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Chapter 5: Home Again

Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry: the most wretched hive of cheaters and pranksters in the Scottish highland. It was the beginning of another year of magic and adventure, limited only by the pale dictator sitting at the teacher's table.

"Students, welcome!" shouted Snape.

The students in the Great Hall were chatting excitedly, completely ignoring Snape.

Snape sighed, then roared, "Sit down and shut up, you bunch of freaking annoying hormone bombs!"

You could have heard a rose petal touch the floor.

"To start off the year, we'll sort the new first years into their houses. McGonagall, take over."

The head of Gryffindor, Professor McGonagall was a stern but fair role model for the goody two-shoes of the school.

"When I call your name, sit on the stool and place the Sorting Hat on your head. It will tell you which house you are in" she said, gesturing toward the stool.

Whispering broke out. McGonagall turned and gasped in astonishment.

"Where is the Sorting Hat?" she cried in a very Scottish accent.

"Over here," said a very exasperated Sorting Hat.

It was perched atop Neville's head.

"Whatever are you doing there?"

"Sorry, Professor," mumbled Neville, "I must have grabbed the wrong hat in the cloakroom."

"Return it to the stool, mister Longbottom!"

As Neville hustle to the stool, McGonagall continued, "One of the many decisions that was made at the end of last year was that you would get your own hourglass to lose points from, as it hasn't been fair for the Gryffindors to lose so many points from your hi-jinks. 25 points from Neville."

Black negative points fell into Neville's hourglass.

"Let that be a lesson to- Oh, no!"

The Sorting Hat had begun to sing.

A thousand years or more ago,

When I was innocent,

I was chosen by these four mages,

To sort until I was spent:

Confident Gryffindor, a drunk old sod,

Stern Ravenclaw, a broom up her arse,

Cowardly Slytherin, who was armed to the teeth,

And the idiot badger guy, who made it a farce.

They all thought themselves cleverest,

And formed very mean plans,

To steal each others' secrets,

And became our school's dark origins.

Now each of these four plotters,

Made their students a house, unwisely,

As for tax purposes, one roof was best,

So a castle was built, with materials motley.

Dizzy Gryffindor, quite drunk,

Vomited into my depths mead;

Clever Ravenclaw, sparked desire,

Sadly, for my lack of eyes, to read;

Deadpan Slytherin, in his wisdom,

Entrusted me with skepticism;

The yellow founder, so sad,

Gave me any hope he'd ever had.

While alive, they picked their own,

Young minds theirs alone to hold,

Yet who would split the children up,

When their bodies in earth lay cold?

'Twas Gryffindor who did it,

Too drunk to keep his head,

Put a circuit board in me,

So I could choose in his stead!

Now slip me snug upon your noggin,

To complete the task to which I am beholden,

And with a quick peek into your mind,

Decide which path for you is best chosen.

The Great Hall shook with laughter at the bunny ears Professor Padfoot was holding over Snape's head. Snape spun in a flurry.

"Stop that!"

Professor Padfoot stuffed the bunny ears in his pocket and shrugged. Professor McGonagall began to read the names off, but no one was really paying attention to her.

"Anderson, Maki."

"I heard that this year there's going to be some event," whispered Alicia.

"Hopefully it's better than that one we had in our second year."

"Percy wouldn't shut up about knowing something we didn't," sniffed Ron. "Prat."

"Ravenclaw!"

"And those gits at Quality Quidditch supplies mentioned some sporting event," said Seamus. "Reckon that might have something to do with it."

"Delacour, Gabrielle."

"Potter sucks! Potter sucks! Potter sucks! Know why? Cause Potter sucks!"

"Happy start of terms, Malf***," murmured Harry in greeting.

After a few moments of furious muffled cursing between the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables, Hermione nailed them both with books. Snape turned to glare at them for a few moments before returning to watching the sorting, no doubt dreaming of how many new students he had to break now.

"Gryffindor!"

"All I'm saying is that the Hollyhead Harpies should shave more," Dean said to Ernie.

Dead silence rang in the hall. Dean did his best to imitate Neville, who was cowering some way down the table. McGonagall shook her head and resumed.

"Cute little cream puff in the tower this year," Fred whispered, looking down the table at Gabrielle.

"That's your new sister-in-law!" Hermione whispered furiously.

"Wonder if she likes lollipops."

"Hooligans," muttered Hermione, trying to erase what she had just heard from her brain.

"Gutierrez, Pedro."

"It's all a red herring," whispered Harry, "It's something to get us all excited. I bet it's some kind of lame sports competition or something."

"But what if it's not?" whispered Ron. "What if it's really big? What if it made one of us famous?"

"Bet you'd like that, ginger. Something to distract everyone from your record of being held back like forty years. Maybe then you could get a better house," Malfoy snickered.

"Hufflepuff!"

The sorting continued despite the small scuffle that broke out between the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables which was only solved with numerous jinxes being fired into the fray by an irate Snape. The sortie settled down awful fast and students with tentacle faces and rubbery limbs hunched low on their benches. A few had to be propped up in their seats because they couldn't move on their own. Neville was one such unfortunate student. A stray Petrificus Totalus had struck him during the confused combat.

