Shepard lay in bed, sheets tangled around her legs as usual, one hand gently resting on her still fairly tender midsection. Her fingers grazed over the rough texture of the bandages, her ribs immediately responding with sharp jolts of pain. She grimaced from the pain and squirmed into a more comfortable position where her chest didn't feel like it was on fire all the time. Her fitful sleeps were preventing her ribs from healing fully, and her lack of sleep also contributed to a slower recovery. It was a double edged sword that Shepard was not fond of in the least. Chakwas had at least aided her in getting to a more comfortable sleeping area, having been moved to her room a few hours earlier after the med-bay had been quarantined to aid in Tali's healing.
They wouldn't be doing any missions until the Citadel, so it wasn't a major concern that it was closed off. Shepard felt it a little refreshing to have some time alone, even if she was continually taunted with the urges of sleep. It was a tempting piece of bait that she hoped she wouldn't be tricked by again anytime soon. At least, I hope I won't… she mused, recalling the rather graphic memory of her sister, alive for some reason, being defiled in the madness alongside the other organics. Every time she went to sleep it seemed to be integrating itself more with her experiences, urging her to listen, to heed the warning, despite already having done so. Wish it would just shut up for a bit…only reprieve I've gotten was that one night where I…well…you know, I'd probably prefer that over the Reapers, so maybe I can trade one horrific dream for one terribly teasing and embarrassing dream. Won't feel well rested either way.
A buzzing from her door evacuated her thoughts from her mind, her head rising to look to the door. She pulled the covers over her body hastily and gave the voice command for the door to unlock. Pressly practically barged in holding the transponder from the ground mission, though it looked as if it had seen better days. The team must have really worked it over… she thought, watching her XO attempt to salute while carrying the device.
"At ease, officer. Wish I could stand, but…doctor's orders. What can I do for you, Pressly?" Shepard asked, each breath stirring up tiny pricks of pain, though easily ignored.
"I understand, Commander." Pressly noted, pulling up the chair from her desk. "The comm team just finished their analysis of the transponder. I felt you would want to know as soon as possible."
"Thanks, I was kind of dreading just laying here, doing nothing. What did they find?" she asked, noticing the executive officer's apprehension.
"It was more what we didn't find, Commander. Nothing was utterly conclusive." Pressly began. "The signal was the easiest part of the equation to assess. The team couldn't be one hundred percent certain, but it seemed to be turian in origin. Virtually identical to the frequencies the turian hierarchy used in the first contact war."
Shepard's eyebrow cocked at the assertion. "But…we're not exactly close to turian space, Pressly. Why the hell would the turians be poking around here in the traverse?"
"I…will agree, it seems regrettably far-fetched. While I would like to blame the turians…it would give us a quick culprit…the design of the device is more in line with human utilitarian schematics." Pressly explained, looking troubled. "Senior comms officer Felawa has an extensive background in turian communications, and confirmed that while there are some minor similarities, it is not in line with their rather rigid standards."
Shepard turned her head to look at the device more closely. "So someone went through the effort to try and make this seem turian, but didn't really accomplish more than a cheap knockoff. This thing's sending mixed signals, pardon the pun, and we don't know what we're looking at, am I right?"
"We…aren't sure, Commander. We haven't been able to trace this to anything in particular, but there was a small symbol etched on the inside of one of the parts. Here let me show you." Pressly said, pulling apart the transponder and pulling out what seemed to be the battery casing. He took a studying look at it before flipping it around and bringing it close enough to her face that she didn't have to lean forward.
Shepard's eyes adjusted quickly, scanning for the symbol, growing wide when she found it.
"I appreciate you showing this to me. I'd like to file a mission report on it now. You're dismissed." Shepard stated calmly, her voice hollow, her face paling. Her jaw clenched and she clutched the side of the bed tightly.
Pressly didn't need her to reiterate, and cautiously left her room. Fuck. Christ. Why does it have to be them?!
She threw the sheets off, jumped off the bed and began pacing around the room, yelling obscenities as memories flooded through her. It had been over a decade since she'd seen the symbol, but it was still familiar, still a sore spot for her.
Shepard felt a searing pain from her chest and figured she'd aggravated something in her blind tirade, and it was a bit too much to ignore this time. She let out a groan and limped over to her bed, collapsing back onto it.
"Goddamn assfucking Cerberus." She spoke through grit teeth.
She lay flat on her bed and began going over everything she knew in order to get the full picture. Armistan Banes, Alliance ops, goes missing. Of enough importance to send another team to find him. Bait? Don't know if he's still alive, or if he was killed. Could definitely be either. Kahoku sends recon team. Skilled, highly trained, large group. Six of them, I think. They investigate, Cerberus has transmitter sending frequencies that would get picked up but not recognized. Their mission requires haste, they wouldn't check into what the frequency was, just that it was there and probably the only one.
They land, drive over in their Grizzly. Investigate, but it's too late by then. The goddamn thresher maw's on them, and they die. Their ship, and whoever was on it, was likely boarded by Cerberus and taken away, because there weren't any signs of derelict ships in the area. But why? What were they hiding? Why…wait…why are they mimicking what happened on Akuze? Are they just being sick fucks, or…is it a second trial? Did they do Akuze? Fuck! No one ever actually found out why the distress signal was sent out on Akuze, at least nothing was done about it that I know of. Atwood raised a stink for years and nothing came of that. Hear she's been stuck on shit assignments ever since, too. Maybe Cerberus is in deep in the Alliance…Maybe they needed more data?
