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Chapter 6

"Do you think we'd still be together if things had turned out differently?"

"What do you mean?"

"If Felipe had agreed to dismiss the marriage contract for you, if you hadn't had to marry Freyda, do you think you and I would have made it?"

Sitting up, Eric considered Sookie lying beside him. It had been two months since they'd first started whatever this was. They didn't see each other every night, but at the very least they talked on the phone. The rapport they'd built since that first night was everything Eric could want. They spoke, and freely. They did not shy away from any topic. Even the painful ones were tackled head on until they each came to understand the other's view and together they were able to move past it. It had made for some painful moments during their "dates" over the last two months, but more importantly it allowed them to move forward.

While he and Sookie did not engage in anything sexual, they had become intimate in so many other ways. There were many nights when Sookie would lie on the couch with him, just resting against his chest as he stroked his fingers through her hair while they talked. There were many nights where he lay with his head on her lap while she did the same. Their time together may not be sexual, but Eric was glad that they had progressed to the point where they both felt comfortable with taking comfort in each other's touch.

The first time he'd tried to hold Sookie's hand, she had withdrawn from him. She'd insisted that they needed to maintain boundaries while her husband was gone. He'd agreed to respect her boundaries, but had insisted that even friends offered physical comfort to one another. It hadn't been easy, but slowly he'd gentled Sookie to his touch, and now it was second nature for them to cuddle together, hug as soon as they saw each other, or hold hands. Eric was even humble enough to admit it was the only thing keeping him going. He had touched no other woman since Sookie had come to his court over two months ago. He'd been celibate, and promised her that he was hers until she decided what she would do. If she picked him? She would be his one and only for the rest of their days. He refused to contemplate what he would do if she chose Marcus instead. He simply couldn't let that happen.

They rarely left his apartment because Sookie did not want any pictures of them in the paper to upset her children, but tonight he'd taken Sookie to an abandoned field for a picnic so they could star gaze. He'd flown them and there wasn't a road for miles so he knew no one would be taking any pictures. Now, staring down at her lying on the picnic blanket beside him, he decided how best to answer her.

It was actually a question he'd asked himself many times over the years, and while his heart hoped they would have been strong enough to love their way through their differences, the pragmatist in him knew that was unlikely. The cold hard truth of the matter is that he and Sookie had been to different back then, too unwilling to change or yield for them to make it. While he did not relish having spent the last 200 years away from her, he knew that it was that time apart that had allowed them to grow into the people they were. She was more understanding, more tolerant, and definitely more aware of the harsh realities of the world around her. While Sookie had carved out a living for herself that left her and her family in relative peace, she had also hardened enough that she would never again hesitate to strike any enemy down if they threatened her.

And he had grown in many ways as well. Namely the strength of his heart. Before he'd always viewed tender and loving emotions as something to control, something to suppress as often as possible. Back then he'd believed loving made one weak, but now he knew the truth. Love made a person strong. Before he'd tried to hide his love, hide his affection for Sookie in order to keep her safe. He knew better now. He would love her openly, freely and without holding back. He would no longer move in the shadows to protect her, but instead make it apparent to any and all that he would sacrifice everything to keep her happy and healthy. And most importantly he'd make it known the world over that he would lay waste to any that attempted to harm her.

Yes, they'd both grown, and because they now held nothing back in their discussions, Eric said, "It hurts me to say it, but I very much doubt we would have made it back then."

"Yeah, I think you're right. We loved each other, it's just …"

"We were both too set in our ways at the time to bridge the gaps between us."

Sookie sat up on the blanket and lamented, "I know, but I still wish it had ended differently."

"As do I, but it is in the past, and I am determined to look to the future."

Sookie was quiet for a moment before she said, "I want to ask you a question, and I need you to answer honestly."

"Sookie, I have sworn to never lie or withhold things from you again. If you have a question I will answer it, even if the answer will not please you."

"If the queen had sent you would you have seduced me as Bill had?"

