Clumsy Chapter 16: The past is the present, a gilmore girls fanfic

Chapter 15: The past is the present and the present is deadly

Everybody makes mistakes; it's the defining attribution that makes each of us human

But every once in a while we make a mistake so big

So unforgivable, that it changes our lives forever.

Hartford Memorial 3am

Rory's POV

What the hell is that noise? I look around in search of the noise piercing my eardrums, and start to panic when I see nothing but darkness. There's a sudden pressure around my upper arm getting tighter and tighter by the second and that's when I really start to freak out. I yank my arm away from whatever was causing my blood flow to stop and feel something sharp rip through my hand. A shriek echoed throughout the room, bouncing off of every hard surface and it takes me a full minute to realize that the cries are coming from my own lips. Suddenly there's a voice at my side … it's Tristan; he sounds just as panicked and is shouting at somebody.

'What's wrong with her?'

'She ripped her IV out! Push the button for the nurse hurry!'

Colin, IV? Why are they talking to each other like I'm not here? Why is it so damn dark in here? I can't see anything. I abruptly realize that my eyes are closed; I attempt to open em but can't, which scares me even more. Somebody starts talking to me in a soft tone just loud enough for me to understand but not loud enough for me to make out who it is. They're stroking my forehead, pushing my hair back and making shushing sounds.

'It's alright baby; mommy's here. It's going to be OK.'

My mom is here? She's supposed to be in London, what is she … something stabbed through my hand once again and I let out another scream, afraid because I couldn't understand what was happening; couldn't see the one person I wanted to see the most right now, the only person that had the ability to calm my nerves.

'Lorelai honey you need to calm down. I'm replacing you're IV.'

'Her name's Rory.'

There was a bite to my Mom's voice that made me smile, or at least I think I was smiling. All of a sudden it occurred to me that if I was able to scream then I must be able to speak.

'Tristan?'

My voice didn't come out as loud as I wanted it to but it was there and that was all that mattered. It surprised me though when his name came from my mouth, apparently it surprised everyone else as well because the noise around me stopped; everything but the loud beeping.

'Rory honey?'

'Mom?'

'Yea babe it's me. How yah feeling kiddo?'

'I can't'

I cough and suddenly there's a straw stuffed between my lips; I cough again once I take a small drink.

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

It was Tristan; he was on my left side.

'I can't open my eyes.'

'What?'

'My eyes; I can't see.'

'What's wrong with her?'

It was Colin again; he was at the foot of my bed. I found it amazing how a lack of eyesight heightened every other one of my senses, I could smell my mothers perfume like she had sprayed it in my face. The tapping of Colin's foot sounded as if he was stomping; the erratic beating of Tristan's heart was so loud that it was like listening to my own.

'Her body hasn't completely caught up with her brain; which is completely normal due to everything it's been through recently.'

There was somebody else talking now, most likely the doctor. He had an accent, Italian? I wonder what he looks like … how horrible am I? I'm lying in a hospital bed surrounded by the people who love me and are worried about me and here I am not able to open my eyes but having no problem wondering if the Italian doctor is hot. What is wrong with me?

'What does that mean?'

'Although her brain is functioning normally again, her body's natural instinct is to shut down until it feels one hundred percent; she's exhausted herself. Mrs. Hayden, we're going to give her a mild sedative to let her rest.'

'You're going to knock her out again? She just woke up!'

'Colin!'

'Sorry.'

I could practically see the admonishing look on my mother's face, the look that always made him look like he was six years old again and being scolded. I herd a chair being dragged across the floor coming to a stop on my left, where Tristan stood. A second later a warm hand wrapped around my cold hand; I knew the touch instantly, it was Tristan. His skin was soft but tight against his muscles, a very manly feeling; a safe feeling. He picked up my hand and held it to his lips; the beeping noise above my head picked up and in response the thing wrapped around my arm began to tighten. I felt Tristan smirk against my skin and let out a small laugh as everyone began to panic around him. If I weren't so afraid of ripping the needle from my hand once again, I would have slapped him in the head.

'Morning Mary.'

It was just a whisper against my hand, but I herd him clear as day and had to smile at his words.

'There's the smile I've been waiting for all night. How are you feeling?'

The beeping picked up again; stupid thing is starting to irritate me. Why doesn't somebody turn the damn thing off? And why the hell can I smile but not open my damn eyes?

'Like crap. You?'

He laughed that husky laugh of his so I held my breath, trying to keep the machine at a steady pace; it worked.

'Like crap.'

He grew quiet and interlaced his fingers with mine then sighed. The room was silent, where the hell did everybody go?

'They went out to talk, didn't wanna stress you out anymore.'

