"We have to face it: I am a total mess!"
Scorpius was pacing in the room, arms behind his back. While the blond boy was running circles in thePotters' house, Albus and James were sitting on Albus' bed, trying not to laugh out loud.
"You are not a mess, Scorpius", James tried to calm him down.
"I am! And even if I am not, I still am crazy. So damn crazy! My mind must have been replaced or something! What the hell is going on in there?"
"Okay, so if you start swearing, at least do it properly." The older Potter grinned and lay down in the bed, staring at the ceiling above him. "I should really put up a mirror. That would so improve my sex-life."
"Fuck, James! I am serious!"
"Nah, I am. At least partly."
"This joke is so old, dearest brother." Albus rolled his eyes. "Dad told us even Sirius himself said it every time as such a witty and clever comeback."
"It is a witty and clever comeback!"
"But Sirius is just your second name. That's why it isn't really funny. And because you constantly repeat it and we are all kind of sick hearing that joke."
"Well, just because you can't do a joke like..."
"Guys! I am dealing with a problem over here! Hello!"
James sighed and sat up again. "Okay, what is this huge, major problem you're dealing with?"
"I think I have a crush on your cousin."
"Which one?"
"James!" Albus nudged his brother and rolled his eyes. "Which one? Are you really asking that question? Rose, of course! Who else?"
"Well, it could be Dom. Or Hugo! Maybe Louis. Oh, wouldn't that be lovely?"
"James, you're a freaking idiot. Scorpius is not gay or bi. You are not gay or bi, are you?"
"Well, I have not been in love with a boy, so up until now I am not gay or have not discovered it yet. But that is not the point here! The point is: I need to have a girlfriend at the end of next year."
"So... clear this up for me: how did we get from wanting to fuck Rose to needing a girlfriend?"
"Oh James... how can you be so... he doesn't know, does he? I haven't told him, it's none of my business."
"I have not, no. I thought Rose might have. I did not know he does not know."
"What the hell are you talking about? What don't I know what you all know? Do I have to know?"
"In order to understand: yes, you should know." Scorpius ran his hand through his hair and sat down next to the Potter brothers.
"Then tell me! Bloody hell!"
"Well, Rose and me, we made a pact. When we are both single at the day of our graduation, we will sleep with each other, because we know it will happen at some point in time. We really like each other and we are attracted to each other. So it will happen. That is why I need a girlfriend at the end of the school year."
"What the..." James looked at him, stunned. Then he started to laugh. "That is amazing! So just sleep with her, what is the big deal?"
"I suppose our friend Scorpius is not a jerk who sleeps with a girl he has feelings for."
"Whoa, wait. So you're a jerk if you sleep with someone you like? Nice, Albus, very nice."
"That is not what I meant! I meant..."
"Let me just clear it up, okay? I do not want to sleep with Rose because I have a crush on her. And she does not have a crush on me. So if I sleep with her, I might want to be with her. And if I want to be with her and tell her, she will friend-zone me. Which would break my heart."
"Gosh, you're pathetic. Bad luck I'll be heading off to university quite soon. Otherwise I'd help you figure it out. Rose doesn't know you like her like that, does she?"
"No. I do not even know it properly. I just think I have a crush on her."
"So, she doesn't know you have a crush on her. Maybe you don't know that she has a crush on you. Maybe right now she is talking to her girlfriends about how much she really likes you and how badly she wants to avoid sleeping with you because she is so afraid you might friend-zone her."
"I do not think that is very likely. But thanks a lot for your advice, James." Scorpius shook his head and let himself fall on the bed. "Why is this so complicated?"
"It isn't. Really. We just figure out if you actually have a crush on her." Albus nudged his side and got a sheet of paper. "First of all, we write down what you like about her."
"And how's that gonna help poor Scorp to figure it out? I've got a better idea. Wait here, I'll be right back." James grinned at the boys and vanished out of the room. Before either of Scorpius and Albus could talk, James was back again, waving a magazine. "This will so help us! Got it from little Lils. I'm sure she won't miss it. Where is she?"
"I think she has a date or something." Albus shrugged his shoulders and tried to snatch the magazine out of James' hand.
"Hey, not so quick, dearest brother! She has a date? My baby-sister has a date? A proper date? When did that happen?"
"She is not even a virgin anymore. Sorry to break it to you, but that is how it is. Rose told me a while ago."
"Wait wait wait! My baby-sister had sex? When did that happen? For Merlin's sake, Scorpius! I'm freaking out now! You shouldn't have told me!"
"Well, I just want to deal with my problem now. Not with your sister having a date."
"When did you turn all bitchy?"
