Chapter 14: We can't go on like this

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard looked at her datapad. They had to go to Virmire, but they also had about a hundred other tasks to do as well. It seemed as though every time she went to the control console, another message was there, from someone looking for her to drop everything and help. She was trying to manage all the tasks set before her, but the weeks were dragging into months and she was just getting more and more weary. She wondered if other Spectres were getting torn in a million directions like she was. The only reason she had even taken this position was to hunt Saren, and it seemed like every time she was ready to get back to it, another helping of 'do your fucking duty, soldier' was put on her plate.

Shepard thought about her crew. They were a motley bunch, that was for sure, but they were loyal and that's all she really needed. The rest of the stuff could be taught, and as she reviewed the pending tasks, she decided that it would have to be taught, and sooner rather than later. She had been mixing and matching crewmembers to try to get everyone experience in the field, but many of them just weren't getting the hang of fighting in a unit. Tali kept coming out from cover at the worst times, Wrex was too reckless, Garrus was a stable soldier but was having a hard time making his own leadership calls, and every time Liara was around, Jane herself was distracted. It was a mess.

They had to pull it together before heading to Virmire, because this situation was going to get worse before it got better. The commander didn't want anyone dying because she didn't take the time to teach the crew at least a little about fighting in tactical units. She also didn't want anyone dying because she couldn't control her own emotions. The days were getting longer and the nights were getting lonelier, and it was all she could do to keep walking upright and facing forward.

She looked over at the console. At least she still had Danger. She had called the mercenary the previous night to chat and the two of them stayed up talking until almost the morning. She told her friend about everything; all her concerns and fears over the pending missions, her growing relationship with the young asari scientist, her frustration at being torn between her own goals and the Alliance's orders, all of it. Danger just sat back with her disarming smile and her quiet countenance and listened to her friend. It was a good talk, and Jane had needed to tell someone about the things going on in her life, to somehow gain some perspective.

It was hard to believe that just a few months ago she was just another commander in the Alliance Navy. Now she was the leader of a crew that represented nearly all the allied races of the universe, and they all looked to her to keep them safe and bring them back alive. She was a Spectre, an elite protector of the galaxy that had almost limitless power and resources. She had the finest ship in the entire Alliance fleet at her disposal.

She had everything she could have ever dreamed of.

Except, now all she wanted to do was spend time with Liara. She would give it up in a second if the mission wasn't threatening all life and just generally making a nuisance of itself. She turned off the datapad and leaned back in her chair.

All I want to do is spend time with Liara.

They could find some remote planet filled with Prothean Ruins, and live out the rest of their lives there. Liara would spend her days digging happily, and Jane would join up with Danger in the extractions and covert ops business. She'd go merc long enough to put together a retirement fund, which probably wouldn't take long given the reputation Danger had already established, and then open a space port or something to keep herself busy and out of Liara's way. She would leave the Alliance military life far behind. They would spend their days working in their respective areas, and their nights…

No, I can't start thinking about the nights…

But she did think about the nights, and every time she did, her mind wandered back to one night in particular when she had awakened, soaked in sweat with the distinct feeling that somehow she had been visited.

It couldn't have been her. It was just a dream, or a twenty four hour bug, or something. It was just some sort of after effect from the platinum nightmares.

Jane closed her eyes and let her mind lead her away from her duties, at least for a little while. She knew that the asari was inexperienced, but there was no mistaking the look in her eyes that clearly said she was interested in more than friendship. It sent fire through the human every time she looked over and those crystal blue eyes were upon her. Her breath caught in her throat, and she had to look away. The whole situation was getting more and more intense, and while she didn't want to push the young scientist, she did wish the asari would make a decision already.

How long can you ignore me, ignore your own need?

Jane shot forward in her chair. That thought had come unbidden, but it felt like she had heard the words before, just before…

What is happening to me? I had better get out of this room, it's stifling.

As much as she might have wanted to let her mind continue to wander, the strange thought had unnerved her. It felt almost like it was planted, but she knew that wasn't possible. She was just under too much stress, and she needed to do something to get her mind off all of this craziness. Saren was after something big, and he wasn't going to stop just because Jane Shepard wanted to have a personal life. She had to get control of herself, and get back to focusing on finding him. Once she took care of Saren, she would have all the time in the world to make an "in-depth" study of Liara T'Soni.

Jane Shepard got up from her chair, adjusted her ship casualwear, and left the room in search of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.

-Normandy, Garages

"Chief Williams, do you have a minute?"

"What do you need, Commander?" asked Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, looking up from the rifle she was cleaning.

Jane crossed her arms and looked out across the room at Garrus fiddling with the Mako. She turned her gaze to Wrex, who was passively observing everyone. She looked at the far door, and thought she could almost see Tali fussing over calculations or her latest hacking algorithms. She looked up, and thought about Liara, pouring over research notes and Kaiden managing the sleeper pods. She sighed and then looked back at her soldier friend.

"This crew; most of them are not military."

"Yea well, it's what we got. It's not like the Council is going to give us any backup on this one."

"I know, but I'm worried about them. On Therum Tali got knocked out twice, and we just got lucky on Noveria and Feros. I'm trying to rotate everyone out to get more experience in the field on the minor jobs we have to do, but it's not going to get any easier, and I need to be able to count on everyone in a firefight."

