I do not own Wargames, Conan the Barbarian, or Jack Frost.

2nd Intermission: That Too Weird Chapter

The Twins Swear

"Hey, sis, isn't it annoying that we can't swear properly?"

"Yeah, it really pisses me off."

"Hey, you just said 'piss!'"

"We can still say some wear words? How is that?"

"Don't question the loophole, abuse it."

"If we can say piss, do you think we can say other words?"

"I don't know. It's worth a shot."

"S***. D***. F***. A**. Tits. Sweet!"

"Cool, we can say tits. How about d***?"

"I already tried d***."

"Tits. A**. What about arse? Huh, arse works. Wanker. B******. Son of a b****!"

"That can't be right. Let me try something. That b**** stole my money. The puppies were born and the bitch was very happy for it. There, it just depends on the way we use it. I am holding a sheet of paper. A sheet. Sheet."

"Very nice! We can't say s***, but we can say sheet!"

"Kind of lame, though. Bugger. Ok, that one's good. Sex. Bloody. Hell. C***. Oh well, I suppose it was too much to hope for. J****** P*****. Sheet! Pokery. Jiggery. J****** P***** - F***!"

"Fanny. Eh, pretty cool."

"Cool? Fanny cool? Let's really ramp it up. Twat!"

"Awesome."

"Yes. Yes it is."

"I wonder if they'll let us say this one. P*** V**** C*******."

"How disappointing. I suppose it was pretty rank."

"Yeah, but I still hate those f****** wankers at the FCC.

Hogwarts Student Host Club

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry is attended by those few privileged individuals who were born with the ability to use wand magic. One such student is named Harry Potter. He, however, is busy doing something important right now, so the character in this segment is named Terry Boot.

Terry walked down the hall with some purpose having to do with sherbet lemons, but that is a tale for another time. All we need to know is that he peeked into the 3rd music room. And that is how all his troubles began. He was grabbed roughly by the shoulders and yanked into the room. As soon as he regained his balance, he looked around. He was in a beautiful room filled with carnations and roses, lace, and assorted expensive decorations like big priceless vases. Before him was a handsome young man with blond hair.

"Welcome," he said in an elegant manner. "I am Damagi Elegante. And this… is a host club."

"What the hell is a host club? And what's with these flowers, these frilly tablecloths, and these big expensive vases?" Terry asked, entranced.

"A host club, my effeminate friend, is a place where girls come to enjoy themselves by purchasing the companionship of a young man in a beautiful room filled with roses, doilies, and big priceless vases."

"You're a prostitute?"

"No," he said calmly, "I'm a conversationalist. It is my dream to bring to fruition the dreams of everyone in the world!"

"And I'm just looking for—" Terry said, backing away.

He bumped into something and turned about quickly. A vase struck the ground and burst into a million pieces.

"—A way out…" Terry's voice cracked.

"Oh my, you're in trouble now. That vase was worth 8 million zaire!" *Which is probably about 10 pounds* Damagi cried.

"Don't worry, I can pay for—" Terry was saying.

"Oh, no. I'll understand if you can't pay. In that case, you'll just need to work for us to pay it off."

"Actually, I can afford—"

"You'll only need to gain 1,000 requests…" Damagi continued.

"Are you even listening to me?" Terry asked, aghast.

This eventually led to Terry working for the host club and entertaining women. He had many humorous adventures and blah blah blah—Next segment!

Snape Duels West

Snape was eating his eggs as usual, enjoying the juicy yellow center and the dry white edges. Just as he was moving onto his second egg, Professor West stood up and swatted Snape's plate off the table. Snape stood up and glared at him.

"What was that?" Snape asked coldly.

"I WAS HAVING SOME ORANGE JUICE AND SPILLED! CLEAN IT UP!" West said.

"I wouldn't clean it up if I had spilled it myself, you man-child."

"YOU'LL EAT THOSE WORDS! AND MY FIST! PREPARE YOURSELF!" Adam shouted, jumping to his feet.

Snape drew his wand from his robe, but West kicked it out of his hand and across the table. Then he punched Snape in the face. Snape jumped back, tossing a pitcher of grape juice at West, staining his pants. West slashed with his wand, sending a flash of red light at Snape, who blocked it with a Hufflepuff. West dove behind the table as Snape began firing curses from the Hufflepuff's wand.

The students fled in terror as Snape kicked the Ravenclaw table over for cover. Snatching up another wand, he began dual firing curses. West threw a bottle of Champagne Hagrid had left behind, which arced over Snape table and broke beside him, lacerating his left hand. Snape dropped one of the wands and shot a Petrifaction at West, who ducked. West ran out from behind cover and Snape tried a full body bind curse. West threw the table cloth into its path, stopping it. Bounding over the Gryffindor table, he shot a stupefaction, which Snape blocked. Snape threw up a shield with a whispered Protego. West held up Snape's favorite stuffed animal, a bear with one button eye and poked it with his wand.

"Just one word, Severus, and it goes up in flames!" He whispered loudly.

"Adam, after all the years I've known you, you'd honestly stoop to that level?" Snape asked.

"Snape?" Adam asked, touched.

Snape hit West with a wandless muggle spell, tying him in ropes. West struggled in the bonds.

"Sorry, West, but today, the victory is mine."

With that, he drained a bottle of pumpkin juice and laughed in a triumphant and evil manner.