I do not own Main Street, 2nd Street, or 42nd Street. I do own 27th SW Street.

Chapter 7: Pilot

Camera opens on a view of the common room. A fire is crackling merrily in the grate and wind gently rattles the windows. Entrance: Harry Potter, Seamus Finnigan.

"I'm just saying, if we only had to practice three or four evenings, I might be able to get some of my homework—" said Harry.

Executive Producer- Angel Dragoon

"Ouch!"

"What's wrong?" asked Seamus.

"This thing is on my foot!"

"What's an executive producer?"

"Whatever it is, I want to kill it!"

Written by Arcturus Maple

"Who's Arcturus Maple?"

"Probably some assh***."

I take offense at that.

"A pompous, pretentious one at that."

Based on the popular book series by J.K. Rowling

"I met her once," commented Seamus.

"What was she like?"

"She was a really nice lady. You know how a lot of stars are jerks?"

"Yeah."

"She bought me coffee and signed my autograph book."

"That is pretty nice."

Made available by Fanfictionnet

"I've had just about enough of this."

"Reading backwards is giving me a bit of a headache," confessed Seamus.

"Yeah, and my leg's fallen asleep."

"That is rather problematic."

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well?"

Entrance: Ronald Weasley

*Laughter*

"What the f***?"

"I was swimming and a giant sea lamprey got latched onto my head. Hermione said she'd help me get it off later."

"Not that," said Harry, holding up a hand to stall him, "Where is that noise coming from?"

"Whoever smelt it dealt it."

*Laughter*

"Ssh! There it is again! It sounds like… laughing!"

"Okay, but where's it coming from?" asked Seamus, lifting a seat cushion and peeking beneath it.

"Echoing from the darkness like something that echoes from the darkness," said Luna.

Entrance: Luna Lovegood

*Applause*

"There it is again! Only now it sounds like cheering and clapping!" shouted Seamus as he cowered behind the sofa.

"What should we do?" asked Ron.

"Nothing until Hermione shows up. She'll probably know what's going on," said Harry.

"So you've entirely discounted asking me? I'm a Ravenclaw, after all."

"You have an idea of what's going on?" asked Seamus.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Well, you just said we should ask you. So what do you know?"

"I never said I knew what was happening, but I suspect that we are trapped in a reality show."

The boys all look around at each other before turning to face Luna.

"Nonsense!" they shouted as a chorus.

Entrance: Hermione Granger

"Hello!"

Everyone looks around and stays completely silent.

"What are you all doing?" Hermione finally asked.

"We're listening."

"To me?" Hermione squeed.

"In your dreams, alpha nerd," said Ron.

"We're listening for cheering, clapping, and laughing," explained Seamus.

"Have you heard any yet?"

"Not since you got here," Ron said bluntly.

"They seem to echo from the darkness like something that echoes from the darkness."

"Haven't you thought of a better analogy yet, Luna?" asked Seamus.

"I like it; it's got character."

"Thank you, Harry."

Aww…

"Whoa! Did you guys here that?" whispered Ron.

"Sure did."

"I don't know about the rest of you, but it's creeping me out," said Seamus. "I think I might just- you know-"

Exit: Seamus Finnigan

"Well, Seamus has chickened out on us, anyone else want to take the wimp train out of here?" asked Ron.

No one answered.

"Then I'll just take her out of the station," said Ron and jogged after Seamus.

Exit: Ronald Weasley

"Does anyone else think Ron runs like a ninny?" asked Harry when he had gone.

There were murmurs of assent and smiles which quickly went blank.

Luna finally broke the silence, "Shouldn't there have been a scene transition by now or some-"

Hogwarts coat of arms sweep.

Harry, Luna, Dean and Ernie are seated in the Great Hall, eating lunch while listening to Ernie's magical radio.

"Hey, Ernie, could you clear something up for me?" asked Harry.

"Maybe. What is it?"

"Did muggles invent all their technology first and wizards copied them to make magic versions or did wizards make them first or did they just make lots of similar things independently or is it something else entirely?"

"I really don't know."

"I do! I do!" cheered Luna.

"You do?" asked both Harry and Ernie, genuine surprise on their faces.

"Of course I do! The muggle and wizarding worlds may use a different medium for their technology, but you can do anything with one that can be done with the other. Naturally, some things are easier to do in one than the other. Wizards use a simple spell to make a photograph move. Muggles would need to use a lot of resources to make them properly. On the other hand, Wizards have a difficult time making handheld communication devices. The last company to try, Shatly and Snivel Incorporated, made mirrors which worked kind of like two-way radios. They were really expensive though and never made it into industrialized product and of the 713 sets made, only 67 are known to have survived the third Great War."

