(A/N) So, this chapter is also a little on the dark side sooo... please proceed with caution =]
Chapter Twenty-Six: Famous Last Words
(Rachel Roth's POV)
She was right. About everything, about him, about me, and more importantly about who I had become. It didn't matter that I had come to my senses. In the end, it wasn't in time. The damage had already been done, my fate sealed to a life of this moments dark recollection. He was dead and I... I felt like I was right beside him. It's one thing to take a life and entirely another to have unmeasurable satisfaction in this persons death. Sure, my father deserved it, but did that mean that I was any less wrong? No, Kori showed me, brought to my attention that I was in fact nothing but the spitting image of my father. I was everything that he was, and what was worse... I hadn't even realized it. I couldn't take back the undeniable happiness and relief that fluttered in my stomach at the sight of his helpless body shackled and dead. Its dark and gruesome, and as disturbing as it sounds it's a moment I've dreamt of since forever, the mere fact that it was as a result of my own hand, ... it only made this all the better.
And yet... it's the precise reason why it also made it worse. Why was I feeling this way? I couldn't ignore the disgusted and repulsive sensation that rose in the pit of my stomach in a conflict of even stronger emotion. I stared back at his motionless body which slouched forward in an awkward state and while I felt satisfaction that he was no more, an even more empowering emotion came over me. Perhaps empowering isn't the correct term for this because it was in no way a positive emotion. I despise emotions all together, consider them weaknesses that left someone vulnerable and nonetheless pathetic, but this one, it burned far too bright to ignore, too bright even for me to handle. I could handle him dead, I could handle the fact that my endless nightmares of him resurfacing from a crowd to come after me were in the past, and I could even handle the reality that even though he was gone he would never really fade from my thoughts. What I couldn't handle was one fact that occurred to me in an epiphany of tragic realization... he was dead because of me. What was worse, this was something I once thought to be a satisfied emotion that would follow this act and it was no more.
Conflict... yet another aspect of my mind which was far more deadly than anything that could ever truly affect me in the real world. To me, my greatest fear was not just my father but the way he molded my brain into working. It fed off the decrepit, thrived off of torment and it was not as though I could control any of it. My mind encompassed some of the darkest memories, thoughts, preconceived deliveries of death, all meant for him as a result of him and as much as it bothers me, it was because of him that I was like this. I would never really admit, out loud anyway, that I was afraid of anything, but now, right now, I was nothing but terrified. Again, this was because of conflict, the conflicted thoughts that swirl in an endless shadowed image of death itself within the confines of my own mind. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that in this moment, the satisfaction I once held by his death could in no way be any different then the thrill that consumed him after killing my mother, and after almost killing Kori. It was nerve-racking, my stomach churned in an unnatural manner. My senses sharpened to everything around me, my mind conspiring against me, trying to absorb every last detail of this scenario inorder for it to be permanently burned into the fragment of my mind, never to be lost, right down to the very stench of death which hung thick in the air around me.
On one hand, as I have already mentioned, I felt a sick amount of satisfaction at the sight of his helpless body but it was only a mere fragment of what really encompassed my thoughts. And in reality this sensation had quickly receded into a more disgusted feeling. I felt unnatural, inhumane, beyond help, beyond anything at this point. And while I don't normally do this, I can't help but ask if this was normal? It couldn't be and while I was never one for acceptance, I know it was this hurricane of emotions which only made me feel ever more hesitant to be myself. I mean, people don't feel accomplished in the situation I was in. I'm certain none of you would. Its completely insane, these emotions belonged to my father, not me, or at least I always thought it was that way. But no, I was feeling this. I was... pleased, and yet this is where the majority of my mind focused on and I found myself crippling at the realization.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I was no better than him. If not for Kori this fact would have gone unnoticed by me for I don't know how long, but now that she had brought it to my attention, now that it couldn't be changed, how was I suppose to walk away from this impervious, unaffected, unaltered?
