Chapter 21:
When the bomb goes off

1 week later
-

Rory sat in the in the waiting room of her Psychiatrist's office, a text book in her lap and Dizzy by Goo Goo Dolls playing through her ear buds. No matter how hard she tried to find the value of x, all she could focus on was her Mom sitting next to her, phone in hand, texting away. She'd been at it since that morning when she'd woken her up to inform her that she wouldn't be going to school and that not only had she moved up her appointment but she would be taking her to it as well. It had pretty much been radio silence since and it was making her nervous. She was just about to rip the ear phones from her ear's and demand that her mother tell her what was going on, when the door to Doctor Kellerman's office opened and both she and her patient stepped out.
The older woman said her goodbyes and then turned to Rory and Lorelai with a pleasant smile on her face. 'Good morning ladies.'
With a forced smile, Rory shoved her books and iPod into her bag. She stood up and glanced at Lorelai who was placing her phone in her purse, it was the first time she had put it down all day. 'I guess I'll see you in an hour?'
Doctor Kellerman stepped forward and touched Rory on the shoulder. 'Actually Rory, your Mother has asked to join us today. Is that ok with you?' She gave her the kind of smile that told her it wasn't really a question she could say no to.
She shrugged nervously and pulled her bag higher up her shoulder. 'Sure. I guess.'
'Wonderful. Right this way ladies.' Rory gave her mother another look trying to gauge what this could possibly be about, but her sunglasses made that impossible .
With the door shut behind them and everybody seated, Doctor Kellerman crossed her legs and smiled. 'So how are we doing today Rory?'
She had to force herself to smile back and not roll her eyes. 'Good.' Her gaze shifted between the two women. 'Is something wrong?' Lorelai cleared her throat and pushed her dark sunglasses up on top of her head revealing her puffy red eyes. Worried she scooted closer and reached out for her Mom's hand. 'What's wrong?' When Lorelai didn't look at her or respond Rory looked to the doctor. 'What's going on?'
'Your Mother has some concerns.' Confused she looked again to Lorelai who's gaze was still averted from her own.
She looked back to the doctor with a feeling of dread in her stomach. 'Concerns about what?'
'She believes that you may be taking pills again.'

