I do not own Roget's Thesaurus, Cool Whip, or Montana. Not yet, anyway.
Chapter 10: 'Alloween
The next morning, the Gryffindors were surprised to find a notice pinned up in the common room. It was a clipping from the wizarding newspaper, The Daily Prophet, which depicted a man whom Harry wouldn't have been surprised to learn was a member of the Hell's Angels. According to the clipping, his name was Sirius Black.
"Sirius Black!" Ron cried.
"What? Who is he?" Harry asked, curious.
"Only one of the most violent criminals in forever! Come here, Scabbers, don't be afraid, he'd never be able to get into Hogwarts. There ain't nowhere safer than Hogwarts!"
"Why are you talking like Hagrid?"
"I don't know, I'm not trying to."
Through breakfast, Sirius Black was the only subject.
"I heard he killed like fifty muggles!"
"I heard it was five hundred!"
"But Azkaban is inescapable!"
Harry and Seamus dropped onto the bench next to Ron.
"So, I think last night went pretty well, don't you?" Harry commented.
"Well? I had a front row seat to looking up Hermione's skirt!" Ron whispered.
"A point you've made numerous times," Seamus sighed.
"I think it's overrated, anyway," Harry said bitterly.
Suddenly, Justin Finch-Fletchley, rushing past, tripped over Harry's book bag.
"Are you alright?"
"NO! Have you guys heard the news?"
"Yeah, of course," Ron groaned. "Sirius Black broke out of Azkaban. That's ancient history now."
"No, not that. Last night, Professor Quirrell discovered Hannah Abbott passed out in the hallway! She hasn't woken up yet, and they found bite marks on her neck!"
Someone screamed. Everyone turned to see Neville dancing in place, clutching his once more burned crotch. The entire hall laughed him out of the room.
"A vampire," Ron pondered. "Just what we need. As though we weren't in enough danger, what with Sirius Black on the run."
"If only we had noticed when the Dragongout freaks all disappeared one by one, we might not have had any Hufflepuffs get hurt," Justin said sadly.
"I probably wouldn't have noticed until all the Hufflepuffs were gone," Ron commented in Seamus's ear.
Just then, Hermione walked into their conversation, flanked by Susan Bones and a blond girl with a far-off expression.
"You three are the most irresponsible people I have ever met. Just now, you, Harry, tripped poor Justin," Hermione scolded, "And you, Ron! You kicked the table, knocking over Neville's tea and causing him further childhood trauma!"
"Like I care," Ron muttered.
"Hey! Harry didn't trip Justin! He just tripped over Harry's bag!" Seamus defended Harry. "And Ron – Yeah, I'm not going to defend Ron."
The girl with blond hair stepped forward. "Oh, you are Harry Potter? It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Luna Lovegood. I'm sorry to say that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you yet. You're the boy who lived, huh? Did your parents use a spell to protect you, or is it an innate natural ability? If so, is the ability a form of magical reversal, absorption, or nullification? If it's a natural ability, was it passed along your mother or father's line? Has it manifested itself in you more powerfully, or less powerfully? Do you know what is required to maintain or expand your ability, or has it already disappeared? Can I study it and attempt to copy it? Does it follow a numeric, phonetic, or grammatical code? Is it in Sanskrit, Greek, Latin, or Epochian? Have you ever done a forced activation? Can I do a forced activation?"
"What?"
"Oh, you are Harry Potter? It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Luna Lovegood. I'm sorry to say that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you yet. You're the boy who lived, huh? Did your parents use a spell to protect you, or is it an innate natural ability? If so, is the ability a form of magical reversal, absorption, or nullification? If it's a natural ability, was it passed along your mother or father's line? Has it manifested itself in you more powerfully, or less powerfully? Do you know what is required to maintain or expand your ability, or has it already disappeared? Can I study it and attempt to copy it? Does it follow a numeric, phonetic, or grammatical code? Is it in Sanskrit, Greek, Latin, or Epochian? Have you ever done a forced activation? Can I do a forced activation?"
"What?"
"Oh, you are Harry Potter? It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Luna Lovegood. I'm sorry to say that I haven't had –"
"Look, could you give me the short, easy to understand version? Or at least ask them one at a time?"
"I'm Luna Lovegood. It's nice to meet you."
"I'm Harry Potter, it's nice to meet you, too."
Luna took a deep breath, and Hermione put an arm between them.