The answer... there was no way. I sealed my own fate, my actions obliviously guided by the demented mind of my father, a mind that was slowly becoming mine.
I stared back at him completely speechless. Kori's words rose in an unbearable echoed volume within my mind, and as Dick announced the death of my father my entire body froze. Denial was my first reaction, there was no way my father would be so easily taken out. I had barely given him anything and it was just enough to keep him at bay while I comforted Kori over her discovery of my actions. But even as I knew denial was what this was, I entertained this possibility for a few moments before my brain just... snapped. Something just felt lost within me. I could feel my nerves rattling beneath the surface of my skin, quickly becoming unmanageable. I could tell Dick and Gar were trying to reach me, their words rising in muffled vibrations which went unacknowledged. I could not comprehend a single thing beyond the limits of my own mind. And this, this is where things became too much for me. My eyes remained wide, looking out to my father unblinking and yet I could feel a strange sensation coat over my vision. Suddenly my breath hitched in my throat. I was... crying?
There were no tears that formed quite yet but I could feel them rushing to the back of my eyes mercilessly. I suddenly turned to Dick and Gar with a new-found sense of anger."Get out!"
They looked to me just as upset as I was now. Of course they had every right to be but this wasn't their mistake, it was mine. The last words of my father jabbed at my senses now... 'It was always going to be me or you... choose.'
I stepped to them, shoving at both of them violently. "I said GET OUT!"
They hesitated for a moment then with a few words I did not even try to comprehend they left me to myself. As I heard the wooden door slam shut I turned back to my father his musk scent reaching me. I could feel my body tense up now, tremors overcame me, teasing and taunting me relentlessly beneath my forced composure. I swallowed hard as a single tear escaped me to which I immediately thrust out of existence. I wasn't crying for him, I didn't feel this emotion because of him, no, I felt it because of me, because of what I was, what I had officially labeled myself as. The media, my peers, the world, they all expected something like this from me and as the daughter of Mr. Roth, a well-known murder, I can't help but feel as though I had just fed their every anticipation and perception of who I would inevitably become. No one aside from my friends looked to me as though I was normal and I was fine with that, I just wasn't fine with this. I didn't cry, I didn't whine, I didn't do emotions, that was Kori's thing and yet... here I was consumed in the very emotions in which I loathed.
I had spent these past few restless nights wide awake, my mind dripping black ink over all we are. There will never be sufficient words to encompass the amount of anger, regret, pain,... dare I say fear, that I felt. In reality, to the world, we were just a bunch of stupid kids and we would never been anything other than that. We had been attacked by a very real enemy, and a ruthless one at that, and while the public, media, students who suddenly called themselves our friends and sought us out at the chance of sending their condolences... it was all pissing me off, sinking me deeper into this depression. And in this moment, regardless of our enemy which had been slain, everything that was once occupying my mind heightened. In the end, especially now, especially for me, we weren't just kids, we had lived lives, and continue to lead them, with conviction and strength no one could understand nor compare to. And right now things would only get worse. This situation would either break us or forge an even stronger bond between us. I couldn't ask them to accept what I had done. I didn't want their approval. It didn't matter anyway, what was done was done. The reality of this all suddenly struck me in the chest like lighting. What would be my consequence...? A life of prison? A life in an insane asylum? Either option left me numb mainly because it would be well deserved. There was no way to change this, and the sad part... if I'm being completely honest, a part of me was happy he was dead. As much as it crippled me that I was indeed just like him for having carried out his death, I owed this to Kori, I owed this to my mother, I owed this to myself.
I tried to calm my breathing. It didn't matter that he was dead I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me this way in his presence. There was clearly something wrong with me and I knew there was no way to fix it, or even if I wanted to at this point. I lingered in a panicked pace back and forth for along while, the only sound was that of my stressed breath as it rasped back and forth from my lungs. If I were to explain the way I looked and acted in this moment it would be no different then someone who had lost their sanity, because in truth that's how I felt.