Despite the calm tone in her voice, Rory felt her stomach drop. 'What?' She glanced at Lorelai in a panic and shook her head. 'Mom no. I'm not.'
Lorelai closed her eyes and shook her head. 'Don't.' Her voice shook and Rory watched as a tear left a trail along her cheek. She opened her eyes, slowly pulled her hand from hers and picked up her purse. She sniffled as she she pulled the zipper back. 'Carmen found these in your closet yesterday when she was putting your clothes away.' Rory felt like the wind was being knocked out of her as her Mom pulled a bottle of codeine from her purse. Her heart beat sped up and she started to shake her head.
'Oh god.'
Lorelai placed the pills into the doctors outstretched hand. As the older women turned the bottle in her hand she pushed her glasses up her nose. She glanced up at Rory. 'The name has been removed.' Rory let out a strangled breath and hunched over. Doctor Kellerman sat forward. 'Rory are you ok?' She shook her head violently as she started to cry.
'I can't – I can't breathe – I can't breathe.' She gasped out.
On auto pilot Lorelai got up and sat on the coffee table in front of her and grabbed her hand.'Hey. Hey look at me.' When Rory shook her head Lorelai lifted her face up toward her. 'Breathe with me.' She inhaled a deep breath and Rory let out another sob.
'Mom – I – I can't.'
Tears falling from her own eyes Lorelai grasped both of Rory's hands in hers and pressed them to her chest. 'Feel. Come on baby. In and out.' She inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rory struggled to keep pace with her as Lorelai held her gaze. 'There you go.' She inhaled another deep breath and let it out.
A few minutes passed and her breathing evened out, but the tears continued to fall. Doctor Kellerman left to get her a glass of water. She shook her head sadly. 'Mom, I'm so sorry.'
Lorelai watched her for a second; she tucked a fallen strand of hair behind Rory's ear and wiped the tears from her cheek. 'I know.'
When the door opened and the doctor came in with a mug of water, Lorelai got back up and sat down beside her. 'How are you feeling?' She handed her the glass and Rory took a tentative sip.
'Kind of nauseous.' She held her stomach and put the glass on the table.
'Do you think you can talk about it now?' With a small nod, Rory wiped her eyes. 'When did you start taking them again?'
She shook her head. 'I haven't.'
Lorelai sighed. 'Rory, we're not going to be angry with you. Just don't lie.'
With a pause she placed her hand over her stomach, the need to throw up burned in the back of her throat. She refused to look at Lorelai as hot tears slid down her cheeks. She spoke slowly. 'I got them last week. Louise and I were at the market and I saw a friend of mine that used to' She stopped and whipped at her tears. 'Anyway I told her I had to use the restroom and' She chanced a quick glance at her Mom, then at Doctor Kellerman. With a shaky breath she looked down. 'I've only taken them twice since then.' She caught the two women sharing a skeptical look. 'Don't you think if I were lying I would have noticed that they were missing?'
Lorelai nodded slowly. 'OK. Say you're telling the truth.' When Rory moved to interrupt her she held up a hand. 'Rory I want believe you, but you've got to admit that you haven't given me much reason to.' Ashamed, Roy's gaze returned to her hands and she remained silent. 'Now say you are telling me the truth, why did you buy them?'
Doctor Kellerman leaned forward on her knees and her eyes narrowed in interest. 'That's a good question.' She commented thoughtfully. Her voice remained soft and void of any judgment. 'What were you feeling at that moment that made you think you needed them?'
She shrugged and shook her head. 'I don't know.'
'Has anything been bothering you?'
Rory laughed and pushed her hair back out of her face. 'You mean other then the fact that I can't walk two steps in this town without being reminded of Chris? Or how about how every one of my friends keeps looking at me like I'm some – freak'
Lorelai titled her head to the side sympathetically and squeezed Rory's knee. 'You know they don't think that. They love you.'
'I know that Mom, but it doesn't change anything. They still look at me like – like – like they need to hide their wallets or something. And how can I blame them?' She choked on her words as she cried. 'I stole from my – best friend. I put them through – hell that night and I've been lying to them for – years. How can they not think I'm some sort of freak?'
The doctor sat up straight and inhaled a deep breath, she watched Rory for a few seconds, studying her. 'I'm struggling with believing that you actually believe that.'
'What do you mean?' She snipped defensively
'Well first of all, from what you told me of your friend's … they aren't a very judgmental group. Am I correct in that assumption?' After a short unsure pause, Rory lifted a shoulder and nodded subtly. 'So I'm left to wonder if it's your friend's that think of you as a, freak, as you put it, or if perhaps that is how you've come to view yourself?' This time Rory looked away without a word. With a sigh the doctor sat back in her chair. 'I know you've heard this before, but I'm going to say it anyway. Addiction is an illness Rory, you are in no more control of it then somebody with any other illness. In no way shape or form are you a freak. Do you understand me? You are a beautiful intelligent young lady who has not only her entire future ahead of her, but can make it absolutely whatever she wants it to be.' Rory wiped her cheeks and inhaled deeply. 'Now, I know you've expressed to me in the past, that you're not ready to discuss your brother yet. Is that still the case?' Rory lifted one shoulder in a shrug. 'I ask because I don't want to upset you with what I say next.' She looked to Lorelai now. 'Mrs. Hayden I fear that what you're daughter needs right now isn't something she can get from me alone.' She turned her attention swiftly to Rory who was staring at her in confusion. ' I believe that you may be, unintentionally, using the loss of your brother as a - crutch.' When she saw tears spring to her eyes she continued on. 'I'm not saying that losing Christopher isn't a major factor, I'm just saying that it's only one of what could be - many.' She gestured widely with her hand. 'And I believe that while we can find them together, if you're constantly being reminded of the loss and the pain and you don't know how to deal with it without relapsing ... then it will all be for not.'
Rory sucked in a shaky breath and Lorelai squeezed her hand. She looked from her daughter to the doctor, half expecting what was coming next. 'What are you suggesting?'
Doctor Kellerman lips tightened into a thin line then released with a soft pop. ' I believe that a rehabilitation program would be in her best interest.' A small sob burst out of Rory and she struggled to catch her breath. 'And I also believe that it needs to be a live in program.'
'What? No! Mom!' She looked frantically to her mother who was staring off into the distance with her hand over her mouth. 'You're wrong! You have no idea what you're talking about!' She glared at Doctor Kellerman who remained calm.
'Rory I truly believe that unless you remove yourself from your current environment, you're never going to learn how to deal with it without hurting yourself. You would benefit so greatly from being around other people who know what you are going through.'