"That's great, thanks, but I didn't mean read us a book," said Harry.

"I'm sorry, sometimes it just all slips out."

"I'm sorry I criticized you like that for being yourself."

"I'm sorry for making you do all this apologizing."

"If you two are about done strengthening that silly stereotype people have about the English being polite, could we talk about something interesting?" said Ernie stiffly.

"What did you have in mind?" asked Harry.

"Oh, I don't know… how about the drawing from the Goblet tonight?"

"That sounds boring."

"Let's talk about the Quidditch finals," suggested Dean.

"Sounds good."

"If that's where this is going, I'll just leave," said Ernie, "I can't stand how it ended. Just thinking about it…"

Ernie shuddered.

"Okay the, we can talk about the drawing. Actually, there's something I'd like to discuss about it with Harry," said Luna and Ernie sat down.

"What?" asked Harry.

Harry peeled an orange with his wand and levitated the peelings onto Neville's head.

"I'm concerned."

"For me?" asked Harry.

"Of course not; you aren't going to die."

"Oh, yeah. But that doesn't mean I can't lose an arm or something."

With a flick of the wand, a pair of kiwis had flown up Neville's nose.

"True. But the other candidates- who can say that they'll all survive with certainty?"

"I think you mean, 'who can say with certainty that they'll all survive?'."

"What if I get chosen?"

Harry opened his mouth then shut it. He sat and thought about it as Neville very noisily extracted a kiwi from his nose by sneezing really hard.

"Then we'll all help you," said Ernie, nodding.

"Yes. We'll all help you," agreed Harry.

"I- I don't know what to say," uttered Luna.

At that exact moment, Ron plunked a bottle of firewhisky down on the table and belched loudly enough for the kiwi up Neville's nose to explode.

"Excuse you," said Harry pointedly.

"Did I bump you?"

"No."

"Oh. Good."

"Ron, is that your-"

"Bathrobe?"

"Turtle."

"Where?"

"In your sandwich," supplemented Luna.

"I'll be d***ed," muttered Ron as he pried the sandwich open.

"I almost ate you, Pig- Pidge- Piggy…?"

"Mayo," said Harry, exasperated.

"Like the drink," nodded Ron.

"Condiment," corrected Harry.

"And you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, wait- she's dead."

Harry cries.

Aww…

"Shut up, voices! I don't need your sympathy!"

*Laughter*

"Don't worry Harry. I think that weird disembodied laughter is trying to cheer you up," whispered Luna.

"No, it's not! It's just a bully!"

"Oh, for the love of Pleinair! Grow up, Harry! Are you a wizard or aren't you?"

"That was mean."

"I'm sorry, it was."

"Not again! What are you two doing?" moaned Ernie.

"Being polite. Since when do you care?" asked Harry.

Entrance: Crabbe Jr.

"What do you want?" asked Harry and drew his wand.

Crabbe silently extended an envelope. Harry took the envelope from him and flipped a letter out onto the table. Ernie read it aloud, "You are hereby formally invited to a trap."

Harry rolled his eyes.

Ernie continued, "Mr. Malfoy will be hosting a trap for Mr. Potter in music room number three at 6:00 PM this evening. Signed, Draco Malfoy, ie es queue. What the hell does that mean?"

"I think it's short for 'esquire,'" said Dean.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Luna.

Harry thought about it for a few seconds, then said, "It would be rude not to attend, but the drawing is this evening. We're supposed to be there. I know that I'm going to be drawn anyway, so I have no choice."

Crabbe raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, but could you tell Malfoy that I won't be able to come? I'll try to make it to the next one, though."

Crabbe nodded and stumped off.

Exit: Crabbe Jr.

"Do you think I did the right thing there?"

"You didn't really have a choice, mate. You have to be at your own drawing."

"I suppose so. I shall have to make it up to him somehow… I know! I'll host a trap for him!"

"Excellent idea, Harry!" cried Ernie. "Best wait a bit though; no point in seeming arrogant."

Vertical sweep

Enchanting BGM plays

It was a splendid day and everyone had lots of fun, except for Neville. But at last the time for the drawing of three had come. The students were all gathered in the Great Hall. Even Malfoy had forsaken his own trap to come.

"So, who do you think it'll be for Slytherin?" asked Seamus.

"It's got to be Blaise," speculated Dean.

"What about Malfoy, though? He's a major player, the rival even."

"I hate that Trogdorian nitwit."

"It could be one of the exchange students," said Pavarti. "I heard that one of them is some kind of Quidditch legend."

"I'd heard that, too," said Angelina. "Wasn't his name Steve Jefferson?"

"Yeah, the American idiot."

