Chapter 12 – When I think about you

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard looked around at the room. It was neat and orderly, like she was used to, but something about it seemed a little different. It was... empty.

It's empty because you don't want the night to be over yet, Jane.

She nodded to herself and started to undress. She didn't want the night to be over, but it was, and she had just dropped Liara off at the small storage rooms behind the medical bay. Now she was here alone, left to sort through her scattered and confused emotions.

I wonder what she's doing right now. Is she thinking of me as well?

Jane threw her armor into the corner near her trunk, and stepped into the small washroom. She looked in the mirror and ran her hands through her hair a couple times. Then she picked up her toothbrush, and started her nightly cleanup ritual.

Today was a great day. I'm glad Liara came out with us, even if Danger was an ass the entire time. Still, I guess I should be happy she was trying to talk me up like that. Liara seemed to enjoy it, anyway. I wish the matriarch hadn't brought up Benezia, though. The night probably would have been just fine without the reminder of what we did... Well, she meant no harm and maybe she doesn't even know that I killed her. It's possible, anyway.

She leaned forward on the sink and lowered her head, staring at the water swirling down the drain. There was nothing she could do about it now, and she needed to put it behind her.

Jane, you did what you had to. You protected Liara, and she doesn't hate you for it. You have to let this go. You have to... for everyone's sake.

She pushed off the sink, and nodded at her reflection in the mirror. She did what she had to do, and now she had to move on from it, and get her scattered mind back together. She had too many things to figure out, and she already had enough distractions. She had to figure out what the platinum dreams meant, what the Prothean visions meant, and what Saren was really after. There was no time to linger on Benezia's death, and she was already devoting far more of her mental resources to thoughts of Liara than she ought to.

Jane stepped back out of the room, and laid down on her bed. She curled around a pillow and closed her eyes, inviting the night mother to return once more and gift her with slumber.

-Nightmares

Sound.

It cut at her eardrums; she held the sides of her head with her hands. The reverberation of metal blades grinding together tore at her mind, and she felt madness setting in. She closed her eyes, and willed the noise to stop, but she was not yet strong enough. She had not completed enough tasks to claim that right yet. She was not ready. She had not yet arrived.

Where am I?

She opened her eyes and looked to either side of her. She was surrounded completely by darkness. All was opaque, and she could not see the shimmering expanse of silver in front of her like the other times she had visited the platinum wonderland. It felt slightly cold, and she could not feel the air on her skin. She was trapped, and could not move forward, nor could she move back.

Jane reached out, and ran her hands along the walls of her prison. They were solid stone, cold, unfeeling, and unforgiving. They did not care about her, and they did not offer her guidance. They were merely there, positioned by an immortal hand to test the will of those placed within.

She was buried alive.

Jane took a breath, and knelt down onto the cold floor. She ran her hands along the gravel, looking for something, anything, that would help her complete this task.

How must I proceed?

Her left hand closed around what felt almost like the hilt of a sword. She picked it up, and carefully examined it with her right.

What it this?

Holding the item in front of her, she found it was a small hand shovel. It felt ancient, like it had been created by an alien craftsman long ago; a member of a civilization long since turned to dust. She held it firmly in both hands, and tried to bend it. It did not flex at all under her iron grip, and she nodded in satisfaction. It would do. It would have to.

Jane looked around her, though she could see nothing, and wondered in which direction to start digging. She had no way of knowing which way was the way out, and in the darkness, she could not hope to discern any identifying marks on the walls. She closed her eyes, and sat down on the ground.

Is there only one right way?

The walls were silent, and the sounds of metal grinding together offered her no insight. She stood, turned around twice, and laid her right hand gently on the stone. She leaned forward, and started hammering at the wall in front of her. Slowly, she chipped at it, and small chunks of rock fell away at her feet soon covering her up to her ankles. She moved forward, and cut away at another layer. The sounds of metal slightly receded, and she stopped her hand in mid swing.