"Sorry, Luna. Harry, Luna is in Ravenclaw. She is one of the strongest-willed students." She leaned close. "And she's a little crazy."
"You – You're mean!" Luna cried and fled the hall, pursued by laughter.
When Harry wiped the tears from his eyes, he managed, "That – ha ha – That was mean!"
"I was rather hoping she wouldn't hear, but, well, you saw what she's like."
"Are you done scolding us, then?" Ron asked, hopeful.
"I'm not half done."
Just then, the mail arrived. All eyes were on an oddly shaped package. The snowy owl swooped down and deposited the broom at Harry's feet. He offered her some toast chunks as Seamus ripped open the attached note. Neville slid, unnoticed onto the bench opposite them.
"It's a good thing we opened this first! Here, read it, Harry."
Harry accepted the letter.
It read:
DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE.
It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, but I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick or they'll all want one. Oliver Wood will meet you in the hall outside the Muggle Studies classroom before the first bell. The first training session is at seven o' clock on the Quidditch field. Don't be late.
Professor M. McGonagall
Harry had difficulty hiding his glee as he passed the note to Ron and walked swiftly from the hall. Ron read it and passed it to Seamus and rushed after Harry. Seamus read it, grinned, and jogged after the other two. Hermione handed it off to Susan, before following Seamus, Ron, and Harry, looking ready to shout. Susan read it and passed it to Neville before walking calmly after Hermione. Neville was about to look at it when Draco dumped hot tea on his pants and snatched the note away. Malfoy scanned the page and crushed the note in his fist and ran for the exit.
Harry walked down the Muggle Studies corridor, looking around. He could hear shouting in the stairwell behind him. By the sound of it, Hermione, Ron, and Seamus were all arguing. He sighed and continued looking. Wood stepped out of Professor West's room.
"AND DON'T FORGET TO STUDY FOR THE TEST ON BATMAN!" Harry heard the Professor shout as the door shut.
"Thank goodness you showed up, Harry. I thought I was going deaf just by being in the same room as him."
Draco stood against the wall, hidden from Harry and Wood by a pillar.
"Well, Harry, I'm happy to say that you're now officially a member of the team. You've got to be the youngest beater in like a century! We haven't won since Charlie Weasley graduated, but with you on the team, we stand a better chance than we ever have. We've assembled an all-star team of the – Shoot!"
Harry turned to see a South American girl coming toward them, looking in her pocket for something as she walked. Wood looked around desperately and spotted Draco leaning out from the pillar. Wood grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into a full kiss. The girl looked up and almost dropped her cell phone before turning and walking quickly in the other direction. Wood let go of Malfoy, who slid to the floor.
"That was Katie Bell. She's on the team, too. Listen, we were dating for the last couple years, but she wanted commitment and – I think you get the picture."
"Oh, okay."
"I suppose I'll just tell you about the team later on the pitch."
"Yeah, I'm fine with that."
Harry headed off for his first class as the first bell rang, and Wood went to his. Draco just sat on the ground, staring into empty space with a blush spread across his cheeks and a hand on his lips.
At seven o' clock, Harry left the castle and set off in the dusk toward the Quidditch field. He'd never been inside the stadium before. Hundreds of seats were raised in stands around the field so that the spectators were high enough to see what was going on. At either end of the field were three golden poles with hoops on the end. They reminded Harry of the little plastic sticks Muggle children blew bubbles through, except that they were fifty feet high.
Too eager to fly again to wait for Wood, Harry mounted his broom and kicked off from the ground. What a feeling – he swooped in and out of the goal posts and sped up and down the field. The Nimbus Two Thousand turned wherever he wanted at his lightest touch.
"Hey, Potter, come down!"
Oliver Wood had arrived. He was carrying a large wooden crate under his arm. Harry landed next to him.
"Very nice," said Wood, his eyes glinting. "I see what McGonagall meant… you really are a natural. I'm just going to teach you the rules this evening, then you'll be joining team practice three times a week.
He opened the crate. Inside were four different-sized balls.
"Right," said Wood. "Now Quidditch is easy enough to understand, even if it's not too easy to play."
"That's reassuring."
"Indeed. There are seven players on each side. Sort of like how there are seven years at Hogwarts, seven palantir, seven girls I've slept with, and seven bathrooms in the school."
"What?"
