A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited or followed this story!

Special thanks to jenny crum and CriminalCrazy (Thank you so much for being my soundboard. It helps a lot and I can't thank you enough.)!

I don't own criminal minds!

Chapter 19: Just a start

November 11th 2012

JJ hadn't seen Hotch since the other day. Their conversation was stuck in her head and his admission made her choice even harder. But deep down she knew she could never give him what he deserved. She had gone through too much to just move forward. Hell, she was still scared when she heard an unfamiliar voice. The strong person she used to be was gone. And that side of her probably would never return again. If it did it would be a true blessing.

JJ finally forced herself to look at the person at her bedside. The doctor wanted her to talk to a therapist. She didn't want to, but she knew it was the only way to pretend to be fine. She didn't want anyone to know how she truly felt. Plus, her job at the FBI would come in handy, knowing how to answer the questions. But something inside her wanted to be honest. She really did want to get better. She didn't want to feel terrified.

''Hello Jennifer, I am Dr. Ryan.'' the woman introduced kindly. ''You can call me Julie.''

''Julie?'' JJ asked with a lump in her throat. It instantly reminded her of Julia. ''It's nice to meet you.''

The doctor noticed the change of behavior in JJ after mentioning her own name. ''I haven't spoken to anyone about your situation. I wanted to have fresh eyes.'' she explained. ''But do you relate my name with something horrible?''

''Julia was my best friend in the brothel.'' JJ answered simply, not wanting to explain further. But she knew that was going to happen.

''Where you there of your own will?''

JJ couldn't believe that question. Who would ask that? How could she even consider that? ''Of course not!'' JJ said angrily. ''Do you think I would volunteer to feel worthless and gross?''

Julie knew anger was the only way to get JJ to open up. She immediately noticed that the blonde was hiding behind a cold mask. She wouldn't show any emotion. Only when she really had to. ''So, you just mentioned that you believe you're a dirty and worthless person. That must be very painful to live with.'' she summarized. ''Please explain to me what you mean when you call yourself dirty and worthless.''

JJ sighed deeply, trying to keep the tears away. ''I feel like I've become a victim. Just one of those people, everyone looks down on. Somebody everyone sees as a piece of trash.''

''I don't think that about you.'' Julie started with all honesty. ''When I look at you, I see someone who is worthy. I also see a very beautiful woman, who isn't a victim, but a survivor.'' she said. ''It wasn't your fault JJ. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But what does it mean to you to be dirty and worthless?''

A tear finally ran down her cheek. The woman didn't even know the details of her situation, but somehow she hit all the right spots. ''To me it means I can never be happy again.''

''If that's true, what would that mean to you?''

The tears weren't stoppable any longer. Her head was spinning when she really thought about the question. ''I wouldn't want to live.'' she confessed. ''I mean what would I have left?''

''Are you happy now?''

''No.''

''So, it means you actually want to die in this moment.''

JJ shook her head. ''I honestly don't know what I want.''

Julie could feel JJ's hurt. It was radiating from the blonde. It was in every single thing she did. ''It's understandable that you don't know what you want.'' Julie explained softly.

''But to summarize your feelings so far, it sounds like you believe that your time in the brothel has become a death sentence. It has changed you into an unworthy person who thinks she doesn't deserve to live. Is that really what you believe?''

''Yes, I believe that about myself. But I don't want my life to be ruined forever.''

''Your life doesn't have to be ruined, JJ.'' Julie began. ''Do you have people who love you?''

JJ's mind instantly went to Hotch. He told her he loved her. And she guessed the team did as well, since they stuck around the hospital for a very long time. She also had her parents. ''I think I do.''

''I know you do. I saw people waiting in the hallway before I came into your room. That is something.''

''I know, but I just don't want them to look at me like I am a victim.''

''JJ, I want you to hear me out!'' Julie ordered. ''You are a victim!'' she said very clearly, seeing that JJ was about to cut her off. ''But you can become a survivor. But you need to work on it. What happened to you, will be with you for the rest of your life. It just doesn't have to affect everything you do. You can learn how to live with it, and that is the moment when you become a survivor.''

''I don't know where to start.'' she cried out. ''The man who tortured and raped me is still out there. How am I supposed to try to move on when I know he can hurt me again?''

''You have to believe that he will be caught. You can't let him win.''

''I don't know how I can believe that when I know that the FBI has no leads to find him.''

JJ's argument sounded valid. She was right. There was no way to be sure that Steven Hicks was going to be caught. ''I know you're right, but you have to forgive him in some way.''

''Forgive him?'' JJ asked in astonishment. ''Are you kidding me?''

There was no answer from Julie and JJ knew she was right. Her face was filled with shock. ''If I had a chance to kill him, I would. I wouldn't let him get away.'' JJ admitted bluntly.

''JJ, I think we need to stop this conversation before it gets out of hand. I'll talk your doctor and we'll see what happens next.'' Julie said before leaving the room all of a sudden.

Julie stepped into the hallway and she was immediately surrounded by the team. ''She's fine.'' Julie reassured. ''But I think she has worked too long with profilers.''

''Was she that good at undermining you?'' Reid asked with confusion.

''She is the one who takes over the conversation. And her mood changes from emotional, to cold, to distant. I think she's trying to hide her real feelings. Right now, I need to figure out what is best for JJ.''

''What do you mean?'' Hotch asked, stepping forward.

''I think JJ's discharge needs to be reconsidered.''

Hotch felt his stomach turn. He knew the hospital was the worst place for JJ to be right now. ''There's no way you can force her to stay here. She won't survive that.''

''I guess we'll see.'' Julie said before leaving the team with confused faces.