I shook my head as if to try to rid the thoughts that consumed me but it was no use. This moment, this exact moment would never really vanish. It would never subside in the vivid extremity I felt. I paused suddenly remembering the manila envelope in which Komi had given me and I stepped to it. She had given me two small bags of 'medication'. One meant to be the sedative in which in the end killed my father and the other, she said, was for me, just for a little fun. To treat myself after I had accomplished my goal. I laughed now because things suddenly were different.
I fought against my shaky hands and distributed a good amount of the white powder over the wooden table before me. I knew the relief I would feel in partaking in this drug would only be momentary but I felt as though I needed it. I needed to have time to think, to analyze my current situation in further detail, but more importantly I needed to gather myself together. Composure was the most important aspect to me right now. I didn't need my friends knowing how I felt as a result of my father's death and the toll it was taking on me, I'd much rather have them yelling at me then trying to comfort me. I rolled a dollar bill between my fingers and placed one side to my nose and with one prolonged nasally inhale my mind expanded. The world came to a calm around me, a satisfying vibration settled over me and I shut my eyes to welcome it. A shutter ran through my body and with a mere sniffle I repeated the act once more before I felt my mind fully awaken.
Alert... that's how I felt; an extremely... undeniably, .. unwavering sensation of being alert. My breathing was slowing now and as I ran a finger beneath my nose I turned back to my father. The scene before me seemed humorous now, this alone I knew was in no way normal but I really could care less. I quickly gathered the two small bags and forced them back into the envelope then paused resurfacing the one meant for me and placed it securely in my sweater pocket. Stepping out of the room and to the wooden plank overhead I paused. I felt myself inhale deeply then with a shake of my head I entered out into the cold.
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(Dick Grayson's POV)
This was bad, everything had gotten so much worse than I thought possible. This was meant to be a getaway, a weekend away from all the drama and yet it followed us without pause. Now, now Rachel had sealed all of our fates. I can't say that I don't understand why she felt obligated to do what she did and in a perfect world this scenario would have easily played out to perfection. The good guys win and the bad guys are gone forever, but no, she had gone too far now and we all were involved in this. My anger was brimming but I knew in this situation everything had to remain in a constant calm to find a way to fix this, if I could.
My main concern was Kori but this, Mr. Roth dead, it couldn't be ignored.
Gar and I were pacing beside one another when Rachel finally appeared from the hidden room. She was fidgeting incessantly and her eyes remained cold and firm in an emotionless state. I didn't know what she was thinking and I knew Gar didn't either but we had to be delicate with this.
"Lets get out of here." It was all she said before leading us back to the house.
It was an eerie silence that consumed us even as we stepped into the living room. Gar and I came to a halt and observed her as she began to pace slightly, each of us unsure of our next move.
"Rachel..." I said, clearing my throat. She didn't acknowledge me even in the slightest. "Rachel, we need to talk about this. We need..." I fell silent as she continued her pace more frantically now. I looked to Gar and sighed. "Maybe you should try to get through to her. I need to check on Kori."
At the signal of his nod I quickly made my way back to my room. Kori sat up at the edge of the bed in conversation with Vic. While neither one noticed my presence I leaned into the door frame. The mere sound of her shaken voice rose the concern I felt for her even deeper.
"I just... I can't stop seeing them. I don't know what they mean or... or what I'm suppose to do but... they just wont stop. No matter what I do they wont go away."
"Why haven't you discussed this with Dick?"
My brow raised as Kori inhaled deeply. "I just... he's dealing with enough right now. He's constantly worried about me, always concerned with how I'm feeling and I just... I can't tell him this. It would be too much for him. I'm tired of him being upset because of me. I want him to be... happy again. He doesn't sleep right, he hardly eats and..."
I stepped deeper into the room now, my voice reaching out to her calmly. "I am always going to happy when I'm with you Kori."