Oh. Wait did I say that out loud? Whatever.

'Mary.'

Oh no, that voice; he sounded like his heart was breaking, or like he had just broken every single bone in his body. I suddenly feel like there's something sitting on my chest cutting off all of my oxygen.

'Why didn't you tell me Ror?'

There was something wet on my knuckles … was he crying? Now it's on my cheeks, is it possible that it's raining inside?

'Rory open you're eye's. Look at me Ror, I need you to look at me.'

What is he talking about? He can't possibly think that I'm keeping my freaking eyes closed on purpose! Right? Why would I do something like that; because I'm afraid of what I'll see once I do? He's right. I'm not ready to have all the sympathetic smiles thrown at me; and most of all I'm not ready to see what is sure to be in his eyes. Betrayal, failure – mine not his - and the worst is the sadness, the heartbreaking, bone shatteringly painful sadness that I heard in his voice. I wasn't ready to see it yet. I've seen it in my cousins eyes, my aunt and uncles eyes my grandparent's and Mother and Father's eyes; I can't handle seeing it in Tristan's.

'Rory please.'

I shook my head from right to left while a sob formed in my throat and my eyes squeezed painfully shut.

'Why?'

His voice shook which made the sob start to burn, forcing my mouth open and letting it escape in a heart shattering cry. My body began to shake with the sobs and he mumbled something before lifting me up a little so he could sit beside me. His arms wrapped around me and his lips were pressed firmly to the top of my head.

'I'm sorry Rory, I'm so sorry.'

Why is he apologizing?

'I'm so sorry. God.'

I hear footsteps out in the hall and they stop in front of my room for about ten seconds before retreating back the way they came.

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Lorelai walked into the dimly lit waiting room, with her hand covering her mouth and her eyes filled with tears. Christopher and Colin were the first ones to see her and instantly jumped to they're feet panicked.

'What's wrong? What happened?'

She shook her head and smiled apologetically at everyone around her; who now consisted of Louise, Colin, Christopher and her parent's. Finn and Madeline had practically been forced into taking a very grumpy Sean home, who in turn insisted that Paris return home as well, seeing as how she was injured and needed all the rest she could get. The argument went on for what seemed like hours before Christopher finally put his foot down and ordered everyone to go home and get some rest. After a lot of begging and guilt tripping, Louise managed to get him to let her stay, that and Colin had told his uncle that she could keep him company, seeing as how Tristan hadn't left Rory's side once since they had moved her to her room. To say that the other teens were upset with the arrangement was an understatement, but Sean and Paris seemed to be the ones the most effected by it; both for totally different reasons of course.

Colin's parent's had returned home shortly after Chris and Lorelai had arrived, they had left Melinda, Colin's four year old sister and Matthew, his ten year old brother, home alone with the family cook who had a family of her own waiting at home for her.

Straub and Francine had left not long after that, after a little persuasion from Chris of course. The moment they had arrived, Francine had been on Lorelai's case, not so subtly blaming her for her granddaughter's problem. Even Emily who usually was the first to agree with her daughter's mother in law, was second's from putting the women in her place.

'Nothing, she's fine. She's awake, sitting up and everything.'

Louise and Colin's faces lit up and they moved to go around her but she stopped them.

'She and Tristan are talking right now; maybe you should give them a minute?'

They nodded simultaneously before continuing out to wait in the hallway. Emily and Richard said something about going to take the kids to the cafeteria and calling everybody to let them know she was OK, then exited with they're hand's entwined. Christopher waited for them to be safely out of sight before looking at his wife again. She was shaking from head to toe. He wrapped his arms around her as she broke down crying.

'Chris we almost lost her!'

'I know.'

His voice began to shake and the tears that had filled his eyes the instant he saw her walk in crying, streamed down his face and he pulled her tighter to his body

'I know.'

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Emily and Richard walked about twenty steps ahead of Louise and Colin as they made they're way to the cafeteria in the basement. They had both politely declined the offer, but were told that they needed to have something in they're stomachs or they would be in the room next to Rory. They quickly realized that the two older Gilmore's were simply trying to keep busy while waiting to see they're granddaughter, so they agreed and followed them with smiles on they're face's. Louise had her arm linked with Colin's and her head leaning on his shoulder as they walked. She was thinking about everything that had happened that night and how quickly everything she thought she knew had changed. Level headed Rory, who had never done an illegal thing in her life, was addicted to pain medication and had landed herself in the hospital by over dowsing on vicodin and vodka; a deadly combination. Colin, who she considered her best friend above anybody else, who she told everything to and knew everything about, had kept this secret from her not trusting her enough to share his pain with; And Sean and Paris, who were happy and in love with each other, were hanging on by a thread. She had seen the look in Paris's eyes tonight; she watched with Sean by her side as her friend followed every single movement Colin made as if her very next breath depended on it. The jealousy that flared in the other blondes eyes when he had asked his Uncle if she could stay with him, didn't go unnoticed either. When had everything gotten so screwed up? When had Rory become so depressed that she no longer wanted to live? When had Paris fallen out of love with her boyfriend and fallen in love with they're best friend?