Her mind plowed through all the information until it ground to a halt upon recalling Kahoku's original transmission to her. He was getting stonewalled within the Alliance. Did Alliance follow up on Akuze? I…Christ. I hoped it couldn't happen at that level, but if Cerberus has people that high up enough in the Alliance to stonewall a rear admiral behind red tape, then…then this is fucking hell. Is anywhere safe? Faridah's on Luna base, that's Alliance, but they could have people there. They're running experiments up there, it's an R&D lab and training ground, of course they'll have people up there! Is she in danger? Fuck! And Heather, she's a friend of ours…shit, they might be used against us if they learn what I know…I should bring her on board no matter what, she's safer here than anywhere else. This is about the worst news I could imagine, barring Saren destroying the galaxy or some shit…
Shepard put down the transponder and opened up a datapad, her fingers quickly typing up the report. Not censoring this one. Straight to Kahoku, and from there, who knows? He'd just better be careful…I have to let him know what he's stepped into…we're both in some dangerous shit now, after this…
Liara stepped into Chakwas' medical lab, taking in the sight. It was a small, dark, sterile looking room; there was a long desk on the left hand side of the room with two terminals resting on it, and a shelf above it holding various chemicals, equipment, lights and supplies. The right-hand side of the room was littered with cargo crates full of what she assumed were supplies. Two mechanical arms hung from the ceiling, but she couldn't quite discern a purpose for those. She took another glance at the cargo area and decided it was where she'd set up her cot, in case Chakwas needed room to work on the other side of the room.
It had been a long four days of frustration for Liara since the Edolus mission, but she felt that things would be changing for the better going forward. The quarian, Tali'Zorah, had recently vacated the med bay after three and a half days of being quarantined, and was seemingly feeling good enough to stand and move around. The quarian's freedom went hand in hand with hers, as she was free to hide away in the medical lab until they arrived at the Citadel.
The Normandy had been delayed in its attempt to return to the seat of galactic civilization after the team in engineering decided the ship wouldn't be able to handle more than a single relay jump. It had taken a day to get to the nearest shipyard, just over two days sitting at the shipyard, and they were just under two days out from the Citadel. Liara resisted the urge to grab one of the cots in the med bay quite yet, despite her extreme lack of sleep.
It had been a frustrating few nights, attempting to sleep in the pods beside the mess. It had seemed as if every time she had managed to fall asleep, someone would buzz her communicator, letting a loud screech ring through the chamber and startle her awake. At times they would say something she imagined was rude, but she was always in too much of a daze or panic to readily understand it. Thank the Goddess for Chakwas, letting me rest in here while I am on the Normandy. If not for her…I cannot fathom withstanding another such sleepless night…
She was exhausted. But if she wanted to depart the Normandy when it docked, she would need to hold off on sleep for a few hours longer in order to have a better sleep cycle. I have not seen the commander since Edolus…perhaps she is avoiding me. Liara thought, trying to find something to fill the span of time until she could safely sleep. No, I doubt she would be so unprofessional, especially as the commanding officer on a ship such as this. No, she is likely too injured still to move around the ship often. Perhaps she has been around and I have not seen her?
Liara looked back to the door leading to the med bay. Maybe I could attempt talking to some of the friendlier crew. They…they would likely know more than I would if the commander was feeling better. I hope she is…I didn't mean to yell at her, but…she shouldn't have been so mean to me. Why am I so concerned about her, anyway? I suppose it's her vision…but still… She mused, feeling torn over why her thoughts had turned to the rude commander. Oh Liara, it will fill the time…what's the harm in being curious?
Liara moved out of the med-bay and immediately wanted to slink back in, hearing the lunch hour ruckus over at the dining table. She instead steeled herself and moved across the floor to where Kaidan Alenko was debating on which flavor of paste to call up to the counter. She saw him hold up a large beige tube and look at it thoughtfully as he began to leave the small nook he was in.
"L…Lieutenant Alenko, may I have a word with you?" Liara asked, distracting him from his meal, his head popping up to spot her walking shyly across the hall.
"Oh, Doctor T'Soni. Sure, we can talk if you'd like." Alenko said nonchalantly, gesturing her to walk with him to the table.
Liara looked in that direction and heard all sorts of laughing and bravado, but didn't feel like it was something she could easily digest. She turned back to him apologetically. "I was hoping we could discuss something in a…less crowded setting."
Kaidan looked over to the table and paused for a moment before nodding. "Would the comm room work? It's silly, but I like to sit down when I eat."
"That would be wonderful, thank you." Liara responded, following Kaidan up the stairs and into the small circular room, each taking up chairs opposite each other.
Liara took a quick glance around the room, imagining the full ground crew there after Therum. She could almost feel the tension still billowing through the room.
"So, what's on your mind, Doctor?" Kaidan asked, peeling open his tube of food. Liara wasn't used to the grainy, rough texture of the pastes, and had been pleased that Doctor Chakwas had helped her gain access to the regular military MREs. She noticed Kaidan not seeming to mind it as he took a small slurp of it. I wonder if Shepard has to eat those tubes? She…she IS a biotic…should I ask Kaidan about her? Why am I even here?
