Memoirs of a Duchess

by hg600

Malory assigns Archer and Lana to protect the Takkoku Temple in Tokyo from the dangerous Yakuza gang, but when they land in Japan, Archer goes out and brings geishas back to the temple, which makes Lana angry, because they are going to endanger the mission, and when Archer tricks the Geishas and priests into getting drunk, chaos follows, which only gets worse when Lana sees the gei

COLD OPEN

INT. ISIS OFFICE
Malory talks to Archer and Lana.

MALORY
Sterling Malory Archer! What on earth

are you doing!?

ARCHER
I'm teaching Woodhouse how to use chopsticks

as deadly ninja weapons. It seems pretty self explanatory mother.

LANA

Said the asshole...

MALORY
Enough nonsense Sterling! Just because

your going on a mission to Japan doesn't mean that you can start acting like a buffoon.

ARCHER
I'm sorry you don't appreciate martial

arts Mother, I guess it more of an acquired taste.

LANA
Yea, an idiot doing martial arts, its

not like your going to end up hurting someone or anything.

MALORY
Enough! You and Lana are going to go

to the Takkoku temple in Tokyo, and protect it from the Yakuza gang, they are interested in stealing the sacred treasure from the temple vault.

ARCHER
Ok mother, that sounds easy enough,

now can I get back to more important matters?

Archer is aiming metal chopsticks at a hello kitty doll on top of Woodhouse's head.

ARCHER (CONT'D)
Stay still Woodhouse, and make sure

you don't move an inch, I wouldn't want to hit that beautiful face of yours.

WOODHOUSE

Yes sir.

ARCHER
And don't worry Woodhouse, I have

impeccable aim.

Pam walks through the door to hand some papers to Malory just as Archer is throwing a chopstick.

PAM Ouch!

ARCHER
See Woodhouse, you're fine, I told you

you had nothing to worry about it.

PAM
Ahh! why do I have a metal chopstick

in my eye!?

LANA
Jesus! What the hell was that Archer!?

Why did you do that?

ARCHER
Everyone, relax, it's not my fault she

walked in just as I was throwing the chopstick, and besides, she's kind of hard to miss...

MALORY
Sheryl! Get in here and help Pam!

Sheryl comes in and carts Pam off in a wheelbarrow.

LANA
And why are you wasting your time with

chopsticks anyway? You know we have guns right? And they will be a lot more helpful once we are fighting off the Yakuza.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 3.

ARCHER
Who said anything about the Yakuza?

I'm practicing to show off to Geishas, awesome ninja skills are considered the ultimate aphrodisiac in Japan, duh.

MALORY
You will most certainly not! Your job

is to get over to that temple as soon as you land in Japan!

LANA
You truly are the world's biggest

douchebag. Not only are you going to embarrass yourself, you are also going to get us killed over there!

Lana storms off.

MALORY
You better not screw this up Sterling!

ARCHER
Don't worry mother, there's only one

thing I'm going to screw, and its not the mission...Get it?

...

MALORY

END OF COLD OPEN

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 4. ACT I

INT TAKKOKU TEMPLE
Archer holds a poster of a group of geishas.

ARCHER
Look at them Lana, have you ever seen

something so sexy, yet so cute at the same time? They should invent a word for that.

LANA
Yea, its called having yellow fever...

ARCHER
Is that like jungle fever?

LANA
You are unbelievable...

LANA (CONT'D)
Ok, I'm going to go talk to the

priests, see if I can get more information about the Yakuza, start setting up a defensive perimeter around the temple.

ARCHER
No problem, but first things first,

where are all the Geishas?

ARCHER (CONT'D)
Is it nap-time or something? Cause I

could actually use a nap.

LANA
No asshole, its not nap time, there's

no Geishas's here because they don't usually live in ancient temples...

ARCHER
What!? Your kidding right? Your

telling me I came all the way to Japan to be stuck in a temple with a bunch of old priests, and not a single Geisha?

LANA
Sorry, but what can I tell you, I

don't make the rules, you're just gonna have to nut up.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 5.

ARCHER
And how exactly am I supposed to nut

up with no geishas around?

LANA
Well, you've been eye banging that

picture since we got here.

ARCHER
Wow, Lana, you don't "bang" a Geisha,

that's disrespectful, you make sweet love to her.

LANA
And why the hell are you dressed like

that? You look like a douchebag.

ARCHER
This is a traditional Japanese garmet,

haven't you ever seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?

LANA
I'm speechless. Crouching Tiger Hidden

Dragon is a Chinese movie you idiot! Your ignorance never ceases to amaze me.