Eric actually flinched. This was a question he'd always hoped Sookie would never ask him. Even back when they were still together before the Oklahoma debacle he'd hoped she'd either never think to ask him, or have the courage to ask him, because it was a question he never would have lied to her about it. Even back then.

Reaching out to take Sookie in his arms and pull her into his lap, Eric answered, "Yes, Sookie, I would have."

When she began to struggle in his arms he begged, "Please, Sookie! Please hear me out!"

"Let me go!"

"Sookie, you promised you would not run from our talks. You promised we would communicate, and I very much wish to communicate with you now. Once you hear everything I have to say if you wish to go home I will take you back to your car, but first you must hear me out."

Sookie finally went still in Eric's arms, but remained rigid as she grumbled, "Start talking."

Eric knew he could hold nothing back, and explained, "Sookie, you know how I am. I do not believe in unnecessary cruelty to humans, but that does not mean I think highly of them individually. I have spent too long a part of my world's politics. I am a survivor and pragmatist, and am willing to make sacrifices or cross lines if it means keeping me and mine alive. Therefore, if the queen had ordered me to seduce a telepathic girl in her territory and deliver her to court I would have done so. I do not agree with what she did, and I would have suggested other courses of action if she had made me privy to her plans, but ultimately if she asked me instead of Compton I would have weighed the discomfort I had with doing such a thing to an innocent against my safety and prosperity. You know now what would have happened to me if I would have disobeyed a direct order from Sophie-Ann, and throwing my life away for a girl I'd never met was not something I would have done then or now."

It was an ugly truth. A cold, ugly truth, but Sookie couldn't exactly fault Eric for it. She knew he was the type of man, type of king that would not come up with such a plan on his own. No, if he had been king back then he would have simply approached her with a business deal, much as he had once she'd gone to Fangtasia and revealed what she could do. Eric was not the type of man or vampire to prey on the weaknesses of the innocent. He would exploit each and every one his enemies had, but regular people had nothing to fear from him. But he was also the type of man that kept the big picture in mind. Back when he was a sheriff he might not have liked the plan the Queen had come up with, but if he'd been ordered to carry it out he would have to prevent being executed. And she couldn't exactly have faulted him for that.

When Sookie said nothing to his explanation, Eric declared, "There is one major difference in what Bill did and what I would have done in the situation."

"And what is that?"

"Once I realized just how magnificent you are I would have let you know the Queen sent me, and hopefully you would have allowed me to help you negotiate with her."

"Are you certain about that?"

"Yes. Bill did his best to keep you from finding out he'd been sent because he did not want to lose you, but I never would have built a real relationship with you based on such deceit. If I was sent to seduce you to ascertain whether or not you could read minds I would have done so, but once I fell in love with you the threat Sophie-Anne posed to me would not have kept me from telling you the danger you were in. Just as I defied Andre in that hotel stairway, and just as I defied Castro by marrying you, I would have defied Sophie-Ann and told you the truth. Even if it meant you would never be mine again."

Sookie was silent as she considered Eric carefully. She could tell he was telling the truth, but she wasn't certain it was enough. To hear him admit he would have seduced her just as Bill had hurt. But at the same time she was better able to understand the position he would have been if it the Queen had sent him. Just as she better understood the situation Bill had been in. In her many years she had learned there were definitely grey areas when it came to life and honor. She wished it wasn't so, but she couldn't control the world. She finally decided it didn't matter. Eric hadn't been sent, and even if he had, as he said, he would have told her the second he realized he cared for her. Something Bill had never done, and thus she'd never forgiven him.

When Sookie said nothing, Eric asked, "Do you want me to take you back?"

"No."

"No?"

"No." Pushing Eric's shoulder so that he'd lie back on the picnic table, Sookie cuddled up against his chest and said, "I don't want to go back. I'm not happy you would have come to seduce me, but I'm not a naïve human anymore, Eric, I realize what would have happened to you if you outright refused. And I know once we met you would have told me the truth and done your best to help me, just as you always have, and because of that it doesn't matter to me. You're not Bill. You may not be a pillar of virtue and mercy, but you are a good man. And considering you've lived in the supe world for over 1200 years that says a lot."

