri gaped at him, trying to get words out when his throat seemed sealed shut by adrenaline and it was all he could do to gasp for air after his frantic sprint up the stairs.

Flynn didn't turn his head, but he said, "Hello, Yuri. Don't come any closer."

Yuri froze mid-step. Instantly obeying Flynn's orders wasn't something he usually did, but he was terrified that doing the slightest wrong thing would push Flynn over the edge – literally. "Ok," Yuri said, trying to calm down. "Alright, I'll stay here." He stood midway across the roof, the gravel digging into his freezing feet. He wondered if Flynn could hear his hammering heart, and if knowing how terrified he'd made Yuri would get him down. "We can talk from here. Let's talk."

"How would that help?" Flynn asked, staring at the ground.

"It seemed to help you earlier today." At least, he'd thought it did. Damn, what if getting Flynn to spill his guts had had the opposite effect? What if going through everything that had happened to him had overwhelmed him? Fuck, Yuri was not good at talking out emotional problems. This was the sort of thing he would have left to Estelle before. What the hell was he supposed to say? The pressure to say the right thing lest Flynn take one more step forward filled him with more anxiety than he'd felt facing Duke.

"Whatever you're feeling now," Yuri tried, "it will pass. There is so much more you can do with your life! You can't end it now. If you do, things will never get any better." He was only partially-aware of what he was even saying. He was so lost on how to handle this, he'd decided to just throw supportive words at Flynn and hope something would stick.

"I don't want to die," Flynn said.

"Oh." He felt a sliver of relief. "Ok. That's, uh, that's a good sign. You know, a really good way to not die is not to stand on the edge of the roof."

"This is about free will."

"How about using that free will to choose to step down off the ledge?" Every muscle twitched with desperation to run forward, tackle Flynn, and drag him down, but he was afraid if he started running, Flynn would jump before he could reach him.

"How do I know that's my choice though?" Flynn asked. "But, I figure, if someone is trying to use me, and I'm useless if I'm dead, then there's no way someone would brainwash me to jump off a roof."

"That's because jumping off a roof is a really bad idea," Yuri said. "Just step down. Please."

"If I jump, it means I have free will."

"Yeah, for about five seconds," Yuri said. "You don't have any will, free or not, when you're dead. Is that worth it?"

"At least I'd know," he said, so quietly his words were almost swallowed by the wind.

"Come on, Flynn, please… think this through. You've never been the reckless sort."

"I've been thinking about this for days," Flynn said. "It feels like I'm choosing between a brief few seconds of knowing for sure that I am in control of my life, or spending several more decades wallowing in traumatic memories and never sure if I really am making my own choices. I heard Raven this morning; this isn't something that's going to go away."

"Maybe it won't completely go away, but you can learn to live with it. We swore on our swords that we would fight to make people smile. Did you just forget that? You can't make anybody smile if you're dead."

"But it's too much of a risk! If I'm the commandant, and someone controls me, then I could seriously hurt people. I've already hurt people, and I was just a lieutenant and a captain. I can't stand living in uncertainty."

"Alright… alright… But, do you have to do this now?" Yuri tried. He was losing feeling in his toes, but the rest of his body already felt numb so he hardly noticed. "Step down from there. We'll talk about this."

Flynn finally turned his head away and looked at Yuri over his shoulder. Yuri's stomach flipped to see the paranoid fear directed his way. "But what if you're manipulating me, too?"

"What? I'm not!"

"How can I know? If you really want me to make my own choices, why won't you let me make this one?"

Yuri struggled to remain calm. "Because this is a stupid choice." He clenched and unclenched his fists; he couldn't stand how useless he felt just standing here. "Please, Flynn." A mental image of Flynn stepping over the side and dropping out of his life forever played over and over in his mind. "Please, don't do this."

"All I want is to know that I control my life. If that means ending it, well… I don't feel like I'm really giving up something worth keeping."

"It's worth it to me," Yuri insisted. "And everyone else who loves you."

Flynn closed his eyes with a pained look. "I'm sorry, Yuri. I'm sorry I have to hurt you again." He took a deep, shuddering breath and said, "I admit that I'm scared… but maybe I'll be better off."

