I do not own any of the stuff I mentioned at the beginning of chapter 2.
Chapter 5: Economic Systems, World Building, and Other Fun Things
Last time on Harry Potter and the Magnificent Farce: see previous page
Harry woke up early: about midday. Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.
"It was a dream," he told himself sadly. "I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a school for wizards. A flying orangutan tried to kill us. Rowan Atkinson flew by on a broomstick. The military shot at us with AA guns. When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."
There was suddenly a loud tapping noise.
And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door, Harry thought, his heart sinking still further. But he still didn't open his eyes. It had been such a good dream.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
"All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."
He sat up and the duvet slid down his chest. He was in a room with whitewashed walls, a dresser and a chair. Someone was tapping on the door. He walked over and opened it, too stunned to speak.
Outside was a smiling, toothless man. "Hello, I'm Tom. I'm the innkeeper here at the Leaky Cauldron, and it's a pleasure to see you in person, Mr. Potter."
Harry couldn't think of anything to say except for, "Thanks, it's a pleasure to meet you, too."
The innkeeper beamed, then apologized for keeping him, told him that Hagrid was down in the bar, and wished him a great day.
Harry pulled on a clean shirt and a pair of blue jeans someone had thoughtfully left him on the dresser. He couldn't believe they actually fit. When he was ready, he went downstairs looking for Hagrid. The bar was crowded with people of all discriptions. It was difficult to miss Hagrid. He took up one end of the bar all by himself. He was chatting with a pale young man with one twitching eye who was wearing a white turban, a mustache, and an eyepatch. Harry walked over, dodging through the crowded room.
"Good mornin'!" Hagrid called happily, "'Ow'd yeh sleep?"
"Very well. Hagrid, what happened wasn't a dream, was it?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't."
"I really am a wizard," he asked excitedly.
"Yes, yer a wizard Harry."
"And the flying orangutan?"
"It would be kind of hard ter avoid them in tha' region, yes."
"And Rowan Atkinson?"
"Yes."
"And the military trying to shoot us down?"
"Err, no. That one was a dream, 'Arry. Anyway, I'd like you to meet Professor Quirrell. He'll be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."
"P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell in a thick Indian accent, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."
"What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"
"D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts," muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it. "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" he laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've g-got to pick p-pick up a new b-book on vampires and something from Gringotts, myself." He looked terrified at the very thought, taking a swig out of his pint mug.
"Well, we'll see yeh!" Hagrid waved good-bye. "Thank goodness yeh came down when yeh did. I don't like him. He's very queer, yeh know. Well, I suppose he can't be tha' bad if Dumbledore gave 'im the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. He trusts him more than Professor Snape, at least."
"What do I need for school?" Harry asked him.
"Let's see, I've got yer list righ' 'ere."
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Uniform
First-year students will require:
1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)
2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear
3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or leather)
4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings, fur trim)
5. One tie (again, black. No silly looking ties)
Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags
Girls will require:
1. Three mini-skirts
2. Three pairs of knee-high socks
Boys will require:
1. Three pairs of trousers
2. One set of balls
Course Books
All students should have a copy of each of the following:
The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk
A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot
Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling
A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch
One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore
Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble
Other Equipment
1 wand
1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)
1 set glass or crystal phials (NO plastic)
1 telescope
1 set brass scales (or a battery-powered scale)
Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad OR a rat OR a raven OR a rock (No Thestrels, please!)
PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS
"Can we buy all this in London?" Harry asked skeptically.
"Sure, we can get all this out back."
"At outback? Great, I'm starving."
"Not a restaurant, behind the inn."
"Welcome," said Hagrid, "ter Diagon Alley."
He grinned, gesturing broadly as Harry hid a snort. Diagon Alley? What comedian had come up with that name? The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop.
"You'll be needing one o' them," Hagrid said, pointing, "but we need ter get yer money first."
At the end of the street was a tall building covered from top to bottom with ads. Hagrid pointed at it and said reverently, "Gringotts."
Outside the great burnished bronze doors stood a-
"Yup, that's a goblin, all right," said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the broad stone steps toward him.
The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry and was wearing, appropriately, he supposed, a suit and tie. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard, and, Harry noticed, very long hands and feet. He bowed as they walked inside. Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them. Harry read about half the lines before they walked through them. They fetched some money from Harry's vault, which held tall stacks of coins in various sizes, shapes, and colors.
"All right, now I'm going ter explain the money system," said Hagrid, "There are roughly thirty Knuts in a Sickle, twenty Sickles in a Galleon, and ten Galleons in a Bullion."
The goblin, whose name was Griphook corrected him, "No, there are seventeen Sickles in a Galleon, twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, and there is no such thing as a Bullion."
