Chapter Five : Scars of the Broken

(Rachel Roth's POV)

Depressed... moody... pessimistic... weird... emotionally numb... outcast... however you view me I could care less. The truth is, I can't deny having been submerged in most of these stereotypes more then once in my life. I suppose you could say I had reason, but... that doesn't exactly make a difference to the world now does it? I learned long ago the likes of humanity spared no comfort for the outsiders. Which... I actually prefer. I'd rather not deal with the drama of actually being liked by the preppier side of our society, the thought alone makes me cringe. When I was younger, the whole lure of acceptance weighed heavy on my shoulders and I struggled against myself to figure out why I just wasn't like the others... and then one day, a few minor details changed in my life and... I just didn't care anymore. Dramatic... right? That might be your assumption, and go ahead, who am I to sway your opinion of me. The point being ... somewhere along the line, I was given the choice... become an emotional wreck, needy for attention, or... suck it up and just realize this shits never gonna get any easier.

Obviously I chose to just deal, because that's basically what life is... its just a long, drawn out period of time where we have to adapt to the situations and surroundings we found ourselves in. And, yea... I suppose some would think it would have been easier to fall in line with the rest, living a life of superficial proportions, constantly trying to outdo the plastic smile beside you who you call your friend, but... I could never do that, believe me I tried... I really did. I was young then, but even at my age I knew this was never gonna work... not for me. I couldn't stomach the approach most people my age took on life. Now, you have to realize the city, or I guess the area in this city, I lived in was a collection of wealthy families, which I found rather disturbing. I mean, these people rallied together as if they were superior to the rest of the world, but to say they were all superficial would be a lie, just the majority were.

I remember when I was younger and this whole realization of the shallow lives that coexisted beside me was considered normal... I knew I was in a world where I would never truly belong. That's not to say that I wanted to, I mean, I had a small group of friends and I was content with that. I just could never bring myself to force emotion in certain situations where it really wasn't necessary, and because of it most people viewed me as strange. But I found myself thinking... what's so wrong about strange? It takes the strange to differentiate the normal right? Either way, no matter how they view me it doesn't change the fact that somewhere inside them... whether they knew it or not... they were just like me, I just didn't tolerate the bullshit. I could clearly see the similarities between me and the ones who laughed, made jokes, and feared me. In the end we are all the same, I just got shit for not showing decorum like the rest of them. If something pissed me off, guess what... I was pissed off. I didn't fake a smile to ensure my composure was picture perfect in the public eye, and I really didn't care what people thought about me or my behavior. If anything, ... if I could make you cringe, or even feel uncomfortable... you might have just gotten a smile from me, because now I had just brought you into my world.

In my opinion, everyone took everything far too seriously. They worried too much about everything, and built these imaginary walls around them meant to resemble perfection but... at the end of the day, acceptance is something that's never really achievable. I found it was more of a momentary distraction before the reality of how disturbed life and the ones who live alongside you are. Because essentially the dream each person truly had was to look out for number one... themselves. Again... I'm not saying this is my theory of everyone as a whole... just the people I had grown up alongside. Which, I might draw attention to the fact that these people, the ones who had long since labeled me a freak, were in my opinion far more lost then they ever believed me to be.

This fact alone is why I found it so easy to find humor in their perceptions of me, which they openly displayed in a hurricane of judgement. To them I was dark, rude, pathetic, when in reality they were merely inflicting their own insecurities upon me because I looked the part. At the end of the day, we all have the same feelings overcome us in certain situations now and again... I just didn't force a smile to avoid confrontation or judgement. I couldn't be that girl who had gone through something traumatic and did nothing more then weep their way to attention and sympathy from others. No, when I experience something hard in my life, I turn to my own theory of acceptance. Because acceptance in this sense was different, I wasn't looking to win anyone over... I think I've already made that clear. My theory was,... in a world where you cannot change the past, present, or future, or alter the perception someone had of you once they had already labeled you, the only thing you did have control over is yourself. And while sometimes I had difficult controlling myself and my emotions, ... I was me, the real me, all the time. I was unashamed, unapologetic, and most importantly, I only lived up to the expectations I had for myself, not what the world consistently tried to thrust upon me.