I should not go further from the noise…

She turned around, and kicked the stone behind her, into the hole she had created. That was clearly the wrong way. She began cutting at the side that was now in front of her, nodding in satisfaction as the sounds of metal on metal grew slightly louder. Slowly, she sliced her way through the darkened rock, falling into a deliberate rhythm, ignoring the blisters that formed on her hand. Quietly she worked, gritting her teeth and trying to ignore the sounds of the metal blades crashing together. She kept her eyes closed, for there was no light by which she could see anyway, and brought her hand down again and again against her foe.

I must arrive. I will arrive. You will see me.

Her strength was waning. Hours had passed. Or had it been days? There was no way to tell. She looked behind her, hoping to gauge how far she had come, but the blackness did not offer her comfort. She leaned against the wall, and rubbed her brow with her sleeve. Her sweat felt sticky, almost as if it was blood and not the soft saline solution customary to her kind. Perhaps it was blood. She couldn't tell in the darkness.

I cannot stop.

She tensed her muscles, trying to will the sound of the swords out of her head. It was pulsating at her eardrums, forcing its way into her body; the high pitched whine threatening to deafen her. She had to master it, for she felt she was getting close. She was nearly there. She merely had to hold on a short while longer.

Jane gripped the small shovel, and concentrated all her will on it. It felt right in her grip, though she could not understand why. Somehow, it was meant to be in her hand. Someone had procured it for her, intending that she use it. Someone had kept it safe and strong through long years, so that now, when she most needed it, it would be ready. She inhaled deeply, and accepted the offer, allowing the hand tool to meld itself into her skin.

She continued chipping away at the wall with hardened resolve. The sound grew louder and more insistent. She ignored it. The barrier strengthened itself, reinforcing the stone and almost pushing back against her. She ignored that as well. The tool was meant for her hand, and she channeled the strength that had been fused into it by whoever had left it for her. She smiled, and flattened her right hand firmly against the wall, reveling in the vibrations that reverberated through the stone as she picked at it with her left. The barrier was weakening under her will.

I will master you as well. You cannot contain me.

Jane started to laugh maniacally, bringing the small hand tool down against the barrier faster and faster. She felt the stone's fear, as she pushed with her right hand and demanded that it give way. The blades clashed together more insistently, slicing at her mind and encouraging her to break through. Blood flowed down her left hand, where she had fused the artifact into her skin, and she drew her arm back for one last mighty thrust.

Jane threw her head back and howled as she brought the steel tool against the stone wall one more time, shattering the barrier and clearing the way through to the dancing blades circling her prison. She lost her balance and fell backwards as the darkness behind her forced her out of the tunnel, furious it had been exposed to the light and the sound of the platinum swords.

She laughed and looked up at the planet, as the noise shattered her eardrums and blood poured down her neck and arm, joining the mutilated skin of her hand.

You cannot contain me.

She fell into the darkness, laughing with the swords as they sang a joyful song, informing the voice of her triumph.

A wave of silver ice shattered the crystalline universe, and carried Jane away into the darkness…

-Normandy, Sickbay Storage room

Thank the Goddess for blessed solitude. Please give me the strength to stay this course. My spirit hungers for her, but I am so afraid…

Liara lay atop the cot that was set up for her in the small storage room and stared at the ceiling, thinking about the previous day's events. She had spent the morning going over her old research notes, and then a wonderful afternoon with Jane Shepard and her friends. She had been so worried that it would feel awkward, but Danger's disarming smile and the way Jane seemed to relax in her presence and quietly radiate power and control had put her restless mind at ease. Liara could see why the two of them had become friends. They seemed to round each other out perfectly. Danger was a bit on the edge, but Jane was stable and kept her from falling over it.

When did I start thinking of her as Jane?

She didn't know.

