Chapter 21: Letting Go

A/N: Yeah, I know it's been a little while, but my sinuses have been acting up a lot due to the constantly changing weather. However, I decided that today was a good day to get another chapter up, so here it is. Thanks to all of those who have read and reviewed so far. Your encouragement has been amazing, and I'm grateful to all of you for having the patience to stick with me even when I leave you hanging. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: TMNT is property of Nickelodeon. I only own the plot.

Donnie sighed as he looked through one f the photograph albums April had given him. There were so many good pictures of her, and some of them had been taken without her knowledge. He smiled as he spotted one of her eating a piece of pizza, the cheese dangling from her mouth. He remembered how Mikey had challenged her to see who could make the longest cheese string.

"Aw, man, I remember that day," a voice said. "Good times."

Donatello whirled around to see Mikey standing behind him. How had he not heard Mikey come into his room? "Mikey, how many times have I told you to knock first?" he chastised.

"I don't know," Mikey answered. "A lot. Look, Leo said it's time for patrol. Why are you looking at that again?"

"Because I feel like it!" snapped Don. "Is that okay with you?"

Mikey held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "Okay, chill out, bro!" he said. "I didn't mean anything by it. I was just curious."

Don sighed, his face softening. Why was he acting this way toward his brother? "I'm sorry, Mikey," he said softly. "I'm trying to let go, but it's really hard for me, especially now that I know how she died."

"I know, Donnie, but you can't mourn her forever," said Mikey. "She wouldn't want that for you. She'd want you to go out and have fun instead of looking at pictures of her."

"I know that, Mikey, and I'm trying," replied Don, not wanting to say anything more. He put the album away and followed his brother to where Leo and Raph were waiting for them.

"You ready to go, Donnie?" asked Leo.

"Yep, as ready as I'll ever be," replied Don.

"My sons, I hope that you are careful on your patrol tonight," Splinter said. "Donatello, I would like for you to remain behind."

Don was shocked. "But, Sensei, I wanted to test the new trackers I installed on the T-Phones tonight," he protested.

"Well, you will have to do that another night," Splinter replied and left no room for argument.

"Sorry, guys," Don said. "I guess I have to stay behind."

"That's okay, Donnie," Leo reassured him. "We'll let you know what happened when we get back."

Don watched his brothers go, feeling angry at his father for making him remain behind. What was the point of it anyway? Had he done something his father was mad at him for?

"You are probably wondering why I asked you to remain behind," Splinter began. "It is not because you did anything wrong. However, I have noticed that you are having a difficult time moving on from April's death."

"I'm sorry, Sensei, but it isn't that easy," Don protested. "I keep thinking about how she died, and it hurts so much."

"I understand how you feel, Donatello," Splinter said gently. "As you know I lost someone I cared for as well, and it wasn't easy for me to let go. I, too, have often relived Tang Shen's death and have felt that I could have done more to prevent it. However, I often use other techniques to help me cope with it."

"How do you do that, Sensei?" Don asked him. "How can you just go on knowing there was no way you could have saved her?"

"It is not easy, but sometimes I meditate to clear my thoughts," Splinter replied. "Another thing that has helped me is seeing the four of you. When I look at all of you, I am able to forgive myself for what I couldn't do for my wife and daughter. The memories will never leave, Donatello, but you cannot let them control you."

"I'm not letting them control me," Don insisted. "I go out with my brothers, I participate in practice, and I even talk to Mr. O'Neil about things."

"Yes, but I have noticed that your thoughts are elsewhere," Splinter told him. "You do participate in practice, but your moves seem forced. You do go out with your brothers, but you do not seem to be involved in it as you should be. And, yes, you do talk to Mr. O'Neil, but I fear your intention is to try and keep a piece of April with you."

"But, Sensei, Mr. O'Neil and I don't really talk about April," Don told him. "We mostly discuss his work and my inventions. Besides, I'm doing my best to let her go, but it's just not as easy as I thought it would be."

"And that is where I can help you," said Splinter. "Even though the ones we love are gone, they never truly leave us. Their spirits still remain."

"How can you be sure of that, Sensei?" asked Don. "Isn't that based on superstition?"

