Chapter 35 Who's Vanitas?
Ven kicks the door shut with a slam and stands catching his breath surveying his room which is still as bright and comforting as ever. It makes him sick.
The footsteps coming down the hall on the other side of the now shut door make him stiffen. He shouldn't be surprised that Master Eraqus hadn't let him off so easy. As soon as they had landed back home, Ven had run away from the older man and come here to be alone with his confused and painful thoughts. But now Master Eraqus is right outside the door.
"Ventus?" Master Eraqus calls quietly through the door. "Ventus I know you're in there. Please open the door."
Ven doesn't reply holding his breath as he leans his back against the door. He slowly slides to the floor without a sound and waits for the telltale sound of footsteps to indicate Master Eraqus walking away to leave him to his miseries.
Instead, "Ventus, I'm here for you. I want you to feel safe," Master Eraqus pauses but Ven still remains silent. With a sigh Master Eraqus continues, "I don't know what happened to you today. I can't help you unless you tell me." Again he pauses and for a moment Ven almost opens his mouth to tell all, but he can't. He just...can't.
"Whenever you want to talk about...anything," Master Eraqus says after a few moments of silence, "I'll be here to listen."
With that, Master Eraqus' retreating footsteps slowly move away and Ven is left alone with his tortured thoughts. He remains sitting against the door for over an hour just staring vacantly at the opposite wall without really seeing it. His stupor is broken by a soft knock at the door.
"Ven?" Aqua's voice is muffled by the door. "Ven are you going to come out for dinner?"
Ven doesn't reply and after a moment Aqua's footsteps leave him in silence again. Sighing, he gets to his feet and locks the door to his room. Shrugging off Master Eraqus' robe, he moves to his wardrobe and throws on a T-shirt. For moment he regards himself in the mirror on the inside of the door. He looks small, sad, and scared. He looks...weak.
Ven closes the wardrobe firmly before moving to his bed and flopping down. As Ven lies on his back on top of the covers of his bed. He tries to keep his mind blank and avoid all memories of the day, but the harder he tries the more he thinks about it all. Keric and Tay. The palace and the clearing. The hurt and the loss. The past. The past he is trying so hard to get away from. The past that won't let him go.
Unable to sit still any longer, Ven gets to his feet and begins to pace. It all hurt so much. He hates Keric. He hates Tay for leaving him. He hates himself.
It was all his fault. Tay's death, the massacre in Whin, his imprisonment, Keric's abuse. All because he was too weak to be alone. He should have sent Tay away, if he had Tay would still be alive. He shouldn't have gone to Whin, if he hadn't those innocent people wouldn't have had to die and he wouldn't have gone to prison. And Keric...what if he had thrown off his advances right away? Keric had been right, Ven had loved him when they had first met. Ven had been happy to be loved by his savior, but all too soon his savior had turned to tormentor. Even then Ven hadn't run away. He had stayed, for months, hoping Keric would stop hitting him.
How could he have been so stupid! Ven punches the lamp off his nightstand and it falls with a crash to the floor. Keric was evil, always had been, always will be, but Ven had tried to deny that fact, tried to make him the companion he wanted because he was weak. Because he couldn't be alone. He been stupid to love Keric. He'd been stupid to go back to Carinol. He'd gone right back to Keric and right back to how things had been. And still he couldn't fight Keric off. Still he'd been weak and he hated himself for being so weak.
Anger is building in him and he needs an outlet. Ven snatches a pillow from the bed and tosses it into the air, summoning his keyblade. As it falls, Ven slashes through it making feathers fly everywhere. Half the pillow lands at his feet and he kicks it away. Still full of anger, he grabs another pillow off his bed and slices it in half as well.
Its not working. He still hates himself. With a roar of anger and despair, he hurtles his keyblade across the room and it embeds itself in the wall with a crash. Breathing hard and more ashamed than ever. Ven backs up until he is against the wall. With a sigh of defeat he slides to the floor and pulls his knees to his chin.
Worthless. Stupid. Disgusting. Helpless. Damaged. Cowardly. Loser. Useless. Failure. Weak.
All the taunts and insults Keric had ever said to him echo through his mind.
"Ven?" Terra is knocking on his door. "Ven why don't we talk?"
