Chapter Twelve: The Ultimate Test

The sky at his back was a radiant orange sunrise, but Yuri stared ahead at the murky grey dawn. Wind whipped his face as the Fiertia soared toward Dahngrest. He'd woken up only a few minutes ago, after they'd travelled through the night to reach Zaphias in the morning. He leaned on the railing and yawned, wondering if it was worthwhile to cook breakfast on the ship or if they could get by on muffins brought from Dahngrest.

"Good morning."

Yuri would have jumped if he was a more skittish person. "Morning, Judy. Didn't know you were up already."

"I've been awake for about half an hour," she said, strolling across the deck toward him. "I was just talking with Ba'ul."'

Of course she had to outclass him. Here he was in socks, sweats, and a hastily-thrown-on vest with messy hair and eyes that hadn't fully opened yet, and she was already walking around with perfect hair and as put-together as always. He wondered if Krityans actually needed sleep or if she went out of her way to be up and roaring before he even woke up on purpose.

"Where's Flynn?" she asked.

"Still sleeping." Flynn slept a lot, for the joint reason that constant anxiety was really exhausting and also he didn't get much rest when he did sleep due to nightmares. "Why?"

She reached his side and shrugged. "I was just curious. I've hardly seen you leave his side in a week."

Yuri crossed his arms on the railing and said, "Repede's looking after him for me. I'd leave him alone more often, but the last time he wandered off by himself he tried to jump off a building." He had intended that to be a joke. It didn't come out very funny.

He still couldn't get over how terrified he'd been on the roof. He'd seen his friends in mortal danger before, but it was different when it was a monster or an evil person threatening them. In that case, he knew he could train harder and make himself stronger so that even if - heaven forbid - he failed to save his friend, he would be strong enough to save the next one. Suicide, though… there was nothing he could do about that. How could he protect someone from themselves? He couldn't beat depression in a sword fight. All he could hope to do was help pick up the pieces while watching a horrible monster eat his friend from the inside out.

He gazed at the fields rushing by below with a sigh. He'd never been afraid of heights before, and he wouldn't say he was afraid of them now, but he certainly found them a tad disconcerting after nearly losing Flynn to them.

"He's doing better," Judith said. "Just think about how far he's come since we broke through to him. He's functioning, even if at a low level."

Yuri nodded. As much trouble as Flynn was having, he had definitely improved. Yuri shuddered to think about the confused, mute wreck Flynn had been the first couple of days. Yuri looked out at the world with tired eyes. "Honestly… I just want to see him smile again."

It wasn't always easy to notice something that wasn't there, but the absence of his smile was like a big black hole in the slowly reforming Flynn. He had always been such a cheerful person. He tried to act serious but whenever he won a fight or thought of something funny he couldn't help smiling so hard he could barely see. That big goofy grin was as integral to Flynn being Flynn as his sense of justice or his unruly hair, and Yuri never thought he would be so desperate to see it again. He hadn't once seen Flynn crack a real smile since all this began.

"It will come back." Judith rested her chin on her hand as she leaned over the railing. "It may take some time. Yuri, do you really think he's going to be able to take the job of commandant after all this? It's such a stressful job, and he's got enough stress dealing with this."

Yuri frowned, remembering what Raven had said about battle fatigue, or whatever you'd call this, never really going away. "I don't know," he admitted. "I'd like to think so. He's really jumpy now, but I want to believe he'll mellow out with time."

"Have you thought about finding professional help?"

Yuri instinctively wrinkled his nose. "You mean… therapy?" It was a kneejerk reaction. Nobody went to therapy in the lower quarter. Everybody had difficult lives and it was common consensus that if you talked it out with a stranger other than a bartender you were a pretentious snob. That had only grown stronger in the Knights, where the general impression was that knights were tough and seeking therapy was weak. If he logically thought about it, Yuri knew there was nothing wrong with seeking psychological help, but it was hard to shake the stigma.

Judy glanced over and raised an eyebrow. "Is there a problem with that?"

"No…" He sighed and said, "I guess I kinda hoped I could take care of him on my own. Finding a therapist feels like defeat."

