I do not own Family Guy, Futurama, or American Dad.

Good news, everyone! After this infernal chapter, there will only be two more! Then I can finally get to work on something more important: Part Two! I also have a little practical advice: Romania is not an ideal vacation spot in winter.

Chapter 17: Dragons at the Beach

"Have you seen Hermione Granger?"

"Yes," replied Harry.

"Isn't she gorgeous?"

"In what way?"

"I mean, she got curves in all the right places!"

"About a foot below or half a foot above where it's normal for them to be?"

"I'm going to ask her out."

"Good luck, Malfoy! Seamus, where's the camera?" asked Harry.

"I've got it here," said Seamus, waving the magical video camera.

Malfoy walked happily across the hall, to where Hermione was sitting with Susan and Luna at the Ravenclaw table, and began to talk to Hermione. Hermione stood up and slapped Malfoy full across the face and stomped out of the hall, Luna following close behind. Malfoy gazed after her, looking starstruck.

"Brilliant, eh?" one of the twins said.

"Brilliant," agreed Harry.

"Thank Susan and Luna, they're the ones who did it. Hey, Seamus! I'll give you four sickles for a copy of that!"

"Done!" said Seamus, shaking hands with the twin.

"Wasn't that horrible! That lady turned him down so ungraciously, despite his gentlemanly actions toward her!"

"Put a sock in it, Elegante," said Fred, pushing the ninny out of his way.

"Did you see the look on Malfoy's face?" Seamus asked, still laughing gleefully.

"It was priceless! I thought he was going to commit suicide right then and there."

"Look, he's leaving. Let's follow."

Harry and Seamus traipsed out of the hall, trying to look inconspicuous.

"Wait up, Harry!" shouted Susan, who then stood up and jogged over.

"Great work with that love potion, Susan. You and Luna have outdone yourselves this time."

"Thank you, Seamus. It's nice to be appreciated for once."

"Let's follow them, it's bound to get better," laughed Seamus.

"Sorry Seamus," apologized Harry, "Hagrid wanted to talk to me at his hut in a few minutes. As much as I'd like to, I can't right now."

"That's a pity. Oh well, see you later."

Seamus scurried off, camera in hand to see where Malfoy and Hermione had got to.

When Harry knocked on the door of the gamekeepers hut an hour later, his cloak still smoldering from the river of lava he had to cross in the maze, he was surprised to see the curtains were closed. Hagrid called "Who is it?" Before he let him in, and then shut the door quickly behind him.

It was stifling hot inside. Even though it was such a warm day, there was a blazing fire in the grate. Hagrid made him tea and offered him stoat sandwiches, which he refused.

"So – yeh wanted to ask me somethin'?"

"Yes," said Harry. There was no point beating around the bush. "I was wondering if you could- open-a-window- tell me what's guarding the Philosopher's Stone apart from Fluffy."

Hagrid frowned at him.

"Harry, I'm smashed, not stupid," he said.

"Oh, come on, Hagrid, you might not want to tell me, but you can't resist my puppy-dog eyes."

Harry's eyes glistened with unshed tears and his lower lip stuck out, trembling.

Hagrid looked into Harry's eyes.

Harry's eyes glistened with unshed tears and his lower lip stuck out, trembling.

Hagrid looked into Harry's eyes.

Harry's eyes glistened with unshed tears and his lower lip stuck out, trembling.

Hagrid looked into Harry's eyes.

Harry's eyes glistened with unshed tears and his lower lip stuck out, trembling.

Hagrid's face softened.

"All righ', just cut that out, would yeh? How do yeh know about Fluffy? I probably wouldn' get it out o' yeh anyway... let's see… the headmaster borrowed Fluffy from me… then some o' the teachers did enchantments… there was some bother with a lot of stonecutters and a whole ton o' metal an' chains. Professor Snape carried up a ton o' potions…"

"Snape?"

"Yeah – why's that so odd?"

"Nothing's odd about it- could you please open a window?"

"Did I fart?"

"I hope not, besides, it's a freaking furnace in here!"

"Can't, Harry, sorry," said Hagrid. Harry noticed him glance at the fire. Harry looked at it, too.

"Hagrid – what's that?"

"That's – er… a dragon egg."

"They make good omelets?"