"I was wondering…if you could tell me about the commander." Liara stated, blushing slightly as the Lieutenant's eyebrows perked up. "I mean, as far as how she is on the ship, or on missions."
"And you want to hear this from me…why?" Alenko asked, skeptically.
"I have very little knowledge of human behavior, or military protocols, and if…if I am to stay on this ship I would prefer to know a little bit more about her, as she is the commanding officer. You were kind when you introduced yourself in the past, I was just hoping to gain some insight." Liara explained, feeling slightly foolish.
"Not sure I can tell you what you want to hear. The commander…she's hard to peg. Sometimes I feel like I have an idea of who she is and then…she says something that just doesn't fit. So…I'm not sure my word holds any weight." Kaidan spoke, looking a little off balance by the request.
"You have known her for longer than I have, Lieutenant. Anything at all would be helpful." Liara said, reaffirming her interest, hoping the lieutenant would help.
The Lieutenant took another slurp from his paste, nodding. "Well… she's pretty level headed for the most part…I think. She hasn't been on the ship for all that long, but she's been friendly and approachable for the most part, if a little unorthodox. Like I said, sometimes she just says things that kind of throw me for a loop. Shepard's been…well, she's terrifying on missions, but it's clear that she's good at what she does. She can be a little…wild, but it's usually for a good reason, like keeping the rest of us from danger. She really does seem to care about her crew. Honestly, I didn't see that coming after knowing her history."
"Her history?" Liara asked, her curiosity immediately perked. That the Lieutenant had come in with another idea in mind was interesting, and knowing it could help her potentially not make a fool of herself in front of the commander in the future.
"…Is something you'll have to get directly from her, and only her. Sorry, under orders from the commander herself." Alenko noted apologetically, eliciting a frown from the prothean expert.
"What makes you say she cares for her crew, then? In which ways?" Liara asked, wondering if humans were particularly socialized to enjoy rudeness, anger, or cold, sometimes harsh, dialogue.
"Well…there's the fact that she's been practically living in engineering since Tali was released from the med-bay yesterday." Kaidan said, before finishing his tube.
"Is she…normally so attentive?" Liara asked, realizing that the reason she hadn't seen the commander was because she'd been down a floor the whole time.
"She kind of treated Williams…the gunnery chief… in a similar way, I think. She had a hard time with Eden Prime and she's, from what I've seen and heard, gone out of her way to make sure Williams is doing fine. She's been pretty watchful of Tali from the start from what Garrus says, and she's at least polite to everyone else, I guess. From what I can tell, she tries to visit everyone at least once a day. I think she's pretty thankful for the people who stayed on the Normandy when they could have left. Just my own little thought, though." Kaidan elaborated, repositioning himself in the chair to get more comfortable.
Liara sat and let herself digest the information. The commander hasn't visited me once since Edolus…has she been avoiding me? Or has she been putting everyone aside while making time for Tali? Is she merely doing her best to help one of her crewmates, or…or perhaps she hates me? Or perhaps I make her uncomfortable? I have noticed I am the only asari on board…although other species also have sole representatives as well…this is so very confusing.
"Is the commander on duty right now?" Liara asked the Lieutenant, who shook his head in response.
"No, she returned to her office about an hour ago. She looked like she was probably going to get some well needed rest." Kaidan answered, at which Liara stood up.
"Thank you, Lieutenant, for talking with me. I know I must seem a little foolish, what with my prying information from you." Liara apologized.
Kaidan stood from his chair as well, rolling up the wrapper his food came in. "You're a researcher for a living, Doctor T'Soni. It's probably just a natural thing for you to ask a lot of questions, to want answers."
Liara blushed a little at the truth of the statement. Most of the time she had protheans as a distraction for that, but now that the human commander had become part of that field of study, she felt she couldn't help herself.
She thanked the Lieutenant again as she left the comm room and headed down the stairs to the elevator, knowing who she wanted to see next. Thankfully, the elevator was empty, but it was a surprisingly slow ride to the next level. She wondered if all human elevators were so slow, and couldn't imagine why they would waste so much time, considering their lives were so short. Perhaps they are more patient than stereotypes would lead me to believe…
The doors opened and Liara stepped out, gathering her surroundings. That is the cargo bay, so the engine room must be behind me. Liara banked right out of the elevator and made her way through the small corridor and into the enormous, illuminated room. Goddess, this is a magnificent sight! She thought, admiring the aesthetics of the room alone, everything bathed in a thin blue haze. She looked around for Tali and noticed a small cozy-looking quarian off in the corner, resting on what appeared to be a number of pillows and blankets, reading over a datapad quietly. Liara approached the engineer with a polite wave and a smile, receiving a small wave in return; the light purple blanket draped over the quarian falling off her shoulders slightly from the movement.
"Liara…was it? How are you doing?" Tali asked, sounding a little congested still, as she scooted over to make room for the asari.
"Yes, and I am doing fine. How are you managing… with your fever? Are you feeling any better?" Liara asked, sitting down beside the young quarian.
"Each day is better than the last. I'm hoping to return to my duties in a few days. I…really wanted to help fix the ship." Tali said quietly.