Hagrid scratched his head, "Are yeh sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! I work at a bank, don't I?"
"Could yeh start making Bullions?"
"Excuse me?"
"Could yeh start making Bullions?" Hagrid said in a louder and slightly slower voice. "I wouldn't have any use fer 'em, but I still think it sounds good. It does, don't it?"
The goblin must have had enough, because he opted to change the subject just then. "Where to next?" he asked resignedly.
"Vault three hundred and seven- no. One hundred and- hold on," he dug through his pockets, pulling out random crap, like ticket stubs and moldy dog biscuits. "Here it is," he said, pulling out a slip of paper, "Vault seven hundred and thirteen, please.
Within vault seven hundred and thirty-someth- That is, I mean – Within vault six hundred and forty-three - In vault something hundred and second digit-third digit was a small dirty package, which Hagrid had tucked into one of his pockets within seconds and they were back in the cart.
Outside, Hagrid told Harry he was feeling ill and wandered off to get a drink while Harry collected his school supplies. Harry went to Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions first. A squat, smiling witch in mauve led him to the back of the shop where a boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned on his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.
"Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"
"Yes," said Harry.
"My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," the boy said smugly."Then I'm going to convince them to buy me a racing broom. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."
Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.
"Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on.
"No," said Harry.
"Play Quidditch at all?"
"No," Harry said again, wondering what Quiddyfitch was.
"I do – Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my house team, and he should know, he works in law. Know what house you'll be in yet?"
"No," said Harry, getting irritated by the lack of openings for sarcastic comments.
"Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they? But I know I'll be in Slytherin - all our family have been. Imagine being in Hufflepuff; I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"
"What's Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.
"Exactly," the boy said, apparently agreeing with him, somehow.
Just then, the witch who had fitted him when had she left?came back with three sets of robes for him. The pale boy told them to work faster as Harry left.
Hagrid was waiting outside with a couple large ice creams and a grin on his face. Harry asked him a number of questions, mainly about Quidditch and the four houses. Satisfied with the answers he got they went out to get the rest of his school supplies. They went to the apothecary, which smelled dreadful; Flourish and Blotts, the bookstore, which smelled much better; and Eeylops Owl Emporium, where he got a beautiful snowy owl from Hagrid for the first meaningful birthday present he could remember getting in his lifetime. The only place left to go was Ollivanders, the wand shop.
Hagrid waited outside with Hedwig, because owls weren't allowed in the shop.
Mr. Ollivander was a thin old man with brightly glowing eyes which stood out, glinting in the darkness of the shop. Harry felt distinctly uncomfortable under the gaze of those pale orbs.
"Welcome to my shop. Please, sit down. I shall be right back," he said, entering a back room. He returned a few moments later with a slim black box.
By the end of the encounter, Ollivander had gone through at least fifty before he found the right one. The quality of service was incredible. Then, he learned that Mr. Ollivander was very good at bargaining, and he found that no matter how hard he tried, the price stayed above ten Galleons. Wand in hand, Harry left the shop. They returned to the Leaky Cauldron just before the sun set.
Over the next month, Harry explored Diagon Alley, meeting a variety of magical children. He wasn't the only one who didn't know what to expect in regards to Hogwarts. He met a girl, Hermione Granger, who seemed excited to be going, though she had only learned of magic a few days before. Neville Longbottom, a rather round faced boy from a wizarding family, was very nervous about just about everything.
Another day, he met a pair of boys whose names were Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan, who were both very excited to be going, and determined to be in the same house. Harry took an immediate liking to them and spent the rest of the day with them. There also seemed to be a rather chubby, brown-haired girl following them who seemed to disappear when any of them tried to get a good look at her. The three had found themselves entranced by the appearance of a very pretty student named Blaise Zabini, only to be told he was a boy.
On the last day before he was to head to Hogwarts, he met an older boy in Quality Quidditch Supplies named Oliver Wood, who was there to buy a new broom. He was the Quidditch captain for Gryffindor house. He was very enthusiastic and explained all the rules to Harry in detail.
Which I will spare you the pain of reading, because I have a heart and feel concern for others, unlike Wood. That is, Wood the player, not wood. - Oliver Wood, as opposed to what trees are made of, which is also, granted, rather thoughtless. Take my word for it though, Wood's eyes are on the prize. And by that I mean Quidditch.
Next time on HPMF:
Seamus: This school year is gonna be so awesome!
Dean: I can't wait to sight in my new magic pistol!
Harry: Look out, he's got a gun!
Dean: Don't worry, I know where the safety is. It's this curved part, right?
Hermione: Oh, are we doing a preview? Can I be in it?
Seamus: No, we're done now.
Harry: Yeah, totally done. You missed your opportunity.