"No! I won it las' night. I was down in the village pub havin' a few barrels an' got into a game o' cribbage with a strange fella'. Think he was quite glad ter get rid o' it, ter be honest."

"Why do think that?"

"I think he might of thought they were illegal or sommat."

"They aren't?"

"I can't imagine why they would be," Hagrid said, shrugging.

"Err- Hagrid. You do realize you live in a wooden house, right?"

.

So now Harry had something else to worry about: what might happen to Hagrid if anyone found out he had a potentially illegal dragon his hovel.

"Where the hell did my lazy weekends go?" Harry sighed, as evening after evening he struggled through all the extra homework they were getting. It was driving everyone nuts.

Then, one breakfast time, Hedwig brought Harry another note from Hagrid. It said:

Dear Harry,

Workplace inspection is coming up and I was wondering if you could look after my 'breakfast' for a bit. Stop by the hut this afternoon.

Rather unwillingly, Harry went that afternoon to Hagrid's shack. He knocked politely on the door and made one last effort to empty his cloak of moat water, wringing it in his hands. Hagrid thumped over to the door and opened it a crack.

"Good ter see yeh, Harry," he said happily.

"Hagrid, about the egg…" started Harry.

"I have great news, Harry! It's hatched!"

"What?"

"It's hatched! Jus' wait'll yeh see 'im. I've named 'im Norbert."

Hagrid backed up to let Harry enter. Inside, the dragon was curled up on the bed. As Harry stepped a bit closer, a stream of flame erupted from the snoring dragonling's snout. Luckily for Harry, his cloak was still soaked from the fall in the moat, and he didn't catch fire.

"Isn't he beautiful?" Hagrid murmured. He reached out a hand and stroked the dragonling's head.

It growled contentedly in its sleep, rolling over to put its belly to the roof.

"Hagrid, how fast do dragons grow?" asked Harry nervously.

"Norbert's a Norwegian Ridgeback, so… pretty fast. It's so nice of you ter look after 'im."

"Hagrid, I can't look after a dragon!"

"Well, why not? He's just a baby, after all."

"A baby dragon! Besides, I'm sure it's against the rules in some way..."

But Hagrid was too busy admiring Norbert to listen. He reached out his great big fingers and began to tickle Norbert's belly gently.

.

"—And that's about when it set Hagrid's bed on fire," finished Harry.

"Brilliant," whispered Ron. "Bloody brilliant."

"You know, dragons really are illegal," said Susan.

"I didn't know for sure. For that matter, why do you know? Got aspirations to take care of your very own dragon? I can arrange it."

"Goodness, no," said Susan, waving her hands, "My mum's a judge, so I hear about this sort of thing all the time at home."

They were in the Great Hall, enjoying that night's dinner of shepherd's pie and roast pork. Harry had piled up a ton of crisps on his plate and was eating them as he told his story. The meat in the shepherd's pie was just right, neither too dry nor too soggy. Ron, of course, was eating with his hands, and Hermione looked about ready to explode with anger at his bad table manners. Seamus, in contrast, had divided his plate into quarters which he slowly rotated to eat from, one containing the shepherd's pie, one the pork, one some sprouts, and the last, milk. Don't ask why, but it was the smoothest, richest, most succulent milk you ever- Oh, sorry, got pulled off on a tangent there.

"So where're you keeping it?" asked Seamus.

"In that girl's bathroom that has the closed sign on the door."

"Ooh, Harry, that's probably not a good idea," said Luna.

"Why not? Why can't he do that?" asked Ron.

"Moaning Myrtle," answered Luna, accompanied by a nod from Susan and Hermione.

"Moaning Myrtle? Who's that?" asked Seamus.

"She's the ghost that haunts that bathroom. It's closed because no one can stand going in there."

"That, at least, makes sense," sighed Ron.

"Harry, you can't keep a dragon in a bathroom for long," reasoned Susan.

"Why? The only person I've ever seen go in is Neville."

"That's not what I—Really?"

"Yup. Twice."

"Huh. Well, that's Neville for you."

"Pass the potatoes, Dean."

"Sure thing, man."

.

The next morning, the students discovered that the sun was up when they awoke. It was winter, and they were not used to the sun rising so early. The Gryffindors rushed to the windows and looked down on the green grass growing below. That was certainly not right. In winter, snow is on the ground, not elderly teachers in speedos. Indeed, a few of the teachers were lying on towels positioned close to the edge of the lake. Actually, that would be incorrect. It was not the lake. It was the Black Sea.