She thought about Matriarch Terriana as well, and the more she thought about it, the more it seemed that her initial impression was incorrect. Danger did sit very obviously close to the woman, but Terriana hadn't moved away or even seemed bothered by the invasion of her space. In fact, now that she really examined the situation, she realized that Terriana had looked decidedly amused at a group of asari maidens trying, and failing, to get Danger's attention.

Strange. How can such a powerful and obviously matured woman possibly be interested in someone like Danger? Yes she's charming and attractive, but I would think it would be more appealing to maidens, not an asari of Terriana's age.

She closed her eyes and replayed the entire night in her head again. It felt good to think about it. If she had been on the outside looking in, she would have sworn it was just two couples having drinks, instead of the mish mash of 'maybe' and 'possibly' and 'potentially' it seemed to be. For a few hours, it was almost like a family.

I wonder if we will get to see them again.

She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling, a little shocked at herself. That was interesting. She was thinking of the four of them as friendly couples.

I wonder what Jane would think about that.

She closed her eyes once more. It had been a long day, and she was grateful to be back on the ship. It had become comforting, somehow. She was getting used to the whirring of the engines, and the way it softly swayed when in orbit.

I love being here. I love being near her, even though this isn't really near her.

She tried to chase the thoughts away, but they kept returning. She could see Jane's dark, almost shoulder length hair and wondered what it would feel like to run her fingers through it. She could feel the heat radiating from her pale skin, and imagined what it would be like to brush her hand across the woman's chiseled cheek.

Goddess, I've never had thoughts like this before. Surely this is what they call love. It can't be anything else. Surely this human is meant for me.

Liara felt her skin start to tingle. It was unlike any experience she'd had before. Brushing her hand across her arm, she tried to follow the trail of fire but lost it somewhere during the chase.

Oh, what is that? I don't understand.

Her thoughts turned to Jane's tall and slender form. She wasn't taller than Liara by much, but she was tall enough that Liara would have to tilt her own head upward to look into her eyes. She wondered what it would be like to take those strong hands in hers and kiss away all the bloodstained pain. She knew what Jane went through every time she squeezed a trigger and took a life. She was painfully aware of the anguish mixed with sense of duty and conflict Jane felt. She was mindful of what Jane called the 'platinum rage'; that otherworldly force that took over and sometimes augmented her movements. It was strange and made no sense, but it was there, and Liara felt it. Every indecision, every hesitation, was present in the asari's mind. It was some sort of residual connection that remained after their first melding, and Liara wasn't quite sure how to sever it.

I am not sure I want to sever it. Oh, how I long to comfort you, though I am not entirely sure how…

She allowed her head to fall to the side, and her thoughts turned to the commander's smile. It was perfect, her teeth immaculate pearl, and her lips splendidly proportioned. Liara had always thought her own smile was a little lopsided, but Jane's looked as though it was carved from stone. Surely the muse was nothing less than the Goddess herself.

Jane, I wonder what you would do if I became so bold, if I were to take your head in my hands and pull you close to me, close enough to feel my yearning, to feel my breath on your cheek.

The tingling was there again, and Liara embraced it this time; indeed, she chased it. She felt a strange awakening in her body, and her hands started to move of their own volition.

Jane, I would whisper my desire to you, ever so softly, so that you would have to move closer to hear. I would take your hands and encourage them to wander my body. I would submit to your power.

Liara's skin was on fire, but it wasn't the same sensation as when she'd power up her biotics. This was more intimate, more personal, and far more dangerous. Her clothing was suddenly too tight, too constricting, and she struggled to find a way to loosen it.

I can feel your touch. I can feel your hands on me, pulsing along my skin, leaving fires in their wake. I need to feel you against me. I can feel you falling into me, both of us falling, and your weight bearing down on my body.

Liara's head slowly moved from side to side, struggling to keep control of her sanity. Her thoughts were too intense and they threatened to dominate her control. She allowed her hand to brush lightly across her stomach, and settle just above her thigh, almost afraid to embark further.

