A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited or followed this story!

Special thanks to samcarter1980 and jenny crum!

I don't own criminal minds!

Chapter 17: Goodbye again

November 10th 2012

''What happened to Julia?'' Hotch repeated carefully. The look in JJ's eyes scared him. He didn't want to push her, but it was necessary for them to know as much as possible about what happened to her. It would make it easier to catch the people who were responsible.

JJ gazed into his eyes. ''She was killed because I didn't obey.'' she confessed without any emotion in her voice. She did feel. She just didn't want to show it. She learned that emotion could only bring you down in the end.

''That can't be true, JJ.'' Hotch said affectionately as he took a step closer to her bed.

His presence threw her off balance. How could he still have that affect on her? She wanted to stay strong, but every memory tore down that desire. ''Then how come it is?''

''Do you want to talk about it?''

''It hurts.'' she cried out. ''It just hurts so much.''

Hotch stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. Her head instantly rested against his chest as his arms went around her. ''I know. I am here, JJ.''

''I just don't understand it.'' she whispered as the tears kept falling. She wondered if they would ever stop. Her life had been messed up in ways she could've never imagined.

''What?''

''Why did this happen to me? To Julia. To all those girls.'' she answered, pulling away from his embrace.

Hotch pulled the chair close and sat down. He took her hand in his. He didn't want to let go of her. It broke him to see her like this, but he was glad that she was finally letting him in. ''You were hurt in the most unimaginable way, JJ. How could you ever understand that?'' he said. ''I want to kill the person who did this to you. You never deserved this. Any of it. And it is tearing me apart to know that this happened to you.'' he went on. ''I wish I could go back and help you.''

His words made her tears even worse. He was the same person she always knew. He was caring, warm and protective. Knowing that he was there was good enough for know. It gave her a sense of security she hadn't felt in years. ''I know. I am glad you're here.'' she admitted with a small smile.

''So am I.'' he agreed.

A long silence fell while both of them just tried to enjoy the moment. Hotch couldn't believe he could actually touch her again. It was part of a miracle. But when he looked into her eyes, he knew some things would never be the same again.

''How is Jack?'' JJ asked to break the silence.

Hotch smiled at the thought of his son. ''He's amazing. I know he would love you, JJ.''

''When did you…'' she was about to ask when Hotch interrupted.

''When did I file for divorce?'' he asked. JJ nodded. ''A month after you disappeared. I told Haley the truth about us. I said I couldn't be with her when I was in love with someone else.''

Shock was the first thing JJ felt. Then she felt disappointment. ''Was?''

''I still am.'' he confessed. ''JJ, I always loved you. I was just afraid to admit it. I didn't realize what I had until I lost you, and I know how bad that must sound but I…I…really do love you.''

''Oh,'' she said. It was all she could say. She didn't know how to respond to his confession. ''So you never had a relationship when I was gone?''

''No,'' he answered simply. He was ready to explain to her why. Her face was full of shock. But she seemed open enough to listen to him and he knew he needed to take advantage of that. ''What we had was worth waiting for, JJ. I never gave up hope because I couldn't and still can't imagine my life without you. Loving you was worth every night I was alone. It was worth all the pain I felt because I didn't know where you were.'' he went on. ''Because when I look at my future, I only see you in it. No one else. Just you.'' he rambled on.

''I wish we had this conversation six years ago.'' she began. ''I don't know if I can ever be that person for you again. I just can't promise that, even though I want to.''

''I know you can't. And I don't want you to promise me anything, JJ.'' he said. ''I will wait for you. I have waited six years already. I can do another twenty if I have to.''

His loyalty was just as fierce as it had been all those years ago. ''I don't want you to wait. You deserve to have a life filled with happiness. It's not supposed to be filled with question marks. You deserve so much more than this.''

''What are you trying to tell me?''

She sighed deeply. What she was about to say was going to hurt. Not only her but him as well. She had thought about it. She had even spoken to her doctor about it. She realized it would be best for everyone involved. ''I am going home with my parents.'' she answered. ''I'm not coming back to DC.''

''JJ, don't…''

''Aaron…'' she pleaded. ''Please don't try to change my mind. Don't make it harder than it already is.''

''Why?''

''Because you all have lives and I don't want to intrude.'' she started. ''Six years ago we were like a family, but I don't think I'll ever be a part of that again. Too much has changed and I hope you can respect my decision.''

Hotch rose from the chair and was walking to the door. He turned around to JJ. ''I need a minute.'' he announced before he left the room.

He walked into the hallway where Derek was still sitting. Hotch wanted to walk past him when he stood up and blocked his path.

''What happened?'' Derek asked with worry.

''She isn't coming back, Derek. She is going home with her parents.'' Hotch answered.

''No, she wouldn't.''

''Then why is she?'' Hotch asked.

Derek knew he was serious about this. ''Are you okay?''

''Fine.'' he whispered.

''Hotch, come on!'' Derek said loudly. ''You're not okay.''

''No, I am not.'' he agreed. ''Every time I feel like I have a handle on my life it just slips away again.'' he said. ''We get JJ back and now she is leaving.''

''I'll talk to her.''

''It won't work.'' Hotch said before leaving Derek alone.