"I am sure because it is what I believe," answered Splinter. "It is not based on superstition though. I have told you and your brothers about reincarnation and how when one dies, their soul is reborn. That is what I mean by the spirit remaining. It is reborn in something else."

"Okay, but how do you know that? If she's reborn, she could take the form of anything, so it would be hard to tell what form she's taken."

Splinter looked at him, and Don found himself unable to look away from his father's gaze. "I know because I see her in the four of you. Each of you has taken some form of Tang Shen within you. You, Donatello, have her intelligence and curiosity about things. Leonardo has her bravery and protective nature. Raphael has her stubbornness and rashness, and Michelangelo has developed her compassion and sense of humor. She has been reborn in all of you."

"So, you're saying that April could be reborn in someone, too?" Don asked him.

"Yes," Splinter said. "That is why you must not dwell on her death. You must take comfort that she is reborn and that she is not suffering anymore. The mystery of how she died has been solved as well, so I figured that by now you would be at peace."

A bitter laugh escaped Don's throat. "At peace?" he repeated. "You think that I can be at peace knowing that it was April's sister who killed her? No, Sensei, I'm not at peace knowing that April had a lunatic sister who killed her and tried to kill us. I'm not at peace knowing that Robyn could still be out there looking for revenge on all of us. The only thing I can do is blame myself for not suspecting her sooner."

"And what if Robyn is gone?" Splinter asked him. "Would you be able to move on then?"

"If I was sure that Robyn was gone, then, yes, I could," he answered. "But I looked at all of the reports, Sensei, and none of them say that her body was discovered. That leads me to believe she's still out there."

"Unless her body was burned beyond any recognition," Splinter mused.

Don shook his head. "I just can't believe that, Sensei," he said.

Splinter sighed. "Then we will say no more about it just now," he said. "Instead, I want you to meditate with me to see if you can reach out to April's spirit."

Don looked confused. "What did you just say, Sensei?" he asked. "Didn't you just say that she's reincarnated in another form? How can I talk to her?" He had seen television shows where people tried to talk to their loved ones, but he knew they weren't real. No one could really talk to the dead that way.

"Yes, but there is a way to reach the spirit through meditation," Splinter replied. "I have done this myself with Tang Shen."

"You've talked to her?" Don gasped.

"Yes, I have," Splinter answered, and a sad look crossed his face. "I told her about Miwa and how I could not reach her."

Don sighed at that. Splinter had found out Miwa was alive after going to Shredder's lair after discovering April was kidnapped. While fighting Shredder, he had discovered that Shredder had taken Miwa that fateful night of the fire. Splinter had told his sons later about all of this, and Leo had been determined to get Karai onto their side and reunited with Splinter. Karai had refused, continuing to believe that Yoshi had killed her mother when it was the other way around. Leo didn't try to reach her again until after April's death, feeling that maybe she would see sense and how it would help Splinter to have his daughter back. Once again, she refused and stated that she didn't want to be with a family of freaks. Since then, it was open warfare with Karai now.

"Donatello, are you listening to me?" Splinter asked his son.

"Yeah, I was just thinking," Don answered. "So how do you channel her spirit?"

"I just focus on her and think only of her," Splinter explained. "I do not know if you will be able to do it on your first try, but we shall see."

Don nodded and sat in the lotus position just as his father did. He closed his eyes and focused his energy and thoughts on April just as his father instructed him to do. He didn't believe in any of this stuff, but he thought it would be interesting to see if this was really true or not.

And suddenly he wasn't in the dojo with his father but in his own lab in the Lair. He thought that it was odd that he was there until he saw the figure in front of him and gasped. It was April, and she looked just as she had on the day she died. Don was speechless as he looked at her, hardly daring to believe that she was real.

"Hey, Donnie," she said, and it was her voice he was hearing.

"April, is that you?" he asked.

She nodded. "It's really me, Donnie," she replied. "I wanted to apologize for not telling you about Robyn. I wanted to, but Dad made me swear not to, and I had no choice but to listen."

"It's not your fault, April," Don told her. "You had to listen to your dad. I had no idea Robyn hated you so much."