"I am sure you will be given such an opportunity again, with the scale of this mission. I understand the frustration of sitting around, not able to help." Liara said kindly, unable to keep from grinning at the sight of Tali wearing a blanket.
"What's so funny?" Tali asked, tilted her head slightly.
"You are wearing a blanket, yet…do quarian enviro-suits not regulate temperature on their own? It's rather absurd, if you don't mind me saying." Liara blurted out, hoping she wouldn't cause offense with the young girl.
The quarian made what sounded like a laughing sound, and her body shook slightly. "Yes, well…I didn't have much of a choice. Shepard seemed determined to help me feel better. She kept saying she didn't want me to get cold. I…didn't have the heart to tell her it wouldn't help."
Liara couldn't help but smile at the gesture, though her mind repeated past concerns. Everyone seems to have seen a friendlier, warmer side of the commander, but she has been distant to me at best…have I done something to truly offend her? Does she blame me for nearly dying on Therum? Did my attempts to help her in the med bay displease her to such a degree? Oh Liara, why does trouble always seem to find you?
"Aside from showering you with blankets you don't need, how has the commander been since you have joined the ship?" Liara asked, hoping her question didn't seem too out of order.
"She was very generous to bring me aboard the ship, especially when so many see quarians as pests. Especially with this being the Normandy! It's a marvel! Shepard has really tried to help me fit in, and has talked to engineer Adams to make sure I'm treated like any other Alliance engineer. It's…nice to feel valued, to be a part of this." Tali began, her hands quite animated as she talked. "She's helped guide me a little I guess. I'm still new to life away from the flotilla, so she's trying to make sure I have confidence, and make sure I have what I need. She even stood up for me a few times, which was really nice."
Liara felt much of the message was similar to Lieutenant Alenko's and bit the inside of her cheek slightly over the growing pit in her stomach. "Has…from what you've seen, at least…has she treated others the same?"
Tali paused for a moment, her expression unreadable behind the clouded visor. "I think so. Well, she's not like a typical quarian captain, which is…hard to get used to, after living on the flotilla for so long. She's kind of informal, doesn't really use her authority often, she takes time to talk to all the engineers, and she's tried to learn about quarian culture, and my experiences. It's kind of nice to have someone like her leading the Normandy, although she probably wouldn't survive a week on the flotilla, leading like this. I think she just expects us to be our best, and trusts that we'll get done what needs to get done. She doesn't pretend to understand engines at all. She knows we're the experts at that, and lets us lead our own section, make our own decisions. In that way, I think she treats us all alike. Maybe some get a little more attention, but I think she really tries to be fair."
Liara was puzzled at her answer and sat back against the railing, wondering why the commander had taken the time to see everyone but her lately. She's definitely avoiding me. I must…be making her uncomfortable. I know I have made the crew uncomfortable. Perhaps it would be best for everyone if I left the Normandy when we dock.
"I…take it you didn't just come down here to check up on me, did you?" Tali asked, as Liara felt a three fingered hand on her shoulder.
"I am sorry, I truly did want to see if you were feeling better. After Edolus, I was terribly worried." Liara started, wishing she could see the quarian's face. I feel so horrible… "But…I am also worried that the commander distrusts me. She has been distant and cold to me, not unlike how I've been treated by some of the crew. I simply wish I could understand what I have done to deserve it."
"Liara, there's no way she doesn't trust you. If that was the truth, you wouldn't be on the ship." Tali stated firmly. "Keelah, she got up in front of the entire Therum ground team and defended you. She stood up to a krogan! She trusts you, don't doubt that."
Liara's brows furrowed as she felt both relieved and perplexed over the Commander's behavior. If she trusts me, then she should be fine with me…but perhaps she just doesn't like me. I must have displeased her in the med-bay. She is the commander, I should have listened to her, no matter if she was being stubborn or not. I am such a fool…no wonder she hasn't visited me. She may trust me, but there is no doubt that she wants me off her ship. I…
"Liara, I don't know why she's acted….however she has around you. I honestly don't know why she would, so I can't really help you there. I would talk to her about it, but I don't feel it would be appropriate." Tali continued, rubbing Liara's shoulder lightly.
"Thank you for helping, Tali. Knowing that she trusts me…it clarifies much. I understand your trepidation about talking to Shepard, so I shall talk to her soon myself." Liara said, slowly standing up. "I hope you get some rest and can get back to work as soon as possible. Thank you again."
Tali gave Liara a wave farewell and the asari took off toward the elevator. I have preparations to make if I am going to leave the Normandy at the Citadel. And… I have to speak to the Commander later. I should get started on the former before the latter, though. Hopefully everything will go as planned, and I can stop being such a strain on everyone here.
The world had seemed a lot darker, the past few days. Shepard had tried to ease her worries by busying herself with Tali, but soon felt guilty for basically smothering her with attention that had probably caused a moderate or high level of annoyance. Though I'm glad she's starting to feel better. She's a cute kid. She sat on her bed, tumbling her acorns in her hands as unwanted thoughts blazed through her consciousness. Is Faridah safe? Is Heather safe? What projects is Cerberus working on now? How many innocents are being slain in secret, far from my ability to help? How many are being tortured, brutalized, murdered in the name of 'advancement'? She felt helpless to stop the steady flow of good and potential leaking out of the galaxy because of Cerberus.