Now, for those of you who believe outsiders are lost and alone, let me just enlighten you. Yea, we're different, and in a lot of cases we are alone, but that in no way means we need your sympathy. For me, being an outsider isn't a disease,which you would think it was by the way people looked at me, but more a lifestyle choice. I didn't cut myself or thrive off pain like most stereotypes might suggest, no,... I was reserved, quiet, careless. The main emphasis in which people didn't understand was... I wasn't dressed in dark colors and a rigid demeanor because I was looking for attention. Certain situations arise in people's life which later determine their interests, goals, perception,... everything, and my life had merely brought me down a separate path then the overly charismatic piers of mine. They had rich daddies and mommies stuffing money down their throat to keep them at bay while the parents continued their in-achievable goal at flourishing in the business of making money and moving up in the world. As a result they truly believed they were happy, money being the reason for their momentary happiness. Which was fine, I don't care, and I would certainly not bring attention to the differences in our lives if not to draw attention to the reason why I was so different.

In the end my timeline in life was a little darker then theirs, and its not that I held anything against them for it, I just remained closer along the border to reality because of it. Now, what most of my piers struggled to understand was the group of friends I had, and how exactly we came to be, and to be honest I'm not even sure my friends noticed why we were so drawn to one another's company. The truth was, we are all apart of the media. Me? Apart of the media you ask? Yea well, lets just say I had a few demons in my past which weren't exactly kept secret, and in the end neither did any my friends. We all had dark pasts, pasts in which the media refused to neglect even in the slightest, things no one else could understand, not even each other in some instances.

My group consisted of Kori Anders, Garfield Logan, Dick Grayson, and Victor Stone. We had all had our share of media attention, some more then others, and others more disturbing. The reason people couldn't grasp why we were all friends was because we were all so different. We had been through some of the same tragic things and yet we were only human, we had all adapted in different ways.

Kori, she had lost her father to an accident when she was young, Dick was the same, except he had lost both of his parents. I don't know too much of the details but it had taken a toll on them just like it would anyone else. The two of them had latched onto each other in a friendship type lifeline. They were surviving merely through the existence and strength of each other, and I admired them for it. Kori had dealt with her pain by remaining her young innocent self, as if when she lost her father, her ability to see the worst in things disintegrated. She was a teenage girl who had felt loss and truly believed that nothing could be as worse as the pain she felt in losing her father, she saw the beauty in everything and believed things could only get better. Dick, on the other hand, he had Kori to help him see the beauty in things, something he struggled with. He became this playboy to our city, and it was my opinion that he feared happiness merely because he was afraid he would only lose it. He never kept a girlfriend for too long, especially when clingy behavior was initiated. It seemed, while he was friends with all of us, the only consistent amount of happiness he had was with Kori... and even that was faltered now and then. In times of pain he would hurt Kori, not physically but mentally. He would have episodes of anger when things were going good for him and he'd push all those around him away, Kori feeling the worst of it, but then he would always return to us. It was as if he was conflicted with any amount of happiness he felt.. as though it frightened him to believe his own emotions, or that he even deserved happiness.

Now Gar, he had lost his parents too. It was a boating accident that had occurred one summer while the entire family was vacationing on their yacht. Of course, the media surrounded the family, his parents having been famous scientists. You see, it wasn't just the loss of his parents that Gar had on his shoulders, he had also been through something equally as traumatic. When he was young, I'm not sure how old, he never exactly told me, but he had been diagnosed with cancer. His parents couldn't bare to see the pain he was in so they quit their jobs and worked day and night at home to try and find a cure for him. It was not even a month before his parents died when they had actually succeed. I'm not sure what type of cancer it was, or how they managed to figure out the cure, but it followed them to their graves, granting them infamy from the media. They had done the experiment, which of course cured Gar, but they had done it without proper clearance. Whether Gar was their son or not, their actions would have been dealt with by the law with much conflicting theories merely based on the fact that the serum they used had gone on untested. Either way, Gar survived, and his parents, along with their miraculous work, were gone. Gar to this day swears it was his fault they had died and that he shouldn't have done something, but again... the past cannot be altered. As a result, Gar had become this goofy guy, who found comical relief in everything. I could tell it was all a disguise to hide his pain, but who was I to judge, we all wore our masks one time or another.