"Seven bathrooms in the school. It never ceases to amaze me how few there are. Three players are called Chasers. Take note of the capitalization."
"Three Chasers, and the c is capitalized," Harry repeated, writing it down on a notepad as Wood took out a bright red ball about the size of a football. Yes, in Britain, soccer is called football.
"This ball's called the Quaffle," said Wood. "Or as we call it in Gryffindor, the snake's brain. The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other and try to get it through one of the hoops to score a goal. Ten points every time the ball goes through one of the hoops. Follow me?"
"It's like football on brooms, but you throw the ball like a baseball instead of kick it."
"Exactly!" Wood exclaimed. "That's a much better way of putting it."
"Why do you jump up by tens?"
"It gives the crowd the impression that the distance between the two scores is that much greater."
"Oh, that makes sense."
"Now there's another player on each side called the Keeper. That's a goalie on a broom."
"Got it."
"Now, I'll show you what a Bludger does. The b is capitalized."
"I think I've got that figured out."
Wood passed Harry a short baseball bat-like club.
"These two balls are Bludgers, and it's their job to pummel players into submission."
Wood freed one of the two black balls. At once, it rose high in the air and then pelted straight at Harry's face. Harry swung at it with the bat, knocking it across the field and through a goal hoop. It flew back toward them and Wood dove on top of it, pinning it to the ground.
"See?" Wood panted, forcing the struggling Bludger back into the crate and strapping it down safely. "Of course, the school Bludgers have been altered so they won't kill you."
"Er – have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?" Harry asked, hoping he sounded offhand.
"Not in the last ten years, no. Besides, we have Fred and George. The pair of them are more than a match for the Bludgers – I mean, they're like a pair of human Bludgers themselves, the b*******."
Wood reached into the crate and pulled out the last ball. It was tiny compared to its siblings and was a bright gold with little fluttering silver wings.
"This," said Wood, "is the Golden Snitch, and it's the most important ball of the lot. It's very hard to catch because it moves so fast. It's the Seeker's job to catch it. You have to catch it before the other team's Seeker does, though, because whichever team catches the snitch earns an extra one hundred and fifty points."
"Why even have the other balls?"
"I don't make the rules, I just exploit them. A game of Quidditch only ends when the Snitch is caught, so it can go on for ages. I think the record is like six months. Turns out the Snitch was caught by a lucky fan ten minutes in. Well, that's it – any questions?"
"I think I've got it," Harry said, smiling and nodding."We won't practice with the Snitch yet," said Wood, carefully shutting it back inside the crate. "it's too dark, we might lose it. Let's try you out with a few of these."
He pulled a bag of ordinary golf balls out of his pocket and a few minutes later, he and Harry were up in the air, Wood throwing the golf balls as hard as he could in every direction for Harry to catch.
Harry didn't miss a single one, and Wood was delighted. After half an hour, night had really fallen and they couldn't carry on.
"That Quidditch cup'll have our name on it this year," said Wood happily as they trudged back up to the castle. "I wouldn't be surprised if you went on to play for England, Harry."
Perhaps it was because he was now so busy, what with Quidditch practice three evenings a week on top of all his homework, but Harry could hardly believe it when he realized that he'd already been at Hogwarts two months. Harry realized that in all that time, he'd never even taken a bath.
When he commented on it to Ron, he was met with a laugh.
"You neither? I thought I was the only one lazy enough. You need to wash up if you're going to ask Cho out. Come on, I'm sure Percy can tell us where they are," Ron laughed and waved for Harry to follow him.
Percy was annoyed to discover how long they'd gone without washing, but told them where to go.
They followed his instructions, find the statue of Boris the Bewildered, and said the password, "Pine fresh."
They entered the deserted bathroom.
"Why is it so empty?" Harry wondered aloud.
"Well," Ron said, "Since we're not required to bathe, only a handful really do it."
"Huh, that's funny. Not even the girls?"
"Nope, it's a mixed bath."
"Too bad."
They stripped down and lowered themselves into the perpetually warm water.
"This place is awesome! It's like a swimming pool!" Harry exclaimed cheerfully.
"It's not too bad," Ron admitted.
There was a splash and a blond head erupted out of the water nearby. Harry and Ron both jumped and shouted, "Whoa!"
The person pulled their blond hair away from their eyes. When she saw them, Luna gave a yelp.
"Sorry!" Harry averted his eyes.
Ron just stared. "Cool."