She tossed the acorns across the twisted bed sheets; she had been unable to find it in herself to care about Alliance bed-making protocols lately. Why Cerberus? Why now? It is just a coincidence that I stumbled on them again? Even if that's true, what the hell are they up to?
Shepard got up from the bed and sat down at her desk, activating her holo-piano. It's like they're haunting me. They've taken so much already…I fought to keep them from taking more. Did I even make a difference? Was my sacrifice for nothing? I can't shake the damned paranoia that everyone I love is in danger again and…Christ, they've been safe for years. I shouldn't be so worked up about this but…still…how can I not worry? I need…I need to just play it out of my system…
She opened up the menu of known songs and flitted through them, waiting for something to catch her eye. Because hell, sleep's not going to help me get a fresh start. Haven't slept in days. Bed's a hostile warzone, after a few days ago…not going to live through my sister's death over and over again, and her turning into one of those goddamn husks…
She leaned forward and grabbed her personal datapad, smiling at the picture of her and Faridah at Katie's wedding almost seven years ago. Christ, that was ridiculous to get time off for, but it was fun…she'd met others, and moved on from me. Still a few years before Jared…who must be making her happy, although I've only seen him once. She has some making up to do in that department. But I'm happy she's found someone. She honestly deserves an incredible partner, and if she's sold on this guy, I can't wait to actually sit him down and talk.
Shepard placed the device back down on the desk and leaned back on her chair, letting out a painful sigh. And that's the other reason why I can't sleep…damn pain any time I breathe. Better than yesterday, but still…hell, this body's pretty much the biggest obstacle for any kind of comfort, whether it's sleep, or…well…I mean, I've been alone for years. Even my friends I can count on one hand…and it's not like we spend a lot of time together. Maybe in time some of the crew here might consider me one…maybe…if I'm lucky. I'm trying…
Her eyes caught on an old song from nearly two centuries ago that Katie had shown her at her twenty-second birthday celebration. Well, that's as suitable as any right now…she thought, loading up an old Bonnie Raitt song.
"Because really, I can't. I can only try my best and hope…even if it's a fool's hope…hell, even if there's no one I think I'd ever be comfortable with feeling that way, anyway. At least…that kind..." she muttered, resting her hands on the keys.
Her fingers nimbly made their way across the keys in the slow intro, flourishing seconds before the words would kick in. She felt the urge to sing along and fought it temporarily, continuing on; her body swaying to the melody, a hum emanating from her throat that eventually formed into words escaping her lips. It was soothing, comforting to have such a release, to be able to rely on herself for something so simple and essential. Something others haven't offered, and wouldn't offer. She barely heard the buzzer at the door, and gave the voice command to give access without thinking, her hands and voice busying her thoughts enough as it was.
The slight sound of footsteps on the steel floor captured just enough of Shepard's focus for her to turn her head to the side and see Doctor Liara T'Soni standing a few feet away from her, causing Shepard's hands to stumble and fall from the keys, her voice to crack and halt immediately as she became fully cognizant of her guest, and her body to slip mid-sway, nearly falling from her chair.
She took a long look at the asari once she was able to shake off the surprise; the doctor was visibly nervous, her eyes betrayed that she was somewhat perplexed, and she looked tremendously exhausted. Ah, common ground…such a beautiful thing…
"Can I help you?" Shepard asked, slowly and as calm as she could manage, given the circumstances.
Liara's mouth opened, and Shepard could practically feel the uncertainty emanating from the asari. Moments later she shook her head slightly and closed her mouth, her eyes cast downward, feigning interest in the grooves on the floor.
They both remained in silence for a number of seconds before the asari spoke, still distracted by the floor. "I…was not aware you performed music."
The words came simply, but Shepard couldn't help but feel her face flush immediately. She's obviously not here to tell me she's surprised I play piano. Focus!
"Oh! Yeah, well, just don't spread the word, please. I'm not exactly good at it as you could probably tell." Shepard said hastily, grinning and rubbing the back of her neck out of nervousness.
"I thought your performance was pleasant, Commander. Perhaps simple, but quite pleasant, if a bit melancholy." Liara noted, raising her gaze slightly, but still not making eye contact. Not that Shepard's eyes were in any way facing Liara's at the time either. She likes my playing? But…I'm really not that great at it, and I'm sure my voice was aughhhhh...
"Doctor T'soni, why are you here?" Shepard asked abruptly, face palming immediately after the words left her mouth, knowing she hadn't meant for the words to come out as harsh as they did. Fucking night full of surprises…Christ…don't fucking get your nipples in a twist because she complimented you, jerk.
She heard the doctor pivot quickly, the sound of her receding footsteps alarming her to the situation. Do something, you imbecile!
"Liara, please…" She called out, and paused, hoping for once there would be silence. She glanced up at the asari, who was looking over her shoulder expectantly. "I'm sorry, it's just…no one but my teacher's really ever heard me, and no one really ever comes to visit me, so I'm not really used to this kind of thing. I didn't mean to be harsh." Shepard said softly, eyes darting around the room trying to find a distraction, intermittently feeling pulled back toward the asari guest.
"If I haven't already kicked all hospitality to the curb, I would really be happy to have you as a guest. If you'd stay, which you don't have to, because I was an ass to you for being nice." Shepard rambled, deciding to finish her stream of consciousness apology there, hoping she hadn't made an enormous fool out of herself.
