WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: discussion of rape; also contains consensual sex
It is Friday, 10:25 PM, four months, four days, twenty-two hours, and thirty minutes after It happened.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry—"
Ludwig can't breathe—
"—I'm so sorry please Ludwig look at me—"
He can't breathe and he feels cold all over and he's shaking so hard and it's his fault, It's all his fault—
"Take deep breaths please it's okay you're safe— look at me—"
Ludwig manages to force his eyes open, meeting Feliciano's wide brown ones.
They'd thought he was ready. They'd been planning this for a week and a half and it had seemed to be going so well and he'd been able to initiate cuddling, which Ludwig knew had made Feliciano happy since he'd had trouble with things like that before It anyway, and they'd thought Ludwig was ready and he knew Feliciano had been as gentle as he possibly could but it still didn't work, and it's Ludwig's fault, he knows it is, for not realizing that he wasn't ready, for letting everything get far enough along that Feliciano thought he'd be okay, and he takes deep, ragged breaths and tries to slow the thunderous hammering of his heart.
"Okay— okay, good, you need to breathe evenly— good— can you tell me five things you see?"
Ludwig's eyes flick nervously around the room, reminding himself where he is, and his voice rasps a little when he says "The wall, the nightstand, curtains, sheets, the lamp."
Feliciano moves to his side. "Four things you feel?"
"Your hand. The blanket, the pillow. The fan." Feliciano's thin arms wrap around him, gathering him to his chest.
"Three sounds?"
"Cars." His breathing has slowed, he doesn't feel quite so cold anymore… "The fan. A— a dog, I think."
"Good. Two smells?" Feliciano's fingers begin running through his hair.
"You. Laundry detergent."
"Something you like about you?"
"I'm reasonably intelligent." Feliciano cradles Ludwig's jaw in one hand, tangling the other in his still slightly sweaty hair, and kisses his forehead.
They rest like this for a while, and eventually Ludwig feels mostly normal again, and Feliciano half-whispers "Lulu?"
Ludwig looks up at him. "Mm?"
"Can you— do you know what set you off?"
Ludwig replays what they'd done in his mind, looking, and "I—" he pauses, bites his lip. "I don't think it was anything specific." It wasn't, really, everything had seemed to be going more or less fine and then It had come creeping through the cracks the way It always did and Ludwig had locked up because it wasn't Feliciano above him with gentle hands and slow movements but them and it hurt and Ludwig should have expected that, he should have.
"Feel better?"
"A— a little." That's not quite a lie.
Feliciano keeps playing with Ludwig's hair, occasionally trailing his hands across Ludwig's shoulders, and Ludwig presses his ear to Feliciano's chest and places his arms around his waist, and he could just possibly sleep like this.
"Lulu?"
"Yes?"
"Do you w-want to talk about— about it? I mean you don't have to but it might help I heard talking about these things can and besides if I know what happened I can try not to do anything that could remind you of what they did but. If you don't want to you don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable or anything." Feliciano delivers this entire speech in one breath, eyes closed.
Ludwig mulls this over— Feliciano should know, more than what he heard at the trial, at least, and talking about It with Felicja and Carmen and Sakura hadn't been as difficult as he'd feared, and maybe he should, but.
What if it just made Feliciano uncomfortable and disgusted?
Shut up, he tells himself. He wants to know, if he was disgusted he'd have left you already.
Moving from Feliciano's grasp to sit next to him against the headboard, Ludwig clears his throat a little and says, "If— I do, but if you want me to stop, say so?"
Feliciano nods, and Ludwig takes a deep breath and stamps down the fear rising inside him and begins to talk.
About how he'd been at Densen's with Alfred and Alfred had run into these three guys he knew from high school and started talking to them because that was what Alfred did, was talk to people, and one of them came to the Mask Café sometimes and always got a double espresso and cinnamon roll and now Ludwig still feels weird making cinnamon rolls but he didn't then and they'd just talked.
About how Alfred had left but Ludwig decided he could stay and talk some more, and started feeling weird halfway through his second beer, which was strange because he wasn't a lightweight, and the three had offered to help him find a taxi.
About how they'd taken him outside and then to their car in the backlot and he'd realized something was wrong but by then he could barely stand up straight and everything seemed to be moving ten times slower but it was still so fast how they pushed him down onto the backseat.
About how much It had hurt.
About how he had wanted to fight back, so much, but he couldn't, he was too weak and they held him down and took turns and he had wanted to scream but there were hands on his throat and shoving his face into the backseat.