"Isn't it the same as going to a doctor to fix a broken leg you can't deal with yourself?"

Yuri paused before responding. That was an interesting way to look at it. He could accept the belief that tough guys – guys like him or Flynn – didn't need fancy 'therapy' to deal with being sad, but he also had to wonder if turning down professional help was like rejecting a sword when slaying a monster. There was so much more wrong with Flynn than just being sad, and he was willing to try anything if it would keep him off the roof.

Judy turned her head back to the view. "You should bring it up with him and see what he thinks."

Yuri nodded slowly. "Yeah. I think I will."

"You might as well wake him up now and give him time to get some breakfast," she said. "We'll be landing soon."

"Yeah." He glanced down at his bare chest and said, "Maybe I should put a proper shirt on, too."

Judy smirked. "And deprive us of your abs? I know you worked so hard on them."

Yuri snorted and pulled away from the railing. "I do what I can. Sorry, though, not all of us want to be walking eye candy."

She straightened up and folded her hands behind her back, pushing her chest out in a way Yuri was certain was intentional. "Oh? What's that supposed to mean?"

He'd heard more sickeningly innocent questions from six year olds. He started walking away and called back over his shoulder, "Just try to keep the cleavage to a minimum around Raven, alright? I'm sick of mopping drool off the deck."

Judith laughed and leaned her elbows against the railing. "I'll get breakfast ready if you wake the others."

Flynn had thought he was done with the days of dreading going to sleep in fear of nightmares around the time he stopped using a teddy bear to try to fend them off. He found himself wondering what had ever happened to Sir Teddie, and if pulling him out again now would help at all. Probably not, and it probably wasn't worth it for Yuri's inevitable teasing. Besides, he'd probably end up ripping poor Sir Teddie to shreds in his panicked flailing upon waking up.

He panted for breath and looked across the wagon to the hesitant group gathered on the other side. Only Yuri knelt near him, his arm held up defensively. After disembarking at Deidon Hold, they'd met up with a Fortune's Market delivery wagon to take them the rest of the way to the city. Flynn had promptly gone back to sleep, since he hadn't gotten much rest the night before. He'd lain awake in bed for hours, worrying about the next day, and once he finally drifted into sleep he landed right in another nightmare. The only consolation he had was that even though he was forced to relive his experiences in nightmares every night, he had not yet had a repeat. Maybe once he got through all ten months' worth of memories they would stop.

"Are we there?" he asked.

Judith nodded. "Tokunaga is parked just around the corner from the castle."

"Oh. I see." It was time. His hands shook with nerves.

"You ok?" Yuri asked.

Flynn nodded. "Yes. It was just a bad dream." The anxiety of entering the castle and facing Estelle and other knights again had sent him into some of the worst nightmares he'd ever had.

Karol looked to him hesitantly and asked, "Do you… want to talk about it?"

He could still feel rough rope digging into his wrists and the scent of sweat, blood, vomit, and other horrible fluids lingered in his nose like they'd physically pulled him from that room only a minute ago. He took a few deep breaths, assuring himself that his ribs weren't really broken and the foul taste in his mouth was just a lingering memory.

He squeezed his fingernails into his palms, digging them in until it hurt to remind himself where he was. After a couple more deep breaths, he look to Karol who was still staring at him in concern and said, "I… don't remember the details."

Yuri frowned at him, seeing through that lie like a window. In a low voice, he said, "You don't have to do this. We can put this off longer, or I'll find another way in without sending you in first."

"No," Flynn said. "I'm doing this." He was never going to feel better if he holed up inside and avoided his responsibilities. He recalled Yuri's weight hanging from his hands, his own firm grip the only thing keeping him from smashing to the ground. You can do this, he told himself. You're strong. You are in control now.

"If you're ready," Judith said, "the entrance to the castle is just around the corner."

Before he could chicken out, Flynn stood up and crossed the wagon. His sword felt comfortingly heavy at his side. Even if he ran into knights who sided with Estelle, it wouldn't be like last time. He wasn't unarmed, imprisoned, and malnourished anymore; he could fight back and defend himself. He opened the door and stepped onto the street.