"You taught me, James. You are a great master in being bitchy and thinking about one's own problems and solutions." Scorpius sighed. "Look, I really do not want to argue with you or turn all bitchy and girly, but I really need to solve this problem before Rose's birthday tomorrow."
"That's what I have the magazine for. Is he really into you and How to know if you love him can easily be used for your purpose."
"You sure that works? Okay, we give it a shot."
"Wait! Would anyone like cupcakes? Mum made some and I could get them. Oh and I can get us some lemonade."
"Okay, go ahead, Al. Scorp and I will wait patiently for you to return with fairy cupcakes and pink lemonade."
Scorpius just rolled his eyes. This was ridiculous. But it was kind of fun to have a boys' talk. And Hermione's cupcakes were always amazing! She was great at baking.
Still chewing, James turned to the quiz inside the magazine. "Okay, here we go. First question for you, Scorpius. When you talk, does he... well, she, 'cause it's Rose. When you talk, does she look into your eyes? Oh, they have optional answers! A - No, she doesn't seem to care, B – Yes, mostly, C – No, she just looks at me very seductively."
"What? How am I supposed to know how Rose looks seductively? But I will go with B, since she looks me in the eyes. And sometimes she snaps out of the conversation, just starring into them blankly and then telling me how awesome they are."
"Okay, a tick for that. We can skip the second one, 'cause it is about talking on the phone and you two don't do that. The next one is great! Does she ask you to do it with her? A – If I was to offer it, she'd be all for it, B – yes, several times, C – No. Well, I know the answer to that one. She clearly asked you. This is easy! I like those muggle girl magazines. Understand why Lily and Rose are so fond of them."
"James... they are for teenage girls. You're not a teenage girl."
"Nah, but I like those quizzes. Wonder if they actually help someone making a decision. They seem to be pretty accurate. Anyway: next one! You haven't seen each other in two days. How does she react? A- she surprises you and acts as if it were two years, B – you just make out, C – she acts as if she wants two more days apart."
"Well, Rose cares if we have not seen each other in a while. Especially during the holidays. She does come to my house without me knowing it."
"And how would you describe her? A – the best, B – needy, C – she cares, she just has her own way of showing it. She's needy! Isn't she?"
"Just as much as I am. But Rose is the best, definitely."
"Don't you like someone with whom you make out all the time? Stupid question. I really only slept with girls I was attracted to, girls I liked. Not loved, but on which I had a crush. Don't know why I had such a bad reputation in school."
"Maybe because you'd a 'crush' on someone every month."
"That is so not true, Albus! I had a very serious relationship with Donna for six months!"
"Yeah, right. Forgot about her, sorry. But back to Scorp's problem. Next question?"
"Why are you attracted to her? A – Because of all the things she told me, B – I don't know, C – because she is sweet, funny, smart and super cute."
"Well... we are trying to figure out if I am attracted to her, not why! But since I have to choose... I will go with A, because our conversations were why I began to trust her and why I felt connected."
"That is so cute, it nearly gives me caries." James rolled his eyes and continued with the questions. "So... according to the test results: she is into you! Congratulations, Scorpius! Rose is into you."
"I am not quite sure if I can really trust this test." Albus shook his head. "But for the benefit of Scorpius: Yay, she's so into you!"
"Really, Albus, really? Come on, we all know this stupid test proves crab!"
"Stop swearing! At least, stop swearing like that. Scorp, I have to teach you how to swear properly. But first we need to do a second quiz to know if you are actually in love with my dearest cousin Rose Nymphadora Weasley."
"James, suck it up! I do not want to do another awful test which proves nothing but that people who believe in it are stupid and naive."
"But it was fun." James grinned and tossed away the magazines. "So, what's up next? I wanna watch a movie. Does Mum have more cupcakes? I want more cupcakes and some lemonade."
"James, sometimes you are like a little boy. But I do want to have cupcakes, too. So, Al, does your mum have more?"
"I am sure she has. Why don't you two choose a movie and I get us cupcakes and lemonade and popcorn."
When Albus came back, James and Scorpius had already closed the blinds and popped in a DVD.
"Seriously, guys? You chose 50 First Dates?"
"Hey! It is an awesome movie! Adam Sandler is hilarious! And Scorp hasn't seen it yet! Did you bring popcorn?"
"Well yes I did." Albus climed into bed with the two of them, sharing his popcorn and the cupcakes. Sure, they couldn't help Scorpius properly. They couldn't figure out if he really had a crush on Rose, but maybe her birthday the next day would clear his mind. In the meantime, Scorpius enjoyed being with his male friends.