"No…" Yuri said, desperately scrambling to find anything to say.

"I feel like this is the first real choice I've made for myself in three years. Can't you be happy for me?"

"Hell no!" Yuri said. "Would it help if I got on my knees and begged?"

"Don't," Flynn said. "You're not the begging sort, Yuri."

"No, but if it would get you down from there I'd wear a tutu and tap dance through the lower quarter."

"Yuri… thank you."

Hope glimmered. "For what?" For talking him out of it? Please let it be for talking him out of it.

"For being such a good friend to me even when I didn't deserve it."

The hope smashed. That had sounded an awful lot like a goodbye. "Flynn…" he said, unable to get his voice out cleanly. "Please…"

"Tell Sodia I'm sorry. Everyone else back home, too. Tell them I'm thankful for-"

"Tell them yourself!" Yuri shouted.

He couldn't hold back anymore and started walking forward, but froze when Flynn snapped, "Stay back!" He twisted quickly, and wobbled on the ledge. Yuri couldn't breathe until Flynn managed to stabilize himself again. "Don't try to stop me, Yuri. I want to make my own choice! For the first time years, I'm making a decision as me. I'm taking control of my life, even if only for a few more seconds."

Logical thought vanished from Yuri's mind. All he heard was an endless stream of 'no' and 'fuck'. Flynn was going to jump. He was really going to do it. Yuri had failed to talk him down and now he was going to lose the best friend he had ever had. He had to do something, anything! He always went to Flynn's aid if he was in trouble, but now when Flynn needed it the most, when he was literally at the edge of his life and only seconds from being gone forever, he could nothing.

An idea shot through his mind like an electric shock. He didn't have time to think it through, he just ran. Running toward Flynn would push him over the edge, so he ran to the side, right up to the wall further down from Flynn. Yuri crawled up and stood, digging his frozen toes onto the even colder cement to stabilize himself.

"Alright, Flynn," he said breathlessly. "If that's how you want to do it." He glanced down and his head spun. Wow, they really were high up, weren't they? A small crowd had gathered far below, staring up at them. He saw Karol, Raven, Judy, and Rita in the forefront, and a distant murmur of surprise when they saw Yuri climb up onto the ledge as well.

"What are you doing?" Flynn demanded. "You're going to fall."

"Yeah," Yuri said, trying to sound casual. "We certainly wouldn't want anyone to fall from here, huh?"

"Get down. This doesn't involve you."

"But it does," Yuri said, looking back to Flynn and meeting his eyes. "Because I will always try to save you. I've been told before that I have an unhealthy obsession with saving people, and I guess that's true. You know me; I can't stand to see people in need and not do anything. I've always been a bit more reckless than usual when you're involved. If our places had been reversed at Zaude, I would have taken that laser for you. And if you fall from this ledge… I'll try to catch you on the way down."

"Don't be ridiculous," Flynn said. "What exactly is your plan once you catch me halfway down?"

Yuri shrugged and tried to sound calm. "You know I never think these things through ahead of time."

Flynn looked to him with fury. "Are you seriously threatening to commit suicide to stop me from committing suicide?"

"Yeah, pretty extreme, huh? I mean, what kind of loser jumps off a roof, right?"

"You don't understand at all!"

Yuri looked to Flynn and dropped the casual attitude. "You're right. I don't think I can ever fully understand how you feel, because you've been through something no one should ever have to. I do understand that you're in a lot of pain and that you want to make your own choices. So, make this choice. You can choose if you want to live or die. It's up to you. Just know that your life isn't the only one that would be destroyed if you jumped."

Flynn stared at him, anger turning to pained confusion. "How is this a free choice? This is just more manipulation."

"You're making the choice to care about my life, aren't you? Besides, that's the thing about choosing your own path: it's never just about you. Every choice you make affects other people. You didn't have to worry about the consequences of your 'choices' when you were following Estelle's orders, so doesn't the fact that you're debating them now prove that it really is your free will deciding this?"

Yuri glanced down again, the wind hitting his face and making it feel like he was already falling. For a second he saw ocean below and a dim throb of pain from his abdomen. "And, if you want some personal experience… falling to your death isn't nearly as fun as it's cracked up to be. So," he looked to Flynn with a faint smile, "what's it going to be?"