"Sorry, we didn't know anyone was in here."
Thank goodness the bath was full of bubbles. Luna sank down until her eyes and nose were the only part of her face they could see. She drifted to the far side of the bath, where they could now make out a small pile of clothes. She pulled a towel into the pool and wrapped herself in it. At the same time, Harry and Ron were doing the same.
"So, nice bath, then?"
"Nice," she agreed.
The door opened to admit Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini.
"Great, the one night I decide to take a bath, the water is dirtier than me," Draco complained to himself.
"Well, we're quite fine without you uglying up the place, Malfoy," Ron growled. "Of course, we'd be honored if you joined us, Blaise."
"I'm not going to be told where I can and can't be naked by you," Draco glared daggers at him.
Luna took the opportunity to get dressed while the others were occupied with increasingly funny dialogue. Blaise spent his time doing the opposite, and slipped into the water as Luna slipped from the room. Draco finally got tired of arguing and changed out of his clothes.
Ron snickered, "Hey, that's a nice butterfly tattoo, Malfoy."
"What was that, blood traitor?"
"At least I have a heart Malfoy, to pump mine with."
"What kind of comeback is that?" Malfoy jeered. "I don't need a heart. I've got money. What does your family have, corn?"
"And potatoes!" Ron exclaimed.
"Pride of the Irish people. He's got the hair, freckles, and temper to prove it."
"At least I'm not a cruel albino git like you."
"I may be a cruel albino git, but at least I'm not a Hufflepuff!"
Harry couldn't help but laugh at that. Soon they were all laughing.
"I guess that's one point in your favor, Malfoy," Harry chortled.
"Yeah, I guess it is."
They lounged in the bath for a while, when Draco suddenly spoke up, "Well, I've got some Potions homework to finish up. I'll see you guys in class tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow!" Harry and Ron waved him good-bye.
Twenty minutes later, they had gotten a bit bored of messing around with the different bubbles and soaps.
"I'd better be going, too," Blaise said.
Ron and Harry both decided it was time they also left, and got out. They decided to head down to the Great Hall together.
"How do wizards celebrate Halloween anyway?" Harry asked Ron.
"Well, we typically dress up like Muggles and act like them during the day. They never even suspect we're doing it. Then we go home and lock our doors. You never know for certain if the person knocking at your door is a muggle or something else."
"That's funny, because muggles –" Harry was interrupted by the sight they were greeted with when they rounded the corner.
Someone in a black cloak was leaning over the body of Draco Malfoy, who was collapsed on the ground. The black cloaked figure looked up and saw them. She fixed them with a glowing red stare. Harry and Ron backed away as blood dripped from the girl's mouth onto the floor. She lunged at them, fangs beared. Harry lifted his wand and blasted her back. She crashed into a large earthenware vase, but was back on her feet a second later. She flew over them and rounded the corner.
Harry ran after her, Ron and Blaise's footsteps echoing his own. The figure dtopped at the end of the hall and turned to face them. She brandished a wand, swinging it in a complicated pattern. Bats flew forth from the wand tip, straight towards them. Ron lifted his wand and shouted, "Protego!"
The bats burst into black flames and fell to the ground as dust. Blaise threw a ball of fire at the vampire. She blocked it with her cloak, which turned into shrieking bats, fluttering away down the hall. They were certainly making enough noise. Why wasn't a teacher coming to investigate the noise? The vampire tossed a bottle of glowing teal potion, which exploded in mid-air, and sent balls of ice flying through the air. One struck a suit of armor beside Harry, freezing it in a wall of ice. Ron ducked one which froze the chandelier. Harry slashed with his wand, striking the vampire in the chest with a hammer of air. She flew down the hall, landing at the base of the stairs to the third floor.
She charged up them, panting hard, Harry and Blaise right on her heels and Ron trailing behind, wheezing. She grabbed at a door handle and pulled. It was locked. She turned to face the two of them. Blaise hit her with a belt of air, throwing her through the door with a crash. Harry watched as the three-headed dog lowered its head toward its prey. Harry heard a low tinkling sound. The dog's six ears perked up, and then settled onto its belly. Its heads came to rest on the ground. The vampire struggled up, and her hood slipped. Harry gasped in surprise. It was Luna!
"What the hell?" Harry said flatly.
