Chapter 8: We'll always have Feros

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard awoke and looked at the ceiling. The ship hummed and whirred in its orbit, and it was a soothing sound. At least, it was more soothing than the crystalline pitch that haunted her dreams. Her mind was still racing, trying to piece together the events of the past few days, but every time she seemed to grasp a tendril of reason, it was gone again. She was starting to grow weary, and she knew the journey was only beginning.

Well, at least the colony on Feros was saved.

Yes, at least she had managed to accomplish that. She remembered running straight into the colonists' fire, and knocking them out with the butt end of her assault rifle. There were a few close calls where she thought for sure the next bullet would be her last, but somehow the team managed to take down all the Thorian's creepers without killing any of the civilians. It was a miracle.

What wasn't such a miracle was when Fai Dan appeared and blew his head off.

No, that wasn't such a miracle. I wish she hadn't seen that. She didn't need to see that.

Jane regretted once again bringing the young and innocent asari scientist on the mission.

That was a horrific scene she should have never had to witness.

She turned on her side, facing the wall, and wrapped around her pillow. Seeing death was always hard, and eventually soldiers built up a resistance to the empathetic response, but there is something particularly devastating about witnessing when someone takes their own life, especially in such a gruesome way.

If we had only known about the Thorian from the start, we could have gone there first and maybe avoided all of that bloodshed. We could have gotten down there before it had time to put its creepers in place. We could have done so many things, if all these mega corporations could just be honest and stop putting human lives second and profits first. It's no different out here than it was when it was just us on Earth. We haven't changed a bit.

She rolled onto her other side, and looked at her console. There was still no reply from Danger, and she was beginning to get a little worried. Returning to her back, she put her hands behind her head and closed her eyes.

I hope she isn't getting into too much trouble. Maybe I will send a message to Captain Anderson to see where she went.

Her mind drifted back once more to the events of the past day. The Thorian had been a magnificent beast. It reminded her of models of the human heart she had seen in doctors' offices. It was a pulsating entity, and you could just feel the life entering you in its presence.

That was probably just the spores.

Jane chuckled. That was so a Danger response. Still, she felt awed in the presence of the creature and it saddened her that it was brought down by her hand. It seemed like she was the supreme dealer of death these days. She hoped that Liara didn't think less of her for it.

Her thoughts turned to the other asari she had met – the one that the Thorian had consumed to turn into a thrall. She had some sort of Cipher that was supposed to unlock the secrets of the Prothean vision, but it still didn't make any sense to Jane. The images were nightmarish, and she wished she had never come near that stupid beacon on Eden Prime. Still, if the Cipher was something that Saren wanted; then she wanted it too. It was always better to have more tools at your disposal in case something happened in the future that could clarify it all.

It had been the first time she had allowed an asari to meld with her, and while it wasn't an unpleasant experience, she did feel violated by the strange woman. Something just didn't seem right about aliens depositing memories into other peoples' heads. Jane couldn't wrap her mind around it. It was like something out of those horror vids she used to watch with Danger. She just didn't think that humans were… ready for it.

Maybe that's the point. They are certainly more advanced than we are. They have been around far longer. We'll probably get used to it... eventually.

Her thoughts then drifted to her second melding of the day. Interesting that in twenty nine years of existence she had never been exposed to it at all, and then in one day she had two thrust upon her.

The second one wasn't so bad, though…

Commander Jane Shepard closed her eyes, smiling and ready to lose herself in daydreams, but then opened them back up. There was no time for more sleep or lazy wonderings. She sat at her console and opened her log again. She needed to get the events onto paper. She could daydream later.

No… That second meld wasn't so bad at all.

-Commander's Log, 5:45:11:22

I don't even know where to begin. It's all blur, and looking over my last entry I'm surprised I was even able to recount the events of the mission with such detail. This woman has completely taken over my mind, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I was already interested in her, but after the meld I have become fairly obsessed. I wonder how she feels about me.

The whole thing is so hard to describe. It started when we were all in the comm room, going over the mission details. That other asari, Shiala? I think that was her name. She gave me some… cipher… thing... transferring it directly into my memory somehow. I can't describe exactly what it felt like, but it was cold, and felt almost like a sharp needle pricking into my skull, and then breaking off in it, leaving a small piece behind. Well, that's how Shiala's felt, anyway.

After some discussion about my admittedly limited knowledge regarding what I saw, Liara offered to take a look at the vision to see whether or not she could make any sense of it. I agreed immediately, and braced myself for whatever was going to happen next. I thought that I knew what to expect, now that I had been connected to an asari, but this meld took me by surprise. There was no feeling in the world like it; it was electric. At any moment, it could have turned into something that would have been... very embarrassing in front of the rest of the crew.

I got the feeling that it balanced on the tip of a needle. Stray but a little, lose control of the thin strand holding it to sanity, and the waves could overwhelm you. They threatened to overwhelm me. I pray she didn't notice.

It's interesting how no two melds feel the same, and the intensity is dependent on your direction toward the person. Humans don't even have any native telepathic abilities, so I have never felt anything like it. I had no way of knowing what to expect, and Liara connecting to me threatened to send my senses into overload. I can't imagine what it must be like for two asari. That must be the ultimate show of trust and love in a relationship between them.