Percy opened the door and said "good morning" before informing them of this development.

"Every year, sometime during the winter, the Headmaster teleports the castle to some remote location for a vacation. Students are given the week off to relax and explore. This year's vacation destination was picked to be the Black Sea, and that's where we are now. You can do whatever you want, but don't go too far off. At the end of the week, we'll be headed home, and we don't want to leave anyone behind."

"Not for lack of trying, though, eh?" asked a twin.

"Last year you tried to ditch us in Hamburg so we wouldn't ruin your chances of becoming a prefect," said the other.

"What a kind and loving brother."

"Enough, you two—Whoa! Hey!"

Fred and George each grabbed him by an arm and drug him from the room.

They stood in shocked silence for a moment before Seamus suddenly cried, "What're we waiting for?"

The boys tossed back their covers and began digging through their trunks. Ron came up with a pair of faded maroon trunks. Dean produced a black speedo and Seamus, a pair of longer brown trunks. It was a few moments before Harry remembered that he had no swimsuit and said as much.

"You could use mine," suggested Neville, who hadn't moved.

"I couldn't. If I took yours, what would you wear?"

"Madam Zabini didn't heal by broken leg and said that wearing a cast for awhile would teach me a lesson."

"Oh. Thanks, Neville."

Harry changed into Neville's yellow and grey trunks before rushing downstairs. He rushed through breakfast and ran outside, where half the school was already on the beach. He tossed his shirt on Terry's sand castle and ran to meet a wave. The water broke over him and he kept running until he was up to his chest in water. He was enjoying himself so much that he didn't even notice Hermione scolding Ron, who was pretending to drown himself.

Harry spent most of the day at the beach, not because he enjoyed swimming (in fact, Harry didn't know how to swim. His aunt and uncle wanted to be rid of him and hoped he'd drown someday by accident), but because he enjoyed looking at the girls in their bathing suits. He took special interest in Lavendar Brown's blue bikini, and Cho Chang's white four-piece. He was just beginning to drool over Katie's swimsuit when he saw something behind her that would have made him go white, were he not a dull bronze colour from some of Fred's tanning lotion. It was Norbert.

The dragon was stalking a crab which scuttled away whenever Norbert came too close. Harry got ahold of himself and nonchalantly made his way over to Norbert. He picked the dragon up and wrapped it in a towel. Norbert was not happy about it, and croaked at him. Harry ignored the dragon's complaints and carried it to a stand of trees nearby. Relieved to be away from prying eyes, Harry let Norbert crawl out of the towel. Norbert sniffed a tree, then raised his leg. The smell of melting wood registered negatively on Harry's nostrils, but he wasn't the only one to smell it.

"Aphew!" sneezed Luna.

"Luna! What are you doing out here? Why aren't you down at the beach?" asked Harry, pushing aside the bushes.

In the clearing were four or five girls in the middle of relieving themselves, all of whom were greatly embarrassed and angered. Harry fled, leaving their angry shouts behind him. Predictably, Norbert had chosen that moment to sneak off. Harry returned to the beach to look for any sign of Norbert. He didn't find Norbert, but he did find Hagrid, who was sunning his pale hide in a manner that made him look like a cross between Santa Claus and the Ghost of Christmas Present.

"'Ello, Harry! Enjoyin' yer time off, are ye?"

"Hagrid! I've got some bad news!"

Hagrid's face fell.

"They're not out of rum, are they?" he asked weakly.

"No, it's about Norbert—"

"Don't say another word, Harry. I know what yer goin' ter say, and I've given it a lot o' thought. Yer right. I can't keep 'im, he's too young and I'm too hairy. If ye think I shouldn't keep 'im, ye can release 'im if ye like."

Hagrid, you have no idea how helpful that is," said Harry.

Harry left Hagrid and was just looking around for Seamus when Luna caught up to him.

"Peeping again, were you? I said I didn't mind, but that doesn't mean the other girls shared my opinion. You might want to- What's wrong?" she asked, finally noticing the strained look on his face.

"Norbert's disappeared. Hagrid said I can release him into the wild, but if he wanders about here, he might get hurt."