'Hey, what are you thinking about?'

She jumped slightly as his voice broke the silence in the long hallway, then quickly regained her composure and smiled with a small shake of her head.

'Everything. Tonight has been … insane.'

'Yea I know; I'm sorry you must be exhausted. I'll take you home as soon as I see Rory I promise.'

'Right, coz I'm just dying to go home. I'm fine silly, don't even worry about it. I wanted to stay, remember? '

Colin sighed and leaned his head against hers.

'I never got the chance to ask you how you're doing.'

'I'll be fine as soon as I see her; it's all just kind of surreal still.'

'Yea; but I mean … thing's with you're mom seem to be getting worse.'

'My Dad has been away a lot lately; she's just stressing. And we both know I don't make things any easier on her.'

She tried to laugh it off but he knew what she was doing.

'Lou.'

The smile fell from her face and her eyes became heavy with unshed tears; she turned her head away from the Gilmore's, bringing her lips an inch from his ear.

'They're talking about divorce.'

Colin froze and then pulled away from her so he could see her hidden face. She smiled sadly then detangled herself from him and picked up her speed. He watched her walk away, not knowing what to do; how to make things better. Emily and Richard came to a stop in front of a row of elevators, followed immediately by a smiling Louise. She spoke to the elder Gilmore's then turned around with a curious expression on her face. Realizing that he had stopped walking and they were more then half way down the hall, he jogged over to them.

'What were you doing young man?'

'I'm sorry Grandma I saw that my shoe was untied and got distracted thinking about everything.'

Colin's paternal grandparent's had died in a plane accident when his father was twelve years old, so growing up he could never understand why other kids had two set's of grandparent's and he only got one. When he turned six and he and his parent's had moved to Hartford from New York and he had begun to spend all of his time with Chris and Rory, he had taken to referring to the Gilmore's as his grandparent's and nobody ever corrected him. Growing up, Emily and Richard treated him no differently then they're blood grandchildren and now the fact didn't even occur to them anymore; he was they're grandson.

'Of course. Well come now, lets get you children something to eat. Although I can't really imagine what there could be in this place that would be of any nutrition.'

'Now Emily it's a hospital, I'm sure they know one or two thing's about healthy food.'

'Please Richard, these doctor's work twenty, thirty hour shifts, the only thing they care about is getting something in they're stomach and getting to a bed.'

Louise and Colin laughed as the doors to the elevator shut.

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'What are we going to do?'

Lorelai sighed and turned in her seat so she could better see her husband who sat a seat away from her holding her hand across the empty seat between them and absentmindedly rubbing circles on her hand with his thumb.

'I don't know.'

'Lore I think that maybe she need's to go back to rehab.'

She pulled her hand out of his grasp and shook her head while laughing incredulously.

'What?'

'Our daughter almost died tonight Chris.'

'I understand that, I also understand that it only happened because she has a problem.'

'And you don't think I know that?'

'I think you're in denial.'

'Denial? She's lying in a hospital Christopher! How could I possibly be in denial?'

He didn't respond, she was angry and he knew better then to start an argument in public.

'You are unbelievable do you know that? She's not here because she has a problem; she's here because she depressed. And those damn pills are the only way she knows how to make it stop, if even for just a little while. Can you imagine how easy it must be for her? Knowing exactly how to get rid of all the pain? Hell I'd take the damn pills if I wasn't such an effing coward!'

'Are you condoning this?'

'Of course not!'

'Well it sure as hell sounds like it!'

Now he was angry, screw public.

Lorelai sighed and stood up, trying to think of a different approach.

'Every time I say I've got work and I disappear for days at a time, throwing myself into the inns. Every time you fill that damn glass with scotch or jump on that stupid plane to god knows where. Every time one of us runs away, that's our escape from it!'

Tears were once again filling her eyes and her voice had become heavy with emotion. Chris simply sat back and stared at her, not knowing what to say.

'All this time we've been trying to ease our pain, take care of ourselves, but we forgot about her Chris, we forgot that her heart was broken and she's dying Christopher! We left her when Chris left us and we forgot to take care of her, the one person he cared about the most in this world, the only thing that ever really mattered to him. We left her here to pick up the pieces all on her own never thinking that she couldn't handle it, she did the only thing that made any sense to her!'