Both of their bodies jumped at the realization of my presence. Kori looked to me with consumed pain. My heart sunk as she swallowed hard, her eyes lowering to the ground guiltily. I looked to Vic and motioned for him to give Kori and I some time alone and as he left, shutting the door behind him I focused back on Kori.
"I... I just..." she began in a whimper.
I shook my head. "Don't." I lowered myself beside her and placed a hand upon her waist as I drew her closer to me. "Kori... I don't want you concerned with me. Right now, ... this is about you. I know its difficult for you but I just need you to let me be here for you." I raised my hand from her waist to her face, casting a stray lock of hair behind her ear, her gaze locked into mine. "I will never be more happy than when it's just you and me. All I want is to fix this for you... everything. It will get better Kori, it will get easier, but if you don't tell me everything I can't help."
"I just... I don't want what's happening to me to ... to ... change the way you see me. I don't ... I don't feel like I know who I am anymore and..." she paused to shut her eyes as a tear caressed her cheek now. "I just don't know how to get back to who I was." Her petite shoulders arched in a helpless shrug. "How... how do I overcome this? I just feel so lost." She released a small laugh out of embarrassment and continued with an even further shaken voice as her tears became more violent. "I'm... I'm seeing things that aren't there, feeling things I can't control and... I can't make it stop Dick. I can't take the pain. I just want it to go away." I was overwhelmed by her emotions as they poured out before me. Her hands had begun to shake uncontrollably. "I can't close my eyes without seeing him, without him consuming my thoughts, my nightmares... I just... this feels like the end. It feels as though I'm never going to be able to survive this, and seeing him... seeing him again... its like a nightmare that I can't wake up from, and maybe never will."
"I have to tell you something and I... I don't know how you're going to feel about it." As I said this she fell silent. Running a hand through my hair in a moment of hesitancy I forced the words from my mouth. "He's... he's dead."
Her large emerald eyes narrowed. "I just saw him a few hours ago he... he can't be."
I nodded. "He's dead Kori. Believe me."
I remained silent as the realization overcame her. She hesitated then suddenly her body jolted slightly and she slapped a hand over her mouth jumping to her feet and raced toward the bathroom. I followed her quickly, pausing behind her as she leaned over the toilet her body heaving uncontrollably and the only thing that spilled from her mouth was the remnants of her dissolved medication in which she had taken before she slept. I placed a hand against the center of her back gently trying to ease her nerves as I pulled her hair behind her holding it away from her face as she continued to convulse. I knelt beside her, holding her tightly in my arms as she lowered herself to the floor. I was surprised when I noticed her tears had stopped and were replaced with a sense of new-found anger and determination.
"I need to speak with Rachel."
I hesitated, unsure if that was the best option for her right now but quickly obliged as she stood. As we approached the bedroom door we came to a halt at the sound of Rachel and Gar's voices coming toward us. As the door was thrust open Rachel came to a halt before Kori. Both stared at each other for a brief moment in hesitancy. It would be Kori who made the first move.
She lunged toward Rachel, tossing her arms around her tightly and burying her head in Rachel's fragile shoulder, her tears forming again. A small muffled apology being exchanged between them before they separated.
"You were right... about everything and I.. it was too late to ..." Rachel began. I was thoroughly confused and utterly taken back by Rachel's words. They remained emotionless and yet I knew she was attempting to convey some amount of regret in all of this.
"No... I wasn't. Really Rae... you need to understand that I could never truly mean what I said. I was... angry, not even that... I was... I am, I'm not myself." She took a deep inhale then her voice found a more sturdy stream. "But things are different now. It's over."
"No Kori I don't think you understand. I killed him. I..."
"It doesn't matter how he died. In the end... he is, and that's really all that matters."
There was a silence that consumed us now.
An eerie vibe surged through the room at Kori's next words. "Let's go for a drive."
