I do not own The Pink Panther, The Maltese Falcon, or The Black Cauldron.

Chapter 16: Into the Forest

Wood was working the team harder than ever. Even the endless rain that had replaced the snow hadn't dampened his spirits. If they won the next match, against Hufflepuff, they would overtake Slytherin in the House championship in like forever. Quite apart from wanting to win, Harry found that he had fewer nightmares when he was tired out after training.

Then, during one particularly wet and muddy practice session, Wood gave the team a bit of bad news. He'd just gotten very angry with the Weasleys, who kept taking breaks from practice to toss engorged slugs through the window of Professor West's office.

"Will you two stop messing around!" he yelled. "We need to be in good form for the upcoming match! Snape's not as forgetful as Professor West and he'll be looking to give those Slytherin b******* whatever advantage he can!"

One of the Weasleys fell off his broom. Luckily he was only hovering a short distance above the ground.

"Snape's refereeing?" he spluttered through a mouthful of mud. "When's he ever refereed a Quidditch match? He's not going to be fair if we might overtake Slytherin."

The rest of the team landed beside the twin to complain, too.

"It's not my fault," said Wood.

"That may be so, but we've got to complain to someone, and you're most convenient," the second twin said angrily.

As Harry made his way to Gryffindor tower (he had homework), the rest of the team hung back to harass Wood. Harry entered the common room to a strange scene. Susan was whooping Hermione's arse at wizard chess while Luna watched both the match and Dean and Seamus who were sitting by the window, whispering. Hermione was verbally abusing Susan and running her fingers through her hair, unable to find a move to get her out of this tough spot.

"Calm down, Hermione, it's just a game," Susan said nervously.

"Just a game? JUST A GAME? I've never lost at anything in my life, and I'm most certainly not going to lose at this!" Hermione shouted.

Harry snuck past them and ran up the stairs to the door. He slammed the door shut behind him, panting hard. Ron was lying on his bed smiling and staring blankly up at the ceiling.

"Ron? Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, hey there Harry," Ron said distractedly.

"Something on your mind?"

"Guess you could say that," Ron mumbled.

"What?"

"Alright, I'll tell you, but you have to keep quiet about it."

"Of course," Harry promised.

"Right then. I- I hit Lavender."

"About time someone hit her, she never shuts up."

"No, Harry, not that kind of hit. I did it with her. Sex."

Harry's mind struggled to grasp that for a few moments.

"You did that with Lavender?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone. If Hermione found out, she'd never shut up about it."

"Shouldn't you be more worried about Dumbledore and them finding out? They could expel you!"

"No they won't. The only one who really cares about that sort of thing is McGonagall, and that's because she's a prude. The worst she'd do is scold me."

"What," Harry asked flatly, so surprised that he forgot the question mark.

"I'm basing this assumption mostly off the punishment Fred and George are working off for sleeping with the Patil twins."

"What?" Harry repeated, though not quite so stunned as before.

"Happened just a couple weeks ago. The punishment is light enough… so why not? It's not hurting anyone."

Harry doubted that.

Back in the common room, Hermione had dumped the chessboard over.

"No fair, Hermione," Susan moaned.

"Quit whining. You deserve to lose once in a while," Hermione growled.

"But I never win! Do you realize how bad that is for my self-esteem?"

"To hell with your self-esteem. Luna, did she lose or not?"

"If you're asking about our bet, it was that you had to win the match. You didn't. The only result was that neither of you won. You lost the bet, Hermione."

"D*** it, Luna! I'm not going on a date with that creep! He's creepy, perverted, and snobbish."

"You still have to do it. You didn't win, which means we won, so give up," Luna said wickedly.

At that moment Neville toppled into the common room. How he had managed to climb through the portrait hole was anyone's guess, because his legs had been stuck together with what they recognized at once as the Leg-Locker Curse. He must have had to bunny hop all the way up to Gryffindor tower.

Hermione, eager for a distraction, rushed over to help him.

"Hold still, Neville," she whispered and cast the countercurse. Neville's legs sprang apart and he got to his feet, trembling.

"What happened?" Luna asked him, leading him over to sit with Seamus and Dean, who were still rolling with laughter.

"Malfoy," said Neville shakily. "I met him outside the library. I sort of dropped my bag on his foot and he cursed me."