'OK I understand, she need's to deal with her pain, but she's got to find a different way of doing it, and I think rehab is exactly what she needs to do that.'

'God, how can you not get it? I'm not saying she doesn't need to go to rehab; I'm just saying not right now. Right now she needs us! Her parent's, the people who were supposed to make sure something like this never happened to her. We were supposed to be there for them Christopher and we weren't. We weren't there for Chris when he asked for our help and now he's gone; I won't lose Rory to.'

She walked out of the room without another word. Christopher sat in his chair staring at the empty hallway and breathing heavily, without another thought he stood and walked out the hospital exit and didn't dare to look back.

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'Hey kid.'

'Hey.'

Tristan slowly moved away from Rory careful not to wake her. He led Lorelai to the far corner of the room so they could talk.

'How long has she been out?'

'The medicine kicked in about ten minutes ago.'

'How was she? I saw you guy's talking, wanted to give you some privacy.'

'I can't believe any of this is happening.'

He pulled his hand through his already messy hair and rubbed his tired eyes.

'I know honey; I'm sorry we didn't tell you when we found out but she asked us not to.'

'Yea that's what Colin said.'

He shook his head trying to get rid of the sick feeling in his stomach and decided to change the subject.

'She didn't say much just that she felt like crap and I really couldn't understand anything else; she cried herself to sleep.'

Lorelai exhaled a long breath and sat down in a chair. While watching her daughter sleep, she spoke to Tristan in a hushed voice.

'Her father wants to send her back to California.'

'What about you?'

'I agree with him of course; but I think right now what she needs more then anything is to be here with the people who love her.'

Copying her action's he sat on the edge of the window and stared sadly at Rory.

'How could I have missed something like this?'

'Hey we all missed it kiddo. It's nobody's fault; losing Chris just – broke her.'

'How did you guy's find out?'

There was a distant look in her eyes as she remembered that day over a year ago.

'Do you remember when Carmen slipped in the kitchen awhile back?'

'Yea, she banged up her knee pretty badly.'

'Yea. Well, the pills the doctor gave her for the pain were to strong for her so he told her to take half of one when ever she needed it, instead of the whole pill. Well about a week or so later she started noticing that the pills were disappearing faster then she was taking em. Five, then ten every few days, by the end of the third week the bottle was empty and she needed to get a new prescription. You know Carmen though, always wants to leave the worst case scenario for last, so she just assumed that she had miss counted while taking em, or that maybe somebody had spilled em and felt to bad to admit it … yah know stuff like that; so anyway she didn't say anything. A week later, half the bottles gone, and there were like a hundred pills in it or something like that. So that day Colin comes by saying that Rory's acting funny and that she wasn't there after school when the driver came to pick them up. You probably remember most of the stuff she did at school, mostly acting out, ditching, things like that.'

Tristan nodded, remembering exactly when she was talking about. He had asked anybody who would listen if they knew what was going on with her but nobody had any clue; then not to long after that she disappeared, to Paris.

'Then thing's started getting bad, she came home that night high, we could all see it. Colin was there with us and we sat her down and asked her what was going on, she denied everything of course. Then we told her that we knew she had taken the pills and that we weren't angry with her, we just needed to know so that we could help her. She went crazy, screaming and throwing thing's, she punched Colin right in the jaw.'

Lorelai touched her face lightly, never taking her eyes off of Rory. Tristan's eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and surprise; he remembered that as well. Colin had showed up to school one day after a week of being absent and ignoring phone calls and visits, with a black and purple bruise marring his right cheek. When they had asked him what had happened, his reply was never really clear; the frightening thing was that Rory, small fragile looking Rory, had put that bruise there.

'Knocked a few teeth out'

'How could I have not heard any of this? I was right next door.'

'I don't know. We found out later though, when she was in rehab, that she had been on something else, meth. It had only been a few times, but still … God if you would have seen her Tristan, it's hard to look at her the same sometimes, knowing what she's been through. She love's you kid, don't doubt that; you're lucky you didn't know, trust me.'

They were both quiet for a long time after that just listening to the beeping of the heart monitor and watching as she slept peacefully, both fearing what would happen come morning.

A/N: OK so I'm really into this story right now which is why the updates have been so close together lol … I had to cut a lot off of the end of this chapter and start a new one because if I didn't then it was going to go on forever. I've been neglecting my other FF because I've been so fascinated by this story lol that's the correct word too fascinated …. I never seem to write enough because I'm so interested in where the characters are going (in my head) and I can't wait to get there lol. I love writing this fic and I hope you all are enjoying it as well. Thank you all for the awesome reviews, you honestly have no idea how humbling it is to read them. Thank you all Hope to hear from you all.

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