I swallowed hard as everyone, aside from Kori, looked to me for some sort of explanation. The amount of aggression in Kori's voice was one I was not familiar with and while I was almost certain I knew where she was going with this... I needed it confirmed. I presented myself to her side and as my hand greeted hers I called to her. She looked to me and my eyes suddenly drew wide. An uneasy emotion settled over me at the darkness and coldness that hardened over her gaze.
"We take a drive. A long one, and we don't come back until its done... until its finally over."
"Kori..."
It bothered me and I felt somewhat helpless when Kori ignored me completely and stiffened at the sound of Rachel's voice. "This is my fault. No one else. The consequences are my own and I could never ask any of you to..."
"I'm not asking to be apart of this Rachel." Kori began again, her voice sturdy with determination and vengeance. "We are all in this together." Her frantic gaze snapped back and forth over all of us now. "We do this, we make it all go away and we never speak of it again."
"Kori... we need to talk about this before we make any rash decisions." I said.
She glared back at me, turning her body to me with a sense of dominance. "Do you really think I'm going to let Rachel take the fall for this?"
"It is no ones place but my own." Rachel said forcing a comforting smile.
Kori exhaled curtly, looking to Gar and Vic now. "Is this how you two feel as well?" They stared back at her hesitantly, drawing a crazed laugh of disbelief from her. "I can't believe this. You would all have Rachel go to jail for this? If it was anyone... and I mean anyone else, I can understand us not justifying her actions but this... this man was evil. This man..."
"He was a man nonetheless." Gar added. His composure faltered slightly as Rachel looked to him in despair now. She knew he had every right to his opinion, but it didn't mean it hurt her any less. He cleared his throat. "I'm only saying that regardless of what he's done, regardless of what anyone has ever done, any crime and death... I don't think that murdering that person is ... ever... acceptable."
"Gar..." Kori cried, and it was clear to me she had been depending on his love for Rachel to stand beside her on this.
"No. He's right." Rachel added, her voice never more gravelled and monotone, depressed and lifeless then I had ever heard.
"Having said that..." Gar continued. He stepped to Rachel, placing a hand upon her shoulder, peering into her disheveled gaze. "I'm with you..." he shrugged. "... all the way."
I hesitated to add my input as I noticed Rachel inhale deeply. Her gaze had somewhat softened against Gar's. "I don't want any of you to be apart of this."
"Well you should have thought of that before you became friends with us." Vic stated loudly. His confidence bringing Kori further into her scheme. It was now that everyone looked to me. It didn't matter the others were focused on my reaction, no, it was Kori, her glare that had settled over me that mattered. I would never deny her anything, I have said that before and I suppose now is the best time to prove it.
"I still think we should discuss this a little more but..." I hadn't even the chance to tell her I was on her side. That I would do anything she asked of me, before she interrupted in hysterics.
"No!" She somewhat yelled. What hurt more wasn't that she was becoming less of herself or that her previous statement in which she had drawn attention to the fact that she felt lost... no, its wasn't any of that. It was the intense anger she thrust in my direction as she pulled away from me, her glare never taking a pause. She looked to Rachel now. "We're all in this now, and not even now, we've always been. No matter the consequence, no matter the risk, ... " she inhaled deeply. "... no matter the sacrifice..." she looked to me now. "We don't come back until its done."
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(Kori Anders' POV)
A long drive, a silent one at that... this is what our lives had become. If there was ever a chance at moving on, or coming to terms with these past few days which had lingered closer to the border of torment... it was this. I could tell everyone was hesitant with me and my distant, cold brush off of behavior, but it didn't matter, not right now. I couldn't take the nightmares, I couldn't stand the medication, nor would I endure the suffering any longer. This was it, it had to end.
The sun had set hours ago, the sound of shovels invading the earth casting away the several feet of snow which blanketed the rich soil beneath, lingering in silence. Silence was something, I was certain would linger for more than just a while. It would forever hold an estranged spark within our hearts which would always remind all of us of this very scenario. I was frightened, fidgeting and cold but we had to keep going. We dug deep, deeper then was probably necessary. The stench of Mr. Roth's chilled body remained close by, each of us trying to stifle the smell without actually drawing attention to it. It was as if we acknowledged it that it would become more real, and if we remained in silence it was more of a haunting nightmare in which no one would speak of and yet never forget.