"You see!" Hermione implored her two friends. "I can't go on a date with him!"

"No one wants to go on a date with me," Neville said, wallowing in self-pity.

"Imagine that," Hermione said through clenched teeth. "But I was talking about Malfoy! He's a wicked, cruel boy! How could you expect me to go on a date with him?"

Susan and Luna smiled at each other and shrugged.

"Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?" Neville asked no one in particular.

"You've got to stand up to him, Neville!" Hermione said, trying to cheer him up.

"I don't want more trouble," he mumbled.

"You're worth twelve of Malfoy," Luna said. "The Sorting Hat chose you for Gryffindor, not Dragongout, right? And there's nothing Malfoy can say or do to change that."

Neville's lips twitched in a weak smile as he got to his feet. He was about to leave when an idea seemed to strike him.

"Here, Luna. Thanks for cheering me up. Professor McGonagall gave it to me, but I'm allergic to chocolate."

He handed her a Chocolate Toad box and staggered tiredly up the stairs to the dorm room, passing Harry on the way up. Luna opened the box as Hermione muttered about Neville being ungrateful to her.

"Hey, it's Dumbledore!" Luna said happily, showing the card to her friends.

"What's it say about him?" Susan asked tiredly.

"Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, leading to the victory of the allies in the second World War, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicholas Flamel. Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and ten pin bowling."

"Nicholas Flamel?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yes," Luna answered, "Nicholas Flamel. He was Dumbledore's alchemy partner."

"Funny. Dumbledore mentioned that Flamel made the mirror of Ytili-sommat."

"The mirror of Ytilibaniattanu?" Hermione asked excitedly.

"Yeah. I found it the other night."

"Not in the castle!"

"Course it was in the castle. Where else would it be?"

"The mirror is here?"

"Dumbledore said it was moved."

"He moved it, huh?" Hermione asked disappointedly.

"Why's it so important to you? It's just one giant rip-off."

"The mirror of Ytilibaniattanu is, according to legend, the last great defense of the Philosopher's Stone!" Hermione exclaimed.

Susan and Luna gasped. Harry just sort of looked at her funny.

"What?" he asked, wondering just how many times that day he'd said "what."

"The Philosopher's Stone!"

"I'm sorry, but what is a philanthropist's stone?"

"The Philosopher's Stone is a powerful magical artifact! Supposedly, it is made of the same material that created the universe!"

"And supposedly it's stored in the mirror of… something."

"Ytilibaniattanu."

"How the hell do you remember that?" Harry asked.

"Photographic memory. Do you realize what this means?"

"No."

"Nearly unlimited power was right near here! I can't believe it! I missed out on a chance to study its properties!" Hermione wailed.

"Get real, Hermione. Why would they send something like that here?"

Hermione was silent for a moment.

"Of course!" she burst out jubilantly. "That's what the three-headed dog is guarding!"

"Three-headed dog?" Dean asked.

"Yes, what's that about?" Susan joined him.

"Err-" Hermione looked at Harry and Luna, then back at Dean and Susan. "The dog on the third floor guarding a trapdoor."

"There's a three-headed dog on the third floor?" Susan murmured.

"Yeah. Sorry we kept you guys in the dark," Harry said.

"Did you know?" Dean asked Seamus, who was trying to sneak up to the dormitory.

"Sorry, Dean. We all agreed not to talk about it."

"Who else knows?"

"The six of us, Ron, and Blaise Zabini," Harry said.

"And Lavender," Ron added as he came down the stairs. "It's not that well kept of a secret."

"Ron! How did Lavender find out?" Hermione asked, glaring.

"It sort of slipped out," Ron muttered.

"How the hell do you let something like that slip out?" Hermione asked furiously. "I need some pumpkin juice."

She took a sip and instantly collapsed.

"She's been so stressed lately. We've started carrying around some Five-Hour Rest medicine," Luna explained as Susan laughed nervously.

"Works for me," Harry said with a shrug. "Let's try not to tell anyone else, okay? Ron, tell Lavender not to tell anyone as soon as you can."

"Whatever," Ron said nonchalantly, moving to fill a mug of pumpkin juice from the barrel in the corner, "By the way, has anyone seen Scabbers recently?"

