The Magnificent Farce Drinking Game: Every time you see a reference to something that was in the original Harry Potter series, take a sip. I recommend that you only read two chapters a day if you play this game for the whole piece.

I do not own a whale, a ferret, or a snake.

Chapter 6: The Drawing of the Four

The wizard ran to class and the thestrals followed. Neville slammed the door shut and slumped to the floor. Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"Malfoy soaked my robes in thestral pheromone."

Professor McGonagall gave him a level look and pointed at his seat, which he then took.

"Now, let us return our attention to the blackboard. If you follow the diagram, you can clearly see that the Animagus spell is extremely dangerous."

"How dangerous?" asked Ron.

"50% of attempts end in death."

Ron paled.

"So I recommend that none of you even think about it."

"Why are we learning about this?" asked Ernie. "It sounds too dangerous to be taught in school."

"That's right. I won't be teaching you about it. I'll be teaching you about basic human Transfiguration safety, because at least one of you lot will try it at some point before you're ready. What I teach you here will help keep you from dying until somebody finds you."

"Why would anyone ever want to try it? It sounds so scary," said Lavender.

"Some witches and wizards find it fun to fly as a bird or swim like a fish. Mind you, being human won't stop predators from eating you. Also, being proficient in human Transfiguration is one of the skills Aurors must be proficient in. They wouldn't be able to sneak up on a dark wizard very well if they couldn't change their appearance, hmm? And what to do with them after they have been caught, kill them?"

"I certainly hope not," said Neville, staring at her with tremendous eyes.

"Of course not. That would make us no better than them. Instead, we turn them into ferrets. They can't use magic and Muggles get to keep them as pets; it's the perfect solution."

Ron laughed.

"What's so funny, Weasley?" barked McGonagall in her Scottish accent. "This is no laughing matter."

"Sorry. I was just imagining Malfoy as a ferret."

Harry and the other students rumbled with laughter along with him.

"I could see that," choked Seamus.

"Come now, let's be nice," said Hermione.

"Nice? Whose side are you on?" asked Ron.

"The side of kindness and compassion."

"I was speaking recently!"

"Rhetorically?" asked Hermione.

"Oh, so that's how it is?"

"What's how what is?"

"Don't get uppity with me!"

"I'm being uppity?"

"I've had it with you! You always make me look stupid! Well I can't take it anymore!"

Professor McGonagall appeared a bit confused but realized that getting involved might not be the best idea at the moment.

"Ron! I don't know what you're so upset about! Tell me!"

"Don't play dumb! Apologize!"

"Apologize for what? You being a freckled git?"

"Low blow, buck teeth."

"My teeth are none of your business, ginger."

"Ginger? Ginger! I'm ought to shove my slippered foot up your arse!"

"Well, what's stopping you beanpole?"

"You're the one who's all skin and bones. There's more breast on a chicken!"

Hermione was crying now.

"If you're so superior, why do you pick on little girls and someone who's not even in the room?"

"That's it! Goodbye! If you want to apologize, you can just eat it! I'm going back to the dorms."

Ron stormed out of the classroom, leaving silence in his wake.

(In case you're wondering, the fight will not last too long before they're friendly again. How I wish I didn't have to tell you this.)

"Well, as I was saying… What was I saying?" asked Professor McGonagall. "I suppose I could just start over-"

At that moment, the bell rang, signaling the end of class.

"Oh, my goodness! Could everyone please read pages 67 through 83 in their textbooks? Have a nice day. No, stay here Miss Granger, I would like to speak with you in private for a moment."

Harry waited for Hermione outside the classroom; the Gryffindors had their morning break next. When she emerged from the classroom Hermione looked far less upset. She appeared to be deep in thought.

"You appear deep in thought."

I wish he wouldn't do that.

"What? Oh, hello, Harry. Yes, I suppose I am."

"Would you mind sharing your thoughts?"

"I suppose so. Professor McGonagall wanted to ask me about a riddle."

"A riddle?"

"They haven't caught Carmen yet."

"I see. So you're still their first call for solving her puzzles?"

"Something like that. Lupin and Agent PG had already solved it, but I came to the same conclusion."

