Chapter 9: Choices

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters, several weeks later

Commander Jane Shepard stormed into the room and threw her datapad on the floor. She stared at it for a moment, and then brought her booted heel down upon the screen, over and over, breaking the unit into several small fragments. She then picked up the pieces and laid them out on her table. Unstrapping a small knife from her belt, she reversed it in her hand and used the hilt to smash what was left of the unit. She chased each individual piece of plastic and metal, and brought the knife down like a hammer again and again, calling forth all the rage and bloodlust; drawing from the pools of platinum and filling the air with crystalline shards of anger and pain. Again and again she brought the knife down on the helpless computer, until the datapad was nothing more than a few wires and dust, and her hand was bloodied from gripping the knife so hard.

She threw the it at the wall, lodging the blade deep into the metal, and leaned on the table, releasing the lightning and relaxing her muscles. The room cleared, and she thought she could hear the voice, somewhere in the distance, crying for her.

I'm not sorry. It was childish, but I'm not sorry. This wasn't fair, and the universe should never have asked it of me.

Jane tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling. Fate was being particularly cruel to her these days, and she wasn't sure if she was going to have the strength to continue. She pushed away from the table, and tossed her weapons onto it, with the now useless datapad. Her body was sticky with sweat and blood, and she needed to clean herself up. She stepped into the bathroom, removed her armor, and then the uniform she wore beneath it. Turning on the water as hot as it would go, she stepped into the shower and let it scald her skin.

Good. I deserve to feel a little pain after what I did. Why did the universe bring this to me? Why are these decisions mine? It's unfair to bring her into my life, and then force me to rip everything she loves from her. It's cruel, and I don't find it amusing.

Jane lifted her head and let the water stream across her face. It stung, but only slightly. She had endured far worse in the dreams. This small physical sting was barely a drop in the bucket compared to that. She turned around, and leaned forward against the wall, letting the water cascade down her back, washing away the guilt and the pain she felt. She was in spiritual agony, and she wanted to be hurt a little bit. It would help her cope. It would help her heal. It would help her...

Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it!

She slammed her fist against the wall, and shut her eyes tightly, hoping to hold back the tears. She couldn't cry, not right now. She didn't deserve to cry, and release the pain.

I wonder if Liara is crying right now. I wonder if she hates me... No, she doesn't hate me. She understands... I saw it in her eyes.

She doesn't hate me...

...

But she should.

Jane pushed off the wall and straightened up. She looked down at herself, and wasn't surprised to see new bruises. It seemed like every day she got in the shower now, there were new bruises. She grabbed a small bar of soap, and cleaned herself up. Stepping back out of the small utility, she looked in the mirror at her slim, but muscular form. Her body still looked mostly the same, but something subtle had changed. Something... was different.

You're aging, Jane. This is stressing you out. When this is over, you are going to need a really long vacation... Maybe on Omega...

She shook her head and walked out of the room, moving over to the trunk where she kept her clothes and other belongings. She pulled a fresh uniform out and slipped it on. It felt constricting, suffocating. It was the reason she made the decisions she made; performed the deeds she did. She was a soldier, and she did it all in the name of the Alliance, and in the name of humanity. She did it all, for love of country, or some other romantic bullshit she had been taught in the academy. They taught her all of that nonsense, and she believed every word... until now.

Now it was all ringing hollow, as she stood there, miserable and alone, knowing that her only love's heart had been broken by her hand. It all seemed empty now, that sense of duty that was supposed to make everything so clear. It was all just... so devoid of purpose... now.

Jane lowered her head, and sat in front of her console, leaning back in the chair. Maybe logging the day's events would help her channel her pain and rage, and help her cope.

It couldn't hurt, anyway.

Commander's Log 7:22:12:21

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I don't know what possessed me to take the team to Noveria next, but now I wish I had saved it until very last, or found some way to get out of going at all. Maybe I should have gone before picking up Liara. No, that might have actually been worse. Then she would have seen me as the woman who killed her mother, without even really knowing why, and she probably would have died on Therum. Damn these choices I have to make! None of them are any good!