ARCHER
Well...I still look awesome.

INT INSIDE THE ISIS OFFICE
Malory is eavesdropping on Pam and Sheryl.

PAM
Lower your voice Sheryl! is

going to hear you!

SHERYL
Don't worry, she always takes a nap in

her office at this time. And besides, everyone in the office already knows.

Cyril walks in.

CYRIL
Know what? No one ever tells me

anything in this office.

PAM
That's because you're a creep.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 6. CYRIL

What? How am I a creep?

PAM
You just have a creepy quality about

you, its hard to explain, but like right now, you just creeped up out of nowhere.

CYRIL
But this is my office!

PAM Still creepy...

SHERYL
Anyway, we were talking about the

mother's day gift is hiding in his apartment.

PAM
Yea, I heard he went all out for this

one.
Malory walks into Cyril's office.

MALORY
What is it!? Tell me what Archer got

me for mothers day!

PAM
Wow, calm down there pussycat. We

weren't talking about you.

MALORY
But I heard you say is

hiding a mother's day gift in his apartment.

SHERYL
I was talking about , my

neighbor...

MALORY
Am I supposed to believe that?

Yes?

SHERYL

MALORY
Tell me what Sterling is hiding in his

apartment or you are all fired.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 7.

PAM
We don't know what it is! We just

heard him talking about it to Lana, he said it was the most epic mother's day gift of all time.

MALORY
I knew he would get me something great

for mother's day! But I can't wait until he comes back from Japan to see it.

Mallory walks out of the office and heads to Archer's apartment.

CYRIL Way to go ladies...

INT ARCHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING Malory is banging on the door.

MALORY
Woodhouse, its Malory, could you let

me in?

WOODHOUSE
I'm sorry madam, but I have strict

orders from not to do so.

MALORY
Woodhouse! Are you forgetting that I'm

the one who pays your salary? Let me in!

WOODHOUSE
I'm afraid that what will do

to me if I let you in is far worse than not getting paid. I'm sorry.

Woodhouse walks over to the door and presses a button.

WOODHOUSE (CONT'D) , I have just activated the "Preparation H" defense sequence, for

your own safety, I beg you to please reconsider.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 8.

MALORY
The only thing I'm going to reconsider

is in which part of your body I'm going to put my foot in!

EXT - TAKKOKU TEMPLE
Archer and Lana set up a perimeter.

ARCHER
Lana, can you hold down the fort until

I come back?

LANA
Excuse me? Where do you think you are

going?

ARCHER
Do you expect me to just stay here

with you and a bunch of priests? What do priests do for fun anyway?

ARCHER (CONT'D) Wait, don't answer that.

LANA
We didn't come to Japan just so you

could have fun jackass.

ARCHER
Don't worry Lana, operation "Pin the

tail on the Geisha" won't take long.

LANA
Ugh, your disgusting..And I suppose

I'm just going to let you walk away and ruin the mission?

ARCHER
Is that a trick question?

LANA
No asshole! You're not going anywhere!

A ninja star comes out of nowhere and nearly hit Lana's head.

LANA (CONT'D) What the shit was that!?

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 9. ARCHER

Lana, get down! It's a hate crime!
A half dozen ninja stars go flying by, barely missing them.

LANA
Where are they coming from?

ARCHER
I don't know, but just because you

resemble godzilla doesn't mean they should be attacking us!

LANA
That's not why they're attacking us

asshole!

ARCHER
Oh yea? Why else would they be

attacking us?

LANA
Maybe because they're trying to get

into the temple to steal the treasure! Another 6 ninja stars land near them.

LANA (CONT'D) Look, up on the roof!

LANA (CONT'D)
What the hell Archer? Why are you

putting on a blindfold!?

ARCHER
Lana, will you please let me enjoy

this moment.

Archer throws three simultaneous metal chopsticks and hits the mark on all three attackers.

ARCHER (CONT'D)
Did you see that!? That was awesome.

They didn't even see it coming. Did you see it Lana!? Man, I wish I could have seen it. But I couldn't, because, you know, I was blindfolded.

LANA
Yea, I saw it, you are the best

blindfold chopstick throwing secret agent I have ever seen...

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 10.

ARCHER
Thanks Lana, that really means a lot

to me, seriously. But you know, throwing metal chopsticks is not the only thing I can do while blindfolded...

Priest Penn Sanji enters. Archer sneaks out quietly.

PRIEST PENN SANJI Is everything ok?