My love, I would pull you onto me and wrap my legs around you. I can feel your skin melting into mine; I cannot tell where you end and I begin. I feel you embrace me and settle your weight, fitting into my body. Your push sends my heart racing, and I grip you tighter, willing you to never stop.

Her breath was quickening, and she desperately wished she was beside Jane. The human would most certainly feel the heat radiating from the asari's skin and ease her lover's pain.

I can feel your hands on me again, Jane. The same hands that are so ruthless to your enemies are so gentle with me. I feel you shift your weight, to better leverage yourself against me, and your hand lights me on fire as it teases and threatens to steal my innocence.

Liara could hold herself back no longer. She had made a mess of her clothing attempting to free herself from it, and the deepest parts of her heart and soul had been awakened by her imaginings of lovemaking with Jane. She allowed her hand to slip beneath her bed clothes and explore a part of her body that had been a purely functional fragment of her anatomy until now. She started slowly, unsure of what secrets would be revealed after an entire life of dormancy, but as the minutes passed and her mind raced with thoughts of her lover, she began to explore with more urgency.

I feel you everywhere, and need you more than ever. I beg you with my eyes to make me yours forever, but you continue to lightly graze over my tortured skin. I think you are enjoying this. I see your grin, your lazy meanderings as I whimper beneath you, lifting my hips to allow you better access. How long can you ignore me, ignore your own need?

Liara had no idea where these thoughts had come from. It felt so real that it was almost as if Jane was in the room with her. The intensity was so strong, and her exploration was becoming increasingly urgent, the cadence out of sync, needing the rhythm of her lover's touch to silence the churning waves overcoming her.

I can tell you are weakening. You lean forward now and support the back of my neck with your right arm, shifting your weight slightly to gain better access as your hand dips lower, and all reason is driven from my mind as you push into me and cover my mouth with yours, silencing my low moans. My arms involuntarily grip you and pull you as close as possible, as I push back against you, willing you deeper.

Liara was losing control. Something had awakened deep inside her and refused to be silenced. She felt electricity and fire and ice throughout her body, all sweet pains that begged for release; that begged her for her lover's caress. Every one of her senses screamed out for attention, seeking Jane somewhere in the darkness. The attention she was paying her body was bringing her to the edge, but it wasn't enough.

I need you more than anything in the universe, my love, and I need you now. I pull back from the exquisite pain the force of your bruising lips on mine is causing, and ask the question with my eyes. You nod once, and my eyes turn to obsidian.

"Embrace Eternity," Liara whispered, finally consumed by her passion. After a few minutes she lay there, wondering what she had just done, and how it had been possible alone.

I could swear that just for a second Jane, we were one. Just for a second, you were here.

Liara adjusted her clothing again, turned on her side, and closed her eyes.

I think I love you Jane, and I want to be with you. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I'll find the right time. I promise.

And with that decided, Liara fell into a deep sleep, eager for the morning.

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard sat up in bed, wondering why she was covered in sweat. She'd had one of the nightmares, of that she was sure, but there was also… something… else.

She had awakened suddenly, feeling almost as if someone was knocking on….. Her mind?

What the hell is happening to me? Have I picked something up?

She looked down at her drenched clothing, and got out of bed to change. Her entire body felt weak, but as she examined the feeling, she decided it wasn't an illness.

It feels like someone was in here. It feels like… What is going on?

She sat back down on the bed and thought hard, trying to remember any snippet of the dream after the platinum swords, anything that would explain what she was feeling.

Nothing. Well, I better go back to sleep. We need to get back to missions tomorrow, and I need to be firing on all cylinders as Danger would say.

She lay down in the bed and felt a brief pang of regret.

Today was so perfect. The only thing that would have been the icing on the cake would be her next to me tonight.

She sighed, and turned on her side. There was nothing to be done for it. She would give Liara the time and space she needed to sort out her emotions, and hopefully, someday the conclusion would lead straight into her arms. Until then, she would wait.

She closed her eyes and fell back asleep.