Luna looked up at him, then lowered her head. Harry spotted something glinting on the ground. It was a locket. The tinkling music was coming from the locket. The picture inside was of Luna and her parents. He closed it. Abruptly, the dog blinked and its noses began sniffing again. Harry reopened the locket, and the dog went back to sleep.
"I'm sorry."
"What?" Harry asked shocked.
"I'm sorry. I know you must hate me now, but I'm sorry. You don't know what it's like, being bullied every day. Being told that your whole family's insane."
Tears glistened on her cheeks. Harry lifted her up by the arm.
"I didn't want to hurt anyone nice. I just thought, if I were strong enough, people would like me."
Harry didn't know what to say. He looked down at the locket in his hand. He held it out to her. She took it gently between her fingers.
Not looking at him, she whispered, "My dad gave me this when I was little. I never knew my mother. She died while studying ways to cure vampirism. This was hers. I – I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven."
Harry sighed and led her down the corridor, back the way they had come. Ron was catching his breath on the stairs when they got there.
"What'd I miss? Oh, hello, Luna. Did you see a half-pint vampire around here any—"
Harry kicked his ankle and frowned at him. Ron's eyebrows knitted in confusion, then he shrugged and nodded. The four of them went back downstairs and grabbed Malfoy, then brought him back to the bath. They stripped down and got back in the bath.
"Do you know any healing magic?" Harry asked Luna.
"No. But I can make the marks disappear."
She smoothed his skin with her hand and the tooth marks on his neck disappeared. "He should wake up in a few seconds."
Moments later, Draco blinked, then looked around.
"What happened?"
"You slipped and fell in the bath," Harry lied.
"Oh," Draco frowned. "That explains it. Well, now that I've had my dip, I'm leaving before your blood traitor attitude or weirdo thoughts seep into my skin."
He got out of the bath, changed, and left.
"Now, I have a few questions," Blaise said. "What was that big dog? It looked like Cerberus."
"We don't really know, but Ron and me, and a couple other students have seen it. We think it's guarding something."
"What would they need to guard? The answer keys to the exams? Whatever it is, it would be just as safe, or maybe slightly less, in Gringotts."
Harry nodded his agreement. What indeed was the dog guarding?
Luna spoke up nervously, "Am I forgiven?"
Harry sighed, then thought for a minute, "Well, if we don't say anything, then I don't think the teachers will know it was us. But you must promise not to do that again."
"Yes, of course. I'm sorry."
"So, are we all caught up, then?" Ron asked. "Good. Can we go eat now?"
A thousand live bats fluttered from the walls and ceiling while a thousand more swooped over the tables in low black clouds, making the candles in the pumpkins stutter. The feast appeared suddenly on the golden plates, as it had at the start-of-term banquet. Harry was just helping himself to some potatoes when he noticed that the teachers' table was empty, aside from Hagrid.
He turned to Seamus and asked, "Where are all the teachers at?"
"I don't know, but there was a lot of shouting and banging coming from the dungeons earlier," Seamus said through a mouthful of bread and schnozzberry jam.
Fred and George plopped into the spaces opposite Harry.
"Hey there, Harry!" one of them exclaimed.
"Guess what?" the other asked conspiratorily.
"What?"
"We just finished setting up a prank for the next one to open the front doors."
"Whoever opens them will get hit with a bucketful of squid."
"I hope we get Filch."
"I hope we get Snape."
"Yeah!"
"This is going to be hilarious!"
There was a loud shriek. Everyone in the hall turned to the doors. Quirrell burst into the Great Hall, tentacles streaming behind him as he ran down the main aisle, pulling at the purple squids which clung tightly to him. Fred and George were laughing loudly and snapping photos with a magic camera.
Harry clapped with everyone else.
Then, Quirrell stopped, and the squids let go of him, dropping to the floor. Across the hall, Professor Lovecraft lowered his wand. Quirrell kicked the tentacles off his feet and rushed back down the aisle, and out the hall past Professor Lovecraft, who then lifted his wand to his own throat.
His magically enhanced voice echoed through the hall, "Quiet down. Quiet down. I must ask you all to return to your common rooms immediately." He was met by angry shouts.
"Quiet! This evening, a troll broke into the castle. A few minutes ago, we managed to subdue him in the dungeons. However, we have yet to do a complete sweep of the castle. We have good reason to, because he wouldn't have been able to get in without help from a wizard. At this point, we believe he was let in by Sirius Black."