Now, lastly, is Victor, and his and Gar's story are somewhat similar. For instance, they had become friends as a result of their parents, both sets being scientists, and at one time worked together. And just like the rest of us, Vic had lost his mother. I think Vic had it a lot worse then he made it seem, because he had been in the car with his mother when it crashed. She was dead, and he had almost lost a leg, the insertion of metal joints being the only solution.

In the end, the point I'm trying to make is that we were all friends because we were all outsiders, each in our own way. We were broken, merely walking dead souls who had seen pain, felt it, and still did. Whether in the form of a smiling, giggling attitude or mine, which was more reserved, we were all shaken by loss, the fear of these memories weighing heavy on each of our choices. Even as I looked to Kori, who remained asleep on the couch before me I smiled inside. She had always told me that the reason others viewed me as nothing more then a target for criticism was because a part of them admired my ability to honestly not care about the opinions others had of me, and hated how easy it was for me to be comfortable with myself. Which was only, yet another reason, why Kori and I meshed so well. She and I were the same person in a lot of ways, like light shinning into a prism. I was the solid, boring color that entered and she was the rainbow found on the other side, and yet we were still a pieces of the same light. She was nothing short of original to herself. She didn't really care what people thought about her, nor that they viewed her as fake, because she knew she wasn't. She loved everything and everyone merely because she loved the essence of life and beauty and possibilities.

Kori, as I said, was asleep on the couch still, it had been a few hours, but I didn't mind the silence. Of course, it didn't last long. I knew by the fact that Kori had turned her cell phone off that it meant Dick was being clingy again, and inevitably he would show up at the doorstep. To be honest I was surprised it had taken him this long, but sure enough... my silence was shattered by a knock upon the door.

My eyes moved slowly to Kori, she remained unflinching at the sound. I closed my book with a sigh and slowly made my way to the door. I paused, my hand on the door knob as I heard more then one voice muffled behind the door. I inhaled deeply, then slowly opened the door. "What?"

Dick stood beside Vic and Gar, all fell silent as they looked to me.

"Can I help you with something?" I asked carelessly.

"Is Kori there?" Dick asked, his smile unwavering to me.

"No."

I went to close the door on them, but Dick had braced an arm against the door, shoving it open again. "I know she's here."

He walked passed me, all three boys did, as if my standoffish behavior wasn't enough of a warning to leave. I turned to Dick as he continued to speak, my arms crossed.

"I should of known she;'d be lounging." He said looking to a sleeping Kori.

"Which is why you should go."

Dick turned to me with a raised brow. He knew his charm didn't work on me, I knew him too well. "We'll just wait here til she wakes up."

"If she wanted you here she would have invited you."

Dick laughed, entering the kitchen now. "I'm starting to think you don't like me that much Rae."

I rolled my eyes. "Would it be so hard to believe one person on this planet doesn't hold you in a grand light?"

He chuckled again, the thought sounding merely ridiculous to him. "And here I thought we were friends."

I sighed. "We are Dick. I just... I'm in a mood."

"Is there ever a time when your not?" I heard Gar whisper to to Vic.

My eyes glanced over to Gar, he stood with his normal enthusiastic gleam. My brow quivered slightly, as I struggled to hold back my irritation for him. "Scratch that, Dick I don't mind if you stay but these other two have got to go."

"Come on," Vic whined. "... and what did I do to you?"

"You brought the grass stain along."

Vic laughed, Gar whined, I smiled, and Dick disappeared into the living room again. We all joined now, and I could see Dick sit beside Kori, his hand upon her arm as he tried to wake her. Vic and Gar vanished into their world of video games as I sat across from them, my book at hand now. I sighed, looking to Dick and Kori. They were so obvious sometimes. Dick adored Kori and she worshiped him so why they pretended as though they were just friends is beyond me. They were definitely far closer then any friend I ever had,... but then again that's just me.

I looked to Kori whose eyes had flickered open at the touch of Dicks hand upon her. She looked to me with a yawn and sat upright.

"Morning sunshine." I said carelessly.

She smiled that vibrant smile of hers, the one that made me want to vomit sometimes because she was so happy. Its not that I envied her, just that while she and I had a lot in common, she was equally so... different from me.

"How long has everyone been here?" She asked me.

I shrugged. "Your fan club arrived just minutes ago."

She laughed. "They're your friends too Rachel."

"Yes but I doubt they were here for me."

"Because your always in such a pleasant mood." Gar said, taking a moment from his video games to annoy me.