"Lupin figured it out? He must be pretty clever."

"He is! He is one of the greatest detectives in the world."

"I bet that class is going to be fun."

"We'll find out soon, at any rate. The first session of it is this afternoon."

There was a bang. They spun around just in time to see Mad-Eye Moody climb in through the now-permanently-open window.

"I could've killed you just like that! Easy as Ms. Brown! You need to maintain constant vigilance! Otherwise a dark wizard could be using your corpse as a beanbag chair! Constant vigilance!"

Moody stumped off and Harry and Hermione took a moment to look over the martyred window before continuing on their way to the library. Dean greeted them at the entrance.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Just hanging, brother."

"Cool. I just saw the best movie ever. Have either of you ever seen Star Wars?"

Harry and Hermione grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

"The best part is where they're in the X-Wings at the end, about to blow up the Death Star," said Harry.

"No, the best part is where Luke fights Darth Vader on Bespin," said Hermione.

"You like Empire more than New Hope?"

"It's got better storytelling, plus the 'Luke, I am your father' scene in it."

"Yeah, but the pacing sucks! It's like going to the bathroom to take a piss and then having to wait in line."

"But there are decorative soaps after the wait!" cried Hermione.

"Well, okay; you've got me there."

"Uh, guys?" said Dean, "I was talking about Phantom Menace."

Harry and Hermione gaped at him, their faces a mixture of disbelief and revulsion.

"Ph-Ph-Phantom Menace?" stuttered Harry.

"Yeah, Professor Querrill," Dean said, crossing his arms.

"That's the worst one!"

"What makes your opinion mean more than mine?" Dean asked indignantly.

"It's not opinion," said Hermione in a shrill voice, "It's proven fact!"

"Prove it."

"Phantom Menace brought us- Da da da da- Jar Jar Binks!" said Harry."

"And let's not forget that waste of time otherwise known as Coruscant! That was ten f***ing minutes of saying that they weren't going to get help! Couldn't they have just had a scene where they opened a hologram and after summing up what's going on- because the audience doesn't know- been told that there wasn't any way they could get help?"

"You just brought up another one. The whole f***ing plot. What the f*** was it about anyway?"

"I don't know. And the writing was really bad."

"It certainly didn't help that the acting was so wooden."

"Are you just about finished?" asked Dean.

"Yeah, I'm done."

"Me too."

"Alright then. So what I wanted to say was-"

"One more!" squeaked Hermione. "There was a kid in the movie!"

"Who saved the day! What the f*** was that about anyway?" muttered Harry.

"Done? Luna wants to talk to you, Hermione. And I ain't never talking to either of you about Star Wars ever again."

Harry and Hermione entered the library and went to the section for books about antique wigs, which is where Luna hid herself whenever she didn't want to be found.

"Hello, Luna!" said Hermione. "Oughtn't you be in class?"

"Hello, Hermione, Harry. No, Professor Lovecraft gave the class the day off because he had to catch the bits of sanity which had gotten loose in his office."

"That sounds chaotic."

"Oh, yes, it was. There was blood everywhere and reality was falling apart."

"Filch is going to have fun cleaning that up," commented Harry.

"What did you want to talk to us about?" asked Hermione.

"Actually, I just wanted to talk to you, Hermione. Harry, would you mind going somewhere else for a while?"
"Fine. I'll see you girls later, then."

"Bye, Harry!" they said and waved until he had passed out of sight.

Hermione checked the adjacent rows before turning to Luna.

"Luna, what's happened?"

"It's about the Goblet of Fire."

"Do you think someone's going to cheat to get into it?"

"No, it's not that. I'm- I'm afraid that I might be chosen!"

Hermione set a steadying hand on Luna's shoulder and tried to calm her down.

"Luna. Luna. Don't worry. Do you remember when the hat told you what house you were going to?"

"Yes, of course I do," wept Luna. "It told me I was in Ravenclaw."

"Yes, but didn't you want to go into Ravenclaw? When I put on the Sorting Hat, I asked it to put me in Gryffindor. That's why I'm in my house. I'm sure that if you don't want to be picked, you won't."