I knew the consequences of this moment and while there was always the risk of being found out... it was better than the alternative. I had decided the instant Dick informed me of Mr. Roth's death that this was our moment to shine. It sounds ridiculous, but I suppose I was seeing, feeling, all of this in a skewed light, a light I pity to be directed on anyone. In my mind, this was what was right, it was the only solution. Five shovels, five breathing victims, one villain... one grave; an eternal solution.
My hands were frozen just as much as the others were feeling I'm sure but we were too engulfed in our task to be affected by anything else. We worked for a long while chipping away at the frozen ground beneath us, which had quickly begun to surround us. It was now that the silence was broken, if only for a moment.
Dick inhaled deeply, his breath showering me in a cloud of fog as he looked to me. "We're running out of room. Let me and Vic finish."
I could see he was trying to remain strong in this moment and yet the concern and fear that dwelled within his gaze was not immune to my realization. I had been heartless to him, cold, unendearing and I felt obligate to continue this front until this was done. I stared back at him for a moment then gave him a reluctant nod. I turned to my right meeting the wall of black dirt, discolored by the dominating darkness of night and tried to pull myself back to the surface. My body tensed slightly as I felt the presence of Richard behind me, his chilled hands on my waist as he lifted me out of the hole. I turned looking back down to him as I gathered myself onto my feet. The forced, closed mouthed smile he gave me as he handed my shovel back to my possession stung at my heart. I couldn't allow him to see this simple gesture had affected me so I turned away.
Time... yea, time... what of it? I had come to understand, while it never came to an actual halt, had otherwise directed a sick sense of torment in my life when situations such as this arose. It was endless, and yet, just as it should have been. Crossing my arms over my chest I shivered now, the ability to feel anything was a shock to me. What we were doing, what we continued to do... it wasn't normal and it probably wasn't right, but I'd be damned if I let Mr. Roth make Rachel suffer any further. He had clung to our lives with claws of unbreakable darkness and while it would never truly fade, his hold was going to be forced into submission. We were taking back the lives he had stolen, shunning his demented flicker of life that should never have been given existence. Even as my eyes focused on his lifeless body which remained in the snow, covered in a thick blanket, I felt sick. Sick... and yet could not ignore the thrill which seemed to calm my tremors. He deserved this, we all knew it, but because it was us who had to be responsible for it... it was different. It had to be done. So yea, we would accept the task, if only to protect our own, and right now, the overall insanity of our actions was refused its place in my mind. I could suffer through the realization of our actions later, for now it was time to lather our minds, our hearts, our fears in his descent. Now, keep in mind, I am in no way justifying our actions tonight because I know its wrong, but this is the decision we had made, it was the right for us, and the consequences should we be discovered...we would face together.
An hour later... twenty minutes, ... again, who knows and in the end who cares... we were finally done; it was finally over. Five slouching bodies stared down at a thick patch of disturbed snow, what lay beneath, no matter how many feet below view... it would remain there. Its only acknowledgment would be the nightmares which lingered long after.
Frost, thick breath like frost. Silence. Shutters of disdain. Unmentioned grief. Unaltered sturdy complexes. Impeccable ability to conceal emotion. A pause in the world destined and conceived just for us. This is what encompassed the last few moments before we drove away, never to return, never to speak of this place or what occurred. It was an agreement we made, swore by, and that's the way it would remain.
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(A/N) Creepy... lol I'm assuming this is a completely disturbing side of the teen titans and while things will 'sort of' get back to normal, I really wanted something to define their friendship,a scenario that could either make or break them. What better way to prove the strength of their friendship then a completely devastating scenario as this? Well, I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next so please please... review =]