"Harry, that's so… responsible of you. Didn't expect this, not at all. I think Ron might be able to help, in any case."

It was a few minutes, but just as Harry had almost had enough of running around from person to person for quick snatches of conversation, they found Ron, who was carrying a rolled up beach towel.

"Hey, Harry! Know why making love with Lavender on the beach is like making love with a pretty girl on the beach?" asked Ron.

Harry's brow knit in confusion.

"It's f***ing close to water," shouted Ron, laughing.

Harry and Luna looked at each other and shrugged.

"Luna, there's been something I wanted to ask you."

"What is it?"

"How the hell can you walk around in the sunlight during the day? You're a vampire right? And here you are on the beach in a bathing suit! Why aren't you dead?"

"I think we're getting a little distracted from the plot here, can we get back on topic?" suggested Harry.

"In a minute. Ron, forget everything you know about vampires. We have none of the weaknesses normally attributed to us. Sun, holy water, crosses, all those things do not affect us. I could drink holy water on a sunny day while saying the Our Father and be right as rain."

"Back to the story now. Ron, how can you help us?"

"So you could drink holy water, walk into a church uninvited and take a piss on the door mat?"

"Theoretically speaking, yes, but I can't see why I would ever-"

"That would be so awesome!"

"Ron!" shouted Harry. "We need your help! HOW CAN YOU HELP US?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. By the way, you remember how my brother Charlie takes care of dragons?"

"I don't think you've ever mentioned it."

"Haven't I? Anyways, my brother Charlie takes care of dragons here, and has come to visit me and my brothers! Isn't that awesome?"

"Thank you, Ron! Take us to him, whenever you're ready!"

Ron raised an eyebrow, then went back to talking with Luna. Harry gave an exasperated sigh before giving up. He shuffled over to a picnic blanket and sat down to eat. Susan came and sat by him.

"Hi, Harry! How are you?"

"Great. Just great. I've got a baby dragon to deal with and my opportunity to foist it over on Ron's brother is being ruined by his lack of interest."

"That's funny. Charlie didn't strike me as the kind of person to just blow someone off like that."

"You've met him?" asked Harry hopefully.

"Yes. Just today, actually. He's over there, talking to my sister."

"The guy with Weasley hair?"

"Who else could he be?"

"Ah. Good point."

Harry walked over to the pair, his feet feeling like the soles were shedding.

"Are you Charlie Weasley?"

"Yes."

"I know your brother Ron an-"
"You know my little bro? Hey, cool! Hang with me."

Harry, not knowing how to respond to this, sat down.

"This is my girlfriend, Niño, and she's, like, totally awesome."

"That's nice. I have a small-"

"Want a hot dog, bro? We've got mustard."

"Yes, please. You see, there's this drag-"

"Relish?"

"No thanks. Thank you. Okay, now wh-"

"My little bro hasn't been mean to you, has he? He can be a bit antisocial at times."

"No. There'sadragon,yousee,that'srunning'roundwildhereandmightgethurt. You got that?"

"Say again."

"There's a baby dragon, you see, that's running around wild here and might get hurt."

"I'm more worried about all these students. There's not much more deceiving and unpredictable than a baby dragon. I'll keep an eye out for it. Catsup?"

.

"My bro said he found the dragon," said Ron. "He's going to help it find a new home. Just think, Harry, that without my help, that dragon might not have caused such an entertaining afternoon."

Harry was about to make a snide remark when Hermione spoke up.

"Oh, balls."

Everyone within earshot stared. Draco was standing close by with a box of gourmet chocolates and a bunch of cowslips.

"My love! My sweet! My arms ache to hold you to my chest in heartfelt-" Draco cut off as a tout smacked into the side of his face.

He was out cold and the students on the surrounding blankets were laughing themselves silly as Hermione passed the fish back to Lee, who was manning the grill.

"I'm beginning to suspect that Malfoy's affection is more than just a little fishy," she said, turning her glare on Susan and Luna, who were twiddling their thumbs or whistling or doing some other frivolous thing that drew attention to them inadvertently. Another cheer rose up.

Next time on HPMF:

Harry: The year is almost over and we haven't resolved the plot yet!

Snape: Don't worry, I'm sure it will resolve itself.

Harry: What are you doing here? Help! Seamus! Luna!

Seamus: Hold on, Harry, I'm coming!