"So we're good?"

"We're good."

Eric felt the tension that had built in his body relax, but he didn't let it last for long. Since Sookie had asked him such a devastating question tonight, he felt it only right he be allowed to do the same.

"Sookie, I wish to speak to you about your marriages."

It was Sookie's turn to tense up, and she immediately denied, "I don't want to get into that with you right now, Eric. Let's swap stories and enjoy the rest of our night."

"No, Sookie, this is important. I don't want us to leave these conversations to the last minute."

"Eric, I don't—"

"We promised no running, Sookie, are you going back on it?"

"Eric, I'm not running from it. I know this is something we need to talk about, but I'm not ready to tonight."

"Sookie, please."

She didn't want to talk about this tonight. She didn't want to get into why she'd married Sam and Marcus, and she certainly didn't want to discuss the details of her marriages with Eric. But she couldn't bring herself to say no now. The desperate look on his face, and his practically begging her had her agreeing, "Ok. Let's talk."

Eric was glad she'd stayed in his arms, glad she wasn't pulling away from him, especially with the topic of their conversation. It was a good omen, but he knew he and Sookie still had miles to go before thing would be right between them.

Tightening his hold on Sookie, Eric asked, "I'm pretty sure I know why you did it, but I need to hear from you. Why did you marry Sam?"

"Because I couldn't stand to be alone anymore."

Sookie took a deep breath and explained, "Eric, when you left it broke something inside of me. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and for months afterwards I just wandered around in a daze. And when I wasn't numb my emotions were so erratic. One second I would be so depressed I actually wished I'd died in the fairy war, and then the next second I would be so angry I wanted to drive to Oklahoma and burn Freyda's house down with the two of you in it. I hated you so much sometimes."

It hurt him to hear her say that, but he could understand the sentiment. When she'd married Marcus, making it clear she had no intention to wait for his marriage to Freyda to end, he'd had similar moments. There were times after he learned of her second marriage that he wanted to fly to Bon Temps and do the very same thing. He'd hated her marrying Sam, but he'd understood it because he thought she'd been trying to make sure she didn't spend her human life alone. But afterwards when it was revealed she was immortal and he'd heard she'd married again? He'd been furious! It was like she'd spat in the face of their love, but even then he knew he'd had no right to feel that way. He couldn't fault Sookie for doing her best to be happy when they'd been forced apart. And that was why he let her continue speaking without interruption.

"But I never stopped loving you. I spent a great deal of time and energy forcing myself not to think about you. I even remodeled the house to build a new bathroom because I couldn't stand to be in that shower ever again."

"Oh Sookie."

"The first few years I had a string of one night stands. I would go into the city, get drunk, and then pick up some strange guy."

"But what about their thoughts?"

Tears filled Sookie's eyes as she explained, "That was the whole point. With them inside my head there was no room for your memory, and it was the only relief I truly had. I didn't care if they were wondering if my boobs were real, or if I was really a blonde. I didn't care if they were thinking they wished I waxed instead of trimmed my lady parts. I didn't care if they thought I was a whore. None of it mattered to me. What mattered was that for those brief moments when their skin was against mine, when their thoughts filled my head, the pain I felt from you leaving was gone."

Wiping the tears from her cheek as she remained pressed against Eric's side, Sookie continued, "I was starting to hate myself. More and more everyday. I was just starting to really understand supe politics and the fact you really and truly couldn't have gotten out of the marriage contract without Felipe's help or the Cluviel Dor."

Eric could tell that Sookie was working up to something big, and he worried what it was. He did not begrudge her partaking in meaningless sex once he was gone. He'd certainly tried to drown his sorrows in endless parades of fangbanger after fangbanger, desperately trying to fill the void Sookie's loss left inside him.

Staring out into the night, Sookie continued her tale. "Sam knew I was losing it. He kept trying to help me. Jason kept trying to help me. Alcide kept trying to help me. Everyone kept saying I needed to talk to someone, get some help, and move on, but I couldn't. By that point my guilt was killing me. I finally realized that I'd lost you, and it was mostly my fault. I hated myself. I hated myself and I was starting to hate Sam. Every time I saw him it was a reminder I'd saved him instead of you. I grew more bitter by the day, and Sam knew it."