(%)

Harry knew, when they wished him good luck outside the locker rooms the next afternoon, that Seamus and Dean were wondering whether they'd ever see him alive again. This wasn't what you'd call comforting. Harry hardly heard a word of Wood's self-glorifying speech as he pulled on his Quidditch robes and picked up his Nimbus Two Thousand.

His friends, meanwhile, had found a place in the stands in the stands next to Neville, who couldn't understand why they looked so grim and worried, or why they all had wands in hand. Little did Harry know that they had been practicing the Leg-Locker and Jelly-Legs Curses. They'd gotten the idea from Malfoy using it on Neville, and were ready to curse Snape if he showed any sign of wanting to hurt Harry.

"Now don't forget, it's Locomotor Mortis," Luna whispered to Ron as she slipped her wand up her sleeve.

"I know," Ron snapped angrily.

Back in the locker room, Wood had taken Harry aside.

"Don't want to pressure you, Seeker, but if we ever need an early capture of the Snitch, it's now. Finish the game before Snape can favor the other team too much."

"The whole school's out there!" said one of the Weasleys, peering out of the door. "Even – blimey – Dumbledore's figured out where the stands are! He's sitting out there!"

Harry's heart did a somersault.

"Dumbledore?" he said, dashing to the door to make sure.

"First years," George whispered to Fred, "They never belief anything you tell them."

Perhaps it was Dumbledore's attendance, but it was certainly truth that Snape looked pissed as the teams marched onto the field, something that Susan noticed, too.

"I've never seen Snape look so angry," she told Hermione.

"Argh!" Ron cried out in pain.

Malfoy had yanked on Ron's tightly wrapped scarf.

"Oh, sorry, Weasley, didn't see anyone under that pile of rags."

Malfoy grinned broadly at Crabbe and Goyle.

"Wonder how long What's-his-name Potter's going to stay on his broom this time? Anyone want a bet? What about you, Weasley?"

Percy stood up silently and moved to the Ravenclaw section.

"Oh, I forgot that you don't have any money," Malfoy called after him spitefully.

Ron ground his teeth and watched as Snape awarded the opposing team a penalty because one of the Weasleys had hit a Bludger away from Wood. Blaise also looked uncertainly at Malfoy.

"You know how they choose people for the Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty because one of the Hufflepuff Chasers had agreed to sleep with him. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasley's who've got no money – you should be on the team, Longarse, you've got no chance of success."

Neville went bright red but turned in his seat to face Malfoy.

"I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy," he stammered.

Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Ron howled with laughter.

"Longarse, if brains were gold you'd be poorer than Weasley."

Ron turned and said, "I'm warning you, Malfoy – one more word about my family –"

"Ron!" said Dean suddenly, "Harry -!"

"What? Where? When? How?"

Harry had suddenly gone into a spectacular dive, which drew gasps and cheers from the crowd.

"You're in luck, Weasley, Potter's obviously spotted some money on the ground! said Malfoy.

Ron snapped. Before Malfoy knew what was happening, Ron was on top of him, wrestling him to the ground, and Dean and Seamus had taken on Malfoy's two beefy bodyguards. Neville hesitated, then clambered over the back of his seat to help. Blaise wavered for a minute before joining the fray.

"Come on, Harry!" Luna screamed, leaping onto her seat and hoisting up her shirt.

The boys stopped tussling long enough to enjoy the view, then went back to punching, biting, and gouging.

Up in the air, Snape turned on his broomstick just in time to see something scarlet shoot past him, missing him by inches – the next second, Harry had pulled out of the dive, his arm raised in triumph, the Snitch clasped in his hand.

The Gryffindor stands erupted; it had to be a record, no one could remember the Snitch ever being caught so quickly.

"Dean! Seamus! Ron! Where are you? The games over! We won!" Luna shouted, dancing up and down on her seat and hugging Pavarti Patil, who had been weeping in the front row.

Lee Jordan, now confidant that Gryffindor had won, was practically singing to the crowd. "Take that, you losers! Finder Diggory denied! I'm definitely getting some of that Johnson!"

Professor McGonagall was so happy, she didn't even scold him. Harry jumped off his broom, a foot from the ground. He'd done it – the game was over; it had barely lasted five minutes. The party, on the other hand, would last hours.