Flynn stared at him. For a whole minute, Yuri heard nothing but the rushing wind and his pounding heart. Even the crowd below had gone silent. For the entire minute, Yuri met Flynn's eyes, silently begging him to step down.

Flynn hung his head. "Yuri… you really are a ridiculous person." He climbed back down to the roof.

Cheers and applause rang out from below, and all Yuri's muscles relaxed after being tensed for so long. He breathed a deep sigh of relief, and turned to step off the ledge himself. Just as he turned, the wind picked up and smacked him in the face with a gust. He stumbled, throwing his arms out for balance. His foot stepped back to catch himself, but he'd run out of ground to step on.

With a shout, he dropped over the edge. One hand snatched the edge of the wall at the last second, jolting him to a stop. He could already feel his fingers slipping, and the strain of holding his entire weight on his fingertips sent fire through his hand and arm.

Just as he felt the stone slipping out from under his fingers, hands grabbed his wrist. Below, the crowd shouted and pointed in horror. Yuri focused his attention above, though. Flynn's arms shook with the exertion of holding him, but his eyes were focused. It was a look of stubborn determination that Yuri hadn't seen on Flynn in a long time.

"Give me your other hand," Flynn said.

Yuri pulled his hand up and grasped Flynn's wrists. With a grunt of effort, Flynn pulled. Yuri's feet scraped painfully on the rough stone as he slowly rose back over the edge. When he finally reached the top, he rolled over the wall and collapsed onto the roof. He took a few deep breaths and said, "…Thanks."

Flynn slumped to the ground next to him. "I should say the same to you."

Before he could stop himself, Yuri leaned over and wrapped his arms around Flynn as tightly as he could. "You bastard," he said through gritted teeth. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!"

"I'm sorry." Flynn wrapped his arms around Yuri as well. "I'm sorry. I'm… I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Yuri clung to Flynn, half-afraid that if he let go Flynn might climb onto the ledge again. "Seriously. Hey, look, you just saved my life, didn't you?"

"But you were only in danger because I-"

"Because I was reckless and climbed up onto a narrow ledge on a windy night. You saved me, Flynn. You're not weak. You're not useless. You've just got to give yourself time to get back to who you used to be, and you'll be back to saving people all over the place."

"Do you really think so?"

Yuri finally pulled back from the embrace. "You're damn right I do. Now come on, let's get back down stairs before I develop a fear of heights."

A couple of days later, they were finishing lunch. Judith had cooked a delicious meal of leftover chicken breast and macaroni salad. Flynn felt guilty about the fact that the rest of the group switched out whose turn it was to cook but never asked Flynn to participate. It made him feel like a freeloader.

Yuri laughed him off when he voiced those concerns the other night. "It's got nothing to do with you being sick. You're the worst chef I've ever met. I'll let you cook the next time we want a salt cake, alright?"

Flynn had pouted and protested that that had only been once – salt and sugar were identical, you couldn't blame him for messing up – but secretly he was relieved. He wanted to cook because he felt guilty, but sometimes even watching cooking from a distance made his palms sweat and his mind race. When Raven had cooked the chicken last night, he'd had to leave the room when he smelled it start to burn.

…the scent of burning flesh filled his nose. It was coming from him. Searing pain spread through his lower back…

"So, what's the plan for the rest of the day?" Karol asked, looking around the group. "I need to go meet with Kaufman to sign some stuff about the loan for our building. Do you want to come, Judith, Yuri? Uh… Flynn?" He glanced awkwardly at Flynn.

They'd all been tiptoeing around Flynn for the past couple of days. Flynn couldn't blame them; he'd tried to commit suicide, after all. He wished he could explain that making the choice to keep living to prevent Yuri from doing something really stupid had mostly pacified him on the free will issue, but he didn't think Yuri had ever explained exactly what had happened on the roof. As far as anyone knew, he'd wanted to die to escape the pain, whereas on the contrary he wanted very much to keep living so that he had the chance to amend for all the people he hurt. As long as he could be reasonably sure his actions were his own, he didn't see any reason to end his life.

"I'll go if you want me to," Yuri said. "You feel up to it, Flynn?"