After coming back to my quarters, I destroyed the datapad that gave me the idea in the first place. It was childish, I know, but right now I don't really care. No one can see me anyway, and I need to let out a little rage. The universe has put me in an incredibly impossible position. How can it put someone in my path that I would fall madly in love with, and then force me to raise my hand and strike down her only parent? Why? Fuck the universe.

The second we arrived, I knew I wasn't going to like the place. It stunk of treachery and lies. Danger might have enjoyed the intrigue, but I prefer the direct approach. Places like that always set my nerves on edge. Maybe it's the paragon in me; I don't know. I just cannot stand the deceit and all the corruption. Everyone is out to screw everyone else over a few creds. It sickens me.

We found out that Liara's mother was on site, and it turned my blood to ice. There was something foreboding about the news, something I couldn't put my finger on. Liara was excited at the prospect of seeing the mother she hadn't spoken to in many years, but I feared what this meeting might bring, given the matriarch's recent allegiance with Saren. I knew what was to come. I could smell it in the air. A soldier can always sense when death is near. It's in our training, it's in our blood. It's in our eyes every time we pull a trigger and take a life. It's always haunting our steps, and crushing our dreams. War is the province of soldiers, and every single one of us brings our escort of death to the table of eternity.

It turns out that I was right. In the end, the soldier in me had to overcome the woman, and I had to kill my love's only parent.

I will never forgive myself.

...

Well, I am sure that I will have plenty of time to punish myself later. Right now, I should just log the events and try to stop feeling... everything.

...

Making our way to the chamber of death, as I am now calling it, wasn't any more difficult than other trips we had made, but I took my time about this one. I could feel Liara's eyes on me, willing me to drive faster, but I just couldn't. She didn't know what was to come; she was far too naive to believe that her mother was beyond hope. How could she believe that? She couldn't. That would mean she had already given up on her only known family. There was no way that she could believe the woman who had cared about her so much as a child had turned so evil, and was beyond redemption. I may have known, deep down, but Liara still believed and I couldn't bear to shatter her heart with the truth. She is such a beautiful soul. I hate what this mission is forcing her to endure.

I made sure we stopped at every anomaly on the way; every single disabled vehicle that lay in the snow. I would have even stopped to examine every snowflake, if I thought I could get away with it... I think Tali understood what I was doing. She's a smart one, and she has already seen treachery in her short life, coming face to face with rogue agents of the Shadow Broker. She knows the score. In any event, she remained silent and allowed me my indulgence. She either approved, or knew better than to say anything out loud. Either way, I was grateful for her silence.

When we finally made it to the building, I made a point of examining every piece of disabled equipment and checking every door. Liara was sending me sidelong glances, but I ignored them and effectively ignored her. In retrospect, I probably should have been a little more supportive, but at that moment in time all I could think of was protecting her from pain for as long as possible. I should have just taken her in my arms. I should have comforted her, and told her I was here for her. There are so many things that I should have done... But the soldier in me closed up, and instead, I delayed us.

Getting the facility's systems back online wasn't a hard task, but when I entered the central computer's core to fix the memory banks, I leaned against the side for several moments and thought about whether or not life would go on if I never came back up. It was a ridiculous notion, of course. Tali and Liara wouldn't have stood up there waiting for me to just die in this silly computer's cylinder, but I wasn't feeling particularly rational at the moment. I just wanted to hide down there, in that hole, for the rest of eternity.

Eventually, though, I had to finish moving the memory banks. I was taking too long, and I could hear Liara suggesting to Tali that maybe my computer skills weren't up to snuff for this task. She wasn't right about my skills in this particular instance, but she was right that I had lingered beyond what was reasonable. We had to press forward.