"Go away!" Ven shouts as he begins to sob. "I don't want to talk about it!"
"C'mon Ven," Terra says and the handle of the door jiggles but the lock holds it closed. "I want to help you. We can talk about what Keric-"
"Fuck off already!" Ven screams. He screws up his eyes against the tears and the pain as memories assail him. "Mind your own damn business!"
"I'm not leaving," Terra replies.
"Go away!" Ven moans. "Leave me alone! You don't understand!"
"Then tell me Ven." Terra waits, but all he can hear is Ven's quiet sobs. "What did he do to you?" Terra says it so softly Ven barely hears it, but it makes him cry even harder burying his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry Ven," Terra continues in a quiet voice. "I couldn't stop him. I couldn't save you."
Ven stops sobbing. Terra is mad at himself, blames himself, for what Keric had done. All Ven's grief is pushed out of his mind, at the sound of Terra's broken voice. Ven gets to his feet and moves to the door. Leaning against it, Ven says quietly in a slightly hoarse voice, "It's not your fault Terra."
"It's not your fault either Ven," Terra replies and Ven's breath catches in his throat.
A single tear of relief falls down his face, and he mumbles a response.
"What was that?"
"I know," Ven repeats. He pauses. "I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate them all. Every single person on that fucking world."
"Ven-"
"Terra I really want to be alone now," Ven says cutting him off.
Terra sighs. "Alright," he says unhappily. "If that is what you really want."
Hearing Terra leave, Ven sighs and looks over at his bed. Sleep, that is what he wants. To sleep and forget. With a large effort, he summons enough energy to walk over to his bed. He falls on it once more and curls up facing his window where the last dregs of light from the sunset as coming through. He closes his eyes and escapes into unconsciousness.
…
Holding a gift of a dinner plate, Aqua knocks on Ven's door an hour after Terra had left. She waits, listening carefully for sounds of Ven moving inside, but there is only silence. She knocks again, and this time calls softly through the door, "Ven? Are you awake? I brought you dinner."
Still getting no answer, Aqua sighs and tries the door knob. Locked. Now annoyed, she summons her keyblade. Pointing it at the lock, a small light appears and the door unlocks with an audible click. "Ven?" She calls again as she eases the door open. Inside, Ven's room is dark with only the light from the hallway spilling through the doorway and the light of the moon outside his window to illuminate the space. After a moment for her eyes to adjust she sees him lying on his bed. "Ven?" She calls once more as she crosses the room. He is lying on his side, slightly curled up, and facing away from her.
"I know you're awake Ven," Aqua says as she places the plate of food on his nightstand. "I brought you dinner. It's pizza. Your favorite."
Ven doesn't respond or give any indication that he heard her. Sighing, Aqua sits on the edge of his bed and leans over him to see his face. His eyes are close and his face completely expressionless. He's asleep, or faking it, Aqua can't tell.
"I'm not going to leave Ven," Aqua says. "You might as well talk to me."
Still no answer except a soft snore. Aqua sighs. "Fine. I'll talk." She takes a moment to gather her thoughts before saying, "Ven, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I don't know what words will take away the pain. But I can tell you that I am here. Terra and Master Eraqus are here for you as well. Ven...you're more than our friend, you're our family. Seeing you suffer like this...I just want to help, but I don't know how."
Aqua pauses taking a deep breath. Ven moves slightly, it's almost too small of a movement to notice, but it's the drive Aqua needs to keep talking. "You're safe Ven. As long as you're on this world you're safe. No one here will hurt you. I'd hope you'd feel safe enough here to talk to us and tell us what happened."
Aqua waits, but Ven still doesn't respond. "Everything that happened today is now in the past," Aqua says quietly. "It's over and done and the only thing left to do is move on. Time heals all wounds, I promise." She pauses. "Get some rest Ven. You'll feel better in the morning."
Aqua gets up to go, but her heart wrenches at the sight on Ven still curled up on his bed. She leans back over him and gives his forehead a soft kiss. "I promise you won't always feel this way," she whispers before heading for the door.
As she reaches the doorway, she hears a quiet voice from the bed. "Aqua?" She pauses and turns back quickly. Ven hasn't moved.
"Yes?" She replies softly.