"Will you guys be quiet? I'm trying to find Wally," groaned Neville as he squinted at his book.

Professor Snape moved to the podium before the head table and stood behind the lectern.

"Quiet down, you bunch of cackling wankers."

The teachers all turned to stare at Snape.

Hagrid broke the silence, "I thought that was a cuss."

"Apparently it's fair game."

Cheering flooded the hall and didn't subside until Snape had given the assembled students a stern berating. After Madam Zabini had levitated the last body up to the hospital wing, Snape continued with his speech.

"Sit down and shut up. We're here for fun. This is the night you've all been waiting for. That's right, tonight Harry Potter and two other students will be drawn from the Goblet of Fire. That would be a wonderful name for a book. Give me a minute to write that down."

As Snape scribbled down "The Goblet of Fire" on a piece of parchment, Harry leaned over toward Luna, who was seated behind him.

"If you do get drawn, don't worry. You're really smart, you're practically immortal, and you've got a bunch of really great friends. There's no way anything bad could happen to you."

Luna drew him into a tight embrace as Snape read aloud the first name to be drawn from the Goblet.

"Harry Potter," the whole school turned to look at him. Snape continued, "What's this? Public shows of affection? Not on my watch," and split them up, dropping Harry on a stool at the front.

"Next bit of parchment."

Nothing happened.

"Any time now."

Nothing continued to happen.

"Do you fear death?" he threatened the drinking vessel of fire.

*Laughter*

"What the hell was that noise and where is it coming from?"

"We're not sure!" shouted Seamus. "We suspect that we're at present the subject of a sitcom!"

"Sit-what?"

"A sitcom! Situational comedy! Like on TV!"

"What the hell is TV?"

"A muggle device much like our zoomboxes."

"I remember those!" cried Professor McGonagall. "We had one when I was a wee lass."

"What happened to it?" asked Hagrid.

"Dilithium crystals in it cracked."

"What a shame," muttered Snape.

A slip of parchment shot out of the Goblet and floated down to Snape.

"Draco Malfoy!"

Marcus Flint clobbered Malfoy. Apparently, he had thought himself the most likely to be drawn. Snape directed the staggering Malfoy to the stool beside Harry's.

Malfoy gleered, which is a combination of 'glared' and 'sneered,' and said, "This time you'll see the true power of Slytherin."

*Oooooh*

"I've had enough of this," muttered Snape and fired several blasts of fire at the camera, director, and audience, creating a visual effect which is pointless aside from providing an excuse to put the show in 3D.

Another bit of parchment took to the air majestically like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.

Snape caught it deftly, "Cho Chang."

Cheers arose from Ravenclaw as everyone tried to hug her. Luna fainted from relief and Violet nearly didn't catch her, resulting only in a little bonk of the head on the cobblestones.

"Well, now we have our three sacrifices- I mean champions. No wait, I really do mean sacrifices. Cheer for them."

The hall rang with cheers. These died away immediately as the Goblet sent up a fourth piece of paper.

"It's not possible," murmured Snape as the paper slip landed in his outstretched hand. He unfolded it and read aloud, "Cedric Diggory."

The hall broke into shouting, chaos, and muggings.

"Enough!" shouted Dumbledore.

Everyone, including Snape, turned to stare.

"Such a thing has never happened before. But we should be tolerant, because did not the Goblet make a change when it selected only three champions for the first time? I suggest we let him compete. If we don't, he'll die anyway, so what could be the harm?"

"Headmaster, we can't have two people competing in the same house. It's not fair. Unless he is from Slytherin."

"Pardon, Professor Snape, but I'm in a different house."

"A different house? You certainly don't have the same look in your eye as a Dragongout."

"That's because I'm in Hufflepuff."

"Rubbish."

"It's been called that before."

"We can't have people making up houses to compete for."

"I didn't make it up. There's six hundred of us in here."

"Six hundred?"

"We're at that table, over there."

"Boil me like a munchkin, I've never noticed that there before."

"Well it's been there for a while. I wish someone would tell the House Elves. We've had to make due with floor scraps since before I came here."

"What year are you in?"

"My eighteenth."

"I mean at this school."

"My eighteenth. I've not been allowed to graduate since none of the teachers remembered that Hufflepuff is a house."

"Sad. Now could you sit down and shut up, whatever-your-name-is? I want to eat tonight."

He turned to face the hall, "I present to you, your four Triwizard Champions!"

Cheers filled the hall, mingled with the half-cheering half-moaning of the studio audience.

Next time on HPMF:

Harry: This is absurd.

Draco: Absurd? The challenge or the scale of it?

Harry: Was that a pun?

Draco: Sure was. How did you like it?

Harry: It wasn't funny. Stop trying.