The whispering continued throughout the proceedings at a much lower volume and no more fights occurred.

"Liddell, Alice."

The Hufflepuffs were just finished welcoming their newest student when they were surprised by a surprise. A body fell from the enchanted ceiling to land on the Hufflepuff table with a loud thud.

Thud!

"What is it?"

"Looks like a body."

"Maybe it was one."

The whispers died out as the figure lying on the table rose to its feet- Sorry, I mean foot. Indeed, the person on the table had only one foot. And a peg leg. And a zany eye that whizzed about in all sorts of directions.

"Ravenclaw!"

McGonagall turned her head to look better at the man. This helped her none because her glasses had no lenses.

Snape ran a hand through his greasy black hair. He glanced briefly skyward, then made his way to the Hufflepuff table. He took the man by the arm and helped him down from the table.

"Allow me to introduce Alastor Moody. He will be the head of security this year. I know that we have never needed one before, but the troubles we had last year have given us reason to believe that you need additional supervision. And could you use the door from now on, Mad-Eye?"

"Don't believe in 'em," muttered Moody.

"Continue," Snape ordered McGonagall.

Snape and Moody sat as McGonagall continued the sorting and students whispered about yet another thing.

It was about three minutes later that the sorting finished. As McGonagall carted the Sorting Hat off, Snape rose again.

"As is custom, a feast will precede bed-"

Cheers echoed up and down the hall. At Snape's glare, they faded into memory.

"But before that, I will take the time to introduce our teachers. I am Professor Snape, the mighty and omnipotent-"

"Impotent," corrected Fred, in a whisper, to his classmates.

"-Potions teacher. This is Professor McGonagall. She is the Transfiguration teacher. The nutty old man in the middle is our headmaster, Professor Dumbledore."

He continued on down the line until he reached two new faces.

"And here, last but not least, is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher-"

"Professor Lupin," Lupin said to the semi-conscious students.

"-Professor Lupin," growled Snape. He coughed, then turned to face the students, "Now, since our introductions have now come to an-"

"Eh-heh-hem."

"…And now, since our introductions have come to-"

"Eh-heh-hem!"

"And now since our introduct-" he said quickly.

"EH-HEH-HEM!"

"And our new head of human resources, Ugly Umbridge."

"I have a first name!" Umbridge pouted.

"And I don't care. Where's the firewhisky?"

The silver dishes running up the length of the table were suddenly filled with food. In the general ruckus that followed there was much merriment and stupidity. They ate until they were full, upon which all the food disappeared.

"D***," muttered Ron as the treacle tarts he'd stuffed under his shirt disappeared.

Snape rose once again and walked slowly and dramatically to the center of the podium.

"Before the night grows late and you lot head off to bed, there is one final announcement concerning a major event which will take place this year."

The whispers echoed once more through the hall. Snape waited until they had stilled before continuing.

"You may have noticed that we have a large number of foreign students with us this year. They, of course, already know what is about to take place. For that is why they have come. They are here to participate in the Triwizard Tournament!"

Outright yelling and screaming started up at this. Snape held up calming hands, but as the noise steadily increased, was forced to resort to more magical means of reacquiring control of the room. After Filch had put out the last of the fires, Snape continued his announcement.

"The contestants in this… contest… will face three challenges with great personal risk and virtually nonexistent fail-safes that most of you are by now used to. There are many rules and a lot of ceremony, but I want to go to bed, so I'll give you the short version. Students put their names into this," Snape gestured toward a giant wooden chalice filled with flames which had been roaring in one corner of the room inconspicuously since before they had entered, "The Goblet of Fire! (Like in the book. ;D) On Halloween, three names will come forth, one from three of the four houses, which, let's face it, will be Gryffindor, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw, because Dragongout hasn't ever really been involved in anything important."

Damagi Elegante raised his hand, "What about Hufflepuff, Professor Snape?"

Snape turned his head quizzically, "Hufflepuff? Is that a house?"

"Yes."

"I guess you learn something new every day. Anyhow, there will be three champions. Gryffindors, don't even bother. It's going to be Harry Potter. He's the title character. I could kill him right now and he'd still somehow manage to get into the bloody competition. The one who wins will get a lovely trophy. I wish we had it here to show you, but we are still washing off the graffiti from the last person to win it. Good luck. I'm kidding. I hope you all get drawn."

"Why?" asked a number of students.

"I did mention this competition was deadly, didn't I?"

Many a gulp could be heard in the hall. Snape turned and moved to sit back down.

"Wasn't that a little cruel?" asked Moody.

"What the hell happened to your face?" was the reply.

Next Time on HPMF:

Harry: Well, I wonder who else is going to be in the tournament with me.

Draco: I'm the obvious choice for Slytherin.

Luna: How could I lose?

Draco: Easily.

Squeaks: Hufflepuff pride!

Harry: Are you saying that ironically or seriously? I honestly can't tell.