"Thanks."
Aqua smiles. "Of course Ven." Still smiling she closes the door quietly, leaving Ven alone once more.
Ven waits until he hears the door shut and Aqua's footsteps move down the hallway before he rolls onto his back and sighs. Aqua's words had soothed his flaring emotions, and he settles down to try and fall asleep once more. He hovers on the cusp of sleep for awhile, unable to fall completely under. Then, just as he is almost succeeds, his stomach growls loudly and his eyes shoot open.
When was the last time he had eaten? This morning? Sitting up he looks over at the clock beside his bed. 11:19. Beside the clock is the plate Aqua had brought him. She had been right, pizza is his favorite, but it's not what he wants right now. Right now he wants what anyone feeling unhappy wants. He wants ice cream.
As quietly as possible, he gets up and moves to his door. As he goes he picks up both the plate of food and Master Eraqus' robe which still lay on the ground where he had dropped it. Cracking the door open, he looks up and down the hallway. Seeing no one, he slips out and heads downstairs. The castle is silent as the others had already gone to bed after such a long, stressful day.
The kitchen is empty when Ven turns the light on. He places the dinner plate and the robe on the table before making his way to the fridge. After a quick search he is rewarded with a carton of chocolate ice cream. Retrieving a bowl and a spoon, Ven begins to scoop himself ice cream when he hears,
"Ven?"
Ven looks up to see Sora and Riku peering into the kitchen. They have on their pajamas and shuffle into the kitchen climbing onto the stools on the other side of the counter from. "What are you guys still doing up?" Ven asks.
They both shrug. "Can we have ice cream too?" Sora asks hopefully.
"Why not?" Ven says trying to smile. "Just don't tell Master Eraqus OK?"
"OK!" They both say excitedly and Ven opens the cabinet to get two more bowls. He begins to scoop them each a small bowl of ice cream when Riku suddenly remembers, "Oh!"
He jumps off the stool and hurries over to the kitchen table where a messy pile of paper and crayons had been left out. He searches for a moment before pulling one out and returning to his stool. Ven has finished scooping their ice cream and Sora has already dove into his.
"We made this for you," Riku says handing Ven the drawing. Ven takes it and turns it around. Its a drawing of several stick figures all holding hands. Someone, by the looks of the handwriting it was Aqua, had labeled each one. He is the yellow one in the middle with a big smile. On one side of him is a small figure labeled Sora and on the other side a similarly small stick figure is labeled Riku. Next to Riku is the tallest stick figure labeled Terra and next to Terra is a blue stick figure labeled Aqua. Next to Sora is a stick figure with black hair labeled Master Eraqus. Ven smiles slightly at the childish drawing the two little boys had made for him.
"You guys made this for me?" Ven says softly.
"Yep! It's our family!" Sora says his mouth full of ice cream. "We made it for you because we want you to be happy. Terra told us you were sad. He said thats why you didn't eat dinner with us."
"Yeah," Ven says sadly. "Thanks guys I really like the picture."
"You're welcome," Sora says happily.
They continue to eat their ice cream in silence when Riku breaks it saying, "Why were you sad?"
Ven swallows the bite of ice cream in his mouth slowly before saying, "I saw someone today that I haven't see in a long time."
"That's sad?" Sora asks confused.
"You see...he's a bully," Ven explains. "He hurt me...alot. When I came to live here with Master Eraqus and the others, I thought I was safe from him. But I made a mistake, and ended up back where he could hurt me."
Sora and Riku frown. "But he can't hurt you now right?" Riku asks. "I mean, we are safe here from bullies right?"
"Yeah," Ven says with a small smile; a genuine smile. "We're together and safe."
"Are you still sad Ven?" Sora asks innocently.
Ven considers for a moment before answering. "I'm still sad...but I'm also happy. I'm happy to be home and for us all to be safe. I'll probably be sad for a little while, but like Aqua said I won't be sad forever."
Taking his final bite of ice cream, Ven puts his bowl and Sora and Riku's also empty bowls in the sink before chasing them out of the kitchen. The three of them race back upstairs, and after saying goodnight to the two younger boys, Ven returns to his own room and places the drawing Sora and Riku had made for him on his desk. Lying on his bed, he glances over at his clock. 11:51.