"Me neither," admitted April. "I always thought she liked me like any sister would. When I found out she wanted me dead, I just couldn't believe it and thought she was just saying that because she was angry at me. I tried to fight back, but I couldn't. I kept thinking of you guys and how I couldn't even call you for help before she shoved me in the hole."

"I'm sorry about what happened to you, April," said Don. "We all feel guilty about it, especially Leo."

"None of you should be blaming yourselves for what happened," April told him. "It's my fault for not telling you about Robyn. If I had, this might never have happened to me."

"I know, but it's still not fair that it happened at all," replied Don.

"I know that, Donnie, but it can't be helped," said April sadly. "What's done is done. You guys need to move on with your lives and take comfort in the fact that I'm okay. No one and nothing will hurt me ever again."

"We miss you, April," said Don. "You will be okay, but you're not here anymore. You're dead."

"But I'm still with you in spirit, Donnie. Nothing will change that. I'll always be with you guys. And now that you know how to contact me, we can talk all the time. It will be so cool. Maybe you could teach the others to do this, too, Donnie."

"Leo might go for it, but I can't say the same for Raph and Mikey. However, I'll see what I can do."

April laughed. "That's all I ask, Donnie," she said.

"April, I need to ask you something," said Don. He could feel a tug as if someone was trying to pull him out of his meditative trance, and he wanted the answer before he left. "Robyn said you loved me, but after all she has done to us, I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or lying. So I need you to tell me the truth. Did you love me?"

"Yes, I did," replied April. "I did love you, Donnie, and I always will. At first, I was unsure about my feelings and whether they were real, but now I know that they were. I'm sorry I never got to respond to your letter. I thought it was very sweet, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with not knowing whether I cared or not. But now that you know, do you feel better?"

Don nodded. This is what he'd been hoping to hear ever since April had vanished. He thought of the nights he'd lain awake wondering if April had ever loved him. He thought of the days he had spent trying to find her and hoping that if she were found that he would get the answer he'd be hoping for. Yes, he had been doing it for his brothers, but he had also been searching for the reassurance that there was someone who cared for him despite what he looked like. Once again feeling the tug to come back, he leaned over and gave April a kiss on the lips and this time she didn't pull away. She pulled Don into an embrace, and he was pleased to know that she didn't feel cold like a ghost, but warm just as she had on the day she died. She had hugged them all then, not knowing it would be the last time she would ever do that again.

Don didn't want to let April go, but he could feel the tugging again and knew that he had to. "April, I have to go, but I promise that I'll try and come again to see you soon. I love you."

"I love you, too, Donnie," she replied. "Tell the guys I miss them, and know that I'll always be watching over all of you."

Don nodded and watched as his surroundings shifted and he was back in the dojo with his father. He felt exhausted as though he had been through an intense workout even though he had just been sitting down the whole time.

"Donatello, did it work?" Splinter asked him.

"Yes, it did, Sensei," Don answered. "I was able to talk to her."

"And did it put you at ease?"

Don nodded. "I feel so much better than I did before," he confessed. "I admit that I was skeptical about this but now I see that it's real. Thank you for showing me this, Sensei."

"You are welcome, Donatello," Splinter replied. "I am glad that you have found peace at last. Now you must get some rest."

"Hai, Sensei. Why do I feel so tired?"

"I believe it is due to the emotions you have felt during your encounter," answered Splinter. "I often have felt that way myself after my journey. A good rest is what you need."

Don bowed to his father and made his way to his room. His brothers weren't back yet, and Don was thankful because he was too tired to tell them about what happened. He would do that later and even try to see if they wanted to experience what he had. His mind was finally at peace now, and it the most wonderful feeling ever to finally be free of all the pain and anguish he'd been feeling for three years. Now he could finally be at peace knowing that April was fine and that she truly loved him. With that last thought in his head, Don fell asleep and had the best sleep he'd ever had in three years.

A/N: Yay! Don got to talk to April and find the answer he was looking for. As it relates to Karai, I know what happened in the latest episode, but I wrote this way before season two premiered so this is basically my own universe and interpretation on what happened after season one ended. Only two more chapters to go and this story will be complete. Feel free to leave a review, and have a shelltastic day.