"So what do you suggest?"

"We can drill them, like back in basic when Ellison would pop a vein at us. Teach them small unit tactics, things like that."

"Well, maybe not exactly like that…" Williams replied, shuddering.

"Ha, no, but we do need to do something. We are going to have to head out to Virmire soon and I need these folks at their best. I don't want any of them to get killed just because they lack experience, when you and I are perfectly capable of teaching them."

"Well, we can start a training regimen, and break them into groups. I'll take the first group and you can take the second. I'll drill T'Soni and the krogan, and you can take the turian and Tali. Kaiden is already one of us, so he can just drift between groups and help us. We can even stage some war games."

The commander opened her mouth to speak, but Williams held up a hand to stop her next words. "Shepard, I'm not going to judge you, but you are kidding yourself if you think no one has noticed what is going on here. I won't disobey a direct order from you, but this is one instance where you don't want to give that order. T'Soni stays in my group."

Jane closed her mouth and nodded. The chief was right, of course. Liara should be in her training group. Jane was going to have to get used to the fact that their relationship jeopardized everything and she needed to start acting like a soldier again.

"You're right, Ash. That sounds like a good plan. And, is it really that obvious?"

"Shep, you run into walls when the woman is in the room. I have to admit, I kind of suspected you weren't into guys, but this is beyond anything I would have imagined."

If the chief knows, everyone else probably does too.

"Does anyone else know?"

"If by anyone else you mean the entire crew, yea. The second Joker figured it out, it went straight over the com. You were on the Citadel." The chief went back to the rifle she was polishing, and she and the commander just quietly stood together for several moments.

I'll bet it was the day we met Danger and Terriana for drinks.

"Ash, have you ever been in love?"

Williams stopped polishing the rifle for a moment, and then looked at her superior officer. She smiled sadly and said, "It was a long time ago, Commander. I'd rather not talk about it. But if the real question you are asking is whether or not I understand, the answer is yes."

Jane looked at the chief for a moment, and decided against prying. She considered the woman a friend, but if the soldier wanted to keep this to herself, then it was her prerogative.

"All right Ash, I won't pry. And, thanks for understanding. I know I have been distracted and not quite myself lately. Maybe doing some drills with the crew will help me to snap out of it."

"I hope it does, Commander. All of us are counting on you. We all want you to be happy, but if it keeps interfering with what we need to do, then all of us are at risk. You were our commander before she came aboard, and we need you to stay our commander no matter what."

Jane nodded once, and then saluted the chief.

"Ash, you're an excellent soldier and a good friend. Let's set up the teams for training starting tomorrow. We'll take a couple weeks to get everyone on the same page."

"Yes ma'am," the chief replied, saluting back.

The commander turned to leave, and the gunnery chief just stood there, feeling a little helpless. Jane Shepard was her commanding officer, but she also considered the woman a friend and knew what it was like to have love interfere with duty.

She had been in love once, a very long time ago when she had just joined up with the Alliance. She had fallen for one of her commanding officers, but he was married and she could never bring herself to tell him of her feelings. Long nights, pining away and wishing that the circumstances had been different did little to ease the pain that throbbed within her bruised heart.

The chief sat down and picked up a pistol. She turned it over several times in her hand, and then began cleaning it the way he had taught her. Her eyes glazed over as her mind drifted back through the years…

First you eject the round in the barrel, Ashley. Then you take out the clip. Make sure that you hold it here, and pay special attention to the action right there. A properly maintained weapon is the difference between life and death, Ashley. No matter what else you do when you are on a mission, always keep your equipment maintained…

Slowly she ran her hands over the weapon, and closing her eyes, could feel him standing behind her, guiding her fingers to the hidden crevices of the small machine of destruction. He was gorgeous, tall and dark haired. He reminded her a little of the commander. They could have been brother and sister. His features were also chiseled, and his musculature more developed and mature than most of the other men his age. He must have spent every spare moment honing his body.

She remembered how his uniform always seemed to be perfectly in place. It buttoned straight down his chest and was always perfectly pressed.

No doubt his wife did all of that for him.

She jerked herself out of her musings. It had been years, and she had left that unit behind and was now moving through the ranks and towards other goals. He wouldn't have wanted a soldier wife anyway. He wanted a trophy wife, and the woman he chose was certainly that. She was slim and elegant, with her lusciously thick red hair and impeccably white smile. She was a perfect companion for a Captain that wished to become an Admiral someday.

Hmph. No one wants the soldier. Maybe that's why Shep stays away from men.

Williams sighed, and locked that memory back away in her heart. Captain James Mock III was living his life far away from her, and she was here on the Normandy. She had never told the man how she felt, thought she suspected he somehow knew. Even if he felt the same, she was sure he would have never acted on it. His eyes were on one goal, and everything that he did was to further that goal, including marrying Windi Hayes, the daughter of a wealthy ship merchant.

There was no room in his life for a soldier like Ashley Williams, and for the last eight years she had mourned the loss of a relationship that had never even begun.

I should let it go. I should.

But in the end, she just went back to her busy work, and let her mind drift to all the 'what ifs' she would never know the answers to.

I hope the Commander has better luck than I did.