Almost midnight. Ven thinks to himself. Did that really all happen in one day? Everything's changed and yet...nothing has. Tomorrow. Tomorrow has to be better because it can't be any worse than today right? With that final thought, Ven rolls over and falls asleep.
…
The next morning, Terra walks out of his room to find Aqua standing in the hallway with her eyes fixed on Ven's closed door. "Hey," Terra says softly so as to not startle her.
"Hey," Aqua says back with a sigh.
Terra wraps an arm around her and kisses the top of her head. "He'll be okay."
Aqua nods silently and tilts her head up to give him a soft kiss. With one last glance back at Ven's door, the two of them walk downstairs. Master Eraqus is coming down at the same time and the three enter the kitchen together to find Sora and Riku sitting at the table in a heated debate.
"You can't," Riku insists.
"Bet ya I can!" Sora replies.
"You can't."
"I can!"
Aqua is about to ask them what they are arguing about, but she sees the dinner plate she had brought up to Ven the night before on the table. The pizza is untouched. Next to it is Master Eraqus' robe. She picks them both up and hands the robe to Master Eraqus. "Did Ven come down last night?" She asks.
"He must have come down after we all went to bed," Master Eraqus says slipping on the robe. "He didn't eat the dinner you left for him?"
"No," Aqua says sadly. She moves to the sink to wash the plate. "Oh! He must have come down for ice cream." Terra and Master Eraqus walk over to see the bowls in the sink. "There's three." Aqua points out.
Terra, Aqua, and Master Eraqus look at each other before Master Eraqus turns to the two boys at the table. "Sora, Riku did you- what are you doing?"
"Riku says you can't lick your elbow," Sora explains as he strains with his tongue pointed out at his elbow.
Riku is trying as well, but he gives up. "See Sora you can't."
"Yes you can," Sora says determinedly, turning his arm in every direction trying to bring his elbow close enough. After struggling for a few more seconds, Sora gives up. "Guess you can't."
Master Eraqus rubs his temple and sighs. "Sora, Riku, did you see Ven last night?"
"Yep." They both affirm nodding.
"You guys had ice cream with him?" Terra asks.
Sora and Riku look at each other biting their lips. Riku jumps off his chair and hurries to Terra. He beckons to him and Terra complies, leaning down so Riku can whisper in his ear. After a moment Terra straightens up and turns to Master Eraqus and Aqua who are looking at him curiously. "They had ice cream with Ven," Terra says.
"Terra!" Riku whines and pouts.
"Ven told them not to tell you," Terra explains to Master Eraqus.
"Don't worry I'm not mad about the ice cream," Master Eraqus says to Sora and Riku. "Did Ven talk to you about what happened yesterday?"
"He told us about the bully making him sad," Sora replies.
"A bully?" Aqua says and Sora nods.
"Yeah, he said he made a mistake and the bully hurt him again." Sora frowns. "He said the bully hurt him alot."
Terra, Aqua, and Master Eraqus exchange a sad look. Riku adds, "But we told him we were safe from bullies here."
After a pause, Sora asks, "Can we play outside?"
"Alright just stay near the castle," Master Eraqus says and the two boys run off. "Terra, Aqua," he then says to his older apprentices. "Have breakfast and then come see me in my office." Master Eraqus then walks out, leaving Terra and Aqua to wonder what he wants to talk to them about.
…
"It came to my attention while we were imprisoned on Carinol that you have been keeping something from me," Master Eraqus states. He is sitting at his desk with his hands folded neatly across from Terra and Aqua who shift nervously under his gaze. "Would you like to tell me or would you rather I guess?"
Terra and Aqua look at each other before turning away quickly. Both keep their eyes on the carpet refusing to look Master Eraqus in the eye. He sighs and continues, "You have lived together here since you were both five years old. It is not surprising that you have developed feelings for each other that go beyond friendship." Master Eraqus pauses to see if either of his apprentices will speak up, but they continue to stare down the floor as their faces redden visibly. "Such feelings are only amplified by the fact that you are both young and curious. To you, your new relationship must be strange and exciting, and you will probably test it's boundaries. Therefore, we must have this conversation."
