Marriage

America's normally sky happy blue eyes were reminiscent of blue diamond as he stared down the two seated in front of him. His fingers twitched. A foot tapped in the silence. An elegant eyebrow raised defiantly.

"Alright," America said lowly, eyes narrowing behind the thin frames on his face. "I don't want to do this. You two don't want to do this either. But we have to if we want to survive. So-" He picked up his clipboard and lifted a page. "Tell me where it began to go wrong."

Deathly silence.

"Sometimes I feel that Hellas just doesn't appreciate my authority."

"ROMULUS!" America held up his hand. "Hellas." He warned. "This is good, Romulus." He said soothingly. "This is what marriage counseling is all about, getting your problems out in the open so we can talk about them." America wrote some notes on his clipboard.

Potentially unacceptable chauvinist attitude on Rome's part.

"Continue, Romulus." America prodded gently, as if speaking to a frightened kitten. Rome awkwardly shifted in his wooden chair and looked around America's study, pushing his fingers together nervously. "It's just...I went to all this effort to make Hellas see how strong I was, and she just keeps belittling me-"

"You conquered my land! And took my gods! And the Athena Parthenos! That was like- like emotional rape!"

"Inside voices." America said as he scribbled down Ancient Greece's emotional rape comment. "Okay. Hellas, expand on how you felt when Romulus took over your land and took the Parthenos-"

"You just barge in, all high and mighty," Hellas ranted, not even looking at her husband, nose in the air with anger, "and just take, take, take! You never give anything back! This marriage is completely one sided and always has been!"

"Erm-"

"One sided?! I provided for you! I made sure you and Hercules were as comfortable as possible-"

"Oh sure, while you're gallivanting around with Romano. Conquering other nations, sleeping with all those other countries. Including my sister! You think I don't know who Gupta's father is?!"

"Uh-"

"They meant nothing!"

"Then why did you sleep with them and father their bastards?! HUH?! Was keeping it in your fucking armored skirt that hard?!"

"I follow my emotions and passions, okay?! Sometimes that results in mistakes!"

"Oh yeah, mistakes. That would be so much more believable if you didn't make the same mistake over and over and over! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT BRITANNIA?"

"Wait, what?"

"WHO TOLD YOU?!"

"Oh, please! That insane desire to conquer the world didn't come from the Celtic, faerie loving island dweller! Were you that desperate to get laid? To sail across the ocean and take a fucking island?!"

"Rome is Iggy's dad?"

"You think I'm the only one whose had affairs?! What about that Ottoman kid?"

"Whoah, now hang on-"

"Oh, of course you bring Sadiq into this! You never could stand him, could you?"

"Of course not! Why would I be okay with the kid that's CONSTANTLY HITTING ON MY WIFE?!"

"You constantly hit on his mother all the time! Who's also my sister!"

"You slept with both of her sisters?"

"Just once!"

"And Sadiq and I were never together! He is even younger than you, for the gods sake! But nooooo. You could never accept that maybe I was actually faithful to you, could you? No, you needed an excuse to continue sleeping around, you man-whore!"

"HEY! I AM YOUR HUSBAND, AND YOU WILL NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!"

"IT'S THE 21st CENTURY, JACKASS! I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT A SHITTY HUSBAND YOU ARE!" America removed his glasses, rubbed his eyes, reached over to his office phone, and picked up the receiver after finding the number he wanted from his now open laptop.

"WE'RE NOT FROM THE 21st CENTURY! AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?! MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T CALLING ME BASTARD, AND SHOVING ME AWAY ALL THE TIME I WOULDN'T SLEEP AROUND!"

"OH, THAT'S RICH! MAYBE IF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU'D REALIZE THAT THAT'S HOW I SHOW AFFECTION, YOU FUCKING ASS!"

"Hello?" America said into the receiver calmly, ignoring the yelling that was happening right in front of him. "My name is Alfred F. Jones, and I would like to schedule an appointment for my friends."

"YOU NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED MY GODS WERE BETTER!"

"BRAWN OVER BRAINS AS ALWAYS! DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT WISDOM IN BATTLE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT! OH WAIT, YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY DESTROYING ATHENS!"

"Their names are Romulus Vargas and Hellas Karpusi, and they are currently separated and could really benefit from your service." America paused, listening to the other end. "Sooner would be best. Friday?" He checked his calender. "Friday would work great! 2:00 o'clock is perfect, thanks! Oh, and just a warning, be prepared for a lot of screaming."

New York Marriage & Family Counseling has dealt with many cases where the spouses are hostile towards each other, Mr. Jones.

"Well," Alfred hedged, "Just...Listen, okay?." He held up the phone in the general direction of the now standing, screaming Ancients.

"AND YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR HERACLES! YEAH, NOT HERCULES! HERACLES! YOU JUST WOULD BREEZE IN, GIVE HIM A CAT, AND WALTZ RIGHT BACK OUT TO YOUR WHORES!"

"HEY, HERCULES IS MY SON TOO, AND I LOVE HIM JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO!"

"THEN WHY WERE YOU NEVER THERE? HUH?! MAYBE IF YOU STUCK AROUND AND ADDED SOME STRUCTURE TO HIS LIFE, OR TAUGHT HIM SOME THINGS ABOUT PRACTICALITY AND INDEPENDENCE, MAYBE HE WOULDN'T BE IN SO MUCH DEBT!"

"I TAUGHT ROMANO ALL THAT AND HE'S IN DEBT!"

"THAT'S FELICIANO AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU STUPID BASTARD!"

America brought the phone back to his ear. "So, Friday. 2:00 o'clock?" There was the crackle of stunned silence through the phone. America nodded to himself, said, "Friday it is. Have a nice day, miss," and hung up the phone. Gathering his papers and shoving them into the nearest drawer, he picked up his Ipod, his sound canceling headphones and made his way to the door. "Hey, I'm going to Nevada's for a while, okay?"

"OH, SADIQ AGAIN! JUST ADMIT IT! YOU FELT THREATENED BY HIM!"

"THREATENED BY A BRAT! YOU MUST BE ABSOLUTELY CRA-"

"Okay, see you later!" America said hastily, before yanking out the door and running the hell out of there, their marital spat echoing in his ears like very pissed off, vengeful ghosts.

America decided never again would he ever, try to give Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece marriage counseling.

NEVER.

*Ancient Greece's sisters: Ancient Egypt, Anatolia, sometimes called the Asia Minor (Turkey's mom)

*Gupta: Egypt

*Britannia: Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland, Ireland, and England's mom. Rome is only England's father