About how despite the pain and the nausea rising the constant friction had made him— had made him hard and he'd wanted so, so badly to throw up.
About how the burning shame and humiliation and helpless anger had torn through every inch of him along with the words they said, tossed around like it was nothing, like It was nothing, like he was nothing.
Somewhere along the way, his voice begins to break and turn thick and Ludwig realizes he's crying and so is Feliciano who doesn't even need to ask for a hug, and neither does Ludwig, and Feliciano buries his face in Ludwig's neck and Ludwig clutches him close and leans his head against Feliciano's so his face is pressed against Feliciano's soft hair and they stay like this, sobbing on each other, for quite some time. Ludwig doesn't think he's actually cried in front of Feliciano since they were in college and he'd broken down out of finals stress and papers due and too much work.
"Thank you," Feliciano whispers later, when they've changed back into pajamas and lain down. "Thank you."
Honestly, Ludwig thinks, Feliciano should not be the one doing the thanking.
It is Saturday, 2:56 PM, four months, twenty-six days, fifteen hours, and one minute after It happened.
Feliciano got taken out third in the direct-elimination rounds, which is pretty good considering, and he was starting to get really sweaty and uncomfortable anyway, and he pulls off his mask as he trots over to Ludwig. Leaning his foil against the wall by the bench Ludwig is sitting on, he chirps "Your knight is mostly kind of victorious!" and plops himself down, grinning. "Bring any favors?"
Ludwig rolls his eyes a little, but pats Feliciano's back regardless. "You can have some cookies when we get home."
"Thanks!" Feliciano pulls off his glove, stretching out his fingers, and pushes his sweaty, clumped hair out of his eyes. "Do you want to go now, or—?"
"N-not if you don't want to."
Wiggling out of his lamé and jacket, Feliciano says "I'd like to go, actually, I need a shower."
He packs his stuff up and returns the uniform to Coach Vasilescu and carries his bag out, having almost mastered the art of not bonking anyone with it as he walks, and bounces around at Ludwig's heels, all did-you-see-that-parry and I-thought-he-was-going-to-get-me and did-you-see-it-did-you-did-you-huh-huh-huh and he's really really out of breath right now and should maybe stop talking so much.
"Yes, I saw," Ludwig says, slowing down enough for Feliciano to catch up.
Feliciano beams.
When they get home, he doesn't shower with Ludwig, mostly because he's really kind of stinky after the tournament and needs to fix that, but since they both took the day off, he spends the next few hours in his pajamas lying on top of Ludwig and eating chocolate-chip oatmeal cookies and they both get fake-angry at daytime TV.
Things have gotten better since the beginning of the month, since Ludwig told him about It, and they haven't tried actual penetrative stuff again yet, but last week they gave each other handjobs and it worked which is really really good and Ludwig hadn't panicked or anything, and it's just. Good. Not that there aren't bad days, but there are less of them, and they got to have dinner with Sakura and she was really nice if kind of shy and right now Feliciano is warm and happy and full of cookies and feels like melting into a big puddle on top of Ludwig. Except that would be messy.
Feliciano must be tired, he thinks. His thoughts are going a little weird again.
"C'n I sleep on you?" He mumbles, and Ludwig ruffles his hair and says "Yes", and Feliciano drifts off almost immediately.
It is Friday, 6:50 PM, five months, fifteen days, eighteen hours, and fifty-five minutes after It happened.
Hanging up his apron, Ludwig dodges Manon with a mop and leaves the café, rolling his sweater's sleeves back down.
There is a car parked outside, and Felicja leans out of the passenger-side window and shouts "Get in, loser, we're going shopping!"
"I thought we were going to see a movie," Ludwig replies.
Felicja stares at him for a few seconds, then shrugs. "Get in."
It's a mark of pride, if a very private one, that he sits in the backseat next to Carmen with very little in the way of worry, just the little momentary twinge that he's used to by now. "Hi."
"Hey there," Felicja says, and Sakura nods at him from the driver's seat, and Carmen says "There's flour on your sweater, let me get that for you" by way of greeting and starts dusting off his dark blue sleeves, succeeding in getting at least some of the flour off.
During the short drive to the movie theater, Ludwig learns that Felicja knows the lyrics to nearly every song on the radio and that Sakura is one of the best drivers he's met, although this is coming from someone acquainted with Feliciano and Alfred, and that Carmen had apparently thought flour much easier to remove than it actually was. "I— thanks, but you're making it—"
"—Worse, I know." Carmen blows some stray hairs out of her face. "Sorry."