Liara turned and slowly, cautiously made her way back toward her. Shepard met her pace and rose from her chair, offering Liara a spot at the nearby table. They both sat and Shepard could feel the asari's gaze piercing her skin.
"You say no one visits you…but, you visit nearly everyone on the ship." The doctor stated uncertainly. Shepard blushed with shame at the asari's use of 'nearly'. They both knew very well who the exception was, and she was going to have to face that. Not my best decision, I'll admit…
"I do try and see everyone, usually. It's expected of me, or was when I was an executive officer. Now that I'm the commanding officer of the ship, I still feel I need to keep active. But…I don't really mind it. It's nice, even if I know that I'm usually more of an annoyance to everyone than anything." Shepard said, unable to keep from grinning nervously. It was the one nervous tic she loathed, but it was coming in full force.
The asari looked puzzled for a moment and her face scrunched up slightly. Shepard almost thought the expression cute, if not for the fact that looking at Liara brought back memories of the consort.
"I have begun preparations to leave the Normandy when it docks at the Citadel, Commander." Liara blurted out, her focus on her own hands, both clenched together tightly. It was Shepard's turn for her mouth to hang open, this time in shock. She wants to leave? I mean, I yelled at her in the med-bay, and…Christ, I should have apologized earlier. I'm such an idiot.
"I…Why?" Shepard asked, only able to force out a severely reduced amount of syllables.
"It is obvious, Commander. Please, do not make this more difficult." Liara requested, sounding more flustered.
"Social cues aren't really my thing, doc. They tend to fly over my head. Why you'd leave…I mean, I can think of one or two things, definitely, but it's not exactly obvious to me. I'm sorry." Shepard noted, hanging her head slightly. I'm such a shit leader is probably why. She saw the aftermath from Edolus. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't feel safe. We barely got out of Therum alive, and I fucking passed out on her. Great fucking protection you're offering there, Shepard…
"I have made the crew uncomfortable with my presence, and I do not wish to do so any further." Liara explained, luring Shepard's attention back to her.
"The crew? I told them you're good." Shepard replied quickly, but earnestly, holding back her anger at the notion that the crew didn't accept her word. "I'll set them straight, they won't be a problem going forward, I promise. I trusted them to be reasonable, but if they're giving you a hard time, I'll make sure they realize the need to be respectful. I'm…I'm sorry for whatever harm was done to you. It won't happen again." If it's bad enough that she brought it to me and plans on leaving, then the crew must not listen to me, they must have done something. Some things…their specialties, I let them have the freedom to make their own calls. That's their specialty, they do that best, but when it comes to personnel decisions, that's me, and they need to respect that. How can she feel safe if she's on a ship that doesn't listen to their CO? Christ…
Liara, however, appeared more confused at Shepard's response than beforehand. "You…you would not be relieved were I to leave the Normandy?"
Shepard hung her head again, feeling the shame billow through her, heating her body. It's…me. Of course it is, you idiot, you've hid from her from the start, and you've treated her poorly since she's been here. No fucking wonder. God, Shep, just…stop being so fucking terrified of her goddamn ludicrous eyes and give her a chance! Be honest!
"You haven't treated me the same as the rest of your crew, so there must be some issue with me being on this ship, some reason why I am making you uncomfortable. Perhaps it's a lack of trust, or…" Liara continued, sounding exhausted. Shepard knew she needed to do something right away and just pounced into the middle of the asari's reasoning.
"Please, don't doubt that I trust you. I know you have every right to feel that way, but I've trusted you since Therum and it hasn't wavered since. I'm sorry for how I've treated you. It was…goddamn unprofessional, and shameful, and I should never, ever have yelled at you in the med-bay." Shepard started, holding up her hand as Liara went to intervene. "Please. I should have apologized a lot sooner, but I didn't because I'm an idiot sometimes. You were trying to help, and I shouldn't have freaked out."
The asari leaned back against the chair and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, yawning. "But…but why then were you so distant with me in comparison to the others?"
Shepard gave a sigh and shrugged. "Honestly, it has much more to do with me. Practically all because of my own hang-ups, my own issues." Like how your eyes are made of space magic, and your voice makes me…well… And you, for some ungodly reason, are the bluest individual I've ever seen? I hate blue.
"Would…you be kind enough to clarify, Commander? I'm not certain what you mean." Liara said, looking utterly baffled.
Well, I've hid from her and yelled at her…I mean, yeah, I saved her life, but that was expected. I wanted to do that, so…why the hell did I have to be so hard on her afterward? I think maybe some honesty is needed. Maybe…maybe I can win back her trust. That would be a good start…
"I guess…this is probably just going to be a big ramble, but when I talked to Tevos about you, I imagined your family, asari families, as these really important and well cared for groups in your society. Really important. I figured, with the Matriarch being so important, that you were basically the equivalent of royalty, that your family would be close to this damned ideal I used to be naïve enough to believe in when I was a kid." Shepard began, trying to control her words, trying to slow her speech, without much success.
