I do not own the Family Circus, Foxtrot, or Garfield.

Chapter 18: Race to the Finish

In books to come, Harry would never quite remember how he had managed to get through his exams when he half expected Seamus would blow up the castle at any moment.

It was sweltering hot, especially in the large classroom where they did their written papers. They had been given special, new quills for the exams, which had been bewitched with an Anti-Cheating spell.

They had practical exams as well. Professor West called them in one by one into his class to see if they could make a flamingo do a tango by itself. Professor McGonagall wanted them to turn a mouse into a rat. Snape made them all nervous, breathing down their necks while they tried to make nitroglycerine. Neville was given a preemptive fail so he wouldn't hurt himself.

Harry did the best he could, trying to ignore the stabbing pains in his forehead, which had been bothering him ever since chapter sixteen. The exams were really getting to him. He ignored Susan's suggestion that he drink more water to help with his headaches. The last exam, History of Magic, was okay. They had to do a class reproduction of the battle of Hinklesworth. Harry got to be the mage knight battalion that crushed the peasantry played by Neville.

"That was far easier than I thought it would be," said Hermione, who had, of course, done perfectly.

Hermione always liked to go over their exam papers afterward. Harry was surprised to note that she was a more common sight these days. After dodging her with a muttered 'got to see a man about a dog,' he went to Hagrid's. After crawling under the last row of razorvine, he knocked on Hagrid's door.

Hagrid opened the door and said weakly, "'Ello, Harry."

"Hagrid, what's the matter? Still sad about Norbert?"

Hagrid was entirely sober.

"No, it's not that. Dumbledore cancelled our golf game for tonight. The minister of magic wants his help, so he won't be back until tomorrow."

"Dumbledore's leaving?"

"Fer France. Goodness knows why the minister's there. Getting through customs can be right annoying there."

"Sorry, Hagrid. Gotta go!" said Harry, rushing back out the door.

"But ye only jus' got 'ere. Ah, well. Bye, Harry!"

Harry burst into the common room, where Ron was snogging Lavender as Hermione studiously read her book on lighthouse tending upside down. (To be more specific, it's a book about tending lighthouses while upside down. The book, however, was right side up.)

"Dumbledore! Golf! France!" said Harry.

"What? asked Dean, who was sitting by the fire with Seamus.

"Dumbledore has gone to France! Snape's going to strike tonight!"

"Not that thing you were talking about before! Snape after the stone?" said Hermione.

"That's just silly. Anyone can see that he's just being set up as a false villain to distract us from the real villain," proclaimed Luna.

"Like who?"

"Marmosets."

"Come again?" asked Hermione.

"That's what she said," giggled Luna.

"Sorry?"

"That's what he said."

"Would you stop doing that?"

"That's what you said," said Ron.

"Of course it's what I said," snapped Hermione. "Now shut up, the both of you. Harry, what evidence is there?"

"Snape's a lousy bugger who hates us all and has every reason to do other horrible things," said Harry with no hesitation whatsoever.

"I'll accept that."

"There's only one thing we can do-"

"Steal the stone first in a terribly heroic and dramatic manner," suggested Luna.

"That'll work, too, I guess."

"It'll be just the nine of us," whispered Luna. "Like in the Lord of the Rings."

"I think I can convince Blaise to come with us," said Harry.

"Ten, then."

"I told three more people," said Lavender, drawing groans from all others present.

"Plus three, then," said Harry through gritted teeth.

"Make sure none of the teachers find out. This one is all up to us," said Luna.

.

Several hours later, when everyone else was asleep, the thirteen gathered in the Gryffindor common room.

"Who are those three? Oh, bugger! Neville, Ernie, and Terry? What the hell is wrong with you, Lavender?" whispered Harry.

"Did someone say something to me?" asked Lavender.

"F***," whispered Ron.

"What now?"

"There are thirteen of us here. That's bad luck."

"Yeah. What do we do now?"