"Flynn," Yuri stood on the edge of the wagon, frowned, and then reached for his wrist. With a bit of fumbling, he snapped the empty blastia bracelet from his wrist and held it out. "Take this."

Flynn stared at his hand in confusion. "Why would I want that?" Now that the blastia was gone, the bracelet itself was just a useless scrap of metal.

"I want you to have it." Yuri shook his hand, trying to get Flynn to take it.

"But without the blastia, it's only function is sentimental value. It won't make me stronger but I know it means a lot to you." He didn't think he'd ever seen Yuri take it off since the day he got it.

"Yeah. It does mean a lot to me, so what does that have in common with you?"

Flynn gazed at the bracelet. "Oh."

"Take it. You know I wouldn't give this to just anyone, so if I'm giving it to you it's because I really do care about you and trust you with it. Just… hold on to it in case you run into Estelle."

Flynn took the cool metal and clutched it until the edges dug painfully in his palm. "Thanks."

"You'd better give that back when you get out. If you break it I'll send the bill to the commandant's office."

"Right." He slipped it into his pocket, where it clinked against the poison bottle.

"Hey, you'll be fine." He smiled, and then added, "And if you do run into Estelle... hold on to yourself. Don't believe anything she says and remember who you are."

Flynn nodded slowly. "Thanks. I'll try to remember that."

He walked slowly down the street, glad that the night air was cool because his blood felt hot. A door slammed a block away and he had jumped against the nearest wall and drawn his sword before processing that he was overreacting. lad no one was here to see him, he sheathed his sword and took a deep breath.

Pull yourself together, Flynn. You are a knight, not a frightened rabbit.

Had he really once walked these streets without a care in the world? It seemed so irresponsible now. If you asked anyone if they believed tragedy could strike them or their loved ones, everyone would say, yes, of course. Even though everyone knew that logically, at their core, no one actually believed it would happen to them. That was the sort of thing that happened to strangers in the newspaper. People went through life truly believing, even if only at the backs of their brains, that if they were good, decent people, nothing really terrible would happen to them. It was a comfortable padding around the harsh edges of life that let people go about their day without fearing murderers lurking in every alley.

That padding had been ripped out of Flynn's mind because he now knew, viscerally and intimately, that heinous things could happen to decent people for no reason at all. The shuffling down the street was just a leaf scraping along the path as the breeze pushed it along... probably. It could also be the cloak of a murderer swishing across the ground as he crept through the night to end Flynn's life. Was it unlikely? Probably. But he didn't have the benefit of believing "it couldn't happen to me" because it had happened to him, and only constant vigilance could protect him from it happening again.

He somehow managed to reach the castle without having a heart attack, but then he saw the knights standing guard at the main gate. He saw their uniforms, their face-obscuring helmets, and he pressed his back against the wall before his shaking knees collapsed.

...a pair of knights entered the room. He couldn't see their faces past their helmets. One of them carried a whip...

He clamped his teeth on his lip until it hurt, and let the sting draw him back into reality. That was the past. There was no reason to believe these knights had anything to do with that. There was no reason for his heart to race and his muscles to tremble with the urge to drop everything and run. He had never felt a huge kinship to rabbits before, but he had to envy them for having nice dark burrows to scurry to and hide in whenever their twitching ears caught a glimmer of danger.

I'm so pathetic...

Dammit! He had things to do and people were relying on him. He couldn't let this rule him. He'd fought through injuries before, and just because this was a mental injury didn't mean he couldn't force through it, too. His fingers ran around the poison bottle in his pocket. All he had to do was get this to Ioder and then he could hide in his room for a few days to recover from how terrifying this was.

The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could curl up in bed with his pillow over his head. He pushed away from the wall and marched as confidently as he could toward the gates. These knights were not the ones that had tortured him. There was no reason to be afraid of them. He outranked them, after all.

When he walked up to them, they shifted their spears and one said, "Do you need something?"