"And when I talked to you, I realized that I was an idiot, and just like every other family in the galaxy, yours has its imperfections and flaws. It kind of unnerved me, and that was both a wake-up call and something I didn't really want to face. I'd hoped that you being asari…and not being human…would mean there would be a chance that my ideal could exist with your people, but I was dead wrong. I'll always be wrong about it." Shepard reasoned while Liara stared at her intently. "I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's the main reason, I think. I know it's not fair that I expected this from you, especially with what you're going through, but…I did, and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry. I just tried to keep a distance because I had no idea how to face you, how to talk to you. Of course, it doesn't help that you're asari, either."
Liara's eyes practically burst out of her sockets as Shepard finished the last few words, and she knew she'd need to make up for that slip of the tongue. "I'm sorry, I don't mean it as a bad thing necessarily, it's just… your species kind of intimidates me."
Liara sat there with a dumbfounded look on her face for a few moments, her eyebrow markings raised in surprise. "How so?"
Shepard couldn't help but flush beet red again, not wanting to divulge her newfound aversion as the main reason why she'd been staying away from her. Still…maybe talking about it will help? She hasn't run off calling me a xenophobe yet, that's good. And she's…different than the consort…even if her eyes are ridiculous…
"It's…uh…mostly the social confidence a lot of asari seem to have. But also…that the few asari I've met personally really like to…touch me. Or say sexual things to me…and I'm not exactly used to that. Kind of freaks me out, even if I know it's totally fine and there's nothing wrong with that kind of stuff, it's just I don't normally get that kind of attention and it's really confusing and disorienting and I don't know. I'm rambling." She explained, growing redder and her speech accelerating by the moment.
Liara sat deep in thought for a moment, her face slightly scrunched up again as the asari worked over something in her head. She fought the urge to smile and just sat there, hoping the doctor would understand and let it be.
"Commander, we asari…my people believe we are all part of a single galactic community. Each species contributes something to the greater whole. Although we seek to understand other species, it seems few of them seek to understand us. The galaxy is filled with rumours and misinformation about my people." Liara began, appearing deeply concerned as she spoke. "Most of the inaccuracies are centered around our mating rituals. My species is not sexually dimorphic. 'Male' and 'female' have no real meaning for us. We still require a partner to reproduce. This second parent, however, may be of any species and any sex."
Shepard looked at the asari curiously, accepting the information, but not seeing the relevance. "So you can mate with anyone?"
"Mating is not quite the proper term. Not as you understand it. Physical contact may or may not be involved, but it is not an essential part of the union. The true connection is mental. Our physiology allows us to meld with other beings. We can touch the very depths of their minds." Liara continued, appearing slightly more nervous as her cheeks began turning a slight shade of purple.
Wait, she has freckles…purple freckles…and white ones along her…head thingies…that's kind of cute. Didn't notice that before… Shepard thought, listening to Liara as well as she could. She didn't quite understand what Liara meant by melding, but it sounded interesting. Scary, but interesting. And they don't always use touch? That's…weird. But maybe good, all things considered.
"I know there are some strange beliefs about my people. I am familiar with the legend of asari promiscuity, but those rumours have little basis in fact. When one of my people joins with another individual, it is a very deep and spiritual exchange. We do not enter lightly into a union." Liara explained, seeming to expand on what she had been discussing, but Shepard still wasn't clear how it was relevant to her own problems.
"You make it sound almost…mystical." Shepard mumbled, busy counting the freckles across Liara's nose. Either the asari didn't notice, or didn't care.
"A true union goes far beyond an ordinary meld. It is a connection that transcends the physical universe. Two become one. Thoughts and senses merge, identities intertwine, memories and emotions weave themselves together, becoming entangled in a single, rapturous whole. It is…unlike any other experience. In some cases, it can be a truly life-changing event." The asari continued. The notion of melding and unions began making a little more sense, fitting in with some of her teachings from childhood. Sounds a lot like that bible stuff. Two souls merging upon marriage and all that…maybe they're a lot more like us even culturally than I thought…
"That sounds..." Amazing? Scary? Intimidating? Beautiful? "…I don't even know what to think about that." Shepard noted under her breath, both fearful of and intrigued about such a possibility.
Liara gave Shepard an apologetic look, and shook her head slightly. "I fear I may be confusing you and have lost sight of why I began talking in the first place. I am not very good at this, am I?" Liara apologized, her body language slightly shrinking. "I'm sorry, Commander. I am merely trying to explain why…why asari might act how they act. For us, our relationships, our deepest connections, they are all mentally formed. We engage individuals as they truly are in all aspects of their person. The union, for us, is more than just sex, it is the life-blood of my species, the way we evolve and grow as a society. Touch, for us, is nothing in comparison. It is a means of communicating outside of the meld to others, of showing gratitude, friendship, comfort… and within certain contexts, pleasure. Touch means something entirely different to species reliant upon it for mating and communication, Shepard. For us, it is merely another language. If you can try and separate such expectations…I feel that perhaps you would feel less intimidated by other asari."
Shepard slowly nodded and worked over her thoughts. So when Tevos touched my leg she was just being friendly? Like…friendly friendly? But then…the consort…she…if I'm allowed to use 'she'…was definitely being sexual, but…I suppose she gave her reasoning in the end, whether I accept that or not. She did kind of separate herself from it in the end, but…I mean, it was really freaking scary but also…a little exciting, wasn't it? A little enticing…maybe that's why I'm so hung up on this, because the goddamn consort touched me a little and I'm such a desperate idiot that I get nervous around all asari now. But if touch doesn't really mean anything to the rest of them, then…maybe I am a little safe. Maybe…
"I will…definitely try, Liara." Shepard noted, before realizing she may have been making a faux pas. "Oh crap, I've been calling you by your first name this whole time, and you'd probably prefer being called Doctor, seeing as you took the time to earn that title, or even your last name, because families are important in asari culture…I'm sorry for being so clumsy tonight. Like I said, I'm really not used to this."