LANA
Everything is fine sir, we took care

of the situation, the temple is safe.

PRIEST PENN SANJI Where did go?

LANA Oh shit...

END OF ACT I

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 11. ACT #2

EXT DOWNTOWN TOKYO

Archer walks towards a Geisha Teahouse. A mysterious man bumps into him.

MAN
Watch where you're going pretty boy..

ARCHER
Hey buddy, you bumped into me, how

about showing some respect.

MAN
If you go inside that geisha teahouse,

it will be the mistake you've ever made.

ARCHER
What? What are you talking about? How

did you know where I was going?

ARCHER (CONT'D) Did Lana put you up to this?

MAN'
No, I came here to warn you, its for

your own safety.

ARCHER
Thanks champ, but I think I'll be ok.

MAN
You've been warned, my job here is

done.
The man walks away.

ARCHER
Man, what do the Japanese put in their

weed? That guy was delusional.

Archer walks into the Geisha Teahouse.

ARCHER (CONT'D)
Wow, pornos definitely don't do this

place justice.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 12.

ARCHER (CONT'D) Hello ladies, you guys are as

exquisite as I imagined, my name is...

GEISHA #1
Hi , its a pleasure to meet

you!

ARCHER
Wait, how do you know my name?

GEISHA #2
Everybody knows who the great Sterling

Archer is, you are a legend.

ARCHER
Well, can't argue with that.

GEISHA #3 What brings you to Japan?

ARCHER
That doesn't matter. Its your lucky

day, I'm throwing an awesome party back at my temple, and you are all coming.

Archer walks out of the Teahouse with an entourage of 20 Geishas.

INT TAKKOKU TEMPLE
Archer walks into the Temple with his Geisha entourage.

ARCHER
Lana, its not polite to stare.

Archer walks through into the main room.

LANA
Of course he did...

Priest Penn Sani walks in.

PRIEST PENN SANJI , what is the meaning of this?

LANA
I'm very sorry sir, it seems that

Archer has lost his mind, but don't worry, I will take care of this.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 13.

PRIEST PENN SANJI
Please do, there is no time for this,

the Yakuza could attack at any second.

LANA Yes sir.

Priest Penn exits. Lana follows Archer into the room.

LANA (CONT'D) Archer! What the hell were you

thinking? I knew you were an asshole, but did you really have to bring back 20 of them?

GEISHA #1
Mr. Archer, who is this big handed and

angry woman?

LANA Excus...

ARCHER
Where are your manners Lana!? It would

haver been rude to invite just one and not the rest...

ARCHER (CONT'D)
How about trying to show some class

for a change?

LANA
How about you try stickin...

ARCHER
Don't mind her, she's just my

traveling maid, although not a very good one.

LANA
Yea, and he's my personal biach...

ARCHER
Wow, Lana, relax, I was only half

kidding.

LANA
Really? that's funny considering

you're were a dick and half.

ARCHER You hear that ladies?

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 14. LANA

I didn't mean it like that!

ARCHER
Its ok Lana, you've had first hand

experience.

LANA
Wasn't much of an experience...

The geishas chuckle.

ARCHER
Oh your gonna play like that!? Fine. I

was just messing around, but now I'm going to go hard on you. Watch your back.

Archer exits with his Geisha entourage.

INT TAKKOKU TEMPLE - AN HOUR LATER

Archer, the geishas, and priests are having a party. Lana pulls Archer away from the chaos to talk to him.

LANA
Archer! This is a disaster!

ARCHER
What are you talking about? Aren't you

having a good time? The Japanese know how to party! Sake bombs!

Three drunken priests run across the room in their underwear.

LANA
Sure, what part of horny drunken

priests doesn't sound fun?

ARCHER
Its ok Lana, I also got the Geishas

drunk, so it evens out.

LANA
Yes, I'm sorry, that makes it all

better...douchebag.

LANA (CONT'D)
And how did you manage to get them

drunk?

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 15.

Cut to flashback
Archer is in a large bedroom talking to the geishas.

ARCHER (CONT'D)
This is a special herbal drink I

brought over from America, it has the power to connect you with ancient spirits.

GEISHA #2
What does Jose Cuervo mean?

ARCHER
Uh..that's the name of the man that

discovered it, he's a visionary. Here, try some of it.

ARCHER (CONT'D) Wait, your not supposed to chug

it...never mind. Cut back to present

LANA
Ugh, your such an asshole! And how did

the priests get drunk?!

ARCHER
They overheard the effects of the

drink and asked if they could have some.