We brought the rest of the systems online shortly and the facility jerked back to life. I looked at my omni-tool and saw that evening was coming upon us. Maybe I could get away with suggesting we camp for the night. We took the tram to the Rift Station, and I almost cried with relief. We'd be able to take a break before moving onward. There was an encampment of sorts where we could resupply and rest, and it was the most welcome sight I had ever seen in my life. I informed the squad we would stay the night, and then move on the next day. Gosh, I would do anything to delay that meeting. I spent an exorbitant amount of time haggling with the elcor merchant there, and talked to every single solitary being in the place. Liara was starting to get very annoyed with me, but I wasn't going to budge. We'd continue in the morning.

And as with all things that come all the more quickly as you try to avoid them, morning came and an eager Liara was sitting on the floor next to the bunk I had stretched out on, just watching me. I wondered whether or not she had been to sleep at all, but thought better of asking. There was no more time. I could no longer stave off the inevitable.

We had to press forward, and I had to face fate.

Well, at least when we entered the hot labs there were things to fight. That's something that I understand. I wasn't sure at the time exactly what those things were, but they were attacking us and that was all the information I needed to unload my weapons. I barely heard the comments my teammates were making. I just allowed myself to fall into the trance of battle and dance with fate. I didn't channel the platinum this time, though. This time, I wanted to feel all the pain... just me.

Fate was about to catch up to me, after all. I may as well embrace it, while my blood still runs hot...

-End Entry

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Jane leaned back in her chair. Everything was going all wrong. She thought back to the confrontation with Liara's mother, and examined it from every angle.

Could I have handled it differently? Could we have disabled her somehow, and brought her back to the Normandy to see if there was some way to break the indoctrination?

Liara had assured the commander that she was fine, and that she wished to remember Benezia as she was before Saren had taken hold, but Jane had traveled the galaxy and seen things that would turn any ordinary woman's mind insane. She knew that being forced to not only watch her mother die, but watch her die by her own hand… Well it could undo the young scientist. It had nearly undone Jane.

War is the province of soldiers, not scientists.

Jane read back over her log entry, and shook her head. She wanted to comfort Liara, but the asari had seemed to want to be alone. That was fine; Jane wasn't going to push it. Liara would come seek her out when she was ready.

I hope...

Jane thought back to the beginning of this trip, when she sat in this very cabin, contemplating whether or not she was even strong enough to handle the tasks ahead. Back then, she didn't even have a clue she was to fall in love, and then have to murder her heart's mother. Back then, she didn't know that platinum rage was to run through her veins and drive her mad with bloodlust, haunting her every step as she reached for it with unconscious thought. She still didn't understand what was happening to her, but between the dreams, the Prothean visions, and being forced to slay almost every beautiful and powerful creature in the galaxy, she felt it was only a matter of time before her mind truly did come undone. She was going insane, and the worst part was that she had absolutely no one to lean on. Who could possibly understand? Who would even believe her? No one.

I feel like I've aged another lifetime. How is that even possible?

She closed her eyes, and tried to make sense of all her racing thoughts. The paragon in her always compelled her to do the moral thing, including setting free the Rachni queen, but now she wondered whether or not she did it for the right reasons. Did she really believe that the Rachni were benign, or did she set it free merely out of guilt over killing the Thorian... Would the majestic creature find a comfortable and isolated world to build her brood in peace, or would she turn on Jane and join the Reapers in their quest to wipe out civilization? She had no way of knowing whether or not she made the right decision. Only time would tell, and at that moment, the phrase struck Jane as incredibly trite.

Well, at least Liara approved of one thing I did today. She was happy I set the Rachni Queen free. I guess that alone makes it worth it, at least to me personally. Whether or not it will be worth it to the rest of the galaxy... That remains to be seen, I guess.

The weight of her task was starting to bear down on her. She wanted to weep, for all the lives already lost and all the lives that were surely doomed as she moved forward, but her eyes remained dry.

Maybe I am becoming like Saren. Damnit Danger, where the hell are you? I can't deal with all of this alone…

As if on cue, her console started beeping, and Jane Shepard jerked forward in her chair, grateful to finally hear back from her friend.