Dean was headed back to the hotel when his phone rang and Cas' number showed up on the caller ID. After a quick conversation, Dean was impressed to find out that Cas had a name, story, and burial location of the vengeful spirit. Not bad work for the angel's first time on his own. He gave instructions for Ed to drop off Cas with his research and go get changed for a good old fashioned exhumation and salt & burn. He had almost forgotten that Melody was still beside him on the edge of a complete breakdown until he heard her squeak when he told Ed to go get shovels for grave digging.
Shit. She went even whiter as she continued to hold her legs up with her arms wrapped around them in a vertical fetal position.
"D-did you say d-dig up a grave?" Melody was shaking and Dean knew he had to get her to calm down. Thankfully, they were just pulling into the motel parking lot so he turned off the car and walked around to help Melody out of the passenger seat. He had to unbuckle her and hold both of her hands to guide her into the room where he sat her down on a bed. When he tried to move away, though, she grabbed onto his jacket and forced him to sit down next to her.
"Hey, it's OK. We're professionals. We know who the spirit is and where she is buried. That means this is an easy hunt. We will get rid of her tonight. Spirits can't travel far from the place they died so you're safe here."
Melody grabbed the front of his jacket with both hands and buried her face in his chest, heaving deep breaths. Dean patted her back in soft soothing motions, feeling her breathing slowly returning to normal.
"This has to be a nightmare."
"I wish I could tell you that this is just a bad dream. But the truth is that there are things that go bump in the night. The good news is that we know how to deal with a lot of them. Don't worry, you're safe with me."
Melody sat back up and looked up at Dean with those big baby blues. Damn, she was beautiful! "Don't let her hurt me." Melody whispered up at Dean.
The next thing Dean knew her lips were on his. Dean didn't know who had moved first but suddenly, he found himself kissing Melody. Her lips were soft and she tasted amazing and her body felt soft and pliant in his arms. So why didn't this feel right? Something was gnawing at his gut telling him this was wrong.
"Oh, my apologies." Dean heard Cas' voice and he immediately pulled away from Melody and locked eyes with the angel, who was standing in the doorway. Cas was actually blushing and he looked so flustered and was that hurt? Before Dean had a chance to react, Cas dropped the folders with his research and backed out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
Dean immediately stood up to follow his friend, but Melody still had her hands firmly wrapped in his jacket and she panicked at the idea of Dean leaving her alone. "No! Don't leave," she shrieked and pulled him back down. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck, breathing heavily again at the idea of being left alone.
Shit! Dean knew this was the job and that his priority was to protect Melody and stay focused on the job. He couldn't be worried about Cas right now, but he was. He wanted to follow his friend and talk to him and for some crazy reason he felt like he needed to explain himself to Cas. Why did he feel like he had just been caught cheating? It wasn't like he had anything going on with Cas. He should be able to kiss whomever he wanted, right? Then why did he feel like such a jerk right now?
He took another moment to calm Melody back down, patting her back and telling her she was safe. This time, though, he made sure to keep his touches very platonic so they didn't get out of hand again. Finally, he took her by the shoulders and pulled her back, looking into her eyes and told her, "Melody, I need to find that guy. I won't leave you. I just need to see if he is outside. I'll be right here, OK?" He talked slowly and deliberately to keep her focused. She nodded and he pried himself from her vice grip on his jacket, but she still wasn't willing to let go of his hand.
Fine, he thought, and walked out into the parking lot with Melody still attached to look around for Cas, but he didn't see him anywhere. He knew the dude couldn't teleport anymore so he couldn't have gone too far. "Cas!" he called out to his friend, but there was no answer. Even if Cas was nearby, the sight of Dean standing here holding freaking hands with the actress who he had just been making out with would probably make the angel keep walking the other direction. Resigned, he turned to walk back into the motel room to try calling his friend, who of course wasn't answering.
Dean left a message on his voice mail, "Cas, pick up, man. I need to talk to you."
"Cas?" The actress recognized the name and looked at him quizzically.
Dean pulled his hand over his face, closing his eyes, wondering what he was going to tell Melody. She had already seen the spirit and had heard him use Castiel's real name. The easiest thing would be to just tell her the truth, but in her fragile state it might be a bit much for her to take in. He looked at her and damn if she wasn't doing Cas' head tilt and squint thing. Shit!
"Listen," he told her as he guided her back down to sit on the bed, "the Supernatural books are real. My name is Dean and that tall guy you met earlier in wardrobe? He's my brother Sam. All the crap in those books? It really happened."
The actress sat stock still with her mouth hanging open before she blinked a few times and whispered, "This can't be happening. It's just a movie, a story. This stuff isn't real. Oh my God, am I having a nervous breakdown?"
Dean thought the answer to that question was probably yes, but kept that to himself. "No. This is real and you know from the books that Sam and I can handle this. You're going to be fine."
Melody suddenly winced and her eyes widened in fear, "Oh wait! Are you like a crazed fan? Is this a Misery thing?"
Dean sighed, "You saw that ghost yourself. I'm telling the truth. Now, just take a breath 'cause I have to make a phone call."
"Wait… was that… Castiel? Oh no! I feel terrible. You have to call him."
Dean sighed, relieved that Melody was finally catching on and getting with the program. He tried Cas' number again, but the phone had been turned off. He left several more messages, each increasingly frustrated until finally Dean yelled, "Fine! If you want to be a bitch about this than we'll just finish this case without you. Not like we've never had to do that before!" Dean paused before taking a deep breath and finishing the message quietly, "Just come back, OK?"