LANA
That doesn't mean that you had to give

it to them!

ARCHER
Who am I to stop them from finally

having a good time Lana.

GEISHA #1 Archer San! Come back here!

ARCHER
Sorry Lana, I have to get back in

there, we're doing the Japanese Limbo, its just like American limbo, but they use something different as the stick.

LANA
Ugh, that's disgusting! Even for you.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 16.

ARCHER
Jesus Lana, they use bamboo, get your

mind of out the gutter.
Archer walks out and a half naked priest walks in.

PRIEST PENN SANJI
Where is my beautiful African Goddess?

I want to worship your body.

Priest Penn pulls down his pants

LANA
I'm sorry , but you leave me no

choice.
Lana puts him in a sleeper hold and he passes out.

LANA (CONT'D)
Archer is going to pay for this!

INT TEMPLE MAINR ROOM Lana is alone.

LANA
Archer! Where the hell did you go?! I

won't let you get away with this. Lana hears a scream across the temple

ARCHER
Lana! Help! This is going to kill me!

LANA
Oh my god! The Yakuza ambushed Archer!

Lana runs in Archer's direction.

ARCHER
Lana! Please help! I can't take it

anymore!

LANA
I knew he was going to get himself

killed!

ARCHER I can't do it! Ahh!

Lana busts through the door and finds Archer lying on the floor.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 17. ARCHER (CONT'D)

Thanks a lot Lana!

LANA
Archer! What the fu*k?! Why where you

screaming like that?

ARCHER
We were playing twister, and I had my

body stretched to the limit, there's no way I could have reached the yellow one in the middle, let alone the circle, so I needed your help, but you had to take your sweet time!

LANA
Ahh, I'm going to kill you!

Lana picks up a lamp.

ARCHER Lana, put that down!

Lana smacks Archer in the head with he lamp, knocking him out.

LANA
That should slow him down...your

welcome ladies.

INT ARCHER'S APARTMENT
Malory broke in and is now outside of Archer's bedroom.

MALORY Woodhouse, just give up!

WOODHOUSE
I'm sorry madam, but I can't do that.

Cut back to flashback Archer talks to Woodhouse ARCHER

Are we clear Woodhouse? If you let my mother through, I will torture you until you start crying, then I'll take your eyeballs out and use your tears as coffee sweetener.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 18.

Yes sir.

WOODHOUSE

ARCHER
That reminds me, pick up some coffee

sweetener, we're out. Cut back to present

MALORY
Woodhouse! Once I get in there, your

the one that will be sorry!

WOODHOUSE
Pleas reconsider, I don't want anyone

to get hurt.

MALORY
What makes you think you can hurt me?

I already got past the angry crabs in the kitchen, the ocelot family in the living room, and the kangaroo robots in the hall!

WOODHOUSE
Forgive me , but you leave

me no choice. Prepare yourself.

Reveal - Woodhouse is dressed up as a ninja. Everything gets quiet.

MALORY
What are you talking about?

Woodhouse sticks sword through the door.

MALORY (CONT'D)
Are you insane! You could have killed

me! Crazy old man! Woodhouse walks out and attacks.

WOODHOUSE
Please defend yourself madam!

Woodhouse attacks.

MALORY
It will take more than that to defeat

Malory Archer!
Malory and Woodhouse begin an all-out fight.

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 19.

INT TAKKOKU TEMPLE
An hour after the incident.

LANA
I should go check on Archer, I hit him

pretty hard.

Lana walks into the room. Archer is still unconscious.

LANA (CONT'D)
I actually like him much better like

this. Wait, where did the geishas go?
Lana sees a geisha walking by herself, follows her. INT TEMPLE VAULT ROOM
Talking to herself, looking at the geishas.

LANA
What the hell are they doing?

GEISHA #1
Are the explosives ready? That vault

doesn't stand a chance.

GEISHA #2
Good thing those American secret

agents were so stupid, they actually thought we were geishas!

LANA
(whispering) Holy shit! They are the

Yakuza, and Archer walked them right into the temple!

GEISHA #3
Yea, especially the angry black woman,

she had no idea.

GEISHA #1
Yea, she was too busy being jealous to

notice, she really likes that Archer guy.

LANA (Yells out) I do not!

Uh oh...

LANA (CONT'D)

Archer "Memoirs of a Duchess" 20.

Grab her!

GEISHA #1

LANA
No, Let me go! Arch..

GEISHA #1
Your gonna sit here while we take all

the treasure, some secret agent you are.

END OF ACT II