A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited or followed this story!

Special thanks to samcarter1980 and CriminalCrazy!

I don't own criminal minds!

Chapter 20: Expression

JJ's head had been spinning for the past few minutes. The emotions she felt were all over the place and there wasn't a way she could make them go away. She wished she could, but she just didn't know how. She never meant to snap in the conversation with Julie, but it felt like she was undermining her. And JJ wasn't going to hear someone talk bad about her situation when they didn't even know that many details.

Her heart skipped a beat when the door opened. No one seemed to understand what knocking was for and it made her angry. Every little sound scared her. They should know that. But when she saw Derek's face, she forgot her anger.

''Hey,'' Derek greeted as he walked into the room. He carefully closed the door behind him before making his way to JJ. ''How are you holding up?''

''I'm hanging in there. I think.'' she answered honestly. She didn't know how she was. Her body still hurt like hell. She was covered in bruises, that only reminded her of what happened.

Derek sat down in the chair, breathing in before talking. ''You don't look fine to me, JJ.''

''I know.'' she agreed in a whisper. She was sitting up in the bed, which made it easier for her to talk to Derek. ''How did you get over it?''

''I don't think I ever did, JJ.'' he replied. ''I never talked about it and it just slowly tore me apart. My way of dealing with it, is to do this job and I try to not look back at my childhood. That's the only thing I know.''

''I get it. I don't think I can ever get over it.'' she said with disappointment in her voice. ''So, where do you work now?''

Derek noticed her change of subject, but he wasn't going to point it out. The last thing he wanted was to make JJ angry. ''I'm Unit Chief of Organized Crimes at the New-York Field Office.''

''That's great, Derek. You were always easy to work with.''

''Ah, really?'' he asked with a teasing voice. ''I thought I was so hard to resist with my charms and of course my looks.''

''Sure,'' JJ joked. ''I felt like I was your mother half of the time because I needed to get you away from Spence.'' she explained. ''And you're not that attractive.''

''Ouch!'' he exclaimed. ''That really hurt!''

''I'm just telling the truth.''

''JJ, could I ask you something?'' Derek asked, his voice serious and soft.

JJ shrugged her shoulders. ''Depends on the question.''

Derek straightened himself up a little. He felt nervous to ask JJ the question. ''Did you really decide to go back home with your parents when you get discharged?''

''It's none of your business, Derek.''

''Like hell it is!'' he said angrily.

''No, it's not.'' JJ yelled back. ''You have no idea why I am doing this and it's my own decision!''

''I do know why you're doing this!''

''No, you don't Derek.'' she contradicted. ''You think you know me so well Derek?'' she asked, but she never let him answer. ''Do I really have to justify every choice I make?''

''I might not know you after everything that happened to you, but there's someone who will fall apart when you leave.'' he said, noticing that JJ's eyes looked at him in shock. ''Yes, I know. I know you had an affair with Hotch. But do you really want to be the one who tears out his heart?''

''That's not fair!'' JJ said with tears in her eyes. ''I'm not responsible for his feelings. I wasn't six years ago and I am still not.'' she went on. ''I don't have to carry that responsibility, Derek. I have enough problems all on my own. I need to think about what's best for me right now.'' she said, taking a deep breath before continuing. ''I know I will fall apart when I go back to DC. I don't want Hotch to be there when I am going through all of this. He doesn't deserve to see me like that. I am not doing this for me, Derek!'' JJ explained loudly.

Derek leaned back in the chair after JJ just poured her heart out to him. ''I just don't want you to wake up years from now and realize you made a mistake.''

''I made a mistake six years ago when I started an affair with a married man who happened to be my boss.'' JJ added after Derek's response. ''It should have never happened in the first place, Derek. It only filled my carefree life with drama. I thought I was a booty call to him.''

''I'm not saying that I think you did the right thing, but when I look at Hotch I see how deeply he feels for you. I've never seen him like that, JJ. It has to mean something.''

''I just need to find the power to move on with my life.''

''And you want to find that by going back to East Allegheny?'' he asked. ''I thought we were your family, JJ.'' he added sadly.

''You're right Derek. We were.''

''That's not true.''

''No?'' JJ asked. ''The entire team fell apart after my disappearance. Emily and you left. What does that say?'' she questioned. ''I can't find my way back if I go to DC.''

''I guess I can't convince you.''

''I guess you can't.''

Derek rose from the chair. He walked to the door and then suddenly turned around to face JJ. ''But just know one thing!'' he stated.

''What's that?'' she asked.

''Family and love are the only things that'll help you through this. I just hope you will realize that in time.'' he said.

JJ watched him walk out of the room. His words were stuck in her mind. But she still wasn't going to do what the team wanted. She had made her decision and she would stick by it no matter what. It felt like the best option. Her family was back in her home town, and not in Washington, DC. But was that really true? Did blood really make you family? Or was it about more than that?

Those questions took over JJ's mind as she lay down in the bed. She closed her eyes to think, but they instantly opened when she saw the images flash before her eyes. And then she realized she didn't know much any longer. Her world had been turned upside down and she no longer knew the difference between wrong and right.