"Move over," whispered Hermione impatiently. "Petrificus Totalus!"

Neville turned to stone and nearly everyone clapped. Harry personally didn't feel it a good omen for an ally to so quickly be set upon by his buddies.

"We all ready to go?" he asked quietly.

"Yup," said Seamus, to a general nodding of heads.

They moved silently through the halls, somehow all fitting under the invisibility cloak. They reached the third floor corridor. After Hermione used a new unlocking spell to get past the newly-strengthened locking spell, they faced Fluffy. At its feet was a harp, which had been left behind by whoever had left the trapdoor shut behind them. Lavender got out her fiddle and played Fluffy to sleep. The companions went through the trapdoor one by one. Unfortunately, she couldn't go through the trapdoor while still playing, so she was left behind.

The eleven students found themselves tangled up in a great slimy plant. It had snatched hold of them moments after they fell through. The first one down, Hermione, was the only one to escape capture. She freed her friends with a hasty spree of Buenos Dias spells, shedding light on the plant (actually, it's a fungus), causing it to wither. Dean broke his leg and volunteered to stay and watch the entrance.

In the next room they found an animated skeleton, which Ernie fought sword to sword until they both fell into a trap pit to one side of the room. His companions pressed on. In this room was a flock of winged keys and three brooms. The most competent fliers, Harry, Seamus, and Justin, took to the air and caught the key different from the rest. Justin unlocked the door, but as the other were running through, the keys massed together and slammed into the door, leaving Justin on the wrong side.

In the next room was a door which could only be opened with the power of love. Luckily, Susan was carrying a class promotion item, and used it to become Magical Girl Susan, Saturn Ranger and opened the door with her heart rod. Following this was a door which prevented the entry of magical girls. Alas, poor Susan… you know the rest.

Harry, by this point had figured something out.

"One of us is defeated in each room. Since I'm the main character, I will be the last one standing. So, we can just rush through the rooms!"

Harry ran into the next room shouting, "I'm Harry F****** Potter, Motherf******!"

Inside this room was a dragon. It blasted a jet of fire at Harry, who rolled to avoid it. Terry was scorched in a comedic way and passed out with no permanent harm done, somehow. The six remaining fighters took on the dragon. Spells had no effect on it. In a desperation tactic, Luna ran up to the dragon and smashed her jar of imaginary creatures on its head. Strangely, both she and the dragon fell asleep. Harry decided to leave them behind and entered the next room.

Inside this room was a poker table with dogs sitting around it. Hermione and Ron, who had been bickering offscreen about who was better at poker, both sat down at the table and were dealt hands. In minutes, Ron, Hermione, and a daschund were the only players left. Ron, however made a mistake, and Hermione won thanks to beginner's luck. Ron found himself magically stuffed into a dog kennel.

Beyond the next door was a pretty sight. A red-skinned horned beauty in far too little clothing sat in the middle of the room. Blaise volunteered to distract her while his companions snuck past. Beyond the next door, three bottles sat on a little table with a piece of paper, on which was written:

Whosoever drinketh the least cannot pass.

Hermione, Seamus, and Harry sat down. Shortly, Hermione fainted into a drunken stupor. Harry and Seamus, too plastered to think of taking advantage of her, stumbled into the next room and dunked their heads in a water trough, which immediately sobered them. In this room there were onlt two other things: a platform, and a door high up in the air. Seamus used Wingardium Leviosa to lift Harry's platform up high along the wall to the door. With a last nod of thanks to his friend, Harry climbed through the door. Seamus let the platform drop and he gave a great yawn. Exhausted, he fell asleep.

In the final room facing Harry was something he did not expect. The mirror was there, but the person standing beside it was not Snape.

Next Time on HPMF:

Harry: What? Quirrell! You're the thief?

Quirrell: Of c-c-course I'm n-not. I w-was f-f-framed!

Harry: You're still here!

Quirrell: Oh, right. Shoot!