Rory shook her head and turned back to her mom with wide eyes filled with fear. 'Mom you promised! You told me I wasn't going to have to leave again!'
Lorelai looked at her with tears swimming in her eyes. 'Rory if its what is going to help you get better'
'No! I don't need it!'
'Rory let's try to calm down.' Said Doctor Kellerman soothingly.
'I don't want to calm down! And I don't need rehab!' She jumped up, grabbing her bag in the process and ran out the door, ignoring the calls of her name fading behind her.

-
Hartford Memorial Park
-

He'd gotten the text in the middle of his free period. At the Park need 2 see u asap... jst u! Plz hry! In a panic he'd jumped up from the table and rushed from the library where he'd been "studying" with Sean and Finn, ignoring them as they called after him in confusion. He knew that she'd stayed home from school because Lorelai had wanted to take her to her psychiatrist appointment, she'd told him as much when he had showed up to take her to school; the why behind it neither of them knew and he'd been stressing over it all day. The text only made it worse. He spotted her as soon as he pulled into the parking lot, she was only one of about five people in the entire park, two of which were small children and all of whom were on the opposite side of the large park. She was standing behind a tree with her hood up over her head and chewing on her nails. She kept looking around nervously. When she saw his car pulling to a stop she ran out from behind the tree and towards him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He rushed forward and caught her as she tossed herself into his arms. 'Rory what is it? What's wrong?' She continued to cry as she mumbled against his shoulder. He pulled her back and moved her hair out of her eyes. 'Baby I can't understand you. You need to calm down.'
She shook her head and her lips pouted. 'It was a mistake Tris, I didn't mean to do it.'

Now he shook his head. 'Didn't mean to do what?'
'I didn't mean to do it again I swear. I just, I saw Daniel and the next thing I knew I was buying them.'
It finally dawned on him what she was talking about and his stomach felt sick. 'You're taking pills again?'
She shook her head frantically as he dropped his arms to his sides and her eyes grew wide. 'No. No! Tris I swear, it was only twice and then I stopped because I knew! I knew how much it would hurt you guy's! So I stopped and I was going to get rid of them I swear but then Carmen, she found them and the stupid shrink told my mom that I need rehab and' He stepped back and she stepped forward frantically. 'Tris she want's to send me away!'
With a deep breath he stepped back toward her, she looked so scared. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered to her soothingly. What she needed right now wasn't her boyfriend to be angry or feel betrayed, what she needed was her best friend to hold her and tell her it was going to be ok, to make her feel safe. 'It's alright Mare. Come on, let's go sit down.' He led her back over to her tree and they sat cross-legged across from each other. He dropped his key's on the ground beside his leg and smoothed his hand over her hair, pushing the hood off. 'OK. Why don't you take a second and then start over.'
She inhaled a deep breath and tried to calm down. After her tears had slowed to the point that she was able to breathe normally, she began to tell him everything that had happened. When she was done, the tears were back in her eyes threatening to fall. 'Tris I don't want to be away from you.' She reached forward and grabbed his hand.
It took him a moment to work up the courage to say what he needed to say. 'I don't want to be away from you either Rory, but'
A smile spread across her face and she shook her head. 'No, no but's. That's it. You don't want to be away from me and I don't want to be away from you and I know how we can stay together.' She was talking to quickly, making it nearly impossible for him to keep up. 'We can go.'
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. 'Go?'
She nodded and scooted closer grabbing his other hand. 'Me and you, we can get away from this place and never look back.'
It was a full five seconds before he understood what she was saying. 'You want to run away?' She smiled hopefully and he shook his head. 'Rory, we can't run away.'
She dropped his hands. 'You don't want to be with me?'
'I love you, you know that I love you.' He picked her hand back up.
Hope glistened in her eyes. 'Then come with me.'
'Rory what you're talking about, it's insane.'
She yanked her hand away like he'd burned her. 'You think I'm crazy?'
'What? No, that's not what I meant. All I'm saying is that … maybe your doctor is right, maybe rehab would help you.'
'Tristan I've done rehab, I can't go through it again. I don't need to.'
'It wouldn't be like the last time Rory. You wouldn't be on your own, everyone will be there for you.' He placed his hand under her chin and turned her back to face him when she looked away with tears in her eye's. 'I'll be there for you, every step of the way.'
She inhaled a shaky breath and tears slid down her cheeks. 'You will?'
He smiled. 'Of course.' She took another deep breath and looked around the park, after a minute she closed her eye's. He wiped her tears away with his thumb. 'OK?' She let out long breathe, opened her eyes, smiled and nodded. He smiled back in relief. 'OK. How about we get out of here? Go get some lunch or something? Then we can go home and talk to your Mom.' He didn't know if it was the right idea, but he knew they needed to do something to occupy her mind and it was all he could think of.
He practically sighed in relief when she gave another nod. 'OK.' She ran her hand through her hair and then wiped her cheeks. 'Ugh. Let me just go get cleaned up and put some make-up on to cover up this mess.' He squeezed her hand as she started to get up. Suddenly she stopped and leaned forward on her knees, she placed her hands on either side of him and touched her lips to his in a soft kiss that lasted a few beats longer then he expected. When she pulled back she leaned her forehead against his and touched her hand to his cheek. 'I love you too.' He didn't have the time feel the weight of hearing her say those words to him for the first time because before he knew it she was up and and walking toward the bathroom, her bag over her shoulder. He figured the last thing she needed was for him to make a big deal out of it so he let her go, deciding that there would be more then enough time for him to kiss her senseless later.
It was fifteen minutes later that he admitted to himself that she had been gone entirely to long to just be doing her make-up. The fear started as a burning in his throat then moved it's way down like acid. He jumped up and ran across the park toward the bathrooms, as he rounded the corner of the building where the girls bathroom was, the fear dropped heavily into the pit of his stomach. Sitting atop a metal water fountain that was attached to the wall of the building was her cell phone. As he walked closer he saw that it was weighing down a piece of paper. His hands shook as he reached for the items. The two small words written in her loopy scrawl were enough to break his heart. I'm sorry.Even though he knew in his gut that she wouldn't be there, his eyes scanned the park for any sign of her, his feet carried him at a run back around the building towards his car. He reached his hand into his pocket for his keys and found that they were empty. That's when the fear began to burn in his eyes and he remembered dropping them idly beside his leg, right where she'd placed her hand before kissing him; or now he knew – before saying goodbye.

AN: WOW is this chapter wayyyy over due! I am so very ashamed and sorry for the lack of updates guys! I seriously hope nobody hates me, especially after this chapter! Good news? I've already got Chapter 22 half finished so the next update should NOT be that far away. I promise! Now bad news ... I don't know where I'm going with this story anymore! When I first started it I had the entire thing laid out in my head, but as you all know that was a very long time ago. I've grown and changed and have learned so much over this time that it was only logical that eventually it would change my voice in my writing as well. I know that at times you all are going to be thinking ... 'what is she thinking?' but I really hope you all stick with me because I can honestly tell you that, now that I'm not telling myself, OK this is how this needs to end, I've become excited about writing this story again! I have to believe that, that excitement is only going to bare something that in the end I will be proud of and that you all will hopefully be happy with. I can't give you an answer as to how many more chapter's there will be because like I said, I have no idea what is coming next. I thank you all for sticking with me this far, all of your kind words and encouragement makes me happy beyond words. So thank all of you! Lot's of Love Always! Until next time ...