Eric gave Sookie a moment to collect herself before asking, "What happened?"

The memory she was about to share with Eric was not her finest moment, but Sookie knew she had to tell him. "One night I snapped. It was Saturday night and Sam and I were the last ones at the bar. We were closing up and he tried to talk to me. I kept ignoring him, and finally he yelled at me why did I save his life if I obviously resented him being alive."

Eric stayed very still as he pressed, "What did you say?"

"Nothing. I just hauled off and punched him in the nose. And it was like a dam was unleashed. I just started punching and kicking him. I clawed and spit and screamed, and was basically a wild animal. I just kept attacking him over and over, doing anything and everything I could to hurt him and draw blood … and he let me. Sam did nothing to defend himself, and he did nothing to stop me. He just let me hit him, and hit him, and hit him, and hit him. I kept hitting him until my body gave out and I just fell onto the floor.

"We were both bloody messes by that point. My knuckles were raw, the skin completely torn off. I'd even ripped off a fingernail somehow too. Not to mention I had a lot of Sam's blood on me. And Sam was so much worse. I left three scars on him that night that never healed. One right over his eye that went right through his eyebrow."

Eric was shocked by what he was hearing, but again he remained silent. He could practically feel Sookie's shame and heartbreak radiating off her body as she spoke, and he would do nothing to stop her from excising the poison of this wound.

Sookie's voice was low, filled with regret and shame as said, "It seemed like we just laid there for hours staring at each other. Well, Sam stared at me the best he could with one eye. The other one was completely swelled shut and bleeding badly. We didn't say anything. We just stared at each other."

Her voice was far away now as she lost herself entirely to her memory. "I remember just laying there and staring at him. I just kept thinking over and over that you were gone. You were gone and you were never coming back. At that time we didn't know about the Cluviel Dor's effect on me. I just kept looking and him and thinking I'd lost you. I'd really lost you. Then all of a sudden I was filled with a second wind and I lunged at him."

"You attacked him again?"

"Not exactly."

Taking a deep breath Sookie said, "I started kissing him and he kissed me back and then we were fucking. It was over pretty quick and once it was I started balling. Sam was starting to heal pretty well by then since he was a shifter, so he picked me up and carried me to his trailer. He laid us both down in his bed, curled up around me, and simply held me while I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up and we talked. I told him how I'd been feeling, and he told me he was sorry I regretted my choice but it wasn't his fault and there was nothing he could do about it now. He told me I could either be miserable or I could find a way to be happy, but he was tired of feeling like it was his fault I'd lost you. I knew he was right, but it didn't keep me from blaming him. So I asked for some time off from the bar. I knew I needed to get my head on right, and I couldn't do that while trying to live my life as if nothing had happened."

Glad that Eric wasn't saying anything, Sookie pressed forward. "First I went on a vacation. I had the money my grandfather had left me, so I rented a house in the Virgin Islands for two months. I did nothing but snorkel, take diving lessons, swim with dolphins, tan, and read. Though I stayed well away from any romance novels. I just did anything and everything I could to not think about a thing."

"Did it work?"

"In a way."

"Meaning?"

"I found out I was pregnant, and everything changed."

Eric was silent a moment. He didn't know why, but he'd assumed that Sookie hadn't gotten pregnant until after she and Sam had gotten back together. Of course it wasn't like he'd been able to keep the best tabs of her over the years, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.

"It was like everything became clear. I couldn't have you, but I could have a family. I could have children to love unconditionally."

"So you went home and married Sam?"

Sookie laughed, "No. No, that's not how it happened. I did go home, and I of course told Sam that he was going to be a dad, but we didn't get together. We sat down and talked, and while I still had a lot of resentment for him, I was finally starting to accept the fact it wasn't his fault. He didn't ask me to save him with the Cluviel Dor, and he had no part in forcing you to Oklahoma. I still wished you were with me, but I was also thankful one of my dreams was coming true. I was going to be a mom.