I tried to close off my feelings, somehow lock them away where she wouldn't see them, but I think she had gotten a glimpse before I was able to hide them away. Hoping to distract her, I pushed forth all the information I had on the Protheans. It had the desired effect, and though I felt her confusion at the images, I knew that she was immensely grateful for the insight I had given her into the ancient civilization. She truly loves her research, and it made me happy to have been able to give that to her. She might ask me about the other thoughts in the future, but hopefully by then I will have a good response for her. For now, I just needed to transfer all the knowledge I could to this beautiful creature, and keep her connected to me for as long as possible. I never wanted it to end...

But, it did end.

As suddenly as it started, it was all over again. I felt so empty after she was gone, but I put on my best "give me your report, soldier" face, and asked if she could make any sense of what she had seen. I prayed that my emptiness didn't show in my expression, either to her, or the rest of the crew.

All she could confirm were our suspicions about the reapers, but not much else. The vision was scattered, and she thought that the beacon that was transmitting it might have been damaged before transferring the message to me. It would certainly explain why it seems to be in pieces and spurts.

I have to wonder if Saren got the whole message and was the one who damaged the beacon before I got to it. If he did, then he has the entire message, and the entire Cipher. That's a very unsettling thought, but there is nothing I can really do about it. We have what we have, and we'll have to make do with it.

The meld had tired Liara, so I sent her to the doctor to be checked out. I think it might be her youth – she is still coming into her powers as an asari and it's taking a toll on her. Avoiding other people has effectively isolated her from the mental contact that she might otherwise have had with other asari and other species in general. It's the only explanation I can come up with, anyway. Shiala didn't seem to be at all weakened by melding with me, but she must be coming up on her matron years. I'm sure that she is much more accustomed to the aftereffects of such a union.

Liara just needs some rest, and I'll deal with my own feelings later.

-End entry

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

The commander glanced over the logs, and closed the console. She couldn't really make sense of the words right now. She still felt empty, and somehow incomplete. She wanted to see Liara again. She wanted to feel that presence in her mind again. She wanted to open all her secrets and lay them out for her. Jane couldn't explain it. She just... really wanted to see Liara.

She looked at the corner of the screen, but there was no telltale blinking red light. Danger still hadn't gotten back to her.

I wonder where she is? I hope she wasn't serious about burying herself in a mountain of bottles on Omega...

Jane thought about sending another message, but dismissed it almost immediately. If Danger hadn't responded to the first one, she probably wouldn't respond to a second one either. So instead, Jane just cleaned herself up and got dressed.

I want to see Liara. I should check on her anyway, to see how she is holding up after all that Feros mess. She might need to talk.

Jane Shepard adjusted her uniform, ran her fingers through her hair a couple times, and walked out the door.

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters, evening

-Commander's Log, 5:55:33:53

I stood in the doorway for a few moments before entering the room. Liara was pouring over research at a console, and I didn't want to disturb her work. It was a magnificent sight. She would scrunch up her nose when she read over something she didn't quite understand, and then a look of pure joy and enlightenment would cross her face when it fell into place. Eventually, she must have sensed me there, because she turned and asked if she was being checked up on. I wonder what emotions my face betrayed. Sometimes it has a mind of its own, and as much as I try to keep it impassive, it seems to go out of its way to rebel against me. I assured her that I just wanted to make sure she was ok, and suddenly the world that was already spiraling out of control into the depths of space, was thrown for yet another loop...

I asked her if she wanted to pick up where we left off about her interest in the Protheans, and of all the things in the world the woman could have possibly said, she said the one thing that left me completely speechless.

Actually, I believe we were discussing my interest in you.

I don't think that I will ever forget those words. I wonder if the meld prompted it. I know that I didn't immediately lock away my feelings and she must have caught at least a glimpse... Having no idea what to expect from her presence in my mind, I couldn't really prepare. She must have seen it all, my nervousness, my fascination, my raw desire. She surely knows that I don't make a habit of walking into walls during important missions... I've effectively made a complete fool of myself in front of her, and all it took were some random thoughts floating around in my mess of a head and the magnificent sound of her voice.

The conversation just got more intense from there. Well, first it got comical, and then it got intense. Can you believe she actually asked me if I was involved with Alenko? It was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard. I can't imagine where she got that idea from. After that, she came right out and asked me if I was interested in her; if there was a, 'mutual attraction'. For someone who claimed she was so bad at dealing with people and isolated herself to avoid confrontation... She sure goes right for the jugular...

Gosh, Liara… What do you think? I take you with me everywhere, I walk into walls when you are around, I can't manage to drive a rover in a straight line, and I nearly ripped all your clothes off in the comm room when you connected to me. Nah, I'm totally into Kaidan, who I think I have talked to a collective one time since getting assigned to this mission.

And now, after that conversation, here I sit wondering what the hell to do next. I really wish Danger were here. How many times have I wished that now? She'd have something funny to say to put it all into perspective. She'd know exactly how to handle this. She'd tell me exactly what to do.

Liara asked me for some time, I guess to sort out her emotions now that they are in the open, and to be honest, I think I need some too. My log is starting to look like a "Dear Diary" and with a mission of this importance; I can't really allow this level of distraction. This endangers everyone.

Why didn't I go to Feros first, instead of Therum?

Well, I really shouldn't think that way. If I had delayed in going to Therum, then Liara would probably be dead, either of starvation or the geth would have gotten to her. And even if she was alive, it would have only delayed the inevitable. Eventually, I would have had to seek her out, because of her connection to Benezia. Eventually, I would have come face to face with her.

No, I made the right decision.

I'm just going to have to try to put it all out of my mind and focus on the next mission.

You know, I never thought it would happen to me.

Ever.

-End entry