(%)

It was at some point during the celebrations, no was really sure exactly when, that the Weasley Twins suggested that they go to the Forbidden Forest. When the students were assembled outside Hagrid's cabin, they divulged the nature of their plan.

"It's like this," Fred said, "in the forest, there is a rare species of mushroom from which we can make the drinker fall in love with the person who made the potion. The first person to find one and bring it back here will get this very special prize from us!"

"Yeah!" Ernie Macmillan roared drunkenly, "Hufflepuff for the win!"

"That so?" Ron cried, "We'll see about that!"

"None of you stand a chance!" Malfoy said thickly through the wad of tissues plugging his bloody nose.

"Malfoy, you prig!" Ron ejaculated (minds out of the gutter. It's an old-timey word meaning shouted. I'll be using it a lot in the future, so don't forget). "Who invited you?"

"No one tells me what I can't win! You're just afraid I'll beat you losers!"

"You're on, Malfoy!" Seamus said. "You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?"

"I could beat you sorry excuses for wizards with one arm in a cast!"

"Right, then!" said George happily. "We'll need you to form into five groups of two. Choose your partner wisely!"

"This is the best gig we plotted since that one with the Armenian hot sauce, the newt, and the toilet seat," Fred whispered.

After some shuffling and voting they arranged themselves into five teams.

Team 1 consisted of Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas. Team 2 had Harry Potter and Justin Finch-Fletchley paired up. Team 3 contained Ernie MacMillan and Cho Chang. For Team 4, Theodore Nott and Draco Malfoy were together. On Team 5 were Susan Bones and Luna Lovegood.

"Harry Potter and Justin Finch-Fletchley. I can see some difficulties there. And let's not forget Ernie MacMillan and Cho Chang. He hit on her seventeen times before she began breaking fingers. How's that hand, Ernie?" Lee Jordan asked.

"It f****** hurts, but it should be okay."

"What will you do with the potion if you win?"

"We'll see if I get any more broken fingers."

"Good luck, Ernie! You'll need it."

"Have you got all the magic cameras set up, Lee?" Fred asked.

"Of course," Lee assured him. "And we've got plenty of spare magic batteries for the magic flashlights."

"What about magic popcorn?"

"Got it covered."

"What does it turn 'em into?"

"What do you mean?"

"What does the popcorn turn them into?"

"It turns them blue."

"Blue? Blue! That's it? No Synhissasia spells?"

"Nope."

"No Aviarimorphus?"

"Uh-uh."

"No depantiators?"Fred roared.

"Sorry. Forgot how."

"How do you forget that spell?"

"I guess it's 'cuz I never studied."

"George and I'll have to reteach you that one later, then. I'll see what I can put together for now."

Malfoy whacked Harry weakly in the back of the head.

"Scared, Potter?" he jeered.

"Of your breath, Malfoy."

"Ha! Now I know your weakness! You better watch your back, Potter!"

"Piss off, d*******."

"I'll get you for that!"

"Right. Have fun."

Fred and George ushered the competitors to the beginnings of five trails.

"As you can see, the competition is about to begin," Jordan commentated. "Who will walk away with the love potion? Place your bets in Hagrid's outhouse. The contest will begin in three… two… one…Go!"

The students set off at a medium speed and tripping a couple times, because they each had a leg tied to their partner's.

"For your enjoyment, we've set up cameras in the Forbidden Forest. Broadcasting by MBBC, the Magic British Broadcasting Corporation, Nation shall speak Latin unto nation."

Camera 17a Draco Malfoy and Theodore Nott

"Got any good ideas, Draco?" Theodore whispered.

"Of course I do! It's sheer genius!"

"What is it?"

"What do you mean what is it? Why do I have to come up with all the brilliant plans, huh?"

"You're—Well, you're just so good at it."

"And that means I have to do everything?"

"No! No, I'm just not very good at that sort of thing. You're the smart one."

"I know, I know, I'm awesome."

"So what is the plan?"

"…"

"What?"

"Will you shut up and let me think?"

Camera 43c Susan Bones and Luna Lovegood

"Hey. Where are we?"

"What do you mean, where are we?"

"I don't think we should have left the path, Susan."

"What happened to, it's this way, follow me?"

"You know better than to trust me."