Luna sniffled a bit, then said in a tiny voice, "But I didn't want to go into Ravenclaw. The Hat said it was where I was meant to go!"

Hermione continued to pat Luna's shoulder in a stall for time.

"The Goblet of Fire chooses the three best students from the three best houses to be champions, right?"

"Right," Luna sniffled.

"There are plenty of great Ravenclaws besides you. You don't have to worry; one of them will be chosen."

"But I can't know that! Besides, I'm not important to the plot! Harry may be safe, but if I get chosen, I'll die because I'm his friend! It would make the most sense from a dramatic standpoint! The only other people it could be are you, Seamus, Dean, Ron, or Draco! So either me or Harry's rival is going to die and there will still be three books left!"

Hermione didn't know what to say to console Luna, but stayed by her side, even after the bell rang for the next class to begin.

Meanwhile…

Harry didn't have any work to do during morning break, so he decided to go visit Hagrid. Hagrid was stinking drunk when Harry knocked on his door, but let him in all the same.

"How're your classes treating you, Harry? Nothing too difficult, I hope."

"Not yet. Actually, the teachers have been too busy to assign us much of anything, what with all the preparations for the upcoming tournament. Do you have your next lesson planned out?"

"My next lesson? No, sir! The whole next semester! It's a bit of a class project, see? I'll show you in a bit, but first things first. Tea?"

"Yes, please."

"Yeah, that tournament is eating up a lot of my time," said Hagrid as he poured the tea. "In fact, we've had to bring in a whole lot of outside help to make it work. Last time we had a lot more teachers immediately before the tournament."

"And afterward?"

"The reason we have a lot less. As a matter of fact, I saw Charlie Weasley just the other day. You know his family, don't you?"

"Yeah, I'm friends with the twins."

"Trouble, those two are. Always setting my outhouse on fire. Charlie wasn't nearly so mischievous, but he did get into a bit of trouble every now and then. Did you ever hear about his apparition test?"

"Never."

"Then I'll tell you. It's a good story."

The Story of Charlie Weasley's Apparition Test

It was on a sunny spring day that the apparition test finally arrived. Charlie was a little nervous, but no more than could be expected. After all, it isn't everyday that a young man learns to teleport himself through time and space.

Charlie had a lot to live up to. Bill had already passed the test and Charlie had five younger siblings to be a good example for. Mrs. Weasley had taken him aside early today to tell him that his birthday presents hung in the balance. If that phrase meant doom to most children, then for a Weasley it means far worse.

The apparition test would be presided over by a somewhat silly old wizard named Dedalus Diggle. The man was more than a bit mad, but his experience with apparition was, apparently, unrivaled.

"Good morning! I hope you're ready. I've failed more students than there are in your school! This is not a subject for the faint-hearted. Indeed, many a witch or wizard lives without ever apparating properly."

"Uh, sure."

Charlie had been nervous. Now he was terrified.

"Just let me warn you, apparition is serious business. If you foul it up, you can lose limbs."

Charlie had been terrified before. Now he was s***ting bricks.

"One time, I had a student who apparated inside a man's behind. We never were able to separate them…"

Charlie had been s***ting bricks before. Now he was catatonic.

"Are you ready, then?"

To be frank, Charlie felt like going for a jaunty walk to erase what had just gone through his mind.

"Okay."

In a cold sweat, Charlie stood in the ready position and grip his wand tightly.

"On the count of three."

Charlie felt a knot clench in his stomach.

"One. Two."

His vision was beginning to cloud. He wouldn't succeed like this.

"Envision it in your mind."

Unfortunately, he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Dedalus apparently had some difficulty counting to three, as it was taking him some time. Maybe they should teach arithmetic at Hogwarts.

"Three."

Charlie's body travelled into the split, propelling its way between the bands of reality, constricting about him and slipping away. With a sudden pop, he apparated.

In the girl's bathroom. All-in-all, not a bad way to fail a test.

Later, Dedalus visited Charlie in the hospital wing where he was recuperating from the numerous jinxes which had left him in a state akin to that of spoiled tuna casserole.

"I'm sorry that you failed the test, but I'm afraid that 3500 kilometers off-target is outside the reasonable margin of error. Still, good luck next year."