Castiel knew that he had no right to be upset when he walked in and saw Dean kissing that actress. He had seen Dean kiss many girls before. He had many times watched, silently cloaked, from Lisa's back yard as Dean would kiss the woman who shared his bed. He even remembered that pang of regret that he felt when he saw Dean kiss Anna goodbye. But that was when he had his grace.
All of these awful human feelings were so much more manageable when he could just mute them with his grace. He didn't have to feel the tingling in his fingers and toes that accompanied fear. He hadn't felt the hot rush of blood to his cheeks when he was embarrassed or flattered. He didn't know the fluttering feeling in his belly that he got when Dean was kind to him. He hadn't felt the warm roll of desire in his groin when Dean would step out of the shower wrapped only in a towel. And he certainly hadn't felt the stomach lurch and nausea that could only be labeled jealousy and hurt.
How did humans manage all of these emotions every day? He had never realized just how connected human bodies were to their emotions. Now that he was flooded with them for the first time in his exceptionally long life, it was too much. They drained him and confused him and he just wanted his grace back so that he could stop being so overwhelmed with all of these feelings.
But then there was that one feeling that he really didn't want to go away. It could best be described as a warm hum that he would feel throughout his whole body. The first time he felt it was when Dean had opened the door to the bunker and seen him standing there. He was afraid that Dean was going to turn him away, but instead, the hunter had taken two large strides forward and pulled him into a tight hug. The warmth had flooded Castiel, so much so that his knees nearly buckled with the unexpected feeling. Dean had felt him sway and assumed that it was from exhaustion and hunger and had immediately ushered him into his home for rest and sustenance.
He had felt it again when Dean had pulled him into the bathroom and taught him how to shave. Dean's laughter and genuine affection filled Castiel up with that warmth. It felt like trust, companionship, protectiveness, sacrifice, and respect. The feeling had started to come over him more and more since he had lost his grace until it had become a low hum that pulsed under his skin whenever he was with Dean. Castiel may not have had experience with emotions, but he wasn't stupid. He knew that this feeling was love.
An idea dawned on Castiel. He may not have angelic grace to mute feelings, but he knew what Dean would do to numb himself when he didn't want to feel. He would drink. So Castiel headed for the nearest bar.
He knew that Dean drank beer with Sam when he just wanted to relax and he drank whisky by himself when he didn't want to feel. Castiel sat down at the bar and ordered whisky. The last time he had consumed this drink he had an angel's grace so it had little effect on him at all. He fondly remembered drinking with the Winchester's friends and felt sad at the loss of the women who had welcomed him so graciously.
This time was different. The drink burned his tongue and throat going down and filled him with a false heat. He hated it, but he wanted to chase that numbness, to bury the hurt and confusion and jealousy that were just too much. Castiel ordered another shot, and another, and another before his eyes began to feel heavy and his head began to feel light.
"Drowning your sorrows?" Castiel heard a low voice beside him say. He looked over and found that he was sitting next to a handsome man with green eyes.
"I do not believe that there is enough liquid in these small glasses to drown in. I am simply imbibing large quantities of alcohol to mask my feelings."
The man gave him a quizzical look before he smiled and lifted his own drink to his lips, "Join the club. So what's your trouble? Money, family, love?"
"Love, def'ntly love," Castiel slurred. Woah, he hadn't realized the alcohol was having an effect on him and he shook his head a little to clear the fog.
"Yeah, me too. I spent the day missing my ex-girlfriend."
"I am new to dealing with these feelings. How does one make them go away?"
The man turned and looked right into Castiel's eyes. "Me? I like to have mind blowing sex with a practical stranger."
"Oh," said Castiel as he backed a little away from the man.
"Hey, easy there, tiger. Been there, done that. I just came from a nice romp in the sack."
"If sex truly helps you, why are you still here drinking?"
"Touché!" The man grinned at Castiel and took another drink, "So how 'bout you? The whisky working?"
"Not really. I still feel just as bad, but now my body and mind feel sluggish on top of that."
The man laughed. "So tell me, what's your trouble?"
"I believe I am in love. But I fear that love could never be returned. I am… not what I used to be. I can't be of use like I was before."
"Of use? Man, love isn't about what you can do for someone. It's just about being there. If a girl just wants you around for what you can do for her, she's probably a gold-digger. You shouldn't settle for that. So what's this girl asking you for?"
Castiel thought about that. What had Dean asked him for? Now that he thought about it, Dean hadn't asked for his help because of his angelic powers in a very long time. Not since Dick Roman had Dean asked him for anything at all… except to come to him, to stay with him, and to watch out for Sam. Dean had sought him out in Purgatory, knowing that he may not be in fighting condition. He had invited him to hunt with the Winchesters, but hadn't asked him to use his powers. In fact, it was Castiel who had asked for Dean's help repeatedly since Purgatory – help with Samandriel, in Lucifer's crypt, after Crowley had shot him in the stomach, and with the supposed angel trials. And Dean had helped him every time, asking only for one thing in return… for Castiel to stay.
"He isn't asking anything from me. I believe Dean just wants me to stay with him."
"Dean, huh? What a coincidence. I'm playing a Dean in a movie called Supernatural. Name's Nick Morgan." The man held out a hand to formally introduce himself to Castiel.
"I'm Ca- Kirk." Castiel shook the man's hand, remembering at the last minute to use the fake name that Charlie had picked out for him.
"Well, Kirk, sounds like maybe your Dean isn't so bad."
What if this man was right, that loving someone meant that you just wanted them to be there with you? That's all Dean had asked of him. Maybe the loss of his grace didn't matter to Dean. What if the librarian was right, and Dean really did love him, even still? Castiel began to feel something new, something that felt a little like a flutter high in his chest. He was pretty sure this was hope.