"So that's what I did. I focused completely and totally on getting ready to have a baby. Any time I started to think dark thoughts, anytime I started to lose myself to memories of you, I'd force myself to think about my baby. When Adele was born it did so much to help me heal. The first time I saw her I truly believed it was worth losing you to have her. She was my saving grace."

Eric could not begrudge Sookie her feelings. In fact he was glad she'd had her daughter to help her out of the depression she'd fallen into. "So when did you and Sam get together?"

"We slept together a few times the first two years of Adele's life, but it wasn't until her third birthday we decided to make a go at dating. Once I found out I was pregnant I never had a one night stand again, so each time with Sam was more about relieving stress than anything. It was the same for him. Once he found out I was pregnant he stopped trying to find a girlfriend, and we both dedicated ourselves to raising Adele. We actually only dated for a few weeks before deciding to get married."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We knew we were never going to love each other as anything more than friends. We were ok with that. We decided being married was the best thing. It would provide Adele with a stable home, and it would keep us from being alone. It was—comfortable. We were comfortable with each other. I'm not saying we were never happy, because we certainly made many happy memories together, and I definitely loved Sam more and more every year, but it was always as a best friend and companion. He knew that, and I knew he felt the same for me. We never doubted what we were and weren't to each other, but we were happy. Of course we had more children and that certainly enriched our lives, but ultimately being together was comfortable for us."

"You stayed with him to the end?"

Looking up at Eric where her head rested on his shoulder, Sookie replied, "Of course I did! I may not have been in love with Sam, but he was my husband. He was a good, kind, and honorable man. When he started to get older and I stayed the same he tried to tell me that it would be ok if I wanted to leave him for someone who wouldn't grow old on me, but I refused. It didn't matter to me what he looked like. He was my husband. I continued to make love to him until his body failed him, and then I cared for him until the end."

Sookie had long ago made peace with Sam's death, so she did not cry as she carried on. "His passing hurt me, and I certainly grieved, but I wasn't as devastated as I was with you. I think part of that was because I had so long to prepare myself for it. About 10 years into our marriage it was obvious Sam was getting older and I wasn't. By then 14 years had passed since I'd used the Cluviel Dor, and while I took care of myself even plastic surgery couldn't have kept me looking as good as I am for my age. So I spent nearly 40 years preparing myself to lose him. I will always love Sam for the children and memories he gave me, for the friendship he offered unconditionally, but I was able to move on from his death without falling apart as I did with your loss."

"I'm glad. I would have hated for you to suffer as you had a second time."

"Me too."

Leaning down to kiss the top of Sookie's head, Eric asked, "And Marcus? Did you marry him for the same reasons?"

Sookie wasn't ready to discuss Marcus yet, and said as much. "Eric, we're going to have to leave that for another night. The way Marcus and I came together is very complicated, and I don't have the energy to get into it with you right now. Let's talk about something else."

"Are you truly so tired?"

"Let's see you watch after 6 kids between the ages of 10 and 2 so your daughters can have a spa day and see how you spry you are that night!"

Eric laughed and decided that Sookie was right. They'd discussed enough of the hard topics tonight. He still had three more months before Marcus came back from his business trip, and that was more than enough time to discuss the man's relationship with Sookie.

So instead he said, "Tell me of these little demons you call grandkids. I believe you mentioned something earlier about needing to childproof your wallpaper?'

Rolling her eyes, Sookie commented, "You'd think after 200 years they'd have found a way to get Sharpie off of things! And where the hell those kids got permanent markers is beyond me. I always put things like that away when there are going to be young kids in the house! I'm just know it was Tara that gave them to them! She swears up and down it wasn't her, but anytime she gets that innocent look on her face she's up to no good."

"Do tell."

The tension of the evening faded away as Sookie began to regale Eric with tales of her supe children. They laid together in the night, staring up at the stars, and talked. Both knew hard discussions were coming their way, but for now they were content to be together as friends.