It wasn't even a question that if Flynn didn't want to go, Yuri wouldn't either. Flynn didn't think he needed a babysitter, but Yuri had barely taken his eyes off Flynn since that night on the roof. He'd become so good at spotting flashbacks coming on he sometimes was at Flynn's side before Flynn realized he was falling into one himself.

"Actually…" He set his fork down and looked to Yuri. "I'd like to spar with you."

Yuri paused, and then glanced to Raven for a second. "I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"I'm tired of sitting around doing nothing," Flynn said. "I want to use a sword again. Please respect my decision."

Yuri met his glare. Without having to say it, his look said, Seeing someone chop meat turns you into a shaking mess and you want to swing a blade around?

Flynn replied with his own silent assertion. I need to do this if I ever want to feel normal again.

Yuri finally relented. "Alright. If you really want to."

"Thanks," Flynn said.

Half an hour later, they were outside the city. Flynn was already on edge from walking through the city. He hated crowds. There were too many variables to keep track of and keeping all his senses on high-alert was exhausting. Yuri carried the swords through the town, presumably worried Flynn would panic and start attacking innocent bystanders. Flynn thought this was an overreaction, but he couldn't be mad at Yuri for being cautious.

When they reached the field outside of town, Yuri passed the sword over. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"No," Flynn admitted, gripping the hilt. "But I want to try. I want to feel normal again." The weight of the sword felt heavy and familiar in his hand. The last time he'd held a sword, he'd tried to kill Yuri. Not this time. He wasn't following anyone's orders any more, and he was not a helpless invalid who needed Yuri to make important decisions for him. He could be himself.

"Alright," Flynn said, holding his sword out. "Ready to get your ass kicked?"

"Oh, what's this? Pretty cocky for someone who lost the last two battles against me." Yuri smirked and held his sword out as well.

"The way I see it," Flynn said, "I haven't been me since I arrived at the castle. The last battle you had against me was when he spared right before you let the Knights. I won that one."

Yuri swung his sword and the battle began. "What?" Yuri said between blows. "You think you can just declare the ones you lost as not counting?"

"Yes." Flynn easily blocked Yuri's blows. Neither were pushing themselves at this point, and Flynn enjoyed the familiar feel of an easy spar. Every seamless movement of his arm or familiar, well-timed step sent power racing through him. He was in total control of every movement his body made.

"Oh, I see how it is," Yuri said. "You want a do-over because you're mad that you lost."

Flynn blocked a strike. "I have to believe automaton me was not as competent at sword fighting." Then it was Yuri's turn to block a strike of his own. "There's no way I would have lost to you otherwise."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." Yuri leapt out of the way and sidestepped. Flynn had to jump backward to avoid the next blow. "But you know," their swords hit with a clang, "I've been thinking."

"That's never a good sign," Flynn pushed him back. His sword smashed into Yuri's and for a moment they were locked in a parry.

"You want to make sure you're not brainwashed, right?"

"Ideally." Flynn wasn't sure where he was going with this, even though he did know where Yuri was going with his stepping back and then trying to circle around. They'd fought together for so many years it was almost impossible to take each other by surprise.

"You believe that I am not brainwashed, and I'm not trying to brainwash you, right?" Yuri frowned as Flynn easily blocked his attempt at a surprise attack from the side.

"Yes." Yuri was one of the only people he really, truly trusted. There were others that he was pretty sure weren't actively out to get him, but when push came to shove, Yuri was the only person he wasn't at least distantly paranoid of. He hated feeling like he had to be on guard around every other person in the world, but he couldn't shake the phobia that letting his guard down for an instant would open himself to being hurt again.

"So if you're ever at all concerned that a decision you're making isn't wholly you, you can talk to me." He paused to take a breath between attacks. "If you can rationalize why you're doing something and I tell you that it sounds just like you, then that means it's probably you, right?"

Flynn nodded while pressing forward with a series of strikes. "That sounds like a compelling argument."

"And if you ever think I'm acting irrationally, you can tell me." Yuri easily backed up, blocking Flynn's blows with a series of clanks. "You can rely on me, and I'll rely on you."

"Just like always."

"I can't be at your side all the time, though."