"It is…fine, Commander. I fear I shall not be getting much research done on the protheans in the future, throughout this mission. If you are accustomed to calling crew members by their first names, then please, do not make me an exception." The asari said. Shepard swore for a moment she saw a flicker of a smile, but chalked it up to sleepiness.
"Alright Liara. Anyway, thanks for the education on asari, I…feel I have a lot of catching up to do, so I really appreciate it. I'll try my best to get over all of this, and I'll make sure I move out of my comfort zone if necessary. I'm the commanding officer, it's my responsibility to make sure you feel welcome." Shepard stated, feeling slightly relieved that Liara hadn't stormed out of the room. Though she hadn't spoken with the doctor very much, she seemed to be reasonable, and eager to help.
"So…you do not wish me to leave the ship when we reach the Citadel?" Liara asked, requesting confirmation from Shepard. "I do not wish for you to be uncomfortable in your own ship, Commander."
"I officially request that you stay. Again, like I said before, I'd understand if you still wanted to leave, but if you stay, I'll do my very best to make sure you feel safe and valued." Shepard noted with a slight smile.
Liara let out a yawn, which became a smile soon afterward. "Thank you, Commander. This talk has been…admittedly awkward, but relieving."
"I'm glad you feel better." Shepard said, smiling. "Now get a good night's sleep. That's my first official order."
The asari merely sat in the chair and looked off to the desk where the holo-piano and Blasto plushie sat. Shepard avoided watching Liara bite her lip with indecision and instead glanced back at her desk, following her gaze.
"Will…will you play me some music before I leave?" Liara asked, shyly. Her voice was slightly above a whisper, her voice slightly groggy from the lack of sleep.
She paused for a moment as performance anxiety crept through her. Shepard felt her face blush yet again and cursed herself internally. Well, why the hell not? "Sure, but only if you call me Shepard, like everyone else."
Shepard stood up and walked over to her desk, hearing an audible crunch. She stared down at the cracked tiny object and heard a gasp erupt from her mouth as her body instinctively knelt to scoop up what was left of it. She cradled the acorns in her hand for a moment, cursing herself again for ruining such a gift, and gently placed it at the top of her holo-piano as she sat on her chair. Oh Mel, I'm so sorry…
Her hands instinctively scrolled through the menu and settled on the sheet music for an older Clint Mansell composition, which had a title that reminded her of her sister's faith and final moments. In your honour, I suppose…
Her hands softly touched the keys, gracefully planting one finger after another against the holo interface, sowing the seeds of the melody; each movement continuing the narrative as her body moved in time. She knew her teacher, Joel, would criticize her posture but it wasn't important anymore. Not during this…she thought, as her fingers danced their way through the woeful music. Her body lurched and tensed as she moved up octave, her teeth bit into her lip as she began putting the piece to rest, each partition of the composition an act of grief, of recovery, of acceptance. It was not a complex piece, but she felt it was fitting enough for her; a reminder of the promises they had made long ago, of the unconditional faith they had in each other.
Her fingers rested on the final note for a moment longer than necessary as she caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye. Shepard turned to see the sleepy asari, whom she'd momentarily forgotten about, looking at her with concern. Instinctively, she wiped her face, thankful she hadn't cried, and gave the asari as real of a smile as she could manage.
"Um…thanks for visiting, Liara. Have a good sleep." She said softly, rubbing her face again to double check, just in case. She heard Liara give thanks near the door, and heard her exit soon after. Shepard practically flopped from her seat onto her bed in exhaustion and frustration at letting herself get lost in a haze when she stepped on the acorn. Rolling around in her sheets in order to find a comfortable spot, she realized the pain in her chest was mostly gone. Strange…whatever…probably too tired to feel it. She mused to herself, taking off her self-proclaimed casual military clothing, and taking a hold of her necklace that had hid beneath her tank top. Well, Mel... I could really use you tonight, and not…not in husk form, please. I don't want to have another night like that…please…
Shepard closed her eyes and let sleep take her, exhaustion overriding any defense she could consider putting up. She tightened her grip on the necklace as she drifted into a familiar scene.
A/N: Hurray Liara/Shep chapter! Figured it would be somewhat necessary at this point. Perhaps a bit fast to get over the initial rudeness or whatever, but meh. My chapters are long and Shep's a total tryhard. :P
So, one day earlier than I had planned, but I think I'm still very good for all of November so far. I'm over 4k into chapter 14, and it's been an easy write so far. Don't think it'll take long to finish, so I should have my entire essay/exam cram period covered. Or close to it. Hurray!
Hoping all of you amazing people have a glorious Sunday, and a terrific week! And happy pre-thanksgiving to all my American readers! :D Also, as usual, big thanks to everyone who's been reading, who have added my stories to their lists, and who have reviewed…you're all very lovely people :)
So have a good week! Hope you enjoyed the chapter :D