I do not own the word "intermission," the original song, or the rights to any Clint Eastwood film.
Intermission: That One Weird Chapter
In Which the Entire School Sings the School Song
Harry grimaced and then he, along with the rest of the school, began to sing the school song to the wacky orchestration of Professor Dumbledore:
"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,
Teach us to be smart, not brutish louts,
Whether we be Chinese or French,
Prepubescent or legally adults,
Our heads could do with filling
With some tasty, sugary stuff,
For now they're full of air,
Impure thoughts, and bits of fluff,
So teach us things worth knowing,
Force you religious beliefs on us,
Just show your trust, we'll drink lots of alcohol ,
And die only when our livers no longer work!"
Harry turned to Ron and asked, "Isn't the school theme a little strange?"
Ron shrugged.
Hermione, who was on his other side, whispered, "The founders generally left the less tasteful tasks to Salazar Slytherin."
Fred and George, a row above them lean forward and joined in, speaking simultaneously, "It's an improvement on the original. There was a lot of dull unfunny stuff in there. Thank the Lord Dumbledore's headmaster."
Dumbledore clapped his hands together, did a back flip and swept one hand over the back of the other.
The students filed out of the Great Hall and went back to their dormitories.
Yes, Wizards Have Sex Ed. Classes
The Dungeon walls were bleak and dripped with a green slime of indeterminable origin. Snape shifted around uncomfortably behind the podium. Harry doodled in his notebook as Snape presented the finer points of reproduction with a clipshow made in the 1950's primarily featuring amoebic multiplication. Snape then passed out pamphlets on the Narwhals and the Dolphins. Harry had much experience in this subject. Uncle Vernon had first exposed him to the information when he was eight years old, like any other child with a Christian Texan Guardian. The one thing he didn't know on the subject was how to attract a girl. Just about every other boy in his year seemed to have the same problem.
Earlier, he had gone to Fred and George for advice.
"So, you want to know the way of the world, eh, Harry?"
"Well you both seem to be good with the ladies. Nothing against the les thing, Fred – er, George. Wait, which one of you is the girl anyway?"
"Me," one said, not said saying her name.
"Nevermind. Why did your parents give both of you male names?"
"Well, we chose our names for ourselves, you see."
"Can the school tell you two apart from your student I.D.?"
"Nah," one laughed as the other explained with a devious smile, "When we showed up to the physical exams, we swapped rooms every time the examiners left, and they got confused, see?"
He/she extended his/her student I.D. for Harry's examination. It read:
Name: Fred Weasley
Age: 13
Sex:?
Harry stared for a few seconds.
"Right, let's get back on track," George said, still smiling, "We woo the ladies by being clever. Charlie used to get the girls with his muscle. Bill is – well, cool. You," he stopped and thought for a minute, "You are a born ladykiller. Who are you mooning after, anyway?"
"Well," Harry blushed, "There's this really cute Ravenclaw –"
Fred and George smiled and said at the exact same time, "Cho Chang."
Harry almost tipped over but straightened himself in time.
"How did you -?"
"She's a real fox, mate. We tried, but she's as smart as any Ravenclaw, and cleverer than anyone besides ourselves. We tried, without success, but maybe you should try your luck. I guess we're just not her type. Be careful though, she could seduce a dementor."
Harry glanced up from his drawing to see Snape dying at the front of the class. He was stuttering off lines from cue cards and his knees were trembling. Then he noticed Harry smiling at him evilly. His manner changed abruptly.
"Curse you, Potter! You wouldn't have the balls to do this if it were a matter of life and death!"
"At least I'm not dumb enough to volunteer."
"I only got shanghaied into this because Dumbledore laughs himself into senility every time he says the word –" Snape clapped a hand to his mouth, then continued, "You clever little! Seventy points from Gryffindor! And, you will teach all sex ed. classes from now on! Ha! Take that!"
Snape stormed down the aisle and took a seat in the back. Harry stood up and slowly made his way to the front of the room, desperately trying to remember Uncle Vernon's lessons.
Neville Longbottom and the President's Fitness Challenge
Professor McGonagall brought her arm back, then thrust it forward, launching the shotput a good seventy meters before landing in a large metal tub on the other end of the Quidditch field. She turned and watched the Gryffindors attempt to copy her feat. Their results were varied. While many of the upperclassmen and the Gryffindor chasers were able to send the shotput a good way down the field, many of the younger students were less successful.
Neville Longbottom stood out, even from that group.
"Longbottom," she called in her outrageous Scottish accent, "Do a couple of laps for me."
Neville began to run around the Quidditch field and was panting before he had run thirty meters.
"Longbottom, get over here! Did you learn to run last week? We need to get you into shape!"
"But, I suck at everything, Professor!"
"Longbottom," she suddenly laughed, "Oh, goodness, that's funny! Longbottom, the Gryffindors have not won the President's Fitness Challenge in over fifty years. Partially because it was a competition that was deemed too dangerous because of the number of competitors who were under-hydrated, over-weight, or had a serious heart condition and was ended shortly after the school was rebuilt in the 50's, about the time of the incident."
"What incident?"
"Shut up, Longbottom. This is the only cool Hufflepuff. He'll be your coach. He reports directly to me, so I'll know if you're slacking."
"What if I forget, Professor?"
"Dumbledore gave me permission to use whatever methods of punishment I need to use."
"Does that mean –?"
"Yes, I can force feed you cabbage and beetle eyes."
"Cabbage!"
"Hagrid's been growing some big heads for just this purpose. Do not disappoint me."
Afterwards, Neville spent each day running around the Quidditch field. He wasn't alone though. He had good competition in the form of Gryffindor's physical fanatic, Herbert; the Slytherin seventh year, Apollo Creed Jr.; and the Hufflepuff star athlete, Cedric Diggory. Rather unsurprisingly, Ravenclaw students weren't required to take Phy. ed. It seemed that since they weren't required to, none chose to exercise. As Neville ran laps around the Quidditch course each day, he felt deep regret for not asking the sorting hat to put him in Ravenclaw house.