"We have different paths to take." Flynn wouldn't want Yuri spending the rest of his life looking after him anyway. He recognized that he needed the support for now, but he had no intention of spending the rest of his life on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"But if anything happens and you need me…"

He didn't even have to finish the thought. "Yeah." He felt embarrassed that he'd spent so long believing Yuri secretly hated him. It was stupid to be embarrassed because he knew, logically, he hadn't been thinking as himself during that time, but he couldn't shake the feeling. "The same to you. I've done a lot of things I owe you for."

"Ah, shut up. You don't owe me for everything."

Flynn frowned. "I would feel better if you let me repay you somehow." Both for the terrible things he'd done, for lying and manipulating him, and now for getting Yuri caught up in this. He couldn't even imagine how he could start to repay Yuri for all that he'd done for him.

"If you really want to pay me back," Yuri grunted and pushed back against Flynn, "why not buy me dinner tonight and we'll call it even?"

"Hm. It's a start."

Yuri took a step back to avoid Flynn's next attack, but then yelled, "Whoa!" His foot landed in a gopher hole and twisted to the side, knocking him off balance. Flynn took this chance to smash the flat of his blade across his chest and smack Yuri's sword from his hand. Yuri toppled over, his sword landing a foot away.

"There." Flynn held sword over Yuri and said, "I knew I would win now that I'm myself again."

"That doesn't count!" Yuri protested. "I tripped!"

"Oh, you want a do-over because you're mad you lost?" Flynn dropped to the ground and set his sword down. "Let's call it a draw."

"If it makes you feel better." Yuri fell back on the grass and took a deep breath. "You did pretty good."

"Says the guy who lost."

"I thought it was a draw?"

"I said that to make you feel better about losing."

"Oh-ho, I see how it is."

Flynn didn't actually care about winning or losing. He hadn't wanted to fight to prove anything to himself other than the fact that he could fight. He liked the feel of a sword in his hand, of every muscle reacting precisely to his control, of letting loose and doing something that didn't take intense concentration that risked lapsing into memories.

He knew it would be a long time until he truly felt normal again. It was possible, likely even, that he would never feel totally normal. Ten months of torture and two years of enslavement wasn't something you could just walk away from. Be he felt… content. He was in control of his own life, and he had the strength to fight and protect himself. There was light at the end of the tunnel, and even though he knew it would be a long and hard trek to reach it, it was comforting to know it was there.

"Yuri… I need to go to Zaphias." With one leg stretched out and his arm resting on his other knee, he stared ahead. He didn't have to look over at Yuri lying in the grass to know his face was conflicted.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Ready or not, we can't wait much longer. Master Ioder needs help. I can only assume he's still alive because it would be announced everywhere if he died, but I fear he's running out of time."

Yuri sighed. "I've been thinking about that, too. You're right. I'm going with you."

"You can't get into the castle."

"You're the commandant." The grass rustled as he pulled his arms up to support his head. "Once you get in, you can tell them to let us in."

"The knights might listen to me. My brigade is loyal to me, but most of the knights in the castle barely know me and may be more likely to take orders from Estelle."

"We'll make it work."

Flynn snorted and shook his head. "You never change, Yuri."

"What?" he said defensively. "I'm just being optimistic."

"Ok. I'll go in, head to Master Ioder's room and deliver the antidote. Hopefully I can get in quickly and quietly without Estelle knowing I'm there. Once that's taken care of, I'll find Sodia and have them spread the word to lower the guard and let your group in, and also send knights to arrest Estelle." A paranoid thought wriggled to the forefront of his mind and he frowned. "I… can trust Sodia, can't I?"

Yuri raised his head slightly. "You're worried you can't?"

Flynn hung his head and twirled blades of grass between his fingers. "I know it's dumb. I just… I think it's going to take a while for me to be able to trust other people again."

"Well, if my opinion is worth anything, I believe you can trust her. That girl's devoted to you. Trust me, she would do anything to keep you safe."

Flynn nodded. He knew Yuri didn't like Sodia much, so if he was vouching for her it had to be because he earnestly believed Flynn could count on her. He didn't feel able to give her that trust himself yet, but he'd believe in Yuri's trust.

"We'll talk to Harry," Flynn said. "We can go tomorrow."