"I'm tied to your leg."

"Susan! I—"

"What?"

"Holy f****** s***!" Luna whispered.

"Luna!"

"Ssh! Susan, can I ask you two things?"

"Yes…" Susan said slowly.

"Is it your period?"

"No, it's not, you know that."

"Just making sure."

"What's the other question?"

"Can animals smell when it's your time of the month?"

"I think Hermione mentioned it, yes."

"Okay."

"Why do you ask?"

"I actually have a third question."

"Ask away."

"Do werewolves have a good sense of smell?"

Camera 9a Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan

"Dean, where'd you learn to shoot?"

"Huh?"

"You're so good with guns. You must have learned somewhere."

"Uh… NPA?"

"You're a member of the NPA? What's that stand for?"

"Uh… National Rifle Association?"

"Wouldn't that be NRA?"

"… the P stands for an old word meaning rifle."

"That makes sense. Cool. You ever shoot anyone?"

Dean sighed.

Camera 713xz Cho Chang and Ernie MacMillan

"Get off my foot!"

"How can I help it? Your feet are so big!"

"Only compared to your tyke-boots!"

"Are you saying I'm not manly?"

"No, but you aren't."

"I take umbrage at that! Let me show you how manly I am!"

"You pull it out, I rip it off."

Camera i Harry Potter and Justin Finch-Fletchley

"… but Padma and Pavarti are conflicted and unable to make up their minds. By the sound of it, there are any number of people willing to share a bed with either of them, but Fred and George are, well, Fred and George. While we're on the subject, I haven't heard any talk that said that you…"

"I haven't."

"Oh. So sorry to hear that."

"I'm alright."

"If you aren't going out with anyone, then maybe you might consider…"

"Who?"

"Well… me."

"You?"

"Yeah."

"You're a dude."

"So?"

"You're a poof!"

"C'mon, that's sort of offensive."

"You're gay?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"The internet is swarming with gay Harry Potter stories that pair him with Ron, Snape, Dumbledore, Sirius… Do we really need to start this with Justin, too?"

"I guess not… If you're no interested… okay, I'll leave you alone."

"Thank you! What's that?"

"What's what?"

"What?"

"What's what?" Justin repeated.

"You're confusing me!" yelled Harry frustratedly.

"Reconsidering me as an option?"

"What? No! What's that in the clearing up ahead?"

"Looks like two people in black cloaks."

"Get down, let's sneak up and see what they're doing."

-*- For those of you who haven't figured it out, I got the idea for this from volume 5 of a popular manga.

Snape stood in the clearing, facing Quirrell, who was trembling violently with fear.

"…d-don't know why you wanted t-to meet me here of all p-places, Severus…"

"Cut the crap, Quirrell," said Snape coldly. "Students aren't supposed to know about the Sorcerer's Stone, after all. Have you found out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's yet?"

"B-b-b-b-b-but Severus, I –"

"You don't want me as an enemy, Quirrell," said Snape, taking a step toward him.

"I-I don't know what you –"

"You know perfectly well what I mean."

An owl swooped overhead and hooted, blocking out some of Snape's next words.

"—your little bit of hocus-pocus. I'm waiting."

"B-but I d-d-d-d-don't –"

"Very well," Snape cut in. "We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had time to think things over and decided where your loyalties lie."

Harry and Justin returned to the edge of the forest, where several of the teams were already waiting.

"We won! We won!" Susan was cheering, dancing in a circle with Luna.

"As soon as Cho gets back, we'll have her stir up a couple vials of potion," said George.

"We're really sorry, Harry, we had no idea he was gay," Jordan apologized.

"Would you all cut it out! Why is it such a big deal?" said Justin, annoyed.

"It's because most people only have heterosexual or homosexual characters, and only rarely do they have both. Oftentimes they won't show any strife between the two if they do because they can't admit to the issue even existing." Dean blinked. "What just happened?"

"I think you just had a big out-of-character monologue. Probably the author or something," said Seamus.

"Author?"

"Like God, except he's got no life or plot-writing ability."

Next time on HPMF:

Author: I feel vaguely insulted.

Harry: Don't be! At least you've got some originality.

Seamus: Yeah, at least you're not writing a commentary of My Immortal.

Luna: Pleinair, that would suck.