"It'll wash out, and I've had worse happen to my clothes anyway."
The movie they go to see, some sci-fi flick, isn't bad, but then they end up going to Carmen's condo for coffee, and the "How's everyone doing?" question is brought up.
"I went to a party," Sakura offers, "and stayed the whole time. I also may have met someone."
"Good job!" Felicja exclaims. "What's he like?"
"Philosophy major. Likes cats."
Carmen taps at her chin. "One of my students is moving out of state soon. It's very sad, I've had her since she was eight. Do you think a stuffed turtle is an appropriate going-away present?"
Sakura shrugs, and Ludwig mutters "Probably better than a live one, at least."
"Not much's been up lately. Got a new coat, though, 'cause it's fall, and it is this like fantastic pink, and the buttons are glittery and it is great." Felicja downs the rest of her coffee. "Lud?"
"I've made… progress." Ludwig folds his hands in his lap and stares at them.
"Like what kind— oh my God you're blushing."
He is. "Am not."
"Great job, man." Felicja reaches across to high-five him, and Ludwig obliges.
Carmen looks sort of confused, which is weird because she's the oldest here and shouldn't take as long as she does to get it.
It is Monday, 9:48 PM, six months, one day, twenty-one hours, and fifty-three minutes after It happened.
They're trying again. It's not the second time they've tried, and Feliciano is admittedly a little worried that it won't be the last— the last attempt, that is, the last time they'll have to stop halfway through—, but it's an attempt, and he's going to make it good.
He looks up into Ludwig's eyes from the few inches which separate them. They're half closed, blue and a little hazy, and he crooks his fingers one last time before pulling them out, drawing a small nnh from the (completely beautiful) man in his lap.
"Are you ready?"
Ludwig licks his thin lips, the "Yes, I am" coming out with little hesitation at all, and Feliciano can't resist kissing him on the nose.
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
Feliciano's already got the condom on, and he guides Ludwig down and kisses him while he gets settled, kisses him until he stops biting his lips and opens his eyes, and runs his hands all along Ludwig's sides until he nods "Okay" and Feliciano cants his hips upwards the slightest bit. Ludwig responds to that motion, shifts his hips downwards and wraps his burly arms around Feliciano's shoulders, and slowly, so slowly, his movements gain confidence.
Soon it's nearly like how it was before It, on one of the nights where they'd be slow and gentle and quiet with each other, and Feliciano is smiling and the flush on Ludwig's face is so familiar and so are the little baritone "ahs" he lets out and so is the surprised gasp when Feliciano reaches down between his parted legs with one hand, keeping the other wrapped around Ludwig's waist and rocking his hips up again.
They've been working up to this for a while, and that was fun too, a lot of fun, and none of the times when they had to stop had ended quite as badly as the first time after It, and Feliciano's missed the feeling of this so much, and he tries to keep in mind— go slow, no teeth, no nails, keep close— and does, and plants kiss after kiss on Ludwig's collarbone and neck and face and mouth until Ludwig is smiling too, a little dazedly but there, and he's going to come soon but does that really matter next to the nearly inaudible German Ludwig keeps repeating and Feliciano can't quite understand but he does, in that way the two of them have?
Far, far too soon, Feliciano comes, shaking and sighing against Ludwig's mouth, and he continues to stroke Ludwig until he earns a final, soft "ohh" and a twitch of the hips, and then flops against him in really a very undignified manner, but that doesn't matter.
They lie against each other for a while, until Ludwig reaches out and grabs some tissues to wipe them off, and Feliciano pulls off the condom and as soon as he can he lies back down next to Ludwig, pressed against his chest, and mumbles contentedly. The mumble grows of its own accord, into a quiet but cheerful "You did it!" and a squeeze of the arms around Ludwig, an enthusiastic nuzzling against his clavicle. "You did it you did it you did it I'm so proud— kiss me?"
Ludwig does, and Feliciano grins and responds wholeheartedly, flinging his arms around Ludwig's shoulders as best he can in the post-coital haze, and Ludwig grins back and his eyes crinkle just the tiniest bit at the corners and there is nothing Feliciano can do but kiss him one more time and repeat "So proud— you're so strong, you know? And brave and smart and really really pretty and I love you so so so much and—" He laughs a little, leaning again against Ludwig's chest, and they rest curled around each other, and it feels like there's a big warm bubble in his chest that just keeps growing.
As he drifts off, he hears Ludwig murmur "Thank you," and honestly, Ludwig should not be the one doing the thanking.