Flynn froze, surprised they hadn't recognized him. Then he realized he was wearing civilian clothes, he'd lost a lot of weight in the past couple of weeks, and he didn't doubt he was holding himself with significantly less confidence. For a few seconds he didn't know what to do. The plan had been to walk right past them, but they didn't recognize him. What was he supposed to -

Wait. Stupid. He was still the commandant. "It's me," he said. "Flynn Scifo."

The knights looked him up and down and shock hit their faces. "Oh!" the other said. "We're so sorry, sir! We didn't recognize you."

"It's alright," he said. "Please let me through."

"Of course, sir," the first said, stepping aside. "Sir, if I may ask, everyone's been so worried about you. Were you really kid-"

"Now is not the time to discuss that, Corporal."

"Right. Sorry, sir."

See, these knights respected him. They were not at all the same knights that he was afraid of. "Do me a favour and don't go announcing my return. I'd like to keep a low profile for now."

"Yes, sir!" they said in unison, saluting as Flynn continued inside.

His nerves hardly calmed once he was within the castle. It was hard believe that three years ago, he'd practically bounced with joy upon entering this building. That was back when he was so excited to be posted at the castle. Back when his stupid, naive self had no idea he only had three more days to be happy before everything was ripped away.

He knew the route to Master Ioder's room. He didn't even have to think about it. He wished he did, because that left spare room in his mind to consider the fact that somewhere in this building, probably not very far away, was that room. The room he visited every night since Yuri awakened his memories.

Just the thought that it was somewhere nearby sent waves of panic rushing through him. His head was a cup and every piece of stress or fear was a drop of water that steadily filled it up. His cup was so full of water he could see it bulging over the rim with only surface tension holding it in check. It would spill into a full-on panic attack if he didn't keep on top of it, and he couldn't let that happen until he got to Ioder.

I'm fine. I can do this. I'm just walking through the castle. I have every right to be here so no one is going to stop me. He couldn't shake the feeling that someone was going to leap around a corner and attack him at any moment. When he did see people, he had to consciously remind himself not to draw his sword on a maid.

"I'm sorry!" Flynn said, hastily sheathing his sword the first time he forgot this.

The terrified maid pressed herself against the wall.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Flynn held his hands up and said, "I'm a little jumpy – you startled me – not your fault. So sorry."

"Uh… it's ok, Commandant," she said. "Um, are you feeling ok, sir?"

"I'm fine," he said a little too quickly.

"It's just, you look a bit tired and…"

"I said I'm fine!" Guilt beat him over the head as she shrunk against the wall again. He sighed and slumped his shoulders. "…Sorry. Could you just… not mention to other people that you saw me and forget about this?"

"Yes, sir!" Before he could snap at her again, she scampered away.

Great. Now I'm traumatizing other people. Maybe this was a bad idea… But someone had to get this poison bottle to Ioder. He just needed to hold it together for a few more minutes and then he could let loose and have a crying fit in his bedroom. Maybe he could find Sir Teddie.

He walked up a flight of stairs. There was only one more hallway to go before reaching Ioder. He just had to get there. He quickened his pace as he walked down the empty hall, his footsteps echoing eerily. He turned a corner and saw the ornate door that led to the emperor's suite. Yes! He'd made it without having a panic attack! It was the little victories that counted.

He was halfway down the corridor when he heard a voice.

"Hello, Flynn."

The floor inexplicably morphed into glue. More accurately, he thought as he slowly turned his head over his shoulder, into webbing. He was as trapped as a fly as the spider strolled toward him, her heels lightly clicking on the polished floor.

"Where have you been?" Estelle asked, stopping a few feet from him.

Flynn managed to turned and face her, but he couldn't get words through his throat.

"You were with Yuri, weren't you?" She rested a hand on her hip. "So, how did it go? I don't suppose I should get my hopes up that you managed to kill him?"

Air came from his mouth, but no sound. Words, what were words? Even his mind was silent. No clear thoughts could break through the internal screaming.

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me… did he actually convince you to trust him?"

Shit, shit. He could have convinced her that he still served her. That would have been so much easier. He didn't know what to do. Should he run? Should he fight? Should he fall to his knees and sob his eyes out? Shut up, brain, that isn't helping! What would he have done if he was still the confident young man who'd joined the Knights? Focus on that.

"Everything… is… fine," he forced out. It sounded pathetic even to him.

Estelle frowned. "He did, didn't he?"

"N-no. I serve you, Estelle." Wait, crap! "I mean, Lady Estellise."

Estelle rolled her eyes. "You are a horrific liar, Flynn. You were good at lying when you still served me, though. You were better at everything. Don't you see that trusting Yuri has just broken you?"

"Yuri helped me," he insisted.

"Is that why you're trembling and look like you're on the verge of a panic attack? Because you're 'better' now?"

"I… um…" He couldn't think of a decent reply because all his energy was spent holding his mind in one piece and keeping him from melting down.

"Look at you," she gestured at him. "Pale. Skinny. Frightened. You've been like this before, and then you decided to put your trust in me. I made you strong, I gave you a chance to be the greatest knight the empire had ever seen, and now you turn your back on me? After everything I've done for you?" Her eyes wavered. "You haven't just messed up my plans, Flynn… you've broken my heart."

"I'm sorry," he said instinctively. No, wait, stop, he didn't need to apologize to her. It didn't matter if he'd broken her heart because she was evil, remember?

She rested her hand on his arm. He expected to flinch, but instead her touch felt familiar and warm. "I forgive you, Flynn," she said. "That's what friends do."

He jerked his arm away. Draw your sword, said a voice in his head, but he couldn't get his hands to function properly. The best he could manage was taking a feeble step away from her.

"Flynn…" Estelle said, looking to him with heartbroken eyes, "don't you trust me anymore?"

"I never should have," he tried to sound confident but it came out weak. He couldn't think with his heart pounding in his ears.

"Oh, Flynn, why would you say that?" She stepped closer and before he could stop her, she wrapped her arms around him in a close embrace. She pulled him against her, and he could feel her soft cheek against his and smell the flowery shampoo in her hair. Her arms closed around him tight enough to feel secure but not so tight he felt trapped. "I love you," she whispered in his ear. "I care about you so much and for you to betray me like this…" her voice wavered on the brink of tears, "I don't believe it. You – you wouldn't, would you?"

He should run away. He needed to pull away and get out of here, but he couldn't move. Her voice was like honey and for the first time since stepping out of the wagon his off-the-charts panic settled to a more manageable level.

"You're in so much pain, Flynn," she murmured. "I can see it in your eyes and it hurts me so deeply to see you suffering. You never hurt like this when you trusted me."

Well… yes, that was true. While serving her, he never felt fear or uncertainty. He never stressed over what path to take or struggled with nightmares or worried about his future. But, that was because he didn't think anything, and that wasn't any good either.

"Please, just let me make you feel better." She rubbed his back soothingly, and his stress ebbed away.

He let himself lean into the hug. For the first time in weeks, he felt safe. Her embrace was comforting and familiar, and found himself wishing he could place his trust in her and let her take care of his problems. "I… no," he mumbled. "You're - you're controlling me."

"But isn't it nicer? Why would you choose to be in pain when you can listen to me and feel better? What kind of person chooses to take the more painful route? It goes against human nature."

That was a good point. Really, it would be so easy to give in to Estelle. She didn't want to hurt him, she just wanted to make him feel better. All she asked in return for her love and affection was that he follow her instructions, which wasn't so high a cost. He considered how nice it would be to go back to living without constant anxiety. It was like Estelle was his barrier blastia, keeping out the harsh monsters of pain, depression, and fear.

What good was free will if it just made him miserable?

"Just listen to me and all the pain will go away."

She was so warm. She was warmth and comfort and love. She had never hurt him. It was the knights who hurt him; she was the one who made him feel better. He just wanted to stop hurting, and here she was, offering him relief. It would be… easy.

"Help me," he whispered.

"Always."

He nodded, not able to get words out. Tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn't sure if they were happy tears or not. He didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but worrying if it was the right thing hurt so much… it was so hard…. He couldn't do this. Life was too hard. Life was scary and harsh and any tiny thing could send him into panicked shaking. That was no way to live.

He managed to raise his arms and wrapped them around her waist while squeezing his eyes shut. "I trust you."