"Master Eraqus," Aqua says quietly looking everywhere except her teacher. "I- I don't understand. You aren't mad?"
"Of course not Aqua," Master Eraqus says gently.
"But aren't keyblade wielders supposed to put their duty before all else?" Aqua asks finally getting the courage to look Master Eraqus in the eye. He can see the conflict and worry in her gaze.
"Yes, our duties to the worlds must be foremost on our minds, but that doesn't not mean we have to deny ourselves happiness," Master Eraqus says, watching as hope and relief replaces her worry. "If your relationship with Terra somehow became an obstacle to you performing your duties as a keyblade wielder, then it would have to be reevaluated."
Master Eraqus takes a deep breath. "Now," he says in a reluctant voice. "Having said that, there is one way the relationship between the two of you could affect your ability to perform your duty Aqua, and that is pregnancy."
At his last word, both of his apprentices turn an even darker shade of red and stiffen. Slowly, they both turn to look at each other, but quickly turn away returning their eyes to the carpet.
"Master Eraqus," Terra says through gritted teeth. "You don't need to-"
"Actually I do Terra," Master Eraqus says interrupting him. "No matter how uncomfortable it is to talk about, it is my duty as your master to set some boundaries in regards to a sexual relationship between the two of you."
Aqua makes a small noise of protest and closes her eyes in embarrassment. Master Eraqus takes another deep breath and continues, "As I said you are young and your relationship is new and exciting. You will be curious, and you will have...desires." At this point, both Terra and Aqua have reached a shade of red that Master Eraqus would not have thought was possible. They are turned slightly away from each other and have their heads down with their eyes closed in an attempt to escape Master Eraqus' words. "I would hope that you have the willpower to avoid giving in to these desires, but I do not pretend to know exactly how you feel about each other. I would hope that your relationship isn't at a sexual level yet, but if it is or if it becomes so please use protection."
"Master Eraqus!" Terra says unable to take it any longer. "You already gave us the sex talk when we hit puberty. We get it! You don't have to go over everything again."
"I am aware we already discussed this, but that was when you were children," Master Eraqus says. "You are now young adults who must a have a greater understanding of the consequences. If Aqua were to become pregnant, she would not be fit to perform her duties as a keyblade wielder. Neither of you want that right?"
Both of them shake their head fervently no. "Good," Master Eraqus says. "Now the best way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence, but if you were to-"
Master Eraqus is interrupted by a soft knock at his door. "Yes?" Master Eraqus calls, and the door partially opens to reveal Ven in the doorway. He is slightly surprised to see Terra and Aqua, and looks questioningly at their bright red faces. "Oh Ventus, how are you feeling?" Master Eraqus asks rising from his chair and coming around his desk.
"I- I'm ready to talk to you," Ven says shifting nervously. "But if you're busy I can just come back."
"No!" Aqua says quickly as her and Terra jump out of their chairs. "I mean...you're not interrupting. We were almost done anyways."
Ven slowly enters the room and the others watch him carefully, unsure what to say. "Would you mind if I just talk to Master Eraqus alone?" He says glancing from Terra to Aqua.
Aqua looks like she is about to protest, but Terra takes her hand gently. "Not at all Ven. We'll go check on Sora and Riku." Still holding hands, they walk out of the office shutting the door behind them.
Master Eraqus quickly rearranges the chairs Terra and Aqua had just vacated so that they are facing each other. He indicates for Ven to take one and as Ven slowly sinks into the chair, Master Eraqus sits opposite him. Ven keeps his eyes on his hands clasped in his lap as he speaks in a quiet voice. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. It was a big mistake. If I had just listened to you, none of this would have happened."
Master Eraqus dares to ask, "What happened Ventus?" Ven ducks his head even farther. "Please Ventus."
Ven takes a deep breath. "After they dragged you away, Keric took me back to his private rooms. He started to- He wanted- He tried-" Ven can't find the right words to explain until he feels Master Eraqus put a hand on his own trembling hands. He looks up to find Master Eraqus' watching him with kind eyes. "He kissed me," Ven whispers. "And he started touching me. I fought him, I fought him as best I could, but he is so strong. He had me pinned and he started talking. Talking about how he knew how to keep me with him forever. I- I made him think I was happy and- and when he kissed me again...I kissed back. That distracted him, so I threw him off me, but he caught me again. He said he would kill me if I didn't love him. And he dragged me to his bedroom."