I ignored his comment and looked to Dick. "So... why are you here?"

I paused as Kori looked to Dick with an odd glance. I knew from the expression on her face she was deciphering what Dick was about to say, and I was right, she ended up answering my question for him.

"You ended things with Becca?"

He nodded. "Yep."

"I'm sorry." Kori said, her hand upon his now.

Everyone in the room, even Kori, knew Dick didn't actually take his break ups personal. After all he was the one who always ended things, and yet Kori always offered her condolences ... as if Dick was innocent in the matter.

"Its alright..." he said with a shrug.

"There will be others." I said lowering the book to my lap now and looking to Vic and Gar. "Thirty bucks gentleman."

Their eyes widened, and pausing their video game they looked to me.

"For what?"

"What did we miss?" Vic asked. His eyes were wide in disbelief.

I smiled. "Four days... I called it."

Gar looked to Dick now. "Come on man, I had a week."

"I had two more days!" Vic growled as he dug fifteen bucks from his pocket and unwillingly handed it to me.

I smiled then turned to Gar. He had a pout upon his face that I almost felt the need to smile about. When his mouth wasn't moving he was actually ... never mind.

The mood in the room as Kori awoke was a calmer one now. The video games remained in a halt and conversation began among all of us.

"So... I heard Bruce is outta town." Vic said, his tone underlined with suggestive mischief.

Dick rolled his eyes. "I don't know..."

"Alfred's out of town too." Kori added.

"Nice!" Gar squealed. "Dick, this is gonna be one hell of a party."

Dick sighed very well aware of Gar's plans. "What party?"

"The one that your throwing, ... tonight!" Gar stood, his hands out at his sides as he represented the idea with far too much enthusiasm.

The room looked to me as I spoke now. "It actually doesn't sound like a bad idea."

I ignored the suggestive look Kori gave me as her eyes glanced back and forth between Gar and I and focused on Dick. He ran a hand through his over gelled spiked hair. "Alright... yea..." he looked to Kori. "... sound good to you?"

Before Kori could respond Vic was on his phone alerting the entire school about the party. I focused on Kori now, she seemed kind of hesitant. "A party doesn't sound good to you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, I'm still kind of tired."

I smiled. "But maybe the guy your crushing on will show." I paused as her eyes went wide, her cheeks flushed slightly. The memory of her telling me Dick was to remain in the dark about this flooded to my thoughts. "Damn... sorry Kor. I forgot."

She blushed, ignoring the jealous look Dick had on her. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and giggled slightly. "No... that was... it was a long time ago."
My brow raised at her, but I made no comment. It was obvious she wanted to end the subject and I was more then happy not to bother with it any longer. I stood. "Well, I guess I should get ready." I pulled my hooded sweater over my head and returned to my seat. "There."

Kori was giggling at me as she stood, nervously avoiding Dicks gaze. "I should probably get ready too."

As she disappeared up the stairs, Dicks glare fell to me. I sighed, his jealousy was not my concern nor was it even his if we wasn't going to do anything about it. I nodded in his general direction then lifted my book again.

"So... what did Kori say exactly?" He asked, trying to be as non conspicuous as possible.

I looked to him, his eager blue eyes screaming in anticipation fro my response. It wasn't my place to divulge any of the secrets Kori had told me, no matter how close she and Dick were. With a careless shrug I said, "In reference to what?"

"I mean, ..." he hesitated, and I noticed him pass a nervous glance to Vic and Gar who had returned their attention to the video game they were playing. He then looked to me again, lowering his voice to a mere whisper. "...who is this guy? ... the one she told you about?"

I kept my gaze on my book as I responded. It was a conversation I was hoping would be brief. "She didn't say."

"DO you have any ideas who it might be?"

"No."

I could hear the frustration in his voice as I continued to give him brief responses. I would think he would have been used to me by now but apparently not.

"What about..."

"I don't know, Dick. Why don't you ask her yourself?"

He was quiet now, as if by even suggesting that he ask Kori himself was a frightening thought. His attention turned to the video games on the screen. "I play winner."

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(A/N) So, this is the Rachel POV I was excited about, and hopeful it holds up to any expectation you had for her. This chapter was a lot of fun for me to write so while its a little different from the other chapters, hopefully this is a fresh, crisp perspective of the story. Thanks for reading, and please remember to R/R =]