Ven stops for a moment and lowers his head again. Master Eraqus reaches out and tilts his head back up, seeing the pain in Ven's watery blue eyes. "It's okay Ventus."
Ven takes a shuddering breath and forces himself to continue. "He wanted to...you know...and I fought. I fought so hard, but I was on his bed and he had his hands on my throat. I couldn't breath...I couldn't..."
Ven's body shudders with a sob, and Master Eraqus squeezes his hand tighter. "Ventus, what happened after that?"
"I don't know!" Ven shouts squeezing his eyes shut. "He had his hands on my throat and he was yelling at me. I couldn't fight both of them. I had to given in. I had to let him out."
"Who?" Master Eraqus asks confused. "Who else was there?"
"Vanitas," Ven says. "Vanitas was there. He's here. He's always with me." Ven sees the look of complete confusion on Master Eraqus face. "I'm crazy," Ven whispers. "I must be crazy."
"Who's Vanitas?" Master Eraqus asks urgently.
"He's me, I'm him, we're the same," Ven says the words tumbling out. He grabs his head. "He talks to me, tells me things. He told me to go to Carinol. He convinced me. Then, with Keric, I let him take over. He took control. He- I summoned that keyblade and fought Keric off."
"You fought Keric off?" Master Eraqus asks, trying to make sense of what Ven is trying to say.
Ven shakes his head. "I know what happened, I know my hands were the ones swinging the keyblade, but I don't remember doing it. It's like...It's like someone told me what happen, like I wasn't there to see it was Vanitas. I let him take control... Am I crazy?"
Ven's desperate eyes search Master Eraqus' face for an answer. "No," Master Eraqus replies slowly. "It seems to me that Vanitas is your darker half Ventus. He is the darkness inside you."
Ven leans back in his chair his face white. "Darkness? But he saved me."
"From what you told me," Master Eraqus replies. "He may have saved you from Keric, but he is also the one to convince you to disobey me and go to Carinol."
Ven is quiet for a moment before saying, "Did he- did he want me to go back to Keric so I would be so scared I'd let him out?"
Master Eraqus nods gravely. "He knows what you know Ventus. He knew how scared and angry Keric could make you. He knew he could use those emotions to take control of your body. He is darkness Ventus. You must not let it happen again, there is no telling what he will do."
Ven nods. "Can you make him leave?" Ven asks desperately.
Master Eraqus shakes his head. "Unfortunately I cannot doing anything that wouldn't end up hurting you. He is a part of you Ventus. You are the only one with the power to suppress him. Ventus, no matter how scared you get you must not let Vanitas out again. There is no telling what he would do if he had control of your body again."
Ven nods and stands. "Can we be done?"
"One more question," Master Eraqus replies. "Did Keric say if he was working with anyone one else?"
Ven thinks for a moment. "Yeah...he did. He said he knows a guy who is trying to take over the worlds and we could join him."
Master Eraqus soaks this in for a moment before hurrying to his desk. "Thank you for trusting me Ventus. Do you feel better?" As he says this, he searches through his drawers pulling out a piece of paper, an envelop, and a pen.
"Yeah...I think I'll go talk to Terra and Aqua," Ven says as he turns to go.
"If you want to talk to Zack as well you may go to Traverse Town," Master Eraqus says. "Just take Terra and Aqua with you."
"Alright," Ven says walking out the door. "Thank you Master Eraqus, for listening."
Master Eraqus looks up. "Anytime Ventus, my door is always open to you." Ven gives him a weak smile before exiting the office, closing the door behind him.
With a sigh, Master Eraqus turns his attention to the blank paper in front of him. Picking up his pen he begins his letter.
Dear Yen Sid,
The situation with Xehanort is far worse than we thought...
Mexi: Now it's day 2! Yeah I know day 1 took forever, but day 2 is much shorter.
MLSoT: Zack's for next chapter, and Ven is going to have to tell him all about Keric.
So Vanitas isn't talking to Ven directly anymore, but his presence is still screwing with Ven